24.2.13 Dancing On Ice - Week 8

Oh dear - what a shit show it was this week, mainly because 'props' week is always bollocks.  As ever, we were tortured by the drawn out process of seeing just five skaters; you'd think 5x5 minutes plus the same again for the week's antics in training - so an hour long programme.  Alas, it seems to take just as long to see the five left as it did to see ten of them.

Christine Bleakness

So, after the opening pointless performance by the pros, we were introduced to the five left; Gareth, Matt, Samia, Beth and Olympic Gold Medal Winning Boxer Luke.  I mention that Luke is a boxer and won a gold medal in the Olympics just in case it has escaped your attention - which (if that's the case) means you are fucking dead.  Christopher Dean made reference to a "skip rope" which in English is a skipping rope.  We went to the first commercial break with no progress on the skating and about thirteen minutes of life on Earth completely wasted.

Beth

This was by and large boring.  She moved around the ice dressed in white with a stupid wig on, and carted a hoop around with her.  30 points followed the Tony Gubba replacement referring to the "Born This Way Orbit" and the "Spinning Gaga Belt".  All rather mundane, and certainly not entertaining.

Luke

As Beth's turn came to an end, and before the second commercial break, Christine Bleakness told us that Luke was up next, and confirmed we ought to have interest with the fantastic line:

"You really don't want to skip this one."

Bleakbird and Schofield 'performed' a pathetic routine of their own, involving an inflatable banana and a teddy bear.  It was truly shite.  Before Luke (or 'Look', as Bleakness pronounces it) was skating, we had the catch-up for the last week, and Look told us:

"This week I'm coming back fighting."

The tired phrase was so mind-numbingly awful that I considered punching the screen rather than hear any more of Look's pronouncements.  Alas, he followed up with another tired effort:

"I'm not giving up; that's how I got to be the Olympic Champion."

In case you didn't know, Look won a Gold Medal last year (yes, way back in the summer) and that makes him an Olympian and because it was the Gold, he's a 'champion'.  He might technically be a champion, but he was nevertheless able to confirm with his performance that his prop (a skipping rope - take note C. Dean) had more personality than he has himself.  After scoring 30 points, the Gubba replacement managed to describe Look's skate (much of which involved lassoing his partner Jenna with the skipping rope) as a "knockout routine".  How fucking creative, especially as Luke is a boxing champion.

Ashley was able to help us all out when, during her comments, she highlighted that the skipping rope was not an easy prop to work with, and that: "You could have dropped it" and "It could have got tangled."  Thanks, Ashley - awesome!

"Hop, skip or jump, Luke doesn't care how he gets there."  This was a painful contribution by Schofield, telling us Look wants to reach the semi-final and that we might like to vote for him.

Matt

Another break, and then further padding of the schedule as T&D wandered around the rink to the singing of Rumer, while Jules Holland played the piano.  All rather weird.  I am sure there was yet another break before Matt skated really well and scored 36 points out of a possible 40.  I know he was good because Ashley said it was: "Fun, Funk, fabulous."  Wise words indeed, Roberts.  Then Christopher Dean told him: "You were full of awesomeness."  What shit is spoken on this programme!

Before another break, Bleakness asked some pointless questions (the only sort she knows, actually) and said to Beth:

"If you're lucky enough to be here next week, which undoubtedly you will, . . . . . "

This lead up to a question was both grammatically flawed and contradictory whilst presumptive.  Quite impressive that Bleakley can find so many ways to get something wrong, eh?  The link to the break was then via the competition that invited us all to waste money on a pathetically easy question, to which the answer was (and still is) 'Britney Spears'.  NOTE: The question was NOT "Which American female was once a reasonable singer but has now proven herself to be unworthy of any real role in the music industry, especially after her useless input on X-Factor USA, and will only now be remembered positively for old songs sung when she was a teenager?"

Samia

Why I've the urge to refer to her as "Smear" I do not know.  Bleakness welcomed us back after the break, and helped/hindered by Schofield, she recapped for us what had happened thus far.  Her 'presenting' included news that: "Matt went head to head to head with three hats."  I tried to slit my wrists but didn't have the right prop to hand.  Instead, I endured Smear's testing time on the ice, as Longchambonbons manoeuvred her around the rink to the song The Look.  The Gubba-replacement told us she was "going back to her roots" and wondered (alas out loud) whether they would be on an "upward curl".  The puns were killing me as watched this tripe.  28 points came her way, along with wise words from Ashley: "You had fun tonight; you went out there and had fun."

Gareth

He scored 34.5 points with a pretty good routine involving a rugby ball.  Ashley scored the lowest (8) and managed to tell us that Gareth and Robin had a wonderful partnership and relationship whilst at the same time suggesting they needed to be more engaged.  As ever, Ashley was talking drivel.  Still, at least her intellect prevents any airing of puns.  Christopher Dean, however, managed to annoy with: "He was on the ball tonight."  Ouch!


The Skate-off and Results

Bleakness created a new word for us all, with her pronunciation of 'hoops' which came out as "hups" (with the vowel sound as in 'foot').  The inane comments involved general irrelevance.  Let's face it, T&D have not said anything worthwhile for eight fucking years.  Every comment is 'nice' and avoids any conflict, edge, criticism or value; they strive to be 'nice' and achieve just that.  The skate off was between Smear and Look - sounds like a firm of solicitors, eh?

They were both worthy losers, but Smear was the weaker of the two, especially with her groin strain.  After Look skated, Schofield earned his exorbitant fee with the brilliant question: "Do you think you've done enough?" and I wondered why the hell he wasn't set to replace Jeremy Paxman with questioning skills so clearly at the pinnacle of investigative journalism and media presentation.

Smear retired and Luke lived to fight another day - he's a boxer, by the way, so 'fight another day' is clever, don't you think?

Next week, it's apparently 'Flying Above The Ice' rather than Dancing On Ice.

...

17.2.13 David Luiz

Not a nice person at all.  This totally fits in with the club he plays for - Chelsea. Today we saw his challenge in the Brentford game, and anyone with half a brain will see that Luiz had no intention of playing the ball, and purposely body-checked Jake Reeves.  Why does Luiz think it's acceptable to smash into a 19-year-old on purpose?  Nasty, cuntish behaviour.  The referee was a wimp not to have given him a straight red card.  As for the apology after the match, that counts for fuck all.  In fact, it's just about the most meaningless apology ever, because anyone seeing the incident must conclude that Luiz meant to take out the player.  There was not even 1% of doubt on that.

Shame on you - another overpaid prima donna with an attitude and belief that he can do what the fuck he wants.  I think his four letter surname should be swapped for another.

...

17.2.13 Dancing On Ice - Week 7

Just six left, and before any of you are tempted to forget, two of them are Olympians.  I know it's easy to overlook this, and that these days there are so few references to the Olympics, medals and everything that goes with being an 'Olympian'.

Christine Bleakley

Keith

Keith: "The most difficult part of the whole routine will be the performance."

Thanks, Keith, for the intro to your skate, and this profound statement. Afterwards, Gubba highlighted the "Play the guitar sequence" and the scores gave him a total of 25 points.

Jason: "It's like watching a camp Peter Stringfellow on ice, without the ponytail."

Ashley: "Keith - rock star, baby!  You have fun, then we do and the audience does as well."  Thanks, Ashley.

Luke

Bleakley asked him a couple of dumb questions, and one of the replies was as wooden as his skating and his personality:

Luke: "I'm just proud if I'm representing my city in the right way."

Actually, Luke, this is not a competition where the city you come from counts for fucking anything!  I suspect Hull would not actually want to be judged in line with your skating.  He scored 24.5 and as Jason delivered his comments there was some audience participation.

Bleakness: "Cries from the audience of rubbish."  Well observed, Bleakness, although I think they were more applicable to the skating than to Jason's comments!

Ashley: "What was missing tonight was a little bit of the fun."  Thanks, Ashley, but he's never had any 'fun' about him at all.

Schofield: "Do you think it's because as an Olympian, you pushed yourself this week?"  You twat, Phil - can we not leave the fucking Olympics out of this?  So far, we've had the Olympic connection from Luke, Christopher Dean, Bleakness and now Schofield as well.

Beth

Bleakley: "Olympic Bronze Medal winning gymnast, Beth Tweddle."  Fuck off, Bleak Geek!

She scored 30.5 and Jason noted that she dipped in energy, before we had some invaluable Ashley Roberts input.

Ashley: "You were giving little moment."

To round off, Schofield gave us a piece of advice which we were not in need of.

Schofield: "No one is guaranteed a place on next week's show."

His suggestion that we might like to vote for Beth was lost on me because I was disputing in my mind his last comment, because it seems to me that there are two nobs who most definitely are guaranteed a place each week - totally against the laws of nature, physics and fairness - Schofield himself, and the awful Bleakness.

Matt

With a score of 35.5, he was clearly the best of the night for the individual skate.  Gubba told us all about his "Levitation Lift", plus the "Flying Gazelle" and the "Fish Lift".

Gareth

In the clip we saw for the training during the week, Gareth fell very hard and hurt his hip.  The line of the night came from his partner, Robin, who bent over him as he was in agony on the ice rink, and said: "Do you want some ice?"

Gubba: "His outfit though has been censored - it's only three shades of grey." Dire, Tony, dire!

Ashley: "Blah, blah . . . blah, blah . . that was fun; good job."  Thanks, Ashley.

Gareth scored 29.5 points and maintained the rough and ready look by not shaving his neck at all, and allowing it to resemble a 'welcome' mat at the doorway to many a suburban house.

Samia

Bleakley: "Samia and Sylvain have raided the toy box - you don't want to miss this one."

I couldn't wait for the commercial break to end, to see exactly what sort of 'toys' the two of them would be using.  Sadly, the two of them were back after four minutes of mindless advertising to perform 'Barbie Girl' with a routine that was crap.  After some useless puppet-like moves, I actually shouted "skate!" at the TV.  She then got going, and was hauled around the ice by Sylvain. Gubba's voice over told us they were "Convincing as the perfect plastic couple" and I couldn't have agreed with him more.  27 points were awarded.

Ashley: "I enjoyed myself; good job."  Thanks, Ashley.

Karen: "You deserve to be in this competition."  A complete lie of course.

Robin Cousins seemed to be impressed that Samia was able to pull a face and hold it, not just when skating with Sylvain but when she was skating on her own.  Considering she supposedly acts for a living [let's not debate this - let's give her the benefit of the considerable doubt] then this was not much of an accomplishment, and even less so when the extent of her solo efforts amounted to about fifteen fucking seconds of movement.  The hilarity was about to commence, though.

Sylvain: "I've been hard with her all week."  Hmmmm . . . too much info, eh?

Jayne: "We can't skate on stiff legs."

The 'stiff' reference was all too much and giggling erupted everywhere.  Mr Longchambon and his long bonbon, eh?

Team Matt v Team Beth

This pointless element of the show added little to proceedings, other than fucking up the scores, so that Luke moved from 6th place on the leader board up to 3rd place.  This was because he was in Matt's team, and nothing to do with any sudden improvement in his skating, personality, Olympic standing or no claims bonus - just luck.

The Results

Travesty - Luke gets through, no doubt because of the scoring manipulation. So, Keith and Samia go into the skate-off.  Keith managed to do well enough, not least in terms of actually skating.

"Should I Stay or Should I Go?"  Excellent song, but you needn't have asked the question, luv.  You didn't fucking skate!  Longchampsgongbonbon threw you around in the air whenever he wasn't pushing you around like a Dyson vacuum.

Well done Jason, but as for the other three ????  Samia spent more time off the ice than on it.  On this basis, I can carry a cuntin shopping bag back from the Co-op and the bag would go through in place of Keith!  Maybe we could reenact a scene from The Plank, with Samia imitating the star of the film - and I mean the plank, of course, and not Eric Sykes, Tommy Cooper, Jimmy Edwards or Hattie Jacques.


...

17.2.13 Whatever Next?

Assange

Since last summer, Julian Assange has been inside the London embassy of Ecuador.  This is not news, because just about everyone in the country knows that he took refuge there.  His need to avoid the police is total, seeing as both Sweden and the USA want him.  It seems, though, that the cost of keeping an eye on him is not something that either the USA or Sweden is prepared to cover.  When I say 'keeping an eye on him' you might not get a proper understanding of the cost.  I would have said that the following arrangement could be appropriate for this task.  Two coppers with radios watching the embassy; let's call that £60,000 per year.  Three rolling shifts would mean £180k per year.  However, it seems I've underestimated by some considerable margin.  For the 32 weeks (to the end of January) that the shit has been holed up, the cost is estimated to be £2,900,000.  That's £900,000 PER FUCKING WEEK !!!  This country is absolutely mad.

David Jones

Apparently gay couples are incapable of bringing up children safely.  This nob of a Cabinet Minister has clearly lost any sense of perspective, judgement or humanity.  There are of course gay couples who are incapable of bringing up a child safely - outnumber at least a hundred to one by heterosexual couples who have absolutely no business having anything to do with kids, but whose sexuality and social standing apparently gives them rights to fuck up parenting completely.  Sexuality has got absolutely nothing to do with capability of 'raising children safely' - whatever Mr Jones means by this.  Arse.

Dolce & Gabbana

A symbol of pureness that captures the innocence of childhood.  What am I talking about?  Well, these are not my words, but those of the marketing twats at D&G who want to shift 50ml bottles of perfume for £28 - perfume for babies! Here's some more marketing shite: "The softness of baby skin, the freshness of baby breath, a mother's sweet hug, the first smile . . . and other tender moments have been the source of inspiration."  What complete bollocks and atrocious behaviour at corporate level.

Sirens

The payout culture now rules.  It seems that after a riot training exercise got out of control, a former police woman is rather better off.  She claimed £500,000 but settlement was reached out-of-court, with the amount undisclosed.  So, we can be pretty sure it's a six figure sum between £100,000 and £400,000.  Post traumatic stress disorder after riot training?  I think I'll sign up for some Fork Lift Driver training, and then claim I get panic attacks (two-pronged attacks) when I hear the beeping sound they make.

Algerian Cunt

After 18 years in the UK (illegally of course) a 53-year-old Algerian is resisting deportation.  He has previously threatened to poison himself, and to set light to himself (so?) and is now wasting public money with an appeal to the High Court, claiming use of force to put him on the plane would be illegal. This is rather contradictory for someone who's threatened to kill himself, surely?  Why don't the judges offer to provide a Bic lighter?

Co-operative Gays

New research has supposedly revealed that Co-op shops are among the top places for gay staff to work.  It is the UK's third most gay-friendly employer, according to Stonewall (a gay rights group).  Does this mean, I wonder, a new slogan?

TOWIE

A dispute has arisen over a party appearance by Chloe Sims (me neither) who was booked to appear at a girl's 13th birthday bash.  It seems she left with a headache after being hit on the head and breasts by two Haribo jelly bears. There's an argument now as to whether Chloe fulfilled her contract, after she left without saying goodbye to the devastated Hannah Khan.  I do not know what I find more sad, pathetic and outrageous:

a) the £3,000 fee for an appearance by a TOWIE 'star'
b) the fact that the parents made such a booking for a 13th birthday party
c) the fact that lawyers are even involved
d) that Haribo sweets are now classed under the term 'WMD'

In It To Win It

Yesterday I watched a rare victory for licence fee payers - Dale Winton managed to bore the fucking arse off millions of people for absolutely ages and then give away not a single penny of the money collected from us by the BBC to any of the contestants on 'In It To Win It'.  For a change, no cunt answered a lame question at the last minute to secure a share of what is typically about £50,000 given away each week.  Sadly, though, we had to endure Dale.  I'd actually prefer that the BBC did indeed give £50,000 away to someone [I know, how about some sort of lucky dip or prize draw?] on receipt of a guarantee that Dale will be put back in the broom cupboard for at least a decade.  I have no idea why his neck can no longer move freely - I suspect a coat hanger remains in his jacket when he is on air - and I've no theory on why he looks like a Thunderbird puppet, both in regard to his movements and to his weird make-up. As for the affected speech, stupid phraseology and general mincing, I think we could all do without Winton's wittering.  He managed yesterday to pronounce Steven Gerrard's surname with stress on the second syllable, and do the same with a ludicrous enunciation of 'guru'.

TMWSC: "Please do us all a favour and disappear, Dale."
Dale W:  "Would you like me to take that as your final answer?"
TMWSC: "Yes, you nob."
Dale W:  "Okay, 'Disappear' is now locked in."
TMWSC: "Unlike you, sadly."


...

16.2.13 Cooperative - Good With Tinnitus

What a fucking palaver this morning; the place was a complete joke, with the usual lunacy in terms of staff capabilities v customer requirements.  I stood in one of two queues while my ears endured the onslaught of shite.

"Member of staff to checkouts, please - customers waiting" was the tannoy announcement delivered by Rachel, who took a break from servicing to use the contraption.  I heard the call, every other shopper heard the call, but the cunt being called was deaf - must have been, because he did not appear.  Rachel battled on with her processing of people on the kiosk till, where the dreaded lottery facilities and the even more dreaded yellow 'Paypoint' machine allowed each shopper to spend much more time hogging the fucking space than a pig in shit.

Eleanor appeared; rather than add her presence to that of Val and Rachel, she simply took Val's place on the normal checkout lane, so that Val could fuck off! WTF?  There was some useless exchange between the two women regarding breaks that defied logic, and I stood perfectly still in the queue.  The noise in the checkout area was awful.

Behind me, I heard the exchanges between a girl of about twelve, and an older (and much larger) female who must have been about 17 - stone and years old. I could not decide whether the younger was the infant's mother, sister, auntie, minder or kidnapper.  She was being advised by the older one on some arrangements involving her dad arriving by eight in the morning, so they'd have to be up early.  There was further information to confirm that the house was freezing as the fire hadn't been on fir three days, but they'd all be okay what with the mattresses and blankets.  I decided not to try and analyse what my ears had picked up, and instead wondered why the fucking hell the shopper at Rachel's till was not moving on.

Eleanor called out to Rachel, in need of input regarding how to deal with savings stamps.  This led to Rachel stopping her own serving efforts and shouting over to Eleanor some instructions for the touchscreen terminal.  This remote approach was not efficient, or successful for a while, what with Eleanor being a useless twat with an attitude.  A baby started crying.  Behind me, I heard mention of gallstones and/or gallbladder issues from the fat one.  I've no idea of the extent of her issues and I was simply amazed at her gall in relaying such information at 90 decibels in my direction.

"Member of staff to checkouts, please - customers waiting."  Rachel again, who then returned to some sort of transaction that involved the yellow machine and electricity.  I sensed the growing queues, and clocked another woman (one of an age where the sex to conceive would not have been statutory rape) holding a child on her hip, and holding a basket in her other hand.  Noise prevailed, commotion filled the area, and Val was (I hoped) in pain somewhere, considering she'd fucked off when Eleanor relieved her.  Eleanor was begrudgingly scanning items at a reasonable speed, not that the issue with savings stamps had passed.

"Member of staff to checkouts, please - customers waiting."  Fucking hell, Rachel - will you fucking fuck off with your pathetic efforts to raise the dead. The woman in front of me had a basket, crammed with stuff.  Val appeared, and started serving on the second kiosk till.  The beeps, farts, calling, whinging and general rustling was all creating an unsatisfactory ambiance.  Mark appeared, and decided to fire up the second of the checkout lanes.  His first action was to announce: "do you want to use this till, please".  His second action was to tell the woman struggling with a baby on her hip and a basket in her other hand to move to one side, after she'd taken him up on his offer of using his till.  Mark was adamant that somebody from the adjacent queue was first to benefit from his belated efforts to help.  She stood back while a fit and able young bloke took his rightful place at the conveyor belt, and received Mark's input while the woman took up her position behind him.  "Maybe the extra weight lifting would build up her arm muscles to the point where she might be strong enough to break Mark's neck on the next visit", I thought to myself, just before Rachel called me forward - not by name of course, but under the umbrella cray of "next customer, please" at 95 decibels, drowning out (just) any talk of gallstones.

"For tonight?" seemed a dumb-arse question - and it was.  Of course for tonight!  On a Saturday morning, buying a Lotto ticket, I was surely unlikely to be planning ahead for Easter fucking Saturday. I took my papers, milk and Lotto ticket, and was pleased to be away from the Co-op.  My ears continued to hear, though, and for an hour I heard Rachel on the tannoy over a background buzzing that was like a wasp inside my head.

...

12.2.13 Celtic 0 - 3 Juventus, Football Minus 10

What a fucking unfunny joke this match was.  Without mincing words, Juventus were simply cunting cheats.  The holding by defenders should have led to at least five penalties for Celtic.  In particular, the Juve defender Stephan Lichtsteiner was the biggest cunt I've ever seen in a full back position.

Never has there been a more blatant fucking display of cheating and holding in the history of Champions League football.  Criminal - cuntin' criminal!

The referee was just a useless cunt, who managed to ignore what was staring him in the face on numerous occasions.  Then, on the couple of times he did decide to do something, he simply cautioned a player from each team. Fucking disgrace, referee - fucking wimpish!  Yes, I am fucking fuming, not because Celtic lost a game of football, but because of the complete fucking injustice, cheating and complete lack of enforcement of the laws of the game.

...

11.2.13 Cyclists Aren't All Responsible

...

10.2.13 Dancing On Ice - Week 6

Love Week

Gareth - very good, and he and Robin are good together.

Ashley: "Each week you're growing, you're evolving."  Thanks, Ashley.  Good Job.

Joe - Tiptoe Through the Tulips.  Hmmm . . odd choice of song.  Basic as hell on the ice, as ever.

Ashley: "I tiptoed over some two-lips with you."  [pronounced in the American way]  Thank's a bunch, Ashley.

Matt - Okay, but confidence has slipped a bit.  Tony Gubba helped us by pointing out the inclusion by Matt and Brianne of a "Sleeping in my bed lift with rotation".

Ashley: "I still think you had fun out there."  Thanks, Ashley; try not to think, though.

Maria - she got hoiked around the ice as usual, and managed to skate about as much as a puck does when it's hit across the ice by a hockey stick. Apparently, so Gubba said, there was a 'Floating Bodyguard Lift' in there somewhere.

Ashley: "I could tell you feel more confident with Sylvain.  There were moments when I felt a little bit of separation."  Thanks, Ashley, but whether you manage to keep your legs together under the table, or they creep apart, I'd rather not know.

Luke - Gubba made me laugh: "The pair of them are as vivid as a pair of budgies."  Then he drew attention to a "Tinkerbell Lift".  The skating was okay.

Ashley: "I liked the energy tonight.  You look like you're having fun out there." Thanks, Ashley; top notch judging as always!

Keith - he was okay, and as enthusiastic as ever.  Gubba told us he included an "It's all about you" lift.

Ashley: "Your smile lights up a room."  Thanks, Ashley; wonderful "critique", as you like to call it.

Beth - she did a "Leg Whirlybird", said Gubba.  Pretty good.

Ashley: "I wanted to see that fire and attack."  Thanks for nothing, Ashley. This and you're other gibberish marked you out as a tit.


The Results & Skate Off

In no particular order (other than the one the producers choose, to build up anticipation) - safe were: Gareth (deserved)
Samia (not half as surprised as me, luv)
Beth (deserved)
Matt (deserved)
Luke (deserved)

So, Joe versus Keith.  Barring fuck-ups, Joe was at last sure to go.  Sadly Bleakley couldn't be the one to get the elbow.  Joe moved around the rink to a Gibb song and proved to everyone that whilst he's a nice chap (rather than an ice chap) he had no right to get this far at all.  Keith smiled his way round, and unless he'd belly-flopped and impersonated a seal or walrus, then he couldn't have lost.

Let's hope there are not as many Coronation Street viewers watching next week, so that Samia isn't protected from her inability to skate and in fact her complete resistance to skating unaided.

Bleakley can hang the dress curtain back up, and put some proper clothes on until next Sunday.

...

10.2.13 News & Things That Crossed My Mind

Overdose / Overkill

Why the fucking fuck is Kelly Brook yet again on the front page of The Sun and then taking up nearly a whole page inside?  This woman does NOTHING at all except wear expensive big pants and big bras.  Baffling!

Weight Watchers

I see the numerous adverts for Weight Watchers along with the caption: "Weight Watchers doesn't just work, it works for life."  Sure, I accept that if you watch your weight and follow the Weight Watchers watching process, you'll likely find that it works.  That's not saying much though. That's like saying you won't die as long as you stay alive.  The advert featuring Patsy Kensit looks rather odd; surely I can't be the only person who thinks this is the case?  The endorsement comes from a photo and the one-liner, "Actress, lost over a stone in 17 weeks.  Sorry luv; separate from that level of loss being unremarkable for 17 weeks of effort, I think what's more noticeable is that you've also lost your looks.

Hacking

I read that there have been settlements agreed by many of the 'celebrities' who sought compensation for the phone hacking palaver.  I wonder if the Duchess of York (or Sarah Ferguson, to use her proper name and not prolong the point association with royalty that she clings to) or the equally annoying Kerry Katona are going to pass on their 'winnings' to the numerous creditors they have.  No, like you, I think that's rather unlikely.

Kimberley

Ms Walsh can't seem to do much wrong these days.  What with being the winner of Strictly Come Dancing, part of the successful Girls Aloud, and adept at a bit of acting, one might suppose she's got it made.  I confess that she seems to be generally quite nice - except for the relentless and overpowering smile (kept in place with obsessive use of the tongue to clean her teeth).  I find the painted-on smile rather false and off-putting.

Police Horse

It seems that a man has been jailed for feeding a sausage roll to a police horse.  Now, of all the crimes committed these days, I'd suggest that this one was rather less serious than most.  Seven days in jail for 'breaching the peace' is a pathetic outcome.  Whether the idiot offered the sausage roll to the horse (as claimed by the mounted cops) or the horse snatched it (as claimed by Francis Kelly) it is ludicrous that the court's time was wasted, and that the taxpayer is now paying to look after Mr Kelly for a week on top of the money spent on the prosecution.  The small few inches of column space devoted to this'story' was watched with an equal allocation for something rather less trivial - as follows:

Circumcision

Elsewhere in the paper was the update on a woman who carried out a botched home circumcision on a baby went wrong.  A "dangerous traditional Nigerian procedure" was used, and it led to the unfortunately named Goodluck bleeding to death and managing to live just four weeks.  Why the fuck neither Grace Aledelye nor the mother sought no fucking emergency help is disgusting.  So, a suspended jail term for negligence was the outcome.  Negligence?!?! Cunting illegality!  These extremes highlight how fucked up this country is - jail for feeding a sausage roll to a horse (while the country is panicking about horses being fed to people) and killing a baby is deemed a lesser matter..

Wreck It Ralph

This seems to be an animated film that I will avoid completely.  The efforts of Sarah Silverman to promote it on Graham Norton's TV show on Friday were pathetic, and she was totally nauseating.  The only reason this film might qualify for one star is through it being animated, and so the 'stars' are only giving their voice overs.  Silverman's character is awful on the ear.  Not that I would ever choose to suffer Jonathan Ross unnecessarily at any time, the TV Guide's note that one of the guests on his Saturday show was to be John C Reilly [no, me neither] was accompanied by the explanatory note that he provides the voice for the lead character in the same film.  So, there you have it; both the BBC and ITV main chat shows have prostituted themselves to allow an attack on our senses by Walt Disney and its needless animations.  Fuck It Ralph.

On a slight tangent, this film was previewed in the paper last week, and I was informed that it contains "Mild Violence" of all things.  Can anyone tell me what the fuck this means?  Is this the most blatant oxymoron ever?  I am struggled to create a more silly pair of words to act as a descriptive term - although "Partial Death" sounds as though it could vie for top spot.

Stable/Staple Diet

It seems we are now entrenched in horse jokes, and the inquiry goes under the title of Hoofdunnit? according to one paper.  Horse is not my staple diet, although I can't be 100% sure - just like those who've been buying 100% Aberdeen Angus Burgers have been let down both on the content of their burgers as well as the numerical assertions of the manufacturers. Unfortunately it has counted for nothing that some have spent more money on perceived higher quality products, but have fallen victim to mislabelling in the same way as those who bought cheap burgers which go by the names of "Everyday", "Smart Price", "Value" and "Pot Luck".  Actually, I made the last one up, but all of them are really different ways of marketing sludge, additives, reclaimed stuff and 'meat', a term that is allowed to be used to describe anything from an animal.  The irony is that the horse meat is likely to be far better for the eater than munching on what would have been in the burger if the horse was still galloping in the Light Brigade.

...

9.2.13 Question of the Week

Competition Question

Send your answers via Western Union Money Transfer, at £4214 per letter, and select A, B or C followed by your full name, full address without abbreviations, and in no less than 100 words your reasons for ever believing anything that comes from any of the characters in the photo.

Question:

What do you see in the above photo of four relatives?

A: Three twats and a cunt?
B: Three cunts and a twat?
C: Four cunts?
D: Four twats?
E: Four greedy fuckers?
F: Two pricks and two bitches?
G: Sleaziness
H: The Grim Reaper and three helpers?
I: Four nice people?
J: All of the above (excluding 'I')


Here's a sneak preview of next week's picture; get your thinking caps on and try to preempt the question.

...

9.2.13 News - Friday Round Up

Super Bowl XLVII

Well, it was by all accounts a good contest, and I did enjoy the small bit that I saw before falling asleep.  I was ready at 11.30pm, and managed to watch the first half.  The trouble was that the 30 minutes of play took so long to complete. The time-outs on top of the clock being stopped when the ball went out of play meant it was so easy for my eyelids to start closing.  Then there was the half-time show, with Beyonce prancing around and doing her usual thing.  I suspect that on this occasion she was not in fact miming, although I couldn't be sure.  I would have preferred no sound at all, though.  Anyway, when it was time for the second half to get underway, I managed just three minutes before turning the TV off, as it was 1.35am, and I couldn't bear the next 30 minutes of play taking an hour more.

Peter Lovenkrands

Apparently this chap is a striker for Birmingham City, and is overpaid - like most footballers.  I say this because it seems he was recently mugged on his own driveway, with the hooded yobs managing to steal the player's watch before fleeing.  Now, I am certainly not condoning the mugging.  If they had run into the path of a car and died, I'd have not an ounce of sympathy.  What I find baffling is that the watch was worth £30,000.  So, whilst the robbery was 100% out of order and the culprits deserve serious jail time and/or personal injury, I think that anyone wearing a watch worth £30,000 is an idiot with no sense of perspective.

Horses

What with Findus selling frozen food that's 99% horse meat when it's supposed to contain beef, and Tesco, Burger King, Aldi, Co-op and others all managing to include a percentage of horse in various products, including burgers, I find it funny that horseradish sauce has not yet featured in any of the jokes that I've seen; maybe it has, but I've missed them (?)

Useless Females

Yesterday, I saw in my newspaper an update on the latest poncing about by Kelly Brook, plus the obligatory photos.  She was in Miami and achieving nothing.  To quote from the paper: "Kelly Brook gives the green sight to fans by posting a sizzling picture of her bikini-clad body as she lounges on a beach. Kelly, 33, had been modelling in Miami, where later she strolled on the seaside."  Next to this blurb was the green bikini shot and another of her walking by the sea, and below, confirmation of what she was doing through the word 'Stroll' being typed.  What shite!

Yesterday also saw a Rita Ora large photo, and today I've got her again - this time taking up three-quarters of a fucking page.  What with a small pic of the ubiquitous Rihanna and Kelly fucking Brook yet again, I am amazed there isn't world peace, considering there could be no other reason for these bimbos hogging the space in the press.

Another useless bimbo is Katie Price, based on - well, everything, actually.  I note that in today's column she lambasts a Russian air stewardess, who according to KP posted a picture of herself giving the finger to passengers. KP's view is: "If you've got a problem with your workplace, dumb arse, discuss it with your manager not the whole world."  She added: "You were lucky to have a job and should've kept your gob shut to avoid getting fired."  There's a definite irony in KP telling someone to keep their gob shut, and a sense of profound hypocrisy in her calling a fellow female a 'dumb arse' as well as suggesting that telling the whole world was inappropriate.  Please, Ms Price (I use 'Ms' because I've no idea whether you're married, separated, divorced, lobotomised, or yet again 'in transition') can you take some of your own advice. By the way, the stewardess just tagged herself on a photo showing a finger, with air passengers in the background; it was not actually her finger/action. Still, why would you be prevented from writing something just because it is inaccurate.

David Jones Waster

This cabinet minister got a ride in a chauffeur-driven limo this week, from Downing Street to his office which is - wait for it - 450ft away!  The Welsh Secretary [this was the description in the paper, which is actually incorrect, because his position is Secretary of State for Wales; he is most probably Welsh, but that's hardly the reason the paper chose to call him the 'Welsh Secretary'] had a 90-minute meeting, and this pathetic journey in a car was a fucking cheek.  The driver had to wait for 90 minutes to pick the lazy fucker up and take him to his office.  This cunting bollocks is unacceptable, not only in the current economic climate, but at any time.  An aide [anonymous of course] insisted he was reading Cabinet papers in the motor.  SORRY, BUT - reading Cabinet papers (yeah, right!) for ONE MINUTE each way is NOT any sort of justification for cuntishness.

...

8.2.13 Oh Fuck, We Think We're Good

England v Brazil

What a disastrous result - beating Brazil 2-1 in the friendly at Wembley!  The fact that it was a 'friendly' will be of no consequence to the people who want to believe that suddenly England has a world class squad of players, and can take over the world with scintillating play.  Let's just have a common-sense recap on what actually happened yesterday.

Walcott did well with a bit of pace, and the ball came loose to the edge of the box where Wayne Rooney side-footed it into the net.  Brazil managed to piss about quite a lot, and miss opportunities to score, including a sitter for Neymar. They finally equalised after trying just a bit harder, but Lampard scored with a well placed shot (though the fact that it crept inside the post was as much down to luck as brilliance).

As for the penalty save, I think that even I could have fallen five feet to my left and stopped a rather weak penalty kick.  I do agree that England played quite well, but let's please not get carried away.  This is not proof that we can win the World Cup, nor is it a basis to believe we won't be watching an awful display in the next match. There's no doubt in my mind that we will forever retain the ability to make silly mistakes and allow the opposition to score. There will always be a perverse urge to pass the ball (for no good reason) to someone who's being tightly marked, or back to the keeper so he can fuck up.

Andy Townsend was the real star of the evening, with a few good quotes. Some of the discussion and comments after the match provided further amusement.

Roy Keane: "He was so brave to put his arm out."  This was a quite pathetic comment.  Joe Hart is a fucking goalkeeper, and it's his job to put his arm out!

Commentator: "Swashbuckling stuff from England."  What a useless turn of phrase.

Andy Townsend: "It's never easy sometimes."  Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, Andy, whatever you're trying to say with that effort.

Andy Townsend: "Defenders can drop off and just go to sleep."  I think you're taking the cliches and analogies a bit too far!

Frank Lampard: "The lads who played all 90 minutes deserve a lot of credit as they can't half move the ball.  They pop up in little holes behind you and there was a lot of work-rate there - and we got the win."  This is simply complete bollocks, Frank.

Roy Hodgson: "Apart from a mad spell at the start of the second half when we lost the ball, the team dealt well with Brazil's questions."  Roy, it was not a fucking quiz.


...

6.2.13 Thoughts of the Day

Taking Stock

If Marco Pierre White is such a good cook, why on earth does he appear in an advert for Knorr, and lovingly place an oval lump of brown jelly in a large pan of food?  Chicken Stock Pots are mass produced and a million miles away from the efforts expected of, and expected by, chefs!

Bypass Users

I believe that no one should be allowed to use any bypass if the speed at which he or she decides to travel would be totally appropriate for taking the alternative route through the built-up areas and/or town centre.  30mph on a fucking bypass that is designed for movement at 60mph is intolerable!

Alcohol Users

I was not happy to hear on my car radio a reference to "drug addicts and alcohol users".  I use the bypass, I use an Acer laptop.  However, I do NOT 'use' alcohol.  To 'use' alcohol suggests anything other than drinking it. Someone who perhaps cleans certain items with an alcohol-based substance could be said to 'use' alcohol.  So, Libby Purves, please see the error of your ways and speak properly in future.

Tesco Twats

The people in charge at Tesco have decided that the film "New Year's Day" is worth £14.00 at the moment.  This has been the price for a while now, although anyone wanting to buy it can do so in Asda for £7.00.  What's laughable at Tesco is this film's appearance in a small section of DVDs which is clearly aimed at those looking ahead to Valentine's Day.  Yes, next to the array of pink and red shit, I saw a selection of (well half a dozen) DVDs that for some weird reason included "LOL" (with the awful Mylie Cyrus) and the obvious "Valentine's Day" at just £5.00.  Right next to it was "New Year's Day" [that's right, it was indeed 36 days ago] at £14.00, and on its front was a red sticker saying "Valentine's Day".  What desperate yet fucking inappropriate and useless (not to mention shit value) marketing is this heap of bollocks?

Tattoos

I saw the sign writing and was instantly annoyed at the misuse of English.  A 'solution' is either a means of solving a problem, the correct answer to a puzzle, or a homogeneous mixture of two or more substances.  Sadly, many companies now believe their services or products are the answers to life's problems - even when there is nothing that needs solving.  On the inside of the rear window of the estate car in front of me, above a phone number and email address, where the words "Tattoo Solutions".  I can be totally confident that the driver was in no way promoting inks of various colours. No, it was a pretentious approach to making his tattooing services rather more intriguing than is the case.  There is really no need for a solution to tattoos.  The issue of 'Security' is one that could be said to benefit from somebody able to offer solutions, and the same goes for 'Crosswords', because one always needs the solutions included at the back of the book, or in the next day's paper.  I do not see tattoos as problematic, and so they are not a problem requiring a solution.

Sarah Ferguson

What a pointless individual and general waste of space.


...

5.2.13 Newspapers - Available Space

Space Allocation

The Sun is a newspaper that's annoying in terms of its repeated allocation of space to people who are in fact wastes of space.  Last Friday, the front page showed four different things/people.  Half of the page was taken with a photograph of David Beckham, with "Golden Boules" as the headline.  With all the important things going on in the world, Beckham's agreement to play for PSG for 20 weeks was deemed the main topic.  What pissed me off, though, was not this choice, but The Sun deciding tow feature two further photographs that had no CUNTING business being on a front page of anything; one was of Kelly Brook and the other was of Russell Brand.

Inside the paper, Beckham got a full page allocated to his charitable efforts [although there's a lot more to this than that] but to my utter fucking disgust, Kelly's split with her latest boyfriend (number 117 ?? who knows) was also deemed worthy of near enough a full page!  Fucking farcical!

Russell Brand got a page and a half, on his latest un-newsworthy shite involving women, sex yoga and bollocks.  A complete travesty and an affront to humanity, let alone journalism.  Shame on you, The Sun.

The woman who lost an eye had a small photo on the front page, and the same nearly-full-page allocation inside the paper as was awarded to Kelly Brook.  Hmmmm . . . 'go compare'.

On Saturday, Danniella Westbrook smiles from the front page, with the caption "I want to foster kids from drug abuse families".  This is NOT news, or of any interest, of any relevance or worthy of front page mention - let alone 1.75 pages of shite inside!

In case anyone was feeling deprived of pointless Kelly Brook input, the newspaper published a large photo of her on Saturday as well, on page 4.  On Monday, Beyonce, Rihanna, Kimberley Walsh and Tulisa all appeared, giving us a break from Kelly, but she's back today, on page 24, looking happy and showing cleavage as usual.  Her recent split with whoever-it-was seems almost as irrelevant as Kelly herself.

There seems to be so much space available for useless women who do not have any relevance to news at all.  What with 'Page 3' females, there's little that is now demanded before an appearance is 'justified' by the press, in particular The Sun.

...

5.2.13 Supermarket Chit Chat

I am not sure what it is that causes such odd exchanges, or why I attract input when seeking none at all.  Despite my best efforts for anonymity when shopping, there are occasions when I find myself engaged in discourse with strangers who are most definitely and appropriately 'strange'.

Sugar Puffs

I was going to start this paragraph with a 'Captain's Log, Star Date' entry, but cannot remember the exact date/time of the exchange I had with a shopper in Asda.  I was minding my own business, and was exiting an aisle having just picked up two bottles of Sprite [£1.99 or two for £3.00].  Moving at was most likely to have been 1mph, I encountered a bloke in a daze.  Actually, he was in a brown anorak, but you know what I mean.  He banged into the front of my trolley with the slightest impact that could be classified as 'impact' and immediately landed from cuckoo land, to apologise.  Before any input from me, he was off, giving me an unwarranted, unnecessary and uninvited explanation.  It was, it seemed, Sugar Puffs, or the lack of them, that had caused the 'impact'.

"I'm sorry, I was miles away.  I've been coming here for weeks, looking for Sugar Puffs, but they don't seem to sell them anymore.  I was so busy looking out for them, I didn't even see you."  He went to to explain how he'd been looking along the shelving for the non-existent product.

I assured him there was no issue from my perspective, and moved forward to look in the end cabinets of the freezer aisles.  The 'Sugar Puff Hunter' proceeded up the aisle containing soft drinks, and I wandered in the other direction.  I passed the cereals, en route to the Birds Eye section, passing as I did so the Sugar Puffs.  £1.07 was not bad, although anyone with an ounce of common sense would give them a miss because the box contained 450g rather than 500g [subtle conning of the shopper] but of far greater importance is the overriding issue with Sugar Puffs - the sugar content was massively reduced some years ago and they now taste like cardboard.  I was, however, prompted to buy some sugar, and retraced my steps for an 88p bag, noting that the chap had disappeared from the top end of the drinks aisle, so I could not have been helpful, even if I'd wanted to be.

Carlsberg

It was on that same shopping visit in Asda that I came across the woman who wanted to have an in-depth chat, and it was clear to me that lager was her specialist subject - 'probably'.  Yes, as I reached for a box containing 12 cans of Carlsberg [£8.00] I was commended for my actions by Ms Watchdog, who announced this was the best deal going, though not as good as the £12.00 for 20 cans that was on offer a couple of weeks previously.  After a further reference to 'fridge packs', she returned to the 12-pack being 'okay at the moment', and that £12.00 for 20 not being available anymore was a shame.  I tried to extract myself from the 'conversation', though to be honest, there was no real invitation for me to actually participate.  When she brought Tesco and Morrisons into her lecture, I decided that was enough.  "I've actually bought Carlsberg for as little as £10.00 for 20 cans here before.  "This was seemingly a deal that she'd not committed to memory or perhaps ever benefited from because she was almost stumped - well, silent long enough for me to push off.

PS: At the checkout, I heard the tones of Ms Watchdog, who was announcing to the checkout operator her views on all sorts, and I caught the phrase: "I'm glad I'm not a millionaire . ." and resisted the urge to turn my head.  I packed up and headed out of the store, past the various obstacles that littered the route, past Customer Service, the chemist, the pallets of soap powder, a coin-exchange machine, security alarm barriers and an appeal for something-or-other, threading my way between the oncoming fat cunts that were out shopping that day, wearing XXXL versions of what would be fashionable on anyone whose legs didn't rub together and start fires..

Cold Weather

Some weeks ago, I was in Tesco and needed to use the toilet.  I located the toilets and was just underway at the urinal when an old bloke came in and was instantly chatty.  I have no idea why people in lifts feel obliged to talk to each other, or at least exchange acknowledging noises or signs, but I've never really felt this phenomenon has a place in a supermarket toilet - whatever the weather.

I learned that it was very cold outside - something I'd clocked of course, having arrived by means other than Scottie beaming me the fuck in at a rather large and new Tesco.  I learned, mid-pee, that Mr Flat Cap would rather be sitting at home in his armchair, although that would then demand an increase in the setting on the fire and so higher fuel bills.  This sort of teaching was not quite in the league of knowledge that would have been imparted by the Dalai Lama, in whose company I might well have been comfortable (peeing or not) because he'd no doubt have views that outdid the current price of gas.  I had little choice but to make a few sounds to signal concurrence and wait for nature to take its course.  I left before him, having washed my hands and dried them before Flat Cap was 'clear'.  The noise of the dryer prevented further repartee, and all was well with the world (other than the ambient temperature outside) as I pondered whether there would be an Extra Large ironing board cover on display, to make an exchange with the 'Large' one (that was not actually large) residing behind the counter at Customer Services.  To conclude this last element, and to ensure you're not left dangling, there was in fact no Extra Large cover - in fact, despite such an option being printed on the reverse packaging of the Large one I'd bought (along with Small and Medium options) Extra Large was now discontinued!  I had to trust to a 'Universal Fit' option at £1.00 more, and we all know that Universal Fit means 'a poor fit but it will do'.  It did, just.

Metal Knees

Sonia in Morrisons has a husband whose implants set off alarms and sensors at airports.  I know this because she announced it with some glee and a good dollop of volume, so that the bloke behind me could hear everything as well.  I was packing my shopping when behind me an alarm sounded.  I turned to see a chap walking to the toilets, and he'd walked between the two upright sensors.  "There's metal on him" was the input from Sonia.  "Always causes it."  I remained silent.  As I was packing my last bag and waiting for my change, the alarm went off again.  I turned, and the bloke had stopped, with a perplexed expression plastered on his face.  "You've got metal on you," was Sonia's contribution, with the sound waves leaving her mouth at 27.5mph, shooting over my left shoulder, and hitting the ears of Metal Mickey some yards away.  After a few seconds, all was revealed: "I've got metal knees."

I left while there was some banter about airports, husbands and security, and was pleased that I'd bought a good film - according to Sonia, at least.  She'd scanned my newspaper and commented at the tragic headline, and then told me the film "looks good".  She decided this with no reference to the story detailed on the reverse, no idea of the title because the sticker on the front obscured it, and with nothing to go on but half a picture that included a gun and a woman looking tense.  I half expected her to ask what my second film was all about [called Salmon Fishing in the Yemen].  That one, however, received no comment, and I was just thankful she removed the plastic security spike during the scanning process.  I wondered if it would have set off any alarms if she'd not done so, and if I'd have got away with actual theft by claiming to have metal knees.

...

3.2.13 No Tefal, No, No, No!

This evening I have suffered at the hands of Tefal, a company which has produced the most annoying fucked up cuntish advert.  The voice over tells us what's been happening at Tefal.

"Tefal invents its toughest fry pan".

It's a cuntin FRYING pan !

...

3.1.13 Week 5 - Dancing On Ice

This week, the programme should have been renamed - Farce On Ice would more accurately have reflected the goings on.  We were met with the cardboard cut-out of Mr Schofield, and the strangely clad Ms Bleakley, who looked like she was wearing the flock wallpaper last used along the side wall of the Delight Tandoori in Birmingham.

The 'Leveller' was the name of the show, or the theme, and was supposed to challenge the individuals to perform some real skating without the support of their partners.  I would have said that thirty seconds of skating was hardly too much to expect after a good few weeks of DOI, and of course the twelve weeks head start they get before programmes commence.  For some, though, the task was rather too much.

Ashley talked shit after Samia's stilted and rather feeble performance, mentioning "sassiness" as usual - this time the absence of it.  Jason managed to use the work "remedial" in his description.  The 18 points Samia gained were rather fewer than her previous efforts have received.

Keith, according to Tony Gubba, managed to offer us in his routine some "Dicing, slicing, tango steps" and he scored 21 points.  Tony Gubba was the only one of form tonight, and amused me with his description of Shayne Ward: "Shayne - who never looks like a man in a hurry."  I thought it was the judges who were supposed to comment on 'speed over the ice' and 'flow'.

The round-up by Tony drew our attention to a "rippling dip" and a "thread the needle cartwheel", before 23.5 points were awarded to Shayne - along with Ashley's useless input that involved the word "sassiness" and that this was one of his best performances.  Considering it was only his fourth one, that was say very little indeed, something Ashley is actually good at.

Gubba told us all that Matt was "like a giant crow in those oily black feathers" and I wondered which tanker had run aground on the south coast.  Then I dismissed that as the source of oil in his feathers, and decided it must have been Gubba getting carried away with his weird comments.  Matt scored 28 points to go into the lead, and continue the trend for beating the score of the person before.

Then Luke got 23.5, although to be fair, he was slightly better this week than his poor efforts to date.  Gareth gave us a "splayed pencil lift" (Gubba again) to get 27.5 points.  Then along came Beth, and she managed to go top with 30.5 points and a good display.  The it was time for the farce to commence.

Joe Pasquale seems to be like the lead actor in a film, and survive whatever comes his way, and whatever he does.  His dancing and skating were more basic than the 8p noodles in Asda.  It was laughable, and noted as such by the judges.

Gubba: "It's not has he lost it, it's did he ever have it?"
Karen:  "I worked with Joe all week and half of that routine I didn't even recognise."
Jason:  "An egg on tooth pics."

So, with a leader board that was:

Beth     30.5
Matt     28.0
Gareth  27.5
Shayne 23.5
Luke     23.5
Keith     21.0
Samia   18.0
Joe       18.0

you'd expect a skate-off between Samia and Joe.  However, this was prior to the public vote, so it was of course going to lead to an upset.  Let's suppose that Samia got loads of votes because viewers of Coronation Street decided to call and waste money.  Let's also assume that Joe's antics would encourage old dears to vote.  On that basis, a dance-off between Keith and maybe Luke would have been no great surprise.  However, the skate-off was in the end between Matt and Shayne.  Fucking silly.  Until Joe fucks off, this programme is bolloxed!

Shayne went home, everyone looked shocked, and neither Joe nor Samia did the honourable thing and volunteered to piss off in lieu of a skate-off.

Karen was in tears, Bleakley looked bleak, Matt was crying, Brianne was tearful, Shayne was devastated, Samia looked like she was posing for a artist painting Edvard Munch's 'The Scream'.  Torvill & Dean said all the right things - a bit like Louis Walsh who thinks everyone deserves to go through and then realises that there's no one left who has to be ejected.

Wonderfully farcical !!!

...

3.2.13 Splash! It's All Over

Yes, folks, after some real pain and some perverse enjoyment, the diving spectacle on Saturday nights is gone.  However, probably not for good, if we decide to read something into the opening comments:

"In the battle of the boards, you'll decide who is the Splash! Champion 2013."

That suggests to me that there'll be a 2014 dose of diving.  Oh dear.  This hour-and-a-half programme got underway at 7.00pm, and after some awful introductory comments, we heard from Gabby Logan at 7.05pm:

"The power is with you - the lines are now open!

I struggled to understand how the fuck that I, the viewer, could cast a vote for anyone without having seen any of the six dives that should have been the basis for my decision making.  Still, as with everything else about this show, it was simply wrong.  As wrong as the attire of one Vernon Kay.  He started presenting four weeks ago, dressed in a polo shirt and tailored shorts and espadrilles.He then moved on to the less stupid long trousers and a normal shirt to go with normal shoes.  Yesterday, the final seemed to have egged him on and he was in a waistcoat.  The snooker tables are over on BBC2, Vernon.

The little exchange with the three judges was, as ever, laughable.  Jo was inelegantly fat; I feel no awkwardness at all about referring to her weight or size, because that's all she can talk about, herself, linked to the general hobby of eating.  Could someone nudge her, please; either into the pool, or towards some new material.

Leon - "After four weeks being guided by us, everyone is an expert now."

Thank's Leon, for that.  However, with such a pompous and self congratulatory statement, you clearly need no thanks because you're patting yourself so hard on the back, a boiled sweet from 1985 just popped out!

Gabby - "Linda, you're the only lady in the field."

Talk about stating the obvious!  [Actually, the old nag was not quite grazing in a field, more shouting -or 'Barking' - excitedly into an unnecessary microphone].  At least Gabby said "lady" rather than "girl", with which I would have had an issue.

After she stripped off, climbed to the top board, did a bit of yoga and then dived into the water, we went to the judges for their comments.  We'd already been told that judges' scores were for guidance only.  This was a lie, of course, because Jo Brand's scores have never been of any guidance value.  In most cases, the following formula has applied in this competition: A + 1 = J where A is Andy's score (always given first) and J is Jo's score (always given immediately afterwards).  It should be noted that as divers have performed much better, and there is nowhere for Jo's score to go, the difference is limited to half or nil.

Andy - "The only girl left in the competition opens the show and does it in style."

For fuck's sake, Andy, she's not a 'girl' - she's fifty-one.  Can we get over this fucking one female and two males making it to the final.  Considering we had in the heats Tina Malone who was awful, Helen Lederer who was so awful it was hilarious, and Jade who couldn't even swim, I reckon there was always a possibility of males doing slightly better!

Jo - "I ate a burger."

Her comment was attached to something about a horse, but the punchline of course related to eating, and fuck all to do with fucking diving.  Why was she not at home with a Family Bucket from KFC?

Leon - "So easy to get disorientated; so easy to get lost."

I considered this comment and for a moment thought Leon was directing it at Jo.  Maybe she was simply disorientated, got lost, and wandered into the studio where someone gave her a seat and a glass of water - on the judging panel!  Then I realised he was commenting on Linda's dive and I tried to work out how one could 'get lost', considering the only way was to go down towards the water - no satnav needed for that!

After we heard the 8.5 / 9.5 scores from Andy and Jo, we knew the third score before it was given.  This is because Leon works to a different formula: L = (itfocbstus) A where L is Leon's score, A is Andy's score, and the brackets contain the instruction: ignore the fat one completely because she talks utter shit.

Gabby - "She's got the full suite - a three-piece suite."

At this point, I lost the will to keep a note of the inanity leaving the mouths of those involved with Splash!    Eddie the Eagle Edwards got 30/30 for his dive, and this was no surprise.  Jake Canuso then managed to score 27.5 for a very good effort.  Sadly I do recall the comment from Jo Brand:

Jo - "I gave up dancing when the pole broke."

A new low in television arrived with the attempted synchronised presenting; yes, Vernon and Gabby making twats of them selves to a greater level than achieved thus far.

The only real question was whether the public vote would elevate Linda Shouter to second place, but no, Jake was in second place and Eddie triumphed.

Splash! It's all over  [TMWSC, in celebration]

Splash it all over  [Henry Cooper, Brute advert]

...

3.2.13 News Update - Running the Numbers

The UK has once again proven itself to be fucked up, and completely stupid when deciding what is a priority.  Yes, in a week when many millions have been spent on juggling the clubs for whom overpaid footballers will appear on a pitch, we have some odd comparisons, as follows:

40,000 - the number of children that get child benefit from the UK government but don't actually live in the UK !!!

£405 - the fine that had to be paid by Laura Howells for accidentally dropping a sachet of salt in a car park.  £75 was the on-the-spot fine and £330 costs later in court.  Carmarthenshire Council is a collective cunt.

£200 - the fine given to a company whose worker had just collected a van from a garage, and hadn't had time to put a 'No Smoking' sign inside it.  The driver was a fucking non-smoker, and if he'd actually smoked, the fine would have been only £50.  Fucking ludicrous.  Haringey Council is twinned with the council in Carmarthenshire!

£3,000 - the cost of operations on varicose veins, operations which are being scrapped by NHS trusts to save money.  No let up, though, on fat people getting fatter and having balloons fitted, and gastric bands/sleeves.  If you have varicose veins and you're not fat, you'd be forgiven for thinking the NHS is rather biased.

£250,000 - the typical cost of a wind turbine, just like the one that fell down last week because it was too fucking windy!

£96 - the cost of a Paris-Saint Germain shirt with 'Beckham' written on the back of it.  Madness.

£400,000 - the compensation just awarded to Natasha Sivanandan for 'discrimination', after Hackney Council didn't give her a job 14 years ago, in its anti-racism department.  Fucking obscene!

Zero - the reasons for feeling any sympathy at all for Alex Ferguson, who seems to think he is picked on for being 'high profile' (rather than any view that he might just be too big for his boots, chew gum in an appalling fashion, moan all the time, expect referees to give him unearned respect and live his life being hard done by).

...

2.2.13 Oi, Cameron!

Mr Cameron

Just a suggestion - one that might actually mean you are slightly better placed to win the next election - how about exercising some fucking common sense and maybe doing what the people of this country want!

Now you're pissing about in Africa, and announcing all sort of shit about what Britain will do both now and in years to come.  Liberia, Mali, Libya, Algeria - what next?  Haven't we learned enough after Iraq and now Afghanistan?

On top of the meddling that you're engaging in, commitments to give away billions of pounds do not go down well when the country is in a mess, and your 'home policy' is looking more ludicrous every day.  If you want to 'lead the way', can you please buy a cunting compass first.  Also, if we're in Europe and you want us to stay in the EU, how about encouraging an EU response to providing aid to other countries.  I rather thought that the EU was designed to take subscriptions from members, and then decide what to do with the money.  Why then are you so bent on going alone?  You are in effect bypassing the EU.  I do not believe there will be a referendum on Britain's membership of the EU.  Your recent promise is shite - the manifesto last time said we'd get a vote.

Cameron, get a cunting grip, please.

Many thanks

TMWSC

...

1.2.13 January Quotes of the Month [Fifty]

Some are funny, some are daft, some are complete nonsense and some are howlers with regards to the grammar; these 'categories' are NOT mutually exclusive.  I have split them up into three different groups; general (1-22) then football related (23-29) and then those which more particularly highlight grammar issues (30-50) or are simply gobbledygook.

1    - "We are committed to poultry welfare."  [Spokesman for KFC]

2    - "Petra's tried a rash of remedies."  [Narrator on Embarrassing Bodies ref patient's nasty rash]

3    - "I nearly read it, but the word 'Pi' put me off."  [Jess, explaining why she hasn't read The Life of Pi]

4    - "Oops; no laughing at all."  [Harvey, after Aly dropped a jam jar]

5    - "Ooh, what's her name? . .  . the Italian Scottish bint from Texas."  [Aly, ref Sharleen Spiteri]

6    - "Bloody hell; I didn't realise she was foreign."  [Jess, after speaking to Lorrenza from Italy, to give her some directions, and struggling to make herself understood]

7    - "Are you a porn star?"  [Hotel butler, asking Katie Price a question]

8    - "We will give her a full refund on the condition she does not choose our restaurants or resorts for any future stays."  [Hotel spokesman, after Katie Price's honeymoon stay]

9    - "We've been inseparable except for when we broke up."  [on One born Every Minute]

10  - "You do everything to protect your family but how clean is your toilet?  [Toilet Duck advert, rather overdoing the parental responsibility aspect]

11  - "Hopefully we'll be here next week to show these characters she's got."  [Matt Evers, dance partner of Pamela Anderson on Dancing On Ice, talking about her character-driven dance abilities just before her 'characters'/boobs went on the loose]

12  - "I'm not graceful."  [Jess]

13  - "Nazi architect Albert Speer spent 20 years in Spandau Ballet."  [Radio 4 announcer, who meant Spandau Prison]

14  - "Because it's a duel, we both need to do it together."  [Luke Campbell, on Dancing On Ice, showing his astuteness]

15  - "You've done your bit; you've walked from there to there."  [Dale Winton, to a contestant who luckily joined in on his quiz with seconds before the end, and so qualified to answer just one question to win £33,000]

16  - "The Buck Inn . . For a BuckInn Good Night"  [Sign outside the 'Buck Inn', Whitby]

17  - "Life's too short to put up with an overactive bladder."  [TV advert]

18  - "You should do a Jenson Buttons."  [Aly, suggesting growing younger, and meaning to refer to Benjamin Button]

19  - "She's having her hair done - and her nails to boot!  Why not just say as well?"  [Jess]

20  - "We believe there is potentially a potential for . . . ."  [Radio 4, spokeswoman on woodlands]

21  - "Oona, you have a great face."  [Jason Gardiner lying to Oona King, on Dancing On Ice]

22  - "Excessive beer consumption cannot be recommended for good health."  [Professor Werner Kaminsky]

23  - "The question about his ability is never in question."  [Mark Lawrenson]

24  - "It will be very tricky to see how Wigan get back into this game."  [Commentator.  No, tricky for Wigan to get back into the game, but EASY for me to see!]

25  - "They're playing with two lads who aren't constitute out and out forwards."  [Who else but Alan Shearer!]

26  - "Sturridge is Kop's new bride and joy but it's Suarez handball that altars course of match."  [Sun Sport - utter shite all round]

27  - "If we do that, there'll be a lot more better atmosphere."  [Michael Appleton, Blackburn Manager]

28  - "Every agent seems to be trying to screw each other."  [Harry Redknapp]

29  - "It'll be hard to pick their way through this many numbers."  [Commentator, Liverpool v Sunderland]

30  - "The young couple was both murdered."  [Daily Mail]

31  - "Insulin deficiency can mean you hold onto fat."  [Embarrassing Bodies]

32  - "Edinburgh are the first European university to award Pele a degree."  [Four Four Two magazine]

33  - "As far as temperatures go, in a word, cold."  [No! weather is cold, temperatures are low!]

34  - "Love rat soap quiz - who cheated who?"  [MSN]

35  - "Our aim is the same - to give every family their sparkle back."  [Butlins advert]

36  - "One of you three are about to join in."  [Dale Winton]

37  - "I play different."  [Shane Warne.  Yes, you are different and speak a different language; it's differently!]

38  - "Northerners could get less benefits."  [MSN]

39  - "A little row of cottages are close to collapse."  [TV News]

40  - "Most happiest."  [Darcy Bussell - 'most happy' or 'happiest', please!]

41  - "Another bunch of ten chefs enter the kitchen."  [Masterchef]

42  - "The team investigate complaints."  [Rip Off Britain]

43  - "An animal lover discovers how much bacteria is lurking in her kitchen."  [The Food Inspectors]

44  - "The coalition are agreed."  [Radio 4]

45  - "In the global world . . ."  [Radio 4]

46  - "It was a bit of a phenomena."  [Thick band member from Essex on Radio 2]

47  - "We have been making efficiencies."  [But not making sense, it seems! Chelmsford Council spokesman on Radio 4]

48  - "Cover and leave to marinade."  [Schwartz Tikka packaging that should state 'marinate']

49  - "Eat healthier."  [Quorn advert.  Eat healthier food, yes, or be healthier, but eat healthily]

50  - "People have a lot of misconceptions about California but none if them are really true."  [TV advert.  I suspect that's why they're called misconceptions rather than conceptions!]

...