26.12.11 Warnings & Contents

A box of extra long matches (for lighting the gas fire) shows a winter scene on the front side.  How thoughtful of Bryant & May to want to acknowledge the time of year.  The snow-covered trees make all the difference.  On the reverse of the box there's an out-of-focus lake in the background, with the dangling snow-covered branches of a tree taking up 75% of the frame.  To the right of the photo is some supposedly useful information on the contents, and the makers.

The most striking (ha!!!) element (haha!) is the little logo that fire can be dangerous - not to everyone, just to children.

It seems that adults (and I assume animals as well) are not in danger at all - the nasty stuff just goes for the kids!  I am not sure whether those at risk are below the age of 18, or whether one of the various other definitions of a 'child' applies for fire.  You know the score, because the 'child' label sometimes runs out at 10, 12, 14, 16 rather than 18.  Depending whether you're talking about a ride at the funfair (can be 10, 12, 14 or 16), killing someone (10), voting (18), marrying (16/18 for with/without parental consent), buying a lottery ticket (16) or getting child allowance payments (18, and actually technically 19 as well in some cases), there are numerous interpretations.  There are many more, perhaps some that involve more uneven numbers.  Uneven numbers that are perhaps as nonsensical as the contents of my box of extra long matches - 45.  Who the fuck decided that 45 was to be the benchmark for collections of matches (?) - especially this "Winter Collection", as printed on the front, below the snow-covered trees.

There is no punctuation on the information, but I suppose the change of font size is meant to help the reader make the correct intonation and separation in the detail.  If not, then the advice would actual be (in the same font size) just as the type below:

KEEP AWAY

FROM CHILDREN

Made in EU

Now, if we take the statement as a whole, it seems there's an issue with EU-based children.  Children from the Americas, or the far-east are apparently not to be avoided; but there can be no mistake here that the makers of the matches are keen to us to keep away from children in the EU.  It does say "made", but that could mean 'conceived', or it could mean 'born'.  All this makes me appreciate why legislation is so hard to create, what with so many interpretations etc. 

If we accept that the "Made in EU" part relates to the matches, the whole thing becomes more of an issue, as both Bryant and May seem to want us to keep away from children in general.  Of course all this confusion and failure to use the language properly could have been avoided so easily - by the insertion of the word 'Matches' - well of all the words available, who'd have thought that on a box of matches, the one that fucks everything up by being missed out is . . . . "Matches" !!! 

As for the little warning logo itself, I find it hilarious.  There are dark forces out there that are persecuting children, setting fire to them and telling us all to avoid them - who'd be a child these days?  Fortunately it's only the left arms of the children that are in danger initially, as per the pictorial advice.  Does a burnt off left arm lead to death?  Quite probably, because we know that "Fire Kills Children" from the accompanying notes.  I suggest that we must therefore amputate the left arms of children before fire can take hold.  That would deny one of the four natural elements it's fun and ability to end life.  There's always the chance, though, that they could drown in bottled water (unless bottles include the advice "Danger - Water Drowns Children" along with a suitable picture).  Earth could be warned against, eg. landslides, sandpits etc. and air can be dangerous if one thinks of high winds, gales, hurricanes, which we all know target children ruthlessly.

So, Swedish Match or Bryant & May, whatever you like to call yourself, I will ensure that I make proper use of my 45 matches, that I avoid children (especially those conceived and/or born in the EU) and that I also keep the 45 matches away from said youngsters.  As for the instruction to "Strike gently and away from body" I must advise that I am not in a union, and have never gone on strike in my life - so I don't need to be told to strike gently (whatever gently would mean in reality).  I have never had an out-of-body experience, so I cannot do any gentle striking away from my body either.  On so many levels, the whole thing is flawed, so there ought to be a redesign of the matchbox, the number of contents and the pictorial and written advice.  I suggest that the words 'match' or 'matches' might be used in the right places, rather than strangely omitted.

Finally, I would like to congratulate Swedish Match UK Ltd on its helpful comment along one side (the side of the box where in the old days, a second 'striking area' would have existed) which states:

IDEAL FOR OPEN FIRES AND CANDLES

Thanks, because without that help, I'd have been of no fucking use to myself or my family in using the damned things!  Thank you so much for advice on what a cunting match could be ideal for.