Unfortunately Splash! has returned to our screens, and we are all supposed to marvel at the brave Tom Daley, who has a hard life training and posting videos about his sexuality - like I really care a hoot. Yes, he seems like a nice chap - can we just leave it at that.
The pain that accompanies this show is nothing to do with the injuries that divers sustain, but with the appalling double act of Gabby Logan and Vernon Kay. It brings to mind his other half, Tess Daly and the oh so awful Bruce Forsythe. The lame attempts at jokes have obviously been passed from Bruce to Tess to Vernon, and delivery of the lines is truly cringeworthy.
After ten minutes of shite, Vernon Said: "Are you ready for some diving?" Twat. It would of course be nice, although as we all know, the whole programme contains just the five dives by the competitors, and then two more for a 'Splash Off'. With this level of content, it's hard to be contented.
Gabby is no better, and talks as much drivel as Vernon. She asked Tom a question without asking him a question: "I've heard the standard is better than ever." Well, better than when, exactly, Gabby? [That was a question!] There has been just one short series until now, so the declaration was so inappropriate I would suggest a ducking.
Michaela Strachan scored 21, and every cunt with a microphone told her how wonderful she was for 'going first'. For Fuck's Sake! Ricky Groves followed, again scoring 21, but no one mention his going second.
The VT for Gemma Merna contained Tom's valuable input: "She's definitely progressing, she's going into the water." Arse. Still, I suppose considering Gemma is scared of heights, water and diving, maybe we should be thankful she did indeed get into the water. That reminds me, I must find a combination of three things that terrify me and then apply to do something that links them, preferably on national TV.
Gemma managed to plop in from the 3m platform and not drown. Jo Brand [officially more useless than a tea strainer for a paddle] decided to remark: "I thought that was brave" and I wondered if I should all of a sudden reset my own standard and feel pleased with myself (and brave) for washing up. Gemma herself was happy enough with her dive and her score: "I'm made up," she said. She wasn't wrong - that make-up was certainly plastered on and waterproof, all 16oz of it. 18 points wasn't going to get her far, though.
Perri Kiely from Diversity was like a flea hopping around, and was obviously going to win after his fall from the 10m platform. Only the shit judge (Leon) spoilt things with his stingy 7.5 and some misplaced, unnecessary cuntishness.
And so, to Gemma Collins. Her impression of Orca was impressive, but her weird outlook was displayed through her utterances, such as: "I've done it for everyone out there." No love, you haven't. I certainly didn't want you to nosedive into water. 18.5 points was about right. She then, in answer to being asked if she could go further, said: "If it's what my fans want." Talk about being full of yourself.
So, after all five had dived, it was time for a break, before which Vernon summed up with a wholly inaccurate line: "What a great night so far."
Gemma Merna: "I came into this competition to do that dive off the 3m board. All those people out there who are scared of water, I did it for you."
TMWSC: "You just got wet, luv - get over it."
Vernon: "Earlier tonight, five celebrities dived, hoping to get your vote and make the semi-finals." This would make some sense if there are indeed going to be semi-finals, ie. more than one. However, last year's pathetic format saw us endure just three heats, with two from each going through to what was erroneously termed a 'semi-final'. From those six, three returned the following week for the final. That makes no fucking sense at all. So, Vernon, unless ITV is doing twice as many programmes, there are not going to be any 'semi-finals', just a single one that's actually a dry run (pun intended) for three who'll be doing it again a week later.
There was a scandalous outcome to the voting. Not regarding Perri winning, that was expected and proper. However, Ricky Groves was ousted while Gemma Collins got through to the Splash-Off with Michaela. WTF?
Gemma revealed earlier her bruising to her boobs, and I was strangely reminded of Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark on his forehead - something that made Mrs MWSC chuckle when I told her.
Common sense prevailed, although NOT from Jo Brand, and Michaela went through. Jo Brand insisted on plumping for Gemma, and showed herself up to be on a par with plankton, in terms of intelligence and awareness.
The whole show was half an hour too long, and had half the content that would have made it worth watching. One thing's for sure - the public cannot be trusted, and there will be voting scandals that see the wrong people making progress. I long for the day when a soap 'star' is not invited on to a programme supposedly made up of 'celebrities'. Fucking soap stars are a pain. As for TOWIE, I do not watch it for a reason, so it's very annoying to have to put up with the puss that leaks from that show on to others.
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