In the Generic news today (any day at all) will be:
A Touch of Indecency
An update on a 'celebrity' court case involving a bloke allegedly assaulting a female years ago. There could be variations that include a 'fumble' or 'rape' and there will be no real evidence (other than possible weak circumstantial evidence) except the victim's word. Public opinion will be divided.
Weight Loss
A man or woman who was, once upon a time, fucking huge, but who has now slimmed to simply 'medium' or 'large' after shedding enough blubber to fill a small shed, will be grinning at us from a newspaper or computer screen. The motivation to do this (lose weight, not grin) will have been: a) an embarrassing incident, or b) the likelihood of a speedy death. We will all be expected to marvel at how wonderful the remaining 1/3 of a human is, after he/she ditched the 2/3. Note: There will, every day, be mention of "gastric band".
Footballers
A footballer will have done something illegal, typically car-related. This could be driving with no insurance, crashing, not having a work permit, getting into a fight at a nightclub, or placing a bet that was against the rules. If there is no such story on any one day, then there will (in line with Hodgson's Law of Cuntishness) be the release of a photograph showing a footballer in an inappropriate situation, or state of dress. Accompanying all of this will be a story that shows footballers to be in a world of their own, and undeserving of the attention, money and fame they seem to have stumbled upon eg. Anelka.
Fitness & Tips
A female will have launched: a) A fitness DVD, or b) A range of something-we-don't-need. Should this not be a day on which either of these things happened, then a daft 'celebrity' who doesn't live in the real world will come up with something daft to confirm that she/he is daft. Gwyneth Paltrow is a good example of such a creature.
Benefits
A minimum of 17 people will be exposed as cunts, for claiming benefits to which they were/are not entitled. There will be outrage at the scale of the lies and the amounts of money involved, although little comment about how the cunts were allowed to get away with it for so long. The greatest outrage will be reserved for the consequences for the guilty parties - usually woefully short of what is appropriate and in no way any deterrent for the many many thousands of similar cunts who are ripping off taxpayers.
Immigration
There will be an alarming statistic and accompanying story screaming in large print, proving that immigration is out of control.
Too Much Money
A very rich cunt will have spent a stupid amount of money on something, proving that he/she is indeed a cunt and rich. Crass and shit. Our noses will have been well and truly rubbed in it.
Research
A piece of research (usually costing a lot of money) will be announced by 'scientists' (probably linked to a university) and the findings will be in line with either: a) Whatever a random man in the street would have said or guessed, or b) Fucking cunting obvious.
Weather
There will be a story about appalling weather somewhere or other, and we will all feel sorry for the people affected (for 6.5 seconds).
Property Values
A property what comprises a litter tray, a garden or yard big enough for a circular washing line, and enough space to swing the cat (when it's not using the litter tray) will be on sale for either 87 times its purchase price, or £1.2million, whichever is the higher. It will of course be in London, or Sandbanks.
Schools
A school will be the setting for yet another pathetic approach. It could be a story about school uniform, hair colour, food, obesity of health & Safety, but at the core will likely be a decision (with accompanying official statement) that defies logic or common sense, and makes parents annoyed.
Politics
Politicians will strive to prove they are in most cases complete wankers. The vast majority will succeed. Labour politicians will strive more vigorously and succeed more easily, although UKIP is trying hard to oust the LibDems from second place.
Virus
There will be without doubt a photograph of one, some or all of the following, every day without fail: Rihanna, Beyonce, Rita Ora, Cheryl Cole, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kelly Brook, Kate Moss, a Beckham, Carla Delevingne, Miley Cyrus, a Kardashian.
BBC
The Beeb will prove itself to be out of touch, or worse. There will be a story related to either: a) A pay-off of some kind to a useless shite, b) A story about money being squandered, c) A fuck-up of great magnitude, or d) A further update on how it turned a blind eye to something - eg. Jimmy Savile being a cunt. The result of each and every story will cause resentment among licence payers and will highlight how the corporation was as guilty as Savile himself!
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