Yesterday saw the simultaneous airing of the second ITV offering of Splash! and the first of The Voice, on BBC1. Both programmes were listed as 90 minutes long, and both were rather stingy in their content. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the TV channels are taking the fucking piss!
The Voice
Here we have a painfully drawn out process of bringing to the nation's attention hand-picked contestants who sing something to the back of four heads, and the supposedly entertaining part of the show, where the judges um and ah about whether to turn around, while either singing along or pulling daft faces. This is of course preceded by two presenters (this time it's a JLS bloke with no real credibility and that Big Brother woman who seems to be paid rather too much to be everywhere) asking daft questions of the contestants and the rabble making up the 'friends and family' contingent in a room at the back. The BBC has sadly decided to maintain the useless cunting practice of referring to the contestants as "artists", so inappropriate that it suggests they should all in fact get through.
Last night, we endured 90 minutes - don't forget, no advert breaks, just a decent amount of padding within the actual programme - and were 'entertained' by nine contestants. I make that one for every ten minutes of airtime. If the new and improved third series of The Voice cannot do better than tout just nine hopefuls in an hour and a half, then I fear it's got no better. It's true that not having to put up with Jessie J is a massive bonus, and Danny O'DearLordSaveUsFromGurning not being around on the end seat is wonderful, I am not sure we're much better off. Tom Jones is so predictable and boring, with nothing to say ('very powerful' will of course be a mainstay for the ones he likes) and will.e.ever.move.on is just nuts. Kylie seems like fun, but this will, I believe, be a short-lived view. She will turn into something best described as "compeltely annoying". She's already tested the water by making repeated reference to being a girl and knowing what it's like to be a 20-year-old girl. The Kaiser Chief was more of a love struck Corporal, waiting to fall for a teenage girl.
So, one in ten was the proportion of contestants to minutes, and the odds of coming across any true talent. I did like the Irish girl, and the Yorkshire lass was good and funny. The only other one worth mentioning was the Steve Davies lookalike, a 16-year-old who was excellent yet ignored by the four twats!
Splash
Here we had the second show of the second series, in which standards have risen (allegedly) but that clearly doesn't apply to the skills of either Vernon or Gobby. The judges have got so much worse that it's bordering on criminal. Andy tries to be all 'hip' and funny, Jo is simply pointless, and Leon toys with being a prissy cunt. Andy generally scores first, and whatever he awards, Jo adds half a point to determine her own score. Leon then goes down again, usually by one point. Meanwhile, I see no fucking point! NB: There is of course the outrageous, pathetic and obligatory [I think it's in the contracts of all concerned] reference every few minutes to Tom Daley and innuendo regarding his body etc. Everyone has to join in with this 'game'. Oh no he isn't; oh yes he is.
ITV has decided upon a slightly different strategy and content proportion. Over the 90 minutes we are able to see just five dives, at the end of huffing, puffing and training clips. That suggests a proportion of one dive per eighteen minutes. However, we need to allow for advert breaks, which brings that down to one every fourteen minutes. If I were feeling generous, I might amend that to one every twelve minutes, after removing the voting time while the local youth centre people jump and dive into the pool at Luton - but I am not generous.
What's Best
So, whatever the channel, every 10-14 minutes, we are able to expect something to happen. On balance, Splash! is actually better value by far, because the pre-dive television includes details of the training and practice dives, with some funny clips as the contestants are learning. Unfortunately there is nothing that compares, over on BBC1, and all we are left with is the pathetic back stories and sob stories - nothing entertaining at all. 'Guff' would be a good word, I think, to describe that. Last night's The Voice was perhaps better named "The Amusing and Rather Too Knowledgeable Six-Year-Old Daughter of the Woman With a Shit Voice".
What's best, then? That could be this week's competition. Text your answers:
A: Neither
B: Chlorine
C: The Vice [Now showing again on BBC3]
D: Slush
E: A Slash
F: Urethra Franklin [says Tom Jones]
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