Hotels
Hotels.com - "You'll always find the perfect hotel because we only do hotels." What a pathetic claim.
Vagisil
It seems that smelly cunts have never until now existed, but luckily that development has coincided with the availability of Vagisil. Otherwise, how else would a need for this product have been established? This wonderful breakthrough means that as body odour has hit a new level, the paranoia amongst women can be contained and managed. What a fucking stupid example of marketing and groundless claims to try and create a need.
Paper
"Wrapped in Papyrus paper." Stupid this twats at Maggi. Qualification of the word 'papyrus' is simply laughable!
Sponsorship
On the theme of qualification, I am annoyed enough that the whole world seems to rely now on sponsorship in one form or another, and that nothing is immune from this contamination. It is, though, even more galling when the sponsor opts to gloat with the announcement that it "proudly sponsors" rather than simply 'sponsors'. There is no place for pride in a commercial relationship that leads to some cunting manufacturer or service provider telling me it is doing something proudly when flogging its wares or services! If any organisation wants my money or my praise, or both, then the starting position ought to be avoidance of ramming down my throat any shite with the smell of self-congratulation and corporate aloofness. Either sponsor something (if you really have to) or fuck off.
Transport and Vehicles
There seems to be some competition for the silliest slogan now. Eddie Stobart's "Delivering Sustainable Distribution" had long been the market leader in nonsensical shite, but Davis Haulage has almost caught up with "Delivering Transportation Solutions".
I saw another silly message a week ago on the back of a white van, alongside the normal company details (S.W. Furniture). It seemed I needed to know that the driver of the vehicle in the middle lane of the motorway had unusual habits, or why else would there be the message:
"This vehicle stops frequently."
It was a fucking van that delivers furniture. Now, the last time I considered the merits of a regular supply of furniture, I came down on the side of not really needing it delivered more than once a decade. On that basis, then, I suggest that the frequency with which any van laden with furniture might stop is not great enough to warrant a warning to the other road users. Even if it does stop three or four times a day, so fucking what?
This pointless advice to other road users is nearly as bad as the "No job to small" declaration from one thick odd-jobs bloke who owned the van. The "Soffits and Facias" claim on another local van suggests to me that its owner might be related to the first van owner, what with the shared inability to spell. Aside from these errors, though, is the case of the Kelly Comminications van (apparently 'Working on behalf of Openreach') which had alongside an 0808 phone number, the question: "How am I driving?" The correct answer to this, at least the week before last when I was behind it, was: "Like a complete cunt!" I did not call and record this, as I was driving and had no hands free facility. I thus had to endure the meandering of the cunt, who liked to change lanes with no indications to anyone, let alone thought for the probable accident (with loss of life) that was demanding to make itself real.
Newcastle
On a recent visit, I noticed that the sat nav showed the name of the small area I was in - "Spital Tongues". Only later did I learn that the weird and slightly off putting name derives from 'hospital' and 'tongues', which were small pieces of outlying land. That makes some sense, and clears up the initial concern over the name. I therefore don't expect anytime soon to find myself in Phlegm Throats or Mucus Nostrils.
Scarlett Johansson
Apparently her promotion of SodaStream has caused an issue, and a conflict of interests. It's resulted in Scarlet ending her 8-year run as an ambassador for Oxfam. Excuse me, but in the last eight fucking years, I've not had a clue that she's had anything at all to do with Oxfam. I therefore suggest that her input was pointless, and that it will of course not be missed at all.
The Jump
So far I've managed to avoid seeing any of The Jump on Channel 4. There are simply too many demands upon my time, and subscribing to yet another daily dollop of shit TV is hardly sensible or appropriate. The decision to swerve was an easy one to make, what with the line up of so-called celebrities featuring some of the most desperate people around. I've picked up a few hints on what the format is, and am confident that I've taken the best option. I'll not miss Davina telling me stuff that's as useful and informative as the 110,000th - 111,000th digits of π and I most certainly couldn't give a fig who wins - much like my interest level in The Taste, with the awful Nigella. All these women fronting programmes seem to have a name ending in 'a'. Maybe there's room for some new recruits, probably called Bonjela and Fruitella.
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