Wednesday 30 January 2013

30.1.13 Wetherby Services - Rubbish

I have decided to speak out, and make a stand against the fascist rulers of Wetherby Services, who have erected numerous signs about litter.  The two similar messages are:

"Bin your litter, other people do"

"Use a bin for your litter, others do"



I am not at all happy with the messages being given via these notices.  My unhappiness with the tone and sentiment is matched by my complete dissatisfaction regarding the wording itself.  I would like to go on record to say that, despite the claims made, I (and only I) put my litter into a bin.  I have never expected anyone else to put my litter in any bin, nor have I ever sought such intervention in any motorway service area, let alone Wetherby.  Neither have I, under duress, ever allowed someone else to manhandle my litter, or transport it towards a bin.

The insinuation is that I am creating a lot of litter which other people are putting in the bin, and that I am at fault for not joining in: ie. Other people do, but I don't.  Other's apparently use a bin for my litter and I am now being told to use a bin as well.  As far as I am concerned, other people can keep their fucking hands off my litter!  If I am successful in managing to keep other people's hands off my litter, then the claim that 'others do' (regarding use of a bin for my litter) is quite clearly a lie.  I am in the process of obtaining legal advice over whether I can sue in Wetherby.

Changing approach now, to consider the other option, I have concerns as well.  By 'the other option', I mean that the notices are inherently flawed, and the intention of the twats in charge was to say that other people put their own litter into the bins, so I really ought to follow their example (with my litter, not theirs, of course).  IF this is what they meant to say (but failed completely) then I need to highlight further issues.

The "others do" and "other people do" assertions are clearly lies.  I claim that there must have been a state whereby other people fucking didn't for there to have been a need for signage.  The only reason for such signs would have been litter that was not placed in bins.  If there was indeed litter on the floor, and the claim that "others do" (or did) has any merit at all, then it must have been ME by default who was the fucker littering the place!  I resent the accusation and refute it completely.  In fact I refute the charge, and refuse to accept that the refuse was not binned by me.  I can be quite sure that other people fucking didn't throw their own litter into the bins because I know for a fact that I have always thrown my litter (litter that needed throwing, anyway*) into bins.  Thus, any litter not in a bin was/is most certainly not mine.  I therefore resent getting the blame for that, through the tone of these notices that are threatening and pompous!

I have purchased 3 cans of aerosol paint, so that under cover of darkness, I can respond to each claim on each sign with one of the following three options:

a) Fuck off, I do bin my litter!
b) No they fucking don't!
c) You cunts - that's libellous.

'Other people' are in fact thick cunts who cannot read.  I know this because anyone who reads any of the signs will automatically become the target of the instruction/criticism, and be ordered to use a fucking bin, something that others do.  It therefore follows that the only people qualifying as 'other people' must be those who do not see or understand the signs.  The blind will of course be unaware, period.  They will not see the signs, not know which group ('others' or 'alleged offenders') they belong to and will most definitely not see whether there's any litter lying about.  In fact, they won't even see the bins.  Apart from the fact that they MAY produce some litter of their own, we should, I feel, exclude them completely from this whole mess.  That leaves us with people who cannot read.

People who cannot read the signs will therefore form part of the group known as "others" on account of their not being able to see the message which would immediately move them into the category of offenders.  On that basis, they will be in the clear as far as binning rubbish goes, even if they do not bin their rubbish.  This oversight by the sign-makers means someone can drop rubbish underneath a sign, yet form part of the group known as "others" whose members supposedly "DO" put rubbish in bins.

* I noted above that I throw away litter that needs to be binned.  Quite clearly there ought to be a choice.  These days, so the government keeps spouting, choice is everything.  I think it is a cheek to order us all to bin litter, because on many occasions I decide to take it away with me.  Whilst we do not in the UK have a constitution, I feel that the right to bear rubbish would be something to be included in my rights.  Now, though, I'd like to move on to the final FLAW in the whole mess.

I may (as may others) from time to time have various collections of molecules that could be termed not just 'unwanted', but 'rubbish'.  Rubbish itself is not a problem, but what is done with it can lead to undesirable results, and so problems with litter.  Rubbish, if not properly dealt with, can cause a mess, and in such circumstances, rubbish becomes 'litter'.  If I have some rubbish, and I put it into a bin, then all well and good, and 'litter' does not come into the equation.  However, if I have some rubbish and drop it on the floor, then it instantly becomes 'litter'.  The sign writers were wrong to target litter.

Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed of improperly, without consent, in an inappropriate location - so says Wikipedia.  So, if I decide not to turn my rubbish into 'litter', I need do no more than keep it, or put it into a bin.  To make it 'litter', I'd need to toss it on to the floor.  Once it is on the floor, it IS NOT MINE, but instead belongs to Wetherby Services, the owner of the property. The twats who made these signs should have suggested all visitors ought to put their own rubbish into the bins provided.  That way, there would be no fucking litter!

Q.E.D.

...

Monday 28 January 2013

28.1.13 Problem Page - Problems of the Week

Maybe I have a warped sense of humour.  Actually, there's no 'maybe' about it. Still, on this occasion I am quite sure my amusement is shared by others, because there were a couple of entries in Saturday's paper that are worthy of repetition here.  Initially I'd missed them, but they were read out aloud around the kitchen table by finacee of TMWSC Junior, and I decided they needed further attention.  The first is certainly a funny one.  The second is simply unbelievable.  So here we go - Problems of the Week

Dear Deidre

When my youngest child left home, my wife decided she didn't want to be bored and needed a new focus in life.  Sadly she's found it in network marketing - selling cleaning products.  It's driving me mental and making us both social lepers.  I'm 43 and she's 44 and we have been happily married for 22 years.  But since she started this lark there are stickers all over the house saying things like: "I will be regional manager!!"
    She even went on a training course in the States and came back talking like an American and spouting pure company jargon.  Worst of all, she's contacted all of our friends locally to "present her business" and push all her products on them.  I'm worried they'll start to avoid us.

TMWSC says: A pound to a penny this is Amway.  As Deidre noted in her response, it will in time fizzle out, and she'll run out of people interested enough to participate, whether in joining in with the selling or with buying stuff. It's sad that the response/answer includes the probable failure of the enterprise, though.  Whatever the outcome of this situation, it will most certainly be the case that friends will be rather cool about the intrusion and touting.


Dear Deidre

My boyfriend and I are keen to settle down and start a family.  Everyone says it's too soon but what do they know? [A fucking lot, as it turns out]  I'm 19 and work in a bar.  He's 21 and he's got a good job in a service centre.  I met him at a party on Christmas Eve.  I'm head over heels in love with him and he feels the same about me.  [So far, this is not looking as promising from my point of view as it is from hers]
    I've been with him now for two weeks but I've known him for more than a month.  I'm moving into his flat with him next week.  We texted the other day about having a baby and know our own minds - it's what we both want.  I just need an opinion from someone who doesn't know me.  Am I moving too fast?

TMWSC says: I don't know you, so hopefully my opinion will be useful.  "Get a fucking grip, you daft twat!"  Talk about irresponsible.  Sure, meeting someone and falling in love is one thing, and moving in is not totally OTT - but having a baby?!  It's this sort of action that creates so many of the problems in this country, for the state (benefits etc) and the fathers, and for the poor kids. You'll likely be a single parent, whinging about benefits while the rest of the population whinges about you.  I'm sure it's bad enough becoming pregnant unintentionally, but to do so as rapidly as this is just stupid.  If you are typical of teenagers today, the UK is more fucked than I thought it was.

...

Sunday 27 January 2013

27.1.13 Dancing On Ice - Week 4

Overview / Preview

So, we're a few weeks in and we have the usual mix of romance blossoming (or is that sex in hotels) and comedy triumphing (or is that thick people using smart phones to keep someone in who can't skate or dance?) while the judges argue and score using different criteria.  The only thing we can all truly rely on is that Bleakley will be bleak.

Does anyone think Matt Lapinskas might win?  I only ask this because he's a soap star with a dancing background.  A quick review of past winners might suggest he's at a slight advantage.

2009 - Ray Quinn
2010 - Hayley Tamaddon
2011 - Sam Attawar
2012 - Matt Wolfenden

Yes, all soap stars and ex-soap stars with a dancing background.  I suppose there's always a chance that Samia will keep the 'soap' link going without the 'dancing background' part.  Anyway, the show starts in an hour, so we'll see what happens.

The Show

'School Disco Night' is a bit lame for a theme, and we were served a predictable routine from the contestants who were dressed in uniforms.  I must say there was something creepy and slightly revolting about seeing Anthea dressed as a girl.



After the school stuff, Bleakley managed a wonderful comment when telling us what to look forward to.

"Expect dodgy hairdos, retro photos and fashions that were never in style."  No change there then, Christine - just another normal week for you, eh?

Shayne & Maria

Tony Gubba: "A step sequence with body contractions."

Ashley Roberts: "I'm really excited."

Jason Gardiner: "It ended up being Living La Vida Loca Lock-in Syndrome."

Luke & Jenna

Luke: "At the end of the day it's about skating."

Jenna: "Luke tends to follow his own beat."

Tony Gubba: "A forward plank.  A cheerleader pop."

Robin Cousins: "There were 35,000 rhythms but none of them were in the music that was playing."

Anthea & Andy

Anthea: "I was always in trouble for talking."  [Shut the fuck up then]

Tony Gubba: "The Help Me Please catch."

Anthea: "Do you think Donny liked it?"  [You sad trout]

Anthea was simply manhandled (poor chap) and so was picked up and put down again.

Keith & Olga

Tony Gubba: "The Gremlin from the Kremlin."  [Keith's piss-take about Olga]

Tony Gubba: "The I'll Be There lift.  The Cheggers Lift"

Gareth & Robin

Tony Gubba: "Whipping cartwheels,"

Ashley Roberts: "You're enjoying yourself and having fun; I'm excited for you."

Matt & Brianne

Tony Gubba: "The Towering Inferno lift."

Beth & Dan

Jason Gardiner: "This was an opportunity to show us your fun side but it appears as though you don't have one."

Jason was quite rightly trying to explain why he gave the marks he did, because whilst there was content, there was no 'performance' - the bit that is his main focus.

Joe & Vicky

Ashley Roberts: "Your Arabesque lines looked a little bit like a dog taking a wee."

Samia & Sylvain

Ashley Roberts: "Having fun."  [Not the most original comment, I think you'll agree]

Yet again talk was dominated by the fucking 'headbanger'.  The weird thing is I've never seen anyone bang their head.

The Result / Skate Off

Anthea: "I liked the end bit."  [So did we, when it was over]

Keith wins and we say goodbye/good riddance/good-on-ya-judges.  This woman talks far too much and gushes shit.

...

27.1.13 Weekly TV Guide Continued

I noticed the listing for a film on Channel 5 at 1.00pm on Saturday, as follows:

Patricia Cornwell's At Risk (2010) 15

I thought to myself, "Well do something about it if you're that fussed."  Then my eyes moved to another film, and by altering just one letter, I found I could change the thrust rather significantly.  The new name was:

Pilates of the Caribbean

Changing the 'r' to an 'l' seemed such a minor tweak for such a big effect on the thoughts conjured up by the new name.  I looked through the TV Guide to see what other one-letter changes could result in an improved offering on my small screen.  Here are a few, with the original letter in brackets.

The Good Cock         (o)
Come Dive With Me   (n)
Doctor Why              (o)
Little Fuckers            (o)
Lancing On Ice          (d)
Blog It!                      (f)
Top Rear                   (g)
Open All Fours          (h)
Bargain Cunt             (h)
Bushy and Proud       (p)
Don't Sell The Bride    (t)
The Hovel                  (t)
Cowboy Crap             (t)
Barley and Me           (m)
Rick Stein's A Pain    (s & space)

Toyota Ugly   (c and e) is an easy one for a double change.

...

27.1.13 Weekly TV Guide

Animal Antics

This week's TV Guide contains some more quirks to which I'd like to draw your attention.  Before I do so, I must with some vigour protest about the dire 5.30pm offering by BBC1 in the Saturday schedules.  I sadly caught a few minutes of yesterday's Animal Antics, and was appalled at it.  Funny clips, whether of people or animals, have been around for a very long time.  ITV has long since learned that a studio-based format does not work, and with Harry Hill, the voice-over approach works well.  In fact, even when it's not Harry, any similar show works better without having reference to a presenter on the screen or any sight of a studio.  Why the fuck then do we have to watch Tim Brooke-Taylor and some stupid cunt dressed as a dog called 'Spike' accompanying him?  Also, there's a fucking stupid 'Animal Antics' logo plastered to the screen at the bottom, just to the left, which does nothing but irritate (just like TBT) and obscure the efforts of the animals.  This is gut-twistingly awful television.

Lazy Television from BBC2

The overriding sense of laziness comes from the lack of thought that's gone into the scheduling.  It's not the first time this has been the case, but it's worthy of a mention now.  My issue relates predominantly to Railways and Food - two subjects that have established themselves in no uncertain terms.

Let's start with Food, the fodder (ha!) that keeps the channel going.

Indian Food Made Easy
The Great Comic Relief Bake Off
Great British Menu
Masterchef: The Professionals
Rick Stein's Spain
Masterchef: The professionals - Michel's Classics
The Hairy Bikers' Everyday Gourmets
Rick Stein's Far Eastern Odyssey

What with so many multiple episodes, repeats and BSL versions, it's a cheek! This limited approach to entertainment is followed in another genre as well - that of the railways.  Can someone tell me why there's an obsession with rail travel and associated stuff?

On Monday we have: Great British Railway Journeys followed by Welsh Railways: Full Steam Ahead.  Then, later on, we have Locomotion: Dan Snow's History of Railways.  On Tuesday it's the same again, with the Welsh and Dan being separated by the Great British Menu and The Mary Berry Story.  On Friday, at 7.00pm, Julia Bradbury is about walking again, this time along disused train lines in Railway Walks.  It was a surprise and a blessing to see that the late film (11.50pm) called The Station is not about the fucking railways!

Just to round off, I thought I'd mention BBC2's subtle approach to the introduction of yet more repeats by calling programmes 'classic' or 'vintage'.  I refer to the useless repeats of fucking quiz programmes.

Classic Mastermind - an edition from 2003, showing on Monday afternoon. This is the third in a run of seven consecutive repeats. Tuesday's run of seven repeats includes Vintage Antiques Roadshow, Classic Mastermind and an edition of Weakest Link with no qualification, so maybe it was simply shite. The pattern is repeated in the following days, with the Friday explanation alongside Classic Mastermind - "General knowledge quiz".  Any cunt knows that only half the questions are general knowledge and that the specialised subjects are the thing that marks this quiz out from others!

River Monsters

"Jeremy Wade tries to track down a giant fish thought to inhabit a remote Mongolian river where a violent attack has recently occurred."  Well, let's hope that in Tuesday's 7.30pm episode we see him succeed in finding it, and that we get a re-enactment!

Later on (after a few programmes, including a fucking useless fucking repeat of a celebrity version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire) there's a second helping of River Monsters.  How on earth ITV has the fucking nerve to show a repeat of River Monsters on the same night of a new edition I do not know.

"Kappa visits Japan to explore the legend of a creature called the Jeremy Wade, which is believed to lurk in rivers and has a reputation for being a sinister child-snatching killer."

[Please note that in the above quote from the ITV Guide, there may have been an intentional swap, with the words Jeremy Wade and Kappa being flipped]

...

27.1.13 No Judgement or Justice

It is sadly true that judges in this country show a complete lack of judgement, and that supposed justice is actually no justice at all.  The average man in the street will most often agree that we have in this country lost the plot, and common sense has all but disappeared.  Instead of judges reflecting the will of the people, and implementing laws that were designed by Parliament, there seems to be a never-ending ability for exceptions to be made, for idiocy and for controversy.  The main crutch for these perverse views and judgements is the human rights legislation.  That's not to say that judges are not out of touch generally, and thus quite able to fuck up, but this rubbish about human rights now affords them some sort of excuse (so they say) to be pathetic.

A fanatic who was part of a plot to poison passengers on the London Tube in 2003 has been given bail, even though he has admitted being a threat to the UK.  It seems this Algerian bloke has also provided fake passports to other terrorists.  Mr Justice Mitting has decided not to deport him because doing so would breach his human rights.  What the fuck?  A fear that he just might kill himself is NOT any sort of reason to have any sympathy at all for a bloke who plots to kill others.  This country is completely fucking bonkers.

Elsewhere, a failed asylum seeker cannot be deported, apparently, because he is a member of a persecuted tribe.  The fact that Jumaa Kater Saleh was convicted as part of a gang targeting young girls seems less of an issue.  I suggest that whatever fucking tribe you're a member of in Sudan is irrelevant when you're in the UK, and that being in a gang (tribe?) that abuses a thirteen-year-old girl means you should be fucking dealt with properly.  Some cuntish lawyer wins a claim that this abuser will face "mistreatment" if sent back to Sudan and must therefore stay in the UK to protest his human rights.  This country is completely fucking bonkers.

Then we have the leeches, or the 'lawyers' as they like to be known.  These cunts absolutely love all the grief created by judges and by the human rights legislation.  Some of them will chase after pointless payouts over trivial things, such that the costs incurred are really high, to secure a tiny payout.  This milking of the system is a fucking disgrace.  Anti-war lawyers (otherwise known as 'tank-chasers') are to be found plying their trade in Afghanistan.  It's been reported that a company called Public Interest Lawyers (never has any company been so inappropriately named) has gained £1.45million in revenue through legal challenges for clients, mostly linked to human rights shite.  Of the £2million in total that's been paid out, only £6,000 has actually gone to "people directly affected".  The system is fucked if millions of pounds is channelled to lawyers, all for a net benefit to claimants of just a few grand. This country is completely fucking bonkers.

Finally, we hear of an 18-year-old who has been spared jail after having sex with a 13-year-old girl.  Some sort of weird Muslim teaching was supposedly to blame - views that included a woman being "no more worthy than a lollipop dropped on the ground".  I don't know what's more offensive; the teachings that are so perverse, the excuse for his actions or the sentence that in effect let him off [ 9-months youth custody suspended for two years].  Was Adil Rashid brainwashed?  His cherry-picked defence ignored the fact that the same teachings that suggested to him sex with a 13-year-old is not illegal also stated that sex outside of marriage is illegal.  The judge found him guilty but then dealt a sentence that rather undermined that judgement.  As ever, the efforts of the police and armed forces are devalued by judges.  Again, this country is completely fucking bonkers.

...

Saturday 26 January 2013

26.1.13 Splash! or Splat? The Semi-Final

It's so hard to decide if this show is a hit or a miss.  The format, the hosting, the length of each programme and the comic elements from people who haven't a clue, all combine to make this so fucking awful as prime-time Saturday entertainment that it's almost unmissable.

As with previous posts, I think I will concentrate on logging some of the rather odd quotations.  First, though, I must emphasise to the highest possible level (10 metres?) that Jo Brand has absolutely no business being on my TV screen.  Can't she remain invisible, on some obscure radio show instead? She's not funny, has a stock of jokes that are pretty much of the same ilk, and manages to simply add one point to whatever Andy's score is, because she wants to be popular while knowing fuck all.




Vernon kicked us off with a shite introduction, saying what was lined up, and Gabby took over to complete the waffle with:

" . . and not one serious wardrobe malfunction."

Well, that's the important thing, eg?  Fuck the diving, then.  Anyway, that dress could have been wrapped around the neck a couple of times, for improvement, maybe.  Just speculating.

This was the so-called semi-final.  Now, in my mind, watching a semi-final requires there to be another one as well, so that someone or some people go through to the final from each programme.  It seems that this week's semi-final (after 3 heats) is not going to be followed by three more heats and a semi-final. Instead, the finalists are simply a few of those competing tonight.  This makes no sense.

Vernon: "Good dives from the heats count for absolutely nothing."  

Thanks, Vernon; I could have told you that.  And anyway, there were few dives in any of the heats that could be classed as 'good'.

Linda: "My heart rate is beating like a mad thing."

Thanks, Linda, for being so totally illiterate and displaying the grammar abilities of a peanut.  Heart rates don't beat, and what sort of mad things beat?

Tom Daley proved that he is not above making basic errors in the formulation of useful contributions.

Tom: "They're doing harder dives from higher heights."

Anthony Ogogo (Go!)

The extended 'introduction' included the lame (ha!) update on Ogogo, who was still struggling after his injury last week.  This is the chap whose "dive" was not a dive at all, despite the numerous references to it - "it" being a jump.  Yes, he went into the water feet first, and hurt his foot.  How did this 'Olympian' have the nerve to refer to it himself as a dive?

Ogogogo: "Diving in front of the country was scary."

Just as well he didn't then, eh?  When he said; "I can't even dive now" I instantly though "you couldn't anyway".  So we learned that oGogogogogog [isn't that a railway station in Wales?] was pulling out of the competition and I wondered why he was sitting with the divers, changed and ready.  Seconds later the crowd for some pathetic reason gave a big cheer in recognition of his ability to stand up wearing small trunks, without pike, and feet-fucking-first again!  As for his inane chatter, he made Joey Essex seem almost mute in comparison.

Omid Djalili

He dived from the top board again, this time moving his arms a bit, towards his knees for half a second, before hitting the water.  Some of the input was pathetic; obviously Jo Brand was a waste of a lot of space.

Leon: "You stood there on the end of the board as if you owned it." [WTF?]

Leon: "I believe you've got short arms so you can only touch your knees."

Gabby: "Omid was the first celebrity to break the 10m board of course." [Carelessly or on purpose?]

Tom: "Tonight Omid jumped in the right direction."  [What, downwards?]

With scores of 7, 8 and 7, we moved on.  That was the end of interaction with Omid, for the time being, but in the lead up to the commercial break, Gabby Logan got rather smutty with a taste of what was to come:

"Coming up interior designer Linda Barker."

Linda Barker

The silly dance while disrobing was followed by the review of the week, and she came out with a couple of useful lines:

"The heat was incredible."  [From what, exactly, we were not told]

"My big competition in the Semi will be from the boys."  [Right, luv.  Well considering that at the time of speaking, you were up against one other female and four blokes, this was an earth shattering revelation!]

Jo: "It was a beautiful dive and it was executed beautifully."  [Sadly unlike you, Jo]

With 8, 9 and 8.5, Linda was hyped and chatty as ever, and pleased with 25.5/30.

Jake Canuso

Leon: "I'm so glad that I decided to put you through in the 'Splash Off'." [Leon, ensuring we think the judging is all about him]

Whatever Jo Brand said, trying to be funny about playing water polo and being on a horse was quite simply fucking painful.  Jake scored 27, with a nine from all three judges.  Jo obviously fucked up because in her own world, she needs to score out of 11, so that she can add one point and give a 10 without a dive being perfect.  Gabby Logan then rounded off Jake's segment [no, that's not a euphemism] with a pathetic mention of attire.

Gabby: "Nobody's even mentioned your trunks - that's how good your dive was."  [Twat]

Then, after this shite comment, she was at it again with the smut, with:

"Coming up television presenter Charlotte Jackson."

Charlotte Jackson

Vernon took the lead after the break, waffling about the show upholding the Olympic values of higher, longer, faster, after which Gabby chipped in with:

"Wetter, braver, tighter."

I wondered if she was becoming horny, daring and clenching her cunt muscles, but decided that was unlikely.

Vernon: "Charlotte, we've just seen that you hit a wall this week."

I looked at Charlotte, and I did think her jaw was just a touch squarer than normal, and that there was make up in place that was clearly trying to help her achieve good looks.  It did seem rather cruel of Vernon to pass comment in this way though - certainly not the best chat-up line I've ever heard.

After Charlotte (still sporting a white plaster on her broken toe) fell head first into the water, the announcer announced (blimey, someone in a role who can fulfill it, unlike the fucking ball boy at Swansea!) "Charlotte Jackson can dive".  The trouble was that he spoke in a way that made the 'v' seem rather silent.  After Jo made a pointless utterance, we heard from Leon, who was emulating Gabby with dodgy, smutty input:

Leon: "I really do feel for you."

With a 6, 7 and 6, the 19/30 was a weak score, although not nearly as weak as the useless comment from Gabby, who's clearly been spending too much time with Jo Brand:

Gabby: "If you think Charlotte's drive was toe-tally terrific, then dial . . . blah blah."

Vernon was not a lot better, managing to make himself look dumb as fuck with each of two comments.  He asked Tom in the round-up chat whether the broken toe had "hindered her journey".  Journey!  What the fuck?  Then, when Charlotte arrived to join in, Vernon asked her about the mental block she'd had, regarding being able to dive.  She said she'd managed to overcome it.

Vernon: "I'm still in the middle of mine."  [You said it, you chump!]

Eddie The Eagle Edwards

I started to wonder if Eddie had taken a job as a scaffolder or had turned into a thug, what with all the comments about raising the bar, and:

"You ripped the roof off in your heats."

ETEE scored 29/30.  It should have been more of course, not because the two chaps should have given more than 9.5, but because Jo should have been able to award more than 10.  I don't know about being capped, but she surely should be gagged.  ETEE is a nice bloke who seems genuine and quite humble, yet dedicated and eager.  If there was any room for another 'E', then I think 'Eager' would suit.

Review and Results

Vernon: "Charlotte, you're at the bottom of the leader board; are you worried?"

This dumb-arse question of the day was met with the appropriate answer from Charlotte.

Charlotte: "Well, I'm at the bottom - so yes."

What riveting television and discourse, eh?  This proves Vernon is worth every penny of his fee - if his fee is £7.99.

Gabby is no better, and the excited Linda was interrogated after getting through automatically.

Gabby: "Where can you go with your diving."

Linda was so desperate to maintain excitement, to talk and to be gushing that she completely missed the obvious response of:

"Towards the fucking water, you thick twat."

Jake made it through on the three-way 'Splash Off', and it was at this point I realised that he, Linda and ETEE would be the finalists, and that there would be no more heats and a second semi-final to find three more divers for a final.

...

Thursday 24 January 2013

24.1.13 Contactless Transactions

The world has gone fucking mad.  We are herded around like sheep by institutions and companies, and given ample evidence on a regular basis that this is not a free cunting country - it's a Cuntry.



My latest gripe is about 'Contactless', the system for making payments by doing fuck all other than holding up a plastic card near a sensor.  I was actually quite happy writing cheques, until every fucking retailer in the land decided to ban them as a means of taking money off me.  I was therefore forced to choose either a credit card, a debit card or use that old favourite, cash.  For a fair while, now, I've opted most commonly for the latter.  With this system, I have cash in my pocket and physically hand over whatever is required when I want something.  Fortunately we've moved on from the bartering system, so when I recently had my hair cut by Tony, he took seven pound coins off me.  Not a rabbit, or a promise to fix his fucking guttering, but some fucking coins.  Before I went to the barbers, I checked my pocket and made sure I was leaving the house with some money to pay him.  It all worked out rather well, and I got a 'Number 4'.

I do use a card, usually online, although from time to time, I enter my PIN for a card if I've less than enough cash on me.  The PIN has for a long time been the standard way of making sure it cannot be used by anyone but me.  So, in the scenario of a lost wallet, my card is not much use because there's no PIN to go with it.  I would of course report the card lost, or stolen if appropriate, to ensure I minimised the chance of fraudulent transactions going through - although without a PIN that's hard - and to get a replacement after blocking the lost one.

Now we have Contactless - not a word in the English language, but that doesn't stop the CIC from deciding it is now a term worthy of recognition.  My debit card runs out in February, and in today's post I received a replacement, along with a leaflet explaining the new function.  I read the leaflet, and saw the little symbol on the card to confirm its new powers.  I was not happy at all.  It was time to investigate.

My concern is that I do not want the responsibility of owning a card which in the wrong hands can be used to obtain goods (albeit up to only £20 on any one transaction) without any request for a PIN.  This seems a bizarre step in a world where security is more and more of a worry, fraud is on the increase, and risk is apparently something to be reduced whenever and wherever possible. Further, we are constantly told that CHOICE is the Holy Fucking Grail.  It seems not.  I called the Co-op.  The Co-op is itself a 'contactless' bank, because I have little chance of any real contact, what with there being no branch for 38 miles!  Sarah answered, after two barriers.  I skipped the first one with a quick press of the # button, but had to wait for the next four options to roll out before I could 'hold' for a human; alas, I got Sarah.

Sarah was chirpy enough for 10pm, but dim as fuck when it came to appreciation of my views and any ability to empathise, explain or provide peace of mind.  My first question, after explaining receipt of the new card, was to ask if it is possible to have a debit card that is NOT Contactless.  She said is was NOT possible to have a debit card that is NOT Contactless, and my disappointment was immediate and severe.  I therefore had little choice must to seek peace of mind regarding the outcome should I lose the card and it be used by some cunt in an unauthorised fashion - the only fashion if I've lost it and a cunt is using it!  Dim Sarah was not being obtuse for effect - she was simply dim.  She was struggling with the concept of a card being used by someone who didn't own it.  With some pain to my brain, I was forced to paint her a picture [Edvard Munch sprang to mind] whereby I lost the card, and before I could report it stolen, someone had used it three times and obtained £75 worth of goods.  I wanted to know whether I'd get my £75 back.  "Yes" was her answer, although it came with a caveat made of shite that included waffle involving 'fraudulent', 'reporting stolen' and 'PIN'.  The leaflet that came with the card specifically mentions how a PIN will be asked for from time to time, to improve security.  I translated that in my mind to: "A shop assistant will now and again ask for, or be prompted to ask for, a PIN to provide SOME CUNTING LEVEL OF SECURITY RATHER THAN NONE, so that here and there, the bank can 'stop the rot' if a cunt has got hold of a card."  I did not relay that word for word to Sarah, though.  I think they record these calls.

Sarah tried to tell me that all would be well because of this 'added security' and I suggested to her there was no 'addition', seeing as until now, a PIN was needed for every transaction.  She switched her approach to telling me of the £20 limit, so all would be okay, with such a low level.  I dared to suggest that because my cards are not the centre of my life, it could be a while before I noticed it missing, by which time someone could have cost me £20 . . . . six times!  I also dared to suggest that if the person using my card pretended to have forgotten the number (especially when the card is called 'Contactless') they'd be allowed to proceed, or at least walk away without being collared, because Hilda on checkouts at the local Cunt-op is NOT 'Good With Food', although she certainly IS 'Tetchy With Technology'.

Sarah listened to my suggestion that this was a bizarre approach by a bank in increasing security, reducing risk and helping customers, and she decided that this was her cue to let me know there is no evidence that fraudsters are targeting Contactless cards.  I considered that it will only be a matter of time before the CIC realise there's a loophole being exploited by criminals, but decided against arguing on this point with Sarah, who was struggling (mentally) with this conversation and the concept that everything would not simply work out fine all the time.  I finished by extracting one more affirmation that use of the card not by me before I report it lost or stolen will lead to reimbursement. After confirming this, she went back to breathing every five seconds, swimming around her bowl, and ignoring the trail of shit floating from her arse.

I logged on to the Co-op Bank's website.  At first glance I saw nothing to help me regarding Contactless, but the 'search' feature seemed a good starting point.  I entered 'Contactless Cards' and was presented with (in the style of Google) a query that said: "Did you actually mean Compactness cards?"  No, I fucking didn't!  I finally found what I needed - well, the section, anyway.  Talk about side-stepping the fucking question.  First up, on the FAQs:

Q: "Can I opt out of having Contactless?"

A: The Contactless payment option will be introduced on most of our card numbers over the next two years.  Contactless offers you a new way to pay although you will continue to have the option to pay using your PIN."

You thick twats - it's not me I am worried about; I want you not to give ME the option to use my own fucking card with a PIN if I'd like that, but to MAKE everyone use a PIN for security.  Seeing as you won't do that, I want a NonContactless card, please! Does that make it a Contact card?  If that's what I've got (that is valid for five more weeks) then yes!  Having a section for FAQs, and completely failing to answer the very first question, a closed question at that, is obscene.  Elsewhere, I noted that reimbursement would be forthcoming as long as I am not "negligent".  There is no definition of this, so I assume that if I accidentally leave my wallet on the back seat of a taxi because it falls out of my jacket pocket, I've been negligent in not looking after it properly.

I remain unconvinced, and wishing that the Co-op was Cuntless.

[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]



Wednesday 23 January 2013

23.1.13 Illiteracy

Radio Knob / Nob

On the radio today, a twat talking about diets and food intake was waffling (great pun, eh?) about the size of portions, and generally being a know-it-all.  Sadly he couldn't speak the language correctly though.  He talked about the amount of calories and I wished I could top up his intake with a lean fist.

The AMOUNT of food, and the NUMBER of calories!  You wouldn't say "the number of food", so why say "the amount of calories" then?  I switched stations.


To The Rescue

Two chaps from Dundee were apparently saved by the RNLI.  In a tribute, and to record the episode, they both had a tattoo done.



I am pleased for them that they were plucked from icy water and lived to tell the tale.  However, I'd be rather more impressed with their tattoo if they hadn't both failed to request the 'full stop' after the last letter of the abbreviation.  The tattoo should quite clearly have followed a single convention, with RNLI (no punctuation/registering of abbreviation) or R.N.L.I. (to give proper recognition, letter by letter).  Luckily for them, there is space enough to put things right, grammatically.  Sadly, the shit about 'jelly tots' is there to stay!


Size of the Job

Would you ask for a quote from (let alone get any work done by) a small company with a sign-written van, exclaiming:

"No Job To Small"

Nor would I.

...

23.1.13 Overexposure Top Ten

There are celebrities who seem to get far too much coverage, and something needs to be done about it.  Here's this week's top ten.

1   Rihanna
2   Harry Styles
3   Emeli Sande
4   Katie Price
5   Kimberley Walsh
6   Taylor Swift
7   Rita Ora
8   Tulisa Contostavlos
9   Kelly Brook
10 Cheryl Cole

...

23.1.13 Morrisons Madness

What a Sauce!

I have discovered what I believe to be proof of profiteering by Morrisons, after seeing an item for sale at a ludicrously high price.



This is on sale for £1.59.  You may or may not think that is outrageous.  You will think it's fucking outrageous when I tell you that the very same bottle is available to buy in B&M Stores, for the rather reasonable price of 39p.  I bought three bottles last week, as there was an offer of 3 for £1.  Let's consider the mark-up here.

First, we must assume that B&M is not selling the product at a loss, and the lowest unit price is for the offer, so 33.3p. That means that at the very (and I mean fucking very) least, the margin will be a few pence, so it's quite safe to assume a cost price of 30p - the most generous figure I can possible sanction for this comparison.  Morrisons is therefore selling at a rate that gives it a profit margin of over 81%.  Or to put it another way, the mark-up is 430%.  Just in case you suspect some sort of allowable difference because of B&M selling stock with a reduced shelf life, the ones in my cupboard have the same May 2013 'best before' date as the one in Morrisons.

Two further comments, or perhaps I should say, tips for the retailer:

1) Two members of staff pissing about restocking the sweets available by the checkout (which no one in their right mind buys, because a four-pack is not much more expensive in aisle 6 than the 69 fucking pence they want for a Bounty by the conveyor belt) is madness when there are queues.  Standing for ages waiting to get out of the cunting place is not a relaxing thing when one is willing one of the cunts to park her cunt on a cunting swivel chair behind the till on the other side of the fucking sweets display.  Alas, lining up a dozen Flakes is deemed rather more important than taking £87 off me!

2) Which twat decided that the mushrooms were better positioned away from all related items, off to the other side of the massive section for fruit and veg, next to the fish counter?

...

Tuesday 22 January 2013

22.1.13 Left Speechless



Anyone in the UK will appreciate that we've had a bit of snow in the last few days, and because we are so ill-prepared for it, there's general mayhem for all. Schools are closed, some people either cannot get into work or are 'working from home'.  Airports are affected, and the general advice has been to travel only if you need to, and allow extra time.  Against this backdrop, I received a text message from Mrs MWSC Senior.  Yes, my mother decided to text at 10.37pm last night, the first form of contact for about two weeks.

Mum:  "R u snowed in?"

Me:     "Not too bad, though I haven't been out since Wednesday last week as no appointments. Due in Leeds Wednesday this week - hope okay by then, what about u?

Mum:  "Not 2 bad. Just seen TV prog. About jaguars. Super."

Now, if that isn't fucking random and odd, I do not know what is!

...

Monday 21 January 2013

21.1.13 Monday News Update & Comment

Wastes of Space

Will the culprits in the media please put a stop to the shite that appears in newspapers with immediate effect.  I call for the complete cessation of frivolous and lightweight bollocks masquerading as 'journalism', that leads to shit being shovelled our way, and so-called 'news' associated with:

A: Katie Price
B: Rihanna
C: Kelly Brook
D: Tamara Ecclestone

Page Three Idiots

Today's Sun newspaper has the usual daft pose by someone with little to offer, and the accompanying hilarious quote by the 'model'.  Obviously it's a complete fabrication, because these comments by the models are no more believable than an MP suggesting his or her expenses claims are not a complete piss-take.  Here is what Courtnie [I am not making it up; that's how she spells it] had to say:

"I think it makes real sense to let A-Level students learn practical skills to stop them dropping out.  I am reminded of the words of poet William Butler Yeats who once wisely observed, 'Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire'".

Does anyone think she was thus reminded?  No fucking chance!  As for "practical skills to stop them dropping out", I've heard that putting a bra on can help!  By the way, her surname is Quinlan, if you're interested - a fact that's easily established by a quick 'Google'.  Strangely though there is some discrepancy.  We are given very little information in the newspaper about the models, but their name, age and where they come from is the standard offering.  Today's paper says she is 20 years old, although the internet details of The Sun state she is 21 [as of 3.56pm on 20th September 2012] ??

Ashley Cole

Worth £200,000 per week?  Role model for young people?  Honourable and charming?  Lovely chap?  Well behaved?  A pleasure to watch?  Full of integrity?  If you've answer 'No' x7 then you've done little more than confirm the fucking obvious.

Alex Ferguson

Some have described his actions as those of a bully, and a grumpy cunt who seems to think he is above everyone else.  I, on the other hand, would be far less generous in any assessment.

Labour

Yes, this present government is spineless, and the coalition is clearly not working.  Nevertheless, can we please have a little bit of a reality check when it comes to cuntish claims by Labour to be the better option for Britain's future. There are moaners everywhere, regarding the ludicrous benefits system, and how it's now the case that hundreds of thousands of people are either better off claiming benefits, or prefer doing fuck all, or in fact both.  The credit for this must be attributed to Labour for its sterling work in making sure the country was fucked over, and a benefits culture was able to thrive.  Can we also give the 'credit' to Labour for opening the doors, the ports, the terminals, the floodgates and anything else that was previously locked or monitored, so that as many (Labour voting) migrants were allowed in, and encouraged to set off from wherever the fuck to come here.

The end result has been the double whammy of an increase in the population, an increase in benefits, and extra strain because of claiming migrants.  Then we are left with incapacitated loafers who like claiming benefits while moaning about foreigners.  Talk about handing out excuses to lazy cunts.  So, the only people who want to work for low wages are foreigners, and the benefits bill soars.  Yesterday and today I read about foreigners who are claiming benefits. It's not their fault; if we are stupid enough to allow people to come here, work a bit for minimum wage, and then join in with the lazy cunts, to claim benefits as well, then more fool the UK.  This country is fucking screwed.  Labour managed to fuck up immigration, benefits and the future prosperity of the country, and now it has the fucking nerve to try and claim it could run the country better.  Fucked, I tell you; we're fucked.

Names

What's with silly names these days?  I've already mentioned 'Courtnie' above, but I have seen a story about two squabbling people going by names that are not even odd spellings of a well known name.  Jenelle Evans was tweeting her grievances about boyfriend Courtland Rogers.  What with Ryland from X-Factor, and Nichelle (the name of a girl I saw a week ago in a paper, and thought was a misprint) there seems to be an obsession with made-up stuff. Janiece is another enigma.  Hey, there's a good name - Enigma; what do you think?

...

Sunday 20 January 2013

20.1.13 Dancing On Ice - Week 3

I am sorry to say that I was less than enthralled with tonight's effort.  The ten contestants were paired off, so that there were five 'duels'.  This format meant there was manipulation of the end result by the programme controllers.



It went wrong from the outset, what with Shayne Ward being introduced as a "Pop Star", and Christine Bleakley looking remarkably similar to a flexible plumbing connector.  As soon as she explained the format and quipped, "The duel can be very cruel" I knew the show would be dire - and it was.

Gareth Thomas and Matt were instantly recognisable as characters in Brokeback Mountain, and Tony Gubba was given licence to mutter something about a "Saloon Bar Spin" in his summary, along with "Circling the Wagon Train".

I read in the paper that the producers had asked Jason and Ashley to get back to the UK asap, what with the weather affecting planes.  Ashley rushed back from LA to ensure she appeared on tonight's show, although she may as well not have bothered.  Her comment on the two blokes of the performance being "So fun" highlighted her pointless contributions.

The boxer (Luke) talked nonsense in the preamble to his duel with Samia, who'd struggled with injuries during the week.  Luke was hardly eloquent or informative with his observation: "Because it's a duel, we both need to do it together."  Thanks, Luke, you nob.

The comments afterwards were funny.  I don't mean Gubba and his "Spirit of Ecstasy Lift" nonsense, but the onslaught from Jason, with "It was Olympically bad" and "You were dead in the face", directed at Luke.  This was rather worse than his subsequent advice to Beth Tweddle: "You should be sick more often" following her improved performance over last time's effort, after a bout of illness in the week.

Oona Paloma Blanca smiled weirdly as usual, so was well matched with Tweddle.  Shane moved so slowly I thought he'd take route.  Anthea escaped the public vote by luck, but rest assured that the public will soon get a chance to confirm Anthea is not well liked.

The two laughable efforts at the end, from Joe Pasquale and Keith Chegwin, were amusing but at the same time annoying.  As Jason later said to Joe, "You have the presentation and moves of Homer Simpson."  Christine Bleakness was less useful, although remarkable astute, when she commented: "I loved that, but what do I know?"  This is not the competition question, because it's too fucking easy to answer!

So, the public had a choice of five, and the dance-off was between Oona and Gareth - meaning that both were deemed worse than Joe Pasquale.  Whilst he is quite funny, there is no place in a dancing and skating competition for someone who cannot dance and cannot skate.  I fear that I may have to boycott DOI for a few weeks, to allow the pointless contenders to make their exits.  A bit of drama at the end nearly brought some excitement to the show, and the possibility of no conclusion being possible was floating in the air for a minute or so.  However, with a dislocated shoulder attended to (and 'popped back in') Oh No/Uno/Oona was able to skate much better than Joe, Keith, Anthea and Shane, yet go home.

...

20.1.13 TV Picks of the Week

As I do most weeks, I scanned the TV guide yesterday, to see what delights are looming over the week for viewers of terrestrial television.  Having watched and posted about the peculiar Splash! that takes up 90 minutes of prime time Saturday television, I need not include a comment now.

I managed to avoid all but a few minutes of the horrendous Take Me Out which followed, and nabbed 75 minutes out of the peak-time schedule, treating viewers to mind numbing shite from Paddy McGuinness.  Why this bloke is in favour I've no fucking idea.  As for the antics of the participants on the dire show, I can only summarise by confirming a complete lack of decorum by all, let alone talent or any notions regarding standards of behaviour.  As for Paddy, why the hell does everything have to rhyme?  How about a new one - "Let the bloke out front, see the cunt"?

Before we leave Paddy and Take Me Out, I should draw to your attention his other TV effort that's currently airing on Channel 4.  Yes, I was fortunate enough to miss it myself, but some may have noticed a listing for Paddy's TV Guide at 10pm on Friday night.  The rather flawed write-up was as follows:

"Paddy takes a comic look at the world of television, searching the archives to highlight the good and bad as well as airing clips of rarely seen shows from the past and present."

Well, as far as the 'bad' goes, he need not waste too much time in the archives, as he could concentrate his efforts a bit nearer to home.  I'd applaud some honesty, should he decide to air clips from Take Me Out to illustrate dire television. As for taking a 'comic look', that'll be difficult seeing as he's simply NOT funny.



Sunday

Perhaps the programme with the most promising title and description was scheduled for 9.15am on BBC2.  At the risk of sounding like Michael Portillo and his constant references to his Bradshaw's Guide, my TV Guide confirmed the following:

9.15  A to Z of TV Gardening  Carol Kirkwood's journey through the world of TV gardening reaches the letter C.

I think we all know what that stands for, and there are lots of them about.  The rest of Sunday was anticlimactic, apart from the skating that's on later.

Mon-Thu BBC2  The Great Comic Relief Bake Off

My problem with this programme is the so-called celebrities dragged into the baking.  Comic Relief, as the fucking name suggests, is linked to comedy. Why then have we got participation from Stephen K Amos (the most unfunny man the BBC keeps touting) and the Watson & Oliver duo - 'weak' at best?  As for Jo Brand, I suppose she'll be at home around cakes, but sadly all she uses for material (based on academic research of her performances over the last decade) is jokes about cakes, chocolate, and obesity.  Sadly she did not submerge and stay there on yesterday's edition of Splash!  

Further amazement must surely come from the inclusion of Duncan Bannatyne!  What the fuck has he got to do with ANYTHING!  He was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire a couple of weeks ago and was pathetic - I think he knew the answer to just one question.  He was uncuntinqualified to be on that show because he is already a millionaire, and he is most certainly uncuntinqualified to be on this baking show - not because he cannot cook, or because he's not really a celebrity (just well off) but because he is NOT IN ANY FUCKING WAY 'FUNNY'.  What bollocks!  With perhaps less vehemence I will add that Claudia Winkleman ought to be elsewhere, along with explorer Simon Reeve and the token Blue Peter presenter.  The obligatory 'Olympian' participation is by Helen Glover (who rowed a boat) as well as Ellie Simmonds for the Paralympians.  Just for the record, the other non-funny participants are Kirsty Wark (who ought to be reading the news in a nasal tone) Martha Kearney (who should be on the radio) Julia Bradbury (who should be off walking somewhere).  The only other non-funny person in the line up is Bob Mortimer.

All Week BBC2  Bowls

My TV Guide includes entries for 'Bowls' and 'Live Bowls' and the informative detail of the event: "The World Indoor Championships from the 'Potters Leisure Resort' in Norfolk."  Sounds riveting.

Monday Night Double Bill

9.00pm  Channel 4: Embarrassing Fat Bodies  Digestive disorders and toilet habits.

10.00pm Channel 5: Botched Up Bodies  A woman left with 10lb of excess skin after losing 15st.

That's a line up to whet your appetites, eh?

Tuesday - ITV 10.35pm  River Monsters

"Jeremy Wade visits the Parana River in Argentina to search for the 'river dog', a deadly creature armed with a razor-sharp blade tipped with tissue-destroying venom."  Let's all keep out fingers crossed, then, that he finds one - an irate one would be nice.

Wednesday - Channel 4 8.00pm  Gok's Style Secrets

As ever, he is pissing about with woman (sometimes mauling them, but it's okay - apparently - because he's gay) and telling them they ought to have confidence, even if they are ugly or overweight or both.  Does anyone know why he does nothing (style-wise) with men?  This programme is not technically a repeat, but in real terms, it's the same old tosh as he puts out every time.  NB There will doubtless be some 'recaps' and 'summarising', before and after each break, and nothing will be learnt by humanity about anything at all.

The rest of the week is just bland.  As a result, I have looked to see what programmes might be improved if they were renamed, through losing just one letter.  See if you can recognise the original programmes, and see how the revised name might provide a better basis for entertainment.

Cuntdown
Lose Women
Come Die With Me
Fur in a Bed
Rude Tub
This Wee
Celebrity Big Bother
Live Owls
Face the Cock

The missing letters, in order, are of course O O N O E K R B L.

Until next week, I'll leave you with a final pair of questions:

"What the fuck is Tim Brook-Taylor doing hosting a show (Animal Antics) on Saturdays?"
"What the fuck is Tim Brook-Taylor doing on television?"

...

Saturday 19 January 2013

19.1.13 Splash! Drippy Rubbish!



Another portion of this dire format was served up by Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan this evening.  As ever, some of the one-liners were excellent at exemplifying just how awful the programme is.  This week's effort was more of the same.

Gabby: "What a competition it's been."  Hmmm . . I am not quite sure how to respond to that one, but I suppose I cannot argue with that simple statement.

Gabby: "Charlotte - the only girl through - good on ya."  Yes, I recall now how the atrocious judging that basically manipulated the second place qualifier last week so that Charlotte was put through instead of the TOWIE tit.  For some weird reason, there's a certain view that this is all about male versus female, or as is too commonly expressed, "Girls versus Boys" when there isn't a fucking girl or boy in sight, just older versions.

Tom: "When you stand on the end of the board it's one of the most lonely experiences of your life.  It's just you and the board."  Thanks for that, Tom.

Gabby: "What are the judges looking for in this competition?"  Thanks, Gabby, for this shit question, allowing the same old shit to be trotted out about difficulty, movement through the air, entry into the - yes, you've guessed it - water.

Linda Barker

Linda: "That is obviously ten metres then."  Linda Barker did herself proud with this comment, while pointing at the 10m board, which is rather high, as we've previously learned, and of course we've learned that "you can't go higher" from numerous twats.  Linda was not in need of any microphone because as ever, she was able to project her voice (via the Suez Canal) to listeners in Malaysia!

Andy: "It would be fantastic to have another girl in there."  Fuck off with this girl shit, and supposed male v female bollocks/labia.  But, no, on he went.

Leon: "If you wanted to beat the boys tonight, they're going to have to come out all guns blazing."  This is complete gibberish, and as far away from a sensible sentence in the English language as Leon could get.

Vernon: "Twenty-five-and-a-half; good for the girls, then."  Arrrgh!

Gabby: "A barrel of superlative to choose from."  Arrrgh!  Arrrgh!  Arrrgh! Morons!

Dom Joly

Gabby: "You look like a prisoner; have you captured the judges' hearts?" Yawn.

Donna Air

Over-rotation / brave / lines / potential / brave / Freya / blah.  17/30.

Vernon: "If you want to give Donna more air time . . . vote . .blah blah"

Tina Malone

Dom: "Tina Malone - drops like a stone."  Funny, Mr Joly; funnier than fucking Vernon!

Tina: "I'm gonna give it as good as I can."  Heaven help us all.

Gabby: "You did a lot of gymnastics as a girl and you could see that with your legs which were beautifully together."  I want to be sick; what complete shite, and it's a pitty that Tina's lips were not as 'beautifully together' as her bloody legs.

Andy: "You had great body tension."  What?!?! Twat!

Leon: "It doesn't get any easier than that but the journey you've been on . . . blah blah . . . what a performer."  This, about a woman who we apparently "know best as an actress playing Mimi in Shameless", although I'm pleased to admit I've never clocked her before.  To claim she's been on a fucking journey after a dive from three metres - I say 'dive' but mean falling in, in the style of Helen Lederer - is madness.

Tina: "If I go through, I'll do five." (ie. dive from 5 metres)  At this point, I confirmed to anyone who could hear me:

TMWSC: "If she goes through, I'll eat my cunting hat!"

Tom: "That's the best one I've seen her do."  This, about a dive that scored 13/30, even with Jo Brand being her pathetic self, and giving everyone more marks than could be justified.

In the closing moments of Tina's shameless performance, whereby she would not shut the fuck up, I decided I'd like no to see her again.

Anthony Ogogo

Anthony: "You probably best know me as a boxer from the Olympic Games, where I got a Bronze medal."  Actually, Anthony (is it?) I didn't know you in any capacity at all let alone choose the 'best' option of boxing, and now that you bring up the (yawn) Olympics again, I can't say I'd have been able to place you at all.  Thanks for clarifying boxing and bronze, as I'd never have guessed.

Gabby: "Wake me up before I go go."  Wanker.  Please be advised (and pass it on to Vernon in the break) that neither of you is fucking funny at all, so steer clear of lame efforts at comedy.  As for waking you up, I'd prefer an approach involving a pillow and the verb 'To Smother'.

Gabby announced, after a pointless chat on the board, that Anthony (pronounced as Ansony by someone with a lisp) was going to "dive off this board".  We then watched him . . . . jump???

That's right, he did a jump!  Okay, he fell off the board slowly, backwards so he turned once in the air, but he still went in feet fuckin' first.  There were numerous references to a 'dive' but I never saw one.  Only Leon was prepared to say it how it was - that Ogogo had 'wimped out' by going in feet first.  As for the other two judges using the word 'brave' to describe his efforts, I beg to differ.  22/30

Vernon: "If you thought Anthony's dive (???) was a knockout, then dial . . . blah blah."

Review

So, we needed a round up and heard from Linda, with: "It's a tough, tough journey."  Oh, right.  Vernon was able to help us understand that Linda is female.  "Hopefully you'll represent the ladies in the semis."  Idiot, Vernon. Ogogo: "I've hurt my foot."  Vernon: "But are you pleased with your dive?"  The correct (but unspoken) answer would have been - "I didn't cunting dive you twat, I just jumped in.

Andy: "We're looking at pushing boundaries."  Yawn.
Gabby: "Jo, in the battle of the sexes, who's cracked it?"  A better question might have been:

A: "Jo, what the fuck are you doing here?"
B: "Jo, are you here for the crack?"
C: "Jo, in the battle of the sexes, who's crack are you looking at?"

Leon: "I'd like to see him (Anthony) go in hands first; this is a diving competition."  Well said.

Result

What a fucking fucking fucking cunting farce.  Ogogogog got through immediately, after the public vote lifted him to first place.  Yes, the jumper won the diving heat.  Donna and Dom then were announced as going home.  So, unbefuckinglievably, Tina Malone (drops like a stone) was threatening to make me eat my hat!

Seriously, though, there was never a chance of her going through in the most pointless 'Splash Off' there could ever be.  Who are these morons with phones who decided that a flat dive from 3 metres by Tina, which scored 13/30, was somehow on a par with Linda's effort which was from 7.5 metres and scored 22.5/30.

At the end, the noise levels were agonising, as "girl Power" outdid anything that Duracell could have devised.  Tina just would not shut up, Linda scared off pigeons on the roof at Luton as well as seagulls from the dockside in Grimsby, while Gabby gabbled like a giddy girl on speed.  Shame no one could fill the pool with concrete and effect three nudges.

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19.1.13 The UK Is Screwed

This is hardly news, because I've been relaying this for so long now.  However, the supporting evidence continues to stream via the various media.  Today's newspaper contains a few details that further confirm the fate of the UK.

The taxpayer is owed more than £140million by criminals who have been kicked out of the country, died or cannot be found.  So, court fines and compensation orders don't work and courts can't manage anything effectively.  We deport people (only a few, mind) who owe a fortune.  This element is just a small part of an overall figure of £1.8billion in uncollected court fines and compensation orders.  Most of this will end up being written off, which confirms that the system is a fucking joke, penalties for wrongdoing are pointless, and that the country is completely screwed.

Meanwhile, I learn that there are 91,032 criminals who have been convicted of serious offences and have at least ten previous convictions, but who have NOT been jailed!  So much for cunting tough action by the Government, then!

This country is a fucking disaster on so very many levels now.

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19.1.13 News Snippets

Beatrice & Eugenie

In the paper yesterday I saw a photo of the two women in the front seats of a Mini.  The wording alongside this pointless and un-newsworthy story was quite clearly worse than inaccurate, it was a lie.

"Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie fly the flag for Britain in their first joint overseas mission. [NB: you're quite right, they're hardly Charlie's Angels!]  The royal sisters travelled to Germany to promote Britain as part of the Great Campaign, a global drive to attract visitors, business and students to the UK.  They drew admiring looks from Germans, as they took the Union Jack-branded Mini to the British Embassy in Berlin."

Apart from the misuse of 'Union Jack', it is without doubt NOT the case that the two women got the admiring looks; any looks of this sort could only have been directed at the Mini.  I hate it when journalists 'creep' to the royals unnecessarily, especially when it's these two free-loaders and their dad. excuse me, but surely they should get a fucking proper job, not piss about supposedly promoting Britain, and following in the footsteps of their father whose own efforts are a waste of taxpayers' money.  Going to Germany to sit in a car produced by a German-owned company promotes fuck all except Germany.  Still, the royal family is in fact German, so perhaps it all makes sense on some perverse level (?)

Ryan Giggs

There was also a small feature showing two photos of a fan posing with Ryan Giggs - one in 1993 and one this week.  So, two decades later, he is pictured with his hero.  The quote from the fan sums up things rather nicely.  One of them has had a normal and productive life, while one has played at it while shagging around.

"What he's done is unbelievable.  I've grown up, got married and have a son - and he is still playing."

It's such a good quote from the fan, and highlights how Giggs has not quite grown up.  Sadly there was no more detail about any happy marriage, a sister-in-law, money, or more about unbelievable events.

Taking The Piss

Majid Hussain, 62, arrived in the UK from Iraq in 1986, since when he's not worked a day.  He came to study.  In court he has denied dishonesty, after not declaring savings of £36,000 whilst claiming £35,000 in benefits.  He seems to think he was obeying the Koran.  He claims the cash was left to him by his father for spending on his kids, and that "The Koran commands you to honour your parents.  I had no right to the money".  I suggest that nowhere in the Koran does it command followers to lie about circumstances, cheat the government (and taxpayers) out of money, and endorse fraud.  As an aside, it's fucking disgusting that he came to the UK aged 35 and has never worked, let alone claimed benefits to which he was not entitled.

One Cunt Complaint

We are now living in a world where a complaint from the minority will override the will of any majority.  In fact, the complaint of a single person can lead to all sorts of consequences and costs.  One cunt complained recently that a TV advert was "irresponsible" for showing a Cabbage Patch Kids doll with its pants down a bit, revealing a "tattoo or writing".  These were marks to confirm authenticity, said the makers, and prevent fakes.  The Advertising Standards Authority ruled there was no breach of standards.  This country is fucked; one twat moans about a trivial matter, and suddenly there's all sorts of action taken.  Elsewhere, you'll find that if you're burgled the police don't give a fuck, let alone turn up, that there is no real freedom of speech in the UK.  There is a general fear of upsetting any cunt at all, and pussy-footing around any subject that required either common sense, strong action, or a proper defence of standards and rights.  The fear is ruining everything.

Groping Doctor

A 33-year-old woman had some swelling in her lower leg after being stung by a wasp, and went to see 55-year-old Dr Sharma.  He allegedly made sexual comments before putting her through an unnecessary examination "on all fours with her bottom in the air".  The jury will have to decide if the doctor is guilty or not.  I must contribute my own thoughts: if he did put her through such an examination, why the fuck did she comply?  The woman's allegations mean that we are expected to completely ignore her own stupidity in acting as directed.  I notice as well that the doctor is named, but that as ever, the accuser is granted anonymity.

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19.1.13 The Co-operative Update

Yesterday's brief visit turned into a longer-than-expected one.  As ever, there was disparity between the checkout capacity and the checkout required capacity.  The fifteen or so people milling about in the two queues were 'entertained' by the clinking of bottles, as some cunt was arranging and/or restocking the wine rather than serve.  Obviously when the country is in shutdown, what with a small snowfall, there's a massive demand for wine!  It was the shelves on the other side that were almost empty, where bread used to overflow, and the vegetable area where just a dozen bags of spuds made up the total offering to customers.

One of the two spare tills was stoked up after a few minutes, and as wine sales plummeted, the relief checkout operator brought relief to some shoppers (including me) who were about to spontaneously combust.  My purchases were just milk, a few items from the freezer cabinet and a newspaper.  The simple transaction was fucked up though by an error which I discovered at night when I was clearing out my pockets and about to throw away receipts. The Co-op one showed two packets of fish fingers when I'd bought just one.  I would have to raise the matter on my next visit.

This morning, I bought my newspapers and secured a refund.  Obviously I had to walk from the till to the arse end of the shop to retrieve a box of fish fingers, bring them to the till for scanning, and then return the box to the freezer as part of the do-it-your-fuckin-self approach to getting your own money back.



An hour ago, I thought I might eat one of the Co-op 'Truly Irresistible' yoghurts that were sitting in the fridge.  I had expected them to be strawberry flavour, as usual.  I peeled the top off and put a spoonful in my mouth, one second before spitting the contents of my mouth into the empty smaller sink in the kitchen. Through my confusion I established that the creamy off-white stuff with bits in it, in the circular pot, was actually "Chocolate and Coconut".  Now, I do like a Bounty bar occasionally, but this foul mess in a pot was fucking discuntinggusting.  I relayed this useful information to Mrs MWSC on the off chance that she'll in future not invite anything of the sort over the threshold again.

While I am on a roll, I'd like to turn my attention to the supposedly truly irresistible "White Farmhouse Batch Loaf" that is sold at a ludicrous price. Let's ignore the doughy slabs of inedible stuff, and instead turn to the packaging.  The wrapper is littered with information and before ever finding out anything useful, I was availed of information that would allow me to excavate the inside of a duck's arse without fear of the unknown!  The thing that particularly caught my eye was the suggestion for 'healthy eating'.  While advocating that I ought to try and eat wholegrain, brown or high fibre versions, the message also said "and don't peel potatoes, just scrub them".  What the fuck?  Why did it not go one step further and say "by the way, cakes make you fat, and avoid burger vans at night" if there's some sort of weird mission to provide general advice?

The 'Disposal' section was odd: "Recycle with carrier bags at larger stores - Not at kerbside".  No, I will NOT be taking my bread bag to a larger store and trying to recycle it along with used carrier bags, nor will I be doing anything at the kerbside with it.  The bag will in fact remain of use as it will still be holding half of the fucking contents which proved inedible, and keeping them together in my own bin!

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Friday 18 January 2013

18.1.13 Walnuts, Wales & Belgium

It would seem that the universally acknowledged units of measurement are in fact a weird collection of random things.

Raft

This means 'a lot'.  The term is used irrespective of the type of goods or items being discussed and whether they need a means of conveyance that caters for crossing water.  So, for example: "We have introduced a raft of measures to tackle crime."  The end result is of course that the culprit spewing this nonsense is dim and probably ignorant of the bollocks being spoken.

Wales

The principality is most often mentioned to demonstrate the size of something else, with a comparison to help thick people who would not otherwise be able to take in facts and figures.  For example: "The Amazon rain forest is disappearing at an alarming rate; every week we are losing an area the size of Wales."

Belgium

This is another unit of measurement, but more flexible.  Belgium tends to be used as a benchmark for all sorts of things, ranging from area, population and chocolate and anything deemed uninteresting.  Belgians themselves are often mentioned if blandness is called for - in much the same way as Germans are specified when there's a lack of humour.

Half a Yard

This is now set to replace the metric system, and its most common usage is related to sport, and most particularly to football.  No attacking player can score a goal without first "making half a yard for himself".  Commentary is frequently littered with players "grabbing half a yard" or, when unsuccessful in any attempt on goal, being offside by "half a yard".  The greatest advocate of this unit of measurement is of course Andy Townsend.

Walnuts

Historically, it's been brain size that has brought the walnut into common usage.  For example: "The stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut."  I am not sure that walnuts provide such a good benchmark these days.  I cannot say with any confidence what the volume of a walnut actually is, having not seen one for years.

Cooking Measures

No fucker over the age of fifteen even knows what half the measurements in cooking are.  "Add 75g of flour" becomes a nightmare; 75 millilitres of coconut milk is simply a nuisance.  A cupful of oats?  What size cuntin' cup?  As for a Tablespoon - no one uses tablespoons anymore!  "Cook at 175 degrees Fahrenheit for 17-20 minutes on the top shelf of a fan-assisted oven, turning occasionally, without using a baking tray" is the first half of an impossible maths question that asks the equivalent cooking time, if the temperature is 'Mark 5', the middle shelf is used instead, and there is no turning at all in a gas oven with no fucking fan to assist anything!

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Thursday 17 January 2013

17.1.13 Embarrassing Fat Bodies

I watched this overly long programme on Channel 4 yesterday, and was amazed at the state some people get into.  By far and away the most gruesome case was that of Patience, who was certainly well name because you'd need patience to deal with her.  At 36 stone, she was huge, and maintained this size through here rigorous adherence to a regime that involved doing nothing except watching TV and eating.  Her four-and-a-half stone hernia was complemented [I use this word with a touch of sarcasm] by a further massive bulge below the hernia, caused by growth in fat cells to in effect be a benign tumour.  She never stands for more than 10 minutes, and has had three gastric balloons that have not been effective.

The effort now needed to deal with her is phenomenal.  A team of carers and medical staff will have to treat her, and before any attempt at surgery, she'll be on a strict diet and in hospital on 'lock down' for three months.  I am disgusted that one person can demand so much attention.  Yes it is sad that she's in this condition, but years of watching TV and eating excessively should not be my problem.  I rather thought my taxes might be spent more wisely.  As the 36-stone blancmange spoke to Dr Christian, he explained she'd be on soup and shakes for three months before any other steps could be considered.  He gave her a sample shake, which included some ice, as he left the room.  Patience tried it, and mumbled to the camera: "I don't like the milk."  Unbe-fuckin-lievable!

Elsewhere, on multiple occasions, we saw a 33-stone woman drop to 27-stone over six months.  The flicking around and recapping that's involved in watching most Channel 4 programmes of this type is quite frankly annoying as fuck.  The four clips of this particular fatty included the initial 'setting the scene' segment where she was asked by the Doctor to "pop on to the scales".  Sorry, if you're 33-stone, you do not 'pop' anywhere!  At least this woman managed to take seriously the task of losing weight, and so redirected the seriousness and dedication that was previously directed at eating bucket loads of crisps and spending all of her time in a chair, including being on an office chair with wheels, when in the kitchen.

The one called Petra has spots and lesions, particularly on the inside of her thighs, causing pain and major soreness.  According to the voice over, "Petra's tried a rash of remedies."  Is that bad taste or what!

A nice chap who'd lost a lot of weight - I can't even remember how much, but it could have been 15 to 25 stone - was left with rolls of skin that he wanted to get rid of.  So I watched as it was all cut away; I think it weighed over a stone.

As ever, Channel 4 managed to show about five people receiving attention, but split it up into 20 to 25 sections, darting from one story to another.  The programme should not be called Embarrassing Fat Bodies because the people can hardly be said to be embarrassed; they've been fat as fuck for fucking ages and have managed to do little else but top up the fat by eating more and moving even less.  In my world, the programme would be renamed Fat Fuckers, or Fucking Fat Fuckers.

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Monday 14 January 2013

14.1.13 Belt Loop Scandal & Other Questions

Belt Loops

It is quite simply lazy on the part of manufacturers to provide just five belt loops on a pair of trousers.  Obviously two always need to be positioned either side of the central front button or clip, and generally there's one at the back, in the middle.  These three stalwarts of trouser design mean there's symmetry and some common sense regarding the main anchor points.  That leaves two expanses of waistband that need to be given the means to allow assistance from a belt.  To have just a single loop on each side in that gap is skimping big-time.  The proper number of supplementary loops in that space on each side is two, giving seven in total.  Check your trousers, people.

Andrex Wet Wipes

Why the hell has some cunt decided that we now need to wipe our arses with wet wipes? The pathetic adverts are totally misguided, and I notice that they are particularly aimed at women.  I have no real inclination to spend five times as much by using damp wipes instead of toilet roll, and I suggest these wipes are rather less friendly to the planet and any notion of protecting the environment, despite the stupid confirmation that they can be flushed away. Many things can be fucking flushed, but that doesn't mean they should be.  Go and invent something useful, Andrex.  I know, how about providing toilet rolls in paper outer covers (like you used to) rather than the non-degradable polythene!

Darts

Last week we had the televising of the world championships.  I must say that for a short spell, darts can indeed be of mild interest and be entertaining. However, there are two important things that I must pass comment on.  The first is actually to state that Darts is most definitely NOT a 'sport'.  It's a game. It's a very good game, actually, but certainly not a sport.  The second is the ask why on earth it is necessary for the BBC to insist on showing action replays.  Now, first, I apologise for using this term, as there's clearly no 'action' involved.  Second, I should point out that seeing a dart move slowly through the air and land in a small section of the board that's between 1 and 5 square centimetres is hardly enthralling, informative, entertaining or varied enough to make me want to watch.  Once I've seen a metal dart land in a double-sixteen section a few times, I've no need to see it any more, in slow motion.  So why the slow motion replays?  Baffling.

Alex Zane

Why is it that the only thing Alex Zane can do is count down from 50.  All we see him do on TV is present the top 50 of something-or-other.  Worse, though, is the fact that the programmes could be improved upon in one respect - by the removal of Alex!  It worked with You've Been Framed.  As soon as Harry Hill took over and decided to use voice-over commentary rather than a studio-based approach, the success was instant.  Alex, get a mike, don't appear in front of the screen, and avoid therefore the inane introductions to each section of clips about whatever the fuck you're counting down about.  Thanks a million - or fifty anyway.

Phone Scams

Why do television 'reality' shows with phone voting only ever invite us to vote for the ones we want to save? I know the answer, of course, and as ever it is to do with money.  If there are twelve contestants, then voting for 'your favourite', as the presenters so commonly put it, is not of direct consequence, as the end result depends on the collective voting patterns of all those participating.  In essence, a single vote for one of twelve means a watered down vote which goes into the mix.  In any event, the incentive for voting is to a large degree backwards.  Really we ought to be voting for the fucker we want to go out.

I do not waste money voting on these shows, mainly because of the system outlined above.  If one twat is going home then I want to vote which one it will be; I don't want to vote eleven times to save all the others.  As I said, the money spent on voting by silly people is key to these programmes and many place multiple votes.  I suggest that sooner or later someone in TV might just have enough bottle to list the numbers to phone, in order to select who will fuck off.  In such circumstances, I will then be pleased to consider joining in, as I feel my vote would then be directed a little more accurately at the result I desire.


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