19.1.14 This Week's Television Lowlights

Saturday

There's a lot of murder available.  10.30 ITV - Murder She Wrote, then at 12.45 it's Columbo: The Murder of a Rock Star.  You may wish to stick with ITV at 2.45pm for Midsomer Murders, or flick over to Channel 5 for Columbo: Murder Under Glass, which is followed by a double bill of Diagnosis Murder, and finally at 6.10pm, Mr & Mrs Murder.

The Johnathan Ross Show was one to miss, and I managed superbly.  I was rewarded by avoiding both Jonathan Ross AND Russell Brand, an even greater wanker.

The Taste: "Contestants make a prawn cocktail."  Blimey, it all happens on Channel 4, eh?  Does it get much better than this?  No!

Cornwall: Walking Through History was showing on More4 at 9.00pm.  "Tony Robinson treks along the coastline, learning about the smuggling trade." Surely the irritating Robinson will have bumped into Neil Oliver walking along the coast from the other direction?  And when they stopped for a cream tea, wouldn't Caroline Quentin have been hogging a bench seat?

Sunday

More afternoon repeats of fucking baking programmes, with The Great Sport Relief Bake Off.  I'd rather some cunt made a programme called "What A Relief - No More Fucking Baking".  The double episode swallowed two hours of the lives of anyone watching, and featured Victoria 'Sponge' Pendleton, and others who had no business being associated with anything linked to 'Great'.

River Monsters (a repeat) at 11.45pm features Jeremy Wade still not being eaten by a dangerous fish, sadly.

Mr Selfridge is on at 9.00pm, but anyone who's not been in a coma for the last three weeks will know this, from the incessant trailers that ITV insists on showing, and contaminating the world with.  Fuck off, ITV!

At 3.05am, on Channel 5, theres Living With ADHD: Louis Smith.  Any idea why Louis is involved?  I get why it's on at such a silly time - obviously the viewers are up and about!

Monday

The Alan Titchmarsh Show features Paul Hollywood and Mark Benton.  WTF? We've had complete overkill from Hollywood for what seems life 'forever', and Benton has only jest been (belatedly) ejected from the "Strictly Come Dancing" set.  Get someone on the show who deserves the attention, Alan!

Channel 5 is showing a repeat of Gibraltar: Britain in the Sun, with the alluring description: "The marine police go on a high-speed chase in pursuit of smugglers."  Oh, so they do their fucking job then, do they?  Wonderful.

The Great Interior Design Challenge on BBC2 deserves some attention on a separate post, so I will not now go into detail.  However, I am not at all surprised that the BBC has decided to show another variation on the tired theme of tarting things up and having 'Great' in a programme title, went 'Damp' or 'Shite' would be more appropriate.

Channel 4 at 8.30pm offers a wondrous programme called Food Unwrapped. The TV guide made me laugh: "Matt Tebbutt investigates the risk of consuming reheated rice, and Kate Quilton looks at vanilla extract."  I know that rice is safe for no more than 24hrs, ever, so the investigation Matt's doing will not quite be on a par with a Columbo film.  As for Kate, are we seriously going to be entertained by her as she "looks at vanilla extract"?

New Tricks on BBC1 - "The team reinvestigate [sic] the 15-year-old murder of a boxer after the gun used to kill him is discovered at the scene of an armed robbery."  This is a repeat, and so NOT to be confused with what might be named "All New New Tricks" if the Beeb didn't continually shaft us with repeats.  Please note that it's not a 15-year-old programme of a murder being repeated.

Tuesday

River Monsters at 7.30 is not a repeat.  Here's the listing detail - "Jeremy Wade re-evaluates everything he knows about fishing as he visits Central America to track down a feared creature believed to reach 8ft in length and weight up to 300lbs."  Well, aside from the first 16 seconds of the programme [Jeremy re-evaluating everything he knows about fishing] I see no reason to include the cast of the Channel 4 programme 'Fat Fucking Cunts Waiting For Surgery' in a game of hide and seek!

House of Fools on BBC2 is a "Reeves and Mortimer" programme, and so will be idiotic and cuntin awful.

Wednesday

A very strange offering on BBC2 at 10.30am caught my eye.  See Hear - "The effects of the Nazi holocaust on the deaf community.  With voiceover. (BSL)"  I must say that I'd never really considered the 'deaf community' as one affected particularly badly by the Nazis.

Thursday

Britain's Best Bakery - "A baker finds himself in a sticky situation with his caramel apple tart."  Riveting, eh?

Friday

Live International Bowls.  This is bowls, not bowels, although some might argue there's little difference.  Potters Leisure Resort in Hopton-on-Sea is the place to be!

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