31.1.14 It's Official - UK is a Fascist State

Schools - Where will it end.  After the fuss recently over parents taking kids out of school in term time, and the various fining regimes in place to fuck those parents off, we hear of further developments.  As exemplified by a school in Milton Keynes, parents are now to be charged at £6 per hour for being late to pick up their children.  As ever, I find myself amazed the the various ways in which establishments can rip people off.  It isn't just the tax man that does this - in fact, the tax man is rather straightforward to deal with, and I know in advance what part of my earnings are going to be taken to give to benefits claimants and malingerers.  It's the other bodies who decide to impose further burdens on us.

Councils - simply cuntish organisations with a remit to make cuts galore, while paying their own staff for doing rather little.  Alongside this approach is the horrendous abuse of power through the issuing of parking fines, charges to park on streets and in car parks on land that they 'look after' for the public, and the ever decreasing input when it comes to removing fucking refuse that I am forced to collect in multi-coloured wheelie bins.  If I put the wrong thing in one of them, I'll be fined.  If I leave bins out in the road beyond certain limits, I could be fined.

Police - if I drive without a seat belt, I'll be fined, even though it's me at risk. Any argument that I will cause work for the NHS in being fixed if I am in an accident is a pathetic one as we spend billions on fat cunts.  I am not a fat cunt, and as a non-overweight person I will not be using any element of the extortionate taxes I pay to the NHS for removing blubber etc.  Will I get a rebate?  Of course not.

If I eat an apple at the wheel, I will be fined.  If I drink from a McDonald's cup while driving, I will be fined.  However, if I smoke a cigarette, I won't be fined. This makes no sense.  I demand that I be allowed to eat an apple in lieu of smoking, as I'm a non-smoker.  Controlling an apple in one hand while driving is no more difficult that controlling a cigarette; at least it will not lose a piece and set fire to my crotch.  Now we might have to be fined for smoking at the wheel soon, if the CIC get their way - not on the grounds of smoking compromising control of the vehicle, but if there is a child in the car as well. I've no idea what 'child' means, as definitions vary from age 2 to 18, depending on whether the discussion is about free holiday places, having to have a seat of their own on a plane, qualifying for half price at an amusement park, marrying, getting free prescriptions and a whole host of other things.

Heaven help a smoker who drives at 75mph on a motorway while having a drag, who isn't wearing a seat belt and hogs the middle lane - that's four fines. If you smoked a joint before setting off, you'll probably be fine (forgive the pun) though, as the coppers will no doubt be unable to establish that, let alone prosecute you.

Courts - I see that over and above any penalties imposed by courts, there is the so-called 'victim surcharge' to top up the overall penalty.  The name suggests that there is a victim who's suffered and needs to be compensated, but the truth is the charge has got fuck all to do with that, and is simply a stealth tax on the amount of any fine.  The parents who took their kids out of school during term time this week got a victim surcharge of £120.  WTF? Who gets that money, and why is this fine levied?  A chap severely pruned (well, halved the size of) a tree in his garden without realising there was a preservation order on it.  He was fined £500, with £500 costs incurred by the cuntin council, and there was a 'victim surcharge' of £50.  Does this cunting money go to the tree, or what?  Fucking farce.

The Devil's Sinister Sustenance 

Schools Again - A boy of six has been banned from school for 4 days after teachers discovered a bag of Mini Cheddars in his lunchbox.  At 3ft 9inches and only 3-stone-2-pounds, he's hardly got any worries about calories. Meanwhile, on the next table, there will be a fat kid with real problems who's scoffs a packet of chocolate HobNobs when he gets in from school, but will be seen as a 'golden child' because there are no crisps in his lunchbox.  The fascists now check lunchboxes, and there's a permanent threat to kids that if any lunch is deemed unhealthy, the school might provide a dinner in place of it, and charge the parents.  What next?

Councils Again - This week there was an example of a Council park warden demanding money from a woman, after claiming her dog had left shit on the ground.  It was not her shit or her dog's shit, but the cunt was having none of it. He called the police for back-up!  A twat from the council later made a statement to support the worker and the policy, but failed to acknowledge that the prick had made a mistake and displayed a pathetic approach.  I am totally in favour of fines for those who allow shit to sit on the path, but I expect the cunt issuing tickets to either observe the incident or have proof, and not simply guess before refusing to back down.  What makes any council cuntish is its endorsement of a twat in a cap who demands £80 for a chip that's en-fucking-route to a pigeon's gullet, or for a sweet wrapper blown from a toddler's fingers. I also observe that in the vast majority of cases, the person pestered for money by a council cunt is either female, young or a long way short of 'threatening'. While these tossers are arguing over a single cigarette end or a salt sachet, there are whole bags of rubbish being discarded within a mile radius of every McDonald's in the country.

Schools Again

You may be unlucky enough to have children who go to a school or schools where there is insufficient space to park, nowhere to pull up temporarily, and a fascist streak that pervades.  Consequently you may find that you are on a daily basis running the risk of being fined by police brought in by the school to enforce the double yellow lines are are smeared on every fucking piece of road within quarter of a mile of the school(s).  As a result, come 3pm, there are across the country hundreds of thousands of parents loitering, waiting for kids. Many are parked so far from the school that they have to lock up and walk to the gates to flag down their kids.  Others keep engines running, peering into mirrors in case a traffic warden or copper is on the prowl.  Obviously they are all trying desperately to do the right thing, and are even more desperate to avoid being late, otherwise they'll incur charges.

I am sure that some parents suggest their children take a short walk to a newsagent from where they can be collected.  The kids can then call in for a packet of Mini Cheddars (which they were deprived of at lunch time) and have something to do should there be any parental delay, for example after being stopped by police for having a fag in a car whilst displaying a "Child On Board" sticker.  After being let off with a warning, and a lecture about lingering smoke, the coppers will watch the parent pull off and wish they could demand a full valet before the parent is allowed to have any under 18s in the vehicle. The parent will be glad to have had a fix of nicotine before a child climbs in.

Ryanair

Eventually Ryanair will be seen as a reasonable company with common sense policies, and one which enforces low surcharges and fines.  The rest of the world is catching up fast, and will soon become more cuntish.

Schools Yet Again

Fat kids will get fatter as running in the playground is no longer allowed, for health and safety reasons.  Conkers are banned, bulldog and tag are frowned upon and flamethrowers are considered ill-advised.  [I made the last one up]. Children are expected to drink water, eat no sweets, crisps, biscuits, chocolate, white bread, consume only products that state "no added sugar" [but which will fuck then up with aspartame and other chemicals that will make it impossible for them to concentrate] and not move in case they are in an accident, and seek compensation.


[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

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31.1.14 End of the Month Views

Hotels

Hotels.com - "You'll always find the perfect hotel because we only do hotels." What a pathetic claim.

Vagisil

It seems that smelly cunts have never until now existed, but luckily that development has coincided with the availability of Vagisil.  Otherwise, how else would a need for this product have been established?  This wonderful breakthrough means that as body odour has hit a new level, the paranoia amongst women can be contained and managed.  What a fucking stupid example of marketing and groundless claims to try and create a need.

Paper

"Wrapped in Papyrus paper."  Stupid this twats at Maggi.  Qualification of the word 'papyrus' is simply laughable!

Sponsorship

On the theme of qualification, I am annoyed enough that the whole world seems to rely now on sponsorship in one form or another, and that nothing is immune from this contamination.  It is, though, even more galling when the sponsor opts to gloat with the announcement that it "proudly sponsors" rather than simply 'sponsors'.  There is no place for pride in a commercial relationship that leads to some cunting manufacturer or service provider telling me it is doing something proudly when flogging its wares or services!  If any organisation wants my money or my praise, or both, then the starting position ought to be avoidance of ramming down my throat any shite with the smell of self-congratulation and corporate aloofness.  Either sponsor something (if you really have to) or fuck off.

Transport and Vehicles

There seems to be some competition for the silliest slogan now.  Eddie Stobart's "Delivering Sustainable Distribution" had long been the market leader in nonsensical shite, but Davis Haulage has almost caught up with "Delivering Transportation Solutions".

I saw another silly message a week ago on the back of a white van, alongside the normal company details (S.W. Furniture).  It seemed I needed to know that the driver of the vehicle in the middle lane of the motorway had unusual habits, or why else would there be the message:

"This vehicle stops frequently."

It was a fucking van that delivers furniture.  Now, the last time I considered the merits of a regular supply of furniture, I came down on the side of not really needing it delivered more than once a decade.  On that basis, then, I suggest that the frequency with which any van laden with furniture might stop is not great enough to warrant a warning to the other road users.  Even if it does stop three or four times a day, so fucking what?

This pointless advice to other road users is nearly as bad as the "No job to small" declaration from one thick odd-jobs bloke who owned the van.  The "Soffits and Facias" claim on another local van suggests to me that its owner might be related to the first van owner, what with the shared inability to spell. Aside from these errors, though, is the case of the Kelly Comminications van (apparently 'Working on behalf of Openreach') which had alongside an 0808 phone number, the question: "How am I driving?"  The correct answer to this, at least the week before last when I was behind it, was: "Like a complete cunt!"  I did not call and record this, as I was driving and had no hands free facility.  I thus had to endure the meandering of the cunt, who liked to change lanes with no indications to anyone, let alone thought for the probable accident (with loss of life) that was demanding to make itself real.

Newcastle

On a recent visit, I noticed that the sat nav showed the name of the small area I was in - "Spital Tongues".  Only later did I learn that the weird and slightly off putting name derives from 'hospital' and 'tongues', which were small pieces of outlying land.  That makes some sense, and clears up the initial concern over the name.  I therefore don't expect anytime soon to find myself in Phlegm Throats or Mucus Nostrils.

Scarlett Johansson

Apparently her promotion of SodaStream has caused an issue, and a conflict of interests.  It's resulted in Scarlet ending her 8-year run as an ambassador for Oxfam.  Excuse me, but in the last eight fucking years, I've not had a clue that she's had anything at all to do with Oxfam.  I therefore suggest that her input was pointless, and that it will of course not be missed at all.

The Jump

So far I've managed to avoid seeing any of The Jump on Channel 4.  There are simply too many demands upon my time, and subscribing to yet another daily dollop of shit TV is hardly sensible or appropriate.  The decision to swerve was an easy one to make, what with the line up of so-called celebrities featuring some of the most desperate people around.  I've picked up a few hints on what the format is, and am confident that I've taken the best option.  I'll not miss Davina telling me stuff that's as useful and informative as the 110,000th - 111,000th digits of π and I most certainly couldn't give a fig who wins - much like my interest level in The Taste, with the awful Nigella.  All these women fronting programmes seem to have a name ending in 'a'.  Maybe there's room for some new recruits, probably called Bonjela and Fruitella.

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30.1.14 Suffering Mr Selfridge

ITV rams down our throats the message that it is "Channel of the Year" hundreds of times per day, with the on-screen logo.  I note that none of the previous winners of this dubious award have chosen to adopt such a tactic. Still, ITV is so far up its own arse, it commissions lengthy adverts for itself, and bored the fucking arse off me with the repetitive "ITV - Where Drama Lives" bollocks.  Repetition is of course a factor that can drive viewers insane.  I talk not of repeated programmes.  No, whole programmes being repeated is simply a fact of life now, and all channels are up to their necks in cheap TV and repeats.  I refer to other 'snippets of shit' that are drowning us all.

Mental Torture

Repeated showing of something short is an appalling abuse of the audience. For example, in my ITV region, the one-hour and two-hour dramas are sponsored by Viking River Cruises.  That's fine - to a point.  However, the tactic of starting and finishing every break in the main programme with a plug for VRC is mind numbing.  The adverts sandwiched between the VRC plugs actually become mild salvation.  The repetitive bollocks is removing brain cells from each and every viewer.  The whole phenomenon of 'sponsorship' is awful.

128 Cuntin Trailers Per Week

Worse, far worse, than anything else is the manic frenzy that takes over the CIC at ITV, those who sanction the ludicrous cunting policy of bombarding me with trailers for cunting Mr Selfridge.  This shite is aired on Sunday nights at 9pm.  However, there is a need to make sure we know this programme is on that rivals our need for fucking oxygen - so the CIC would have us believe. From Monday (yes, hours after one annoying episode) we are subjected to reminders that it's on again on Sunday at 9pm.  Arggghhhhh!

Yes, the award for most nauseating approach ever adopted by a terrestrial channel goes to ITV1 for its incessant cajoling of the UK viewers to watch Mr Selfridge.  This amounts to an infringement of my human rights, and I demand that the CIC have a rethink about how to act responsibly.


[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]
[ www.dontbeacunt-beaware.co.uk ]
[ advertise responsibly ]

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30.1.14 School Absence - Leave It Out!

What's the fuss about.  Apparently the latest 'bad example' of kids missing school is one where the father is a school governor.  Well, really!  How outrageous - NOT.  According to some outraged parents, there's an allegation of double standards and unfairness.  Actually, Paul Lawton and his wife (for the first time since their wedding) went abroad and they of course took with them their four younger children and their 13-year-old daughter.  Oh dear, the naughty people picked term time, and have had to pay £400 because the 13-year-old missed some school.  The daft system that forced parents to work to impossible conditions or be fined has started to throw up examples for us all to analyse.

Mr Lawton and his wife paid £1200 for the flights and transfers, rather less than the cost that would have applied during school holidays - £4800 less to be exact.  So, even with a £400 fine, he's still £4400 better off.  So why the fuck are there moans and groans from self righteous people (and particularly other parents) who all had the choice to do the same thing?  Sour grapes, envy and of course the national pastime of "being fucking offended".  Mind your own business, you tossers.

If there is a penalty system in place for anything at all, and as a result of a transgression a fine is applied in line with said system, then that is the end of it.  If I speed at 40mph in a 30mph zones, I'll probably get three points on my licence and a £60 fine.  If I mug an old lady but in mitigation claim to be high on drugs, and/or drunk, or perhaps convince the magistrate of my 'good character', then off course I'll get 17 minutes community service.  These are the rules and systems, as we all know.  Therefore, if any parent wants to allow their child to miss a bit of school, then the 'fine' being imposed is the end of it.  It is no good anyone whinging about the actions of those who break the rules if the paying of the appropriate fine doesn't bring the matter to an end.  If there's a will to raise the fine to act as a deterrent, then that's really the only way the moaners can do much about it.

They had better start campaigning then, although there seem to be rather more people campaigning to get the cost of holidays, especially foreign ones, reduced during the school holidays, so that there is no need for people to take kids out of school.  The government is being asked to do something about levelling costs, so it's unlikely to be able to at the same time raise fines as a way to make parents avoid term-time holidays, as that would really be kicking everyone in the teeth.  The fact is, in school holidays the costs will always be higher, period.  If the penalty for skipping school is below those extra costs, then there will be many more parents copying Mr Lawson, and Stuart and Natasha Sutherland who were also fined recently (they too were also still better off).

What's shit is that where a single parent would receive a fine, BOTH parents would be fined where the child missing school had two parents!  That's fucking discrimination for a start!  This is quite simply another fucking cunting bollocking tax on those struggling, and earning an average wage.  Screwing those in work who finally get a chance to have a break is hardly helping anyone! Anyone who is a shit parent, whose kids possibly skip school quite often, and who maybe chooses to allow or even encourage offspring to miss school will most certainly not be bothered, particularly if they are on benefits. Maybe the courts will soon be full of people offering to pay 50p per week to clear the fine associated with the week's trip to Weymouth, or their kids' three hours in the amusement arcade in the high street.

The people who pay for anything are those with money, who work hard to get it.  Anyone at the bottom simply gets away with stuff, and any top earners don't give a flying fuck anyway.

I wonder if the parents of the two runaway teenagers (the ones who ended up in the Dominican Republic) will be ordered to pay fines.  In theory, why the fuck not?  The whole system is daft.  I strongly urge all parents who want to spend time abroad in term time to simply say that "little billy was ill".  It is a parent's right to take a child out of school if he's unwell, and what the illness is can be no fucking business of anyone else.  I reckon that a child suffering mild depression might well benefit from a week in Portugal.

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29.1.14 Laura Kuenssberg at the BBC

There's a rumpus about a switch from ITV to BBC by Laura Kuenssberg, who is taking up a position on the Newsnight team with a £200,000 per year salary. Quite rightly there are questions about the BBC's pathetic use of licence payers' money, and criticism over the scale of pay for the most mediocre of people.

Irritation

Much of the focus is on the calculation of the ratio appropriate for her pay and the dubious benefit to viewers, who apparently number just 660,000.  It works out at 33p per viewer, we are told in newspaper headlines.  My own gripe centres rather more on the lack of talent, or at least the unlikeability of Ms Kuenssberg.  Her manner is quite unattractive, and in the world of TV I would have thought that was reason enough to be less than forthcoming either with a six-figure salary or airtime.  The new 'Chief Correspondent' is not many people's cup of tea.

My own take on the furore is not actually to complain about the 33p of my money apportioned by the mismanaged BBC to her Newsnight role.  In fact, the BBC is welcome to my 33p, AND (despite LS most certainly not being worth £200k/year) I am not now that fussed about her having my 33p - on one condition.  I will gladly sanction this use of 33p on the basis that the annoying Laura Kuenssberg is kept off screen.  I am prepared to contribute as long as I do not have to see or hear her.

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28.1.14 Weather - Wintry Bollocks

I would say 'roll on spring or summer', but unfortunately that will make little difference to the twats who provide us with weather forecasts.  The complete obsession with Winter, wintry and the non-word 'winteriness' is amazing. Thus, even when we are clear of the winter months, I have every confidence that the message we receive will still include reference to showers being wintry.  As for now, we are quite clearly in the middle of fucking winter, seeing as it is 28th January, so any reference to the weather being 'wintry' tells us cuntin nothing!

The forecast last night was painful to listen to.  The I was informed by the useless individual on my TV screen that during the night the rain would "turn a little bit wintry".  The stupid cunt was telling me precisely nothing; first, I would be asleep, and second, I have no idea what the difference is between ordinary rain at 4am and its "wintry" counterpart!

Another piece of useless information (and grammar) was provided by Ross Hutchinson, when I heard him say: "as that low pressure sinks its way down".  What the fuck?  Still, this is the chap who's so taken with "murky" that he's developed the theme and is forever mentioning "bits of murk" in his forecasts!

The flirty and annoying Lucy Verasamy was wide of the mark a few days ago when she greeted me with, "Hello, and a very good afternoon to you", despite it being 6.50pm, and pitch black outside.  She then fed me some nonsense about "intense, energetic low pressure systems" complete with the flamboyant wave of the arms, and a wrist action that would be of use for something rather more daring than pointing at clouds.

On Sunday night, Emma Jesson mentioned "winteriness" three times in the 90 seconds she was on screen.  As already stated, that's a completely meaningless and useless (and I'd argue non-existent) word - but that aside, it is without doubt a totally redundant utterance in cuntin January!

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26.1.14 Todd On Ice - Ashley On Something Else!

LAST WEEK

I simply could not be bothered to create anything for DOI last week.  It was a wasted week, leading to the delayed departure of Todd Carty, a no doubt nice bloke who should not have been on screen, let alone on ice.  The result of last week's deplorable result was our frustration at having to endure 10 people skating last Sunday just so that Todd could go home at the end of it.  I had some paint in the shed that I could have applied to a door or skirting board, and watched drying.

As for the pain endured before Todd left, it was mostly exemplified by Ashley Roberts, with her useless comments on the skaters.  Luckily she was not invited to comment on a couple.

"There was a lot going on in that routine girlfriend - good job."

"I love that you feel more centred this week; you didn't throw away any movement."

"I love a little bit of booty pop; it was a good job."

"You looked like you were having fun.  It is a tough competition; you have to up your game."

"That was extra spicy and delicious."

"Todd - yey!  You had fun.  You went out there and committed to having fun."

"You've come back wanting it.  Watch your shoulders just a smidge."

"You had a lot of fun, having a giggle.  I had a lot of fun and enjoyed it."

Ashley was not the only one with noteworthy comments, albeit for different reasons.  Instead of complete drivel, Jason tends to opt for cutting remarks, such as the comment to Gareth Gates:

"You are on the forgettable side of playing too safe."

This was eminently better than Phillip Schofield's lame attempt at humour, with:

"If you don't want Gates to be shown the door, you need to vote for him."

I think the commentator got a bit carried away, though, when he came out with his own view regarding Todd Carty:

"He wasn't even in the skate off last week; he shocked the skating world."

I somehow think the 'skating world' is not confined to one small rink where Todd was proving rather brilliantly that he cannot skate and should not ever be linked with the 'skating world'.

THIS WEEK

Less entertainment on offer this week.  It might be that I'm getting bored with the whole thing - not surprising seeing as all the contestants have done this before, generally finishing high up.  As a result, there's no visibility of anyone actually getting much better.  It simply isn't working as entertainment.  The fact that there are nine left means I am shuddering at the number of weeks left to go!  More importantly, I am having a near fit about having to endure so many more weeks of the totally pointless Christine Bleakley.

Ashley Roberts Airhead Masterclass in Comments

"I feel like you did up the bar a bit; you had a lot of fun with it."
"Aaaarghhhhhuuurrrggghhhhhhh."
"Giving me some booty poppin."
"Good job."
"This style translated so nice."  [Not 'nicely', then?]
"It was a fun start; you came alive tonight."
"You were brilliant, baby; well done. luv."

Jason's One-liner

"You're about as 'street' as Sesame Street."

Thank heavens for Hayley (38 points) and then Ray (40 points) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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26.1.14 Splash! The Last Heat

The last heat was as dire as ever in respect of the presentation by Vernon and Gabby, yet the standard of diving was better than in the three preceding heats. It's rather silly for ITV to saddle us with some weak divers for three weeks and then to have a final heat where three of the contestants were better than some who'd already got through!

There were some typically awful lines delivered by the worst double act since Bruce and Tess:

"Hooray for some diving."  [Vernon]
"Polyanna put the kettle on; that was fantastic."  [Gabby]

Jo Brand didn't want to be left out, so managed an odd comment after Jenny Eclair had dived:

"You looked like a cheeky, bouncing prawn."

So, Richard Whitehouse MBE got through, along with Austin Healey.  Una Foden did a dive better than that of Michaela Strachan (who got through in the first heat) and Polyanna Woodward didn't even make the Splash Off, despite a great dive from the top board.  What a mess - a bit like the underwhelming crap served up by the 'display team' while the 123 votes were counted and added to the judges' scores.  I wondered if this was the same group of 123 people who'd been asked to decide upon the beneficial effects of L'Oreal's SkinPerfection (as endorsed by Cheryl Tweedy in the break) with 71% of them [88] being pleased with the effects.  It seems the world is directed by such low numbers of people these days.

Vernon told us that in the semi finals, "Things are gonna be on another level".  There's me thinking it will still be 3m, 5m, 7.5m and 10m boards.

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25.1.14 Whatever Fucking Next?

The Jump

Is there no end to the same old format being used for television programmes. Splash! could so easily have been called 'The Dive', and it seems Channel 4 couldn't resist a similar offering under the name of 'The Jump'.  Here we have so called 'celebrities' jumping, and we are supposed to be entertained by this bollocks.  I won't be watching.  My life is too short to fit in another set of wasters competing and hoping for our votes - or begging for them.

Why the fuck do I want to see Sinitta on my screen, let alone another ex-Pussycat Doll.  An ex-cricketeer is NO BASIS for a claim to be a 'celebrity'. Davina McCall will present us with tosh, and she'll do so in the style of all the other shit that she's presented.  Other twats on the show include Amy Childs and Anthea (WTF?) Turner.  A singer (and I use that term loosely) from 5ive is included. I note that Anthea, Sinitta and Laura Hamilton have all done Dancing On Ice in the past; what a merry-go-round.

I would not be surprised to see The Hop and The Skip being devised for airing on Channel 5 i the coming months.  Maybe the useless cunts from The Jump can downgrade and plead for votes on these less demanding ventures.


The Great British Dick Off

Is anyone watching the shit on BBC2, about painting and decorating?  Me neither.  It's not actually called The Great British Dick Off, which is of course me being silly by linking the obsession within the TV world for using 'Great British' in the title of programmes, with the name of one of the people involved, Tom Dyckhoff.  Another cheap programme churned out for us to bite fingernails at while texting/voting.  Still, while this shit is on screen, Mary Berry is kept off air!


The Taste

I was in the kitchen with Mrs MWSC at 12.30pm today when without any use of the remote, the television (which had been on standby) suddenly came on. This spookiness was soon forgotten because Channel 4 was the one on screen, and The Taste was playing, much to our consternation.  The few minutes that The Taste was left to waste (see what I did?) proved to us beyond any doubt that Nigella is a pretentious waste of space, and that the tired format did nothing but reinforce our views that the subjective comments from judges are not worth a spotted dick.  As for the pronunciation of "Michelin", I simply shuddered as though I'd downed an ice-cold Metz.

Other Senses

Is there going to be a programme called The Smell next?  Maybe perfume experts can sniff things and see how well they do.  I dare say that poor taste might prevail on Channel 5, and The Touch could perhaps be a viable format. With so many celebrities and politicians in the firing line these days for inappropriate behaviour, there is surely no shortage of candidates to participate.


The Voice

I reckon this could be improved massively with a slight change - the dropping of the letter 'o'.  Participants displaying their skills at various vices could be a bit more entertaining and a chair-turn.


What's Left?

Well, we've had (in effect) the following, albeit with a slight change in name here and there -

The Voice
The Jump
The Skate
The Dive
The Dance
The Taste
The Cake
The Cook
The Kitchen
The Arctic
The Jungle
The Cube
The Chase
The X-Factor

So, aside from The Hop, The Skip , The Smell and The Touch, what's left? How about -


The Cunt

The format is simple; bring out a few people and we vote for who one is the biggest cunt on display.  That would be awesome, and the mother of all competitions!  Lots of heats, and the grand final would be fantastic.  I suppose the name of the show could in theory be changed to C-Factor, or Britain's Got Cunts, but I like the simplicity and definition that comes from The Cunt.

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24.1.14 McDonald's On Ice

This is not a play on words, and any sort of clever link to 'Dancing On Ice', but rather an observation after a recent visit to a McDonald's this week.  The focus of my attention now (and then) is (was) the toilet facilities, and more specifically the size of the men's toilets, plus the use of ice.

The above photograph gives an impression of spaciousness; however, this photo is of the McDonald's Head Office in Finchley, London.  It in no way resembles the facilities available in a typical restaurant.  Usually, as in this week's visit, I find myself in something that a fucking magician could saw in half!  Anyone using the M42 might like to stop off at the services at Junction 11, where there's possibly the smallest men's loos imaginable.  There are two urinals, although anyone standing and pissing at the one nearest the door will be hit by said door if someone enters mid-piss.  Further, the one hand dryer is located alongside that first urinal, and this renders it unusable should there be a person pissing.  In effect, this whole facility is suited to single occupancy, with the possibility of a second visitor on occasions.  WTF?  Simply awful, and if there were a design award for the most useless and inappropriate design ever, then McDonald's would win hands down - exactly where one puts hands to piss, or dry them.

Let's now turn our attention to the 'water free' aspect, promoted and indeed rammed down our throats by McDonald's,

There is an alleged saving of 100,000 litres of water each year, through use of these water-free things.  What is baffling, after this claim, is the policy of using taps which stay on for 12 seconds.  Whatever water is saved by not having to clean piss off a urinal is wasted every time a tap is turned on.

Back to the M42, and a weird phenomenon that I encountered - one I've never seen or heard of before.  Instead of the water-free bowl, I was confronted with an ice-filled receptacle.  Yes, that's right - the urinal was filled with a massive heap of ice which I had to piss over.  This fucking 'water feature' was simply peculiar.  It was preferable to the lake of piss that confronted me at another McDonald's in Liverpool the week before, but still strange.  The experience suggested (by default) that I was preparing some sort of drink, like Martini on the rocks.  If the contraption is supposed to be water-free, why on earth was a bucket of ice tipped into each one.  I pondered this, whilst peeing, and was glad of being alone in the small area.  I finished, used half of the water dispensed to wash my hands, and left.

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23.1.14 You're On Your Own in the UK

Here are a few notes on news items today, where the perpetrators of crime deserved to be punished.  In two cases, the victims fought back, and some sort of justice was done.  In one, the courts dealt with the matter and justice was NOT served.

Case No.1

Fuel thieves tried yet again to steal from a 44-year-old businessman.  Sick of the repeated threats and irate at the two cunts, he gave chase and caught them.  One ended up with two broken legs and a broken arm.  The other was arrested, after Andrew Woodhouse had sat on him until their arrival.  Mr Woodhouse was then arrested and faced years in jail if found guilty of using excessive force.

Fortunately after 20 minutes, the jury found him 'not guilty'.  Common sense and justice prevailed.  Sadly, the sentence for the two thieves was fucking pathetic - a £75 fine each.  The real sentence was the injuries received at the hands of the intended victim.  Overall, I think the second chap (who was sat on) was lucky not to have received a 'breakage' as well - that would have rounded things off rather more nicely.  The justice system in the UK is clearly deficient. Victims are not supported at all, and find themselves in the firing line all too often.  In the USA, Mr Woodhouse might have been entitled to use a gun when finding people on his property and trying to steal.  Lucky it was just a fence post that came to hand.  Why, though, he had to have the possibility of a Life prison sentence hanging over him for 10 months is beyond me.

Case No.2

In Manchester, a man aged 25, described as a petty criminal, drowned when he was pushed into a canal, as he attempted to mug two men on a towpath. The attacker and one of the victims fell in.  Whilst the victim of the attack managed to climb out, the criminal had to be rescued, but died two days later. On the one hand it is a tragedy for someone to die so unnecessarily, and yet I am struggling to be too sympathetic considering what the bloke was up to. This 'justice' is rather severe.  If he'd ever got to court, though, then I suspect he'd have got a pathetic telling off, paltry fine, and little else.  The chap apparently had a 17-year-old accomplice.  I wonder what the punishment will be, assuming he's caught.  Probably a slap on the wrist with a ruler.

Case No.3

This is a disgusting incident, one that was simply not handled in any way satisfactorily by the counts, and which demonstrates to everyone just how fucking useless the system is in the UK.  Vitalijis Zavjalovs, a 22-year-old who was out drinking in Wigan, was caught on CCTV kicking someone's head like it was a football.  The unfortunate victim was Brian Gallagher, who caught a boot in the head after the attacker took a run-up.

The magistrate was able to view the incident, and see beyond any doubt whatsoever the completely cuntish attack and the consequences.  Despite this atrocious act, the sentence was just 4 months, suspended for 12 months, plus community service.  What the cuntin fuck?

The reason he escaped any custodial sentence was that it was an isolated incident, and the cunt who did it felt remorse.  A defence of having consumed lots of alcohol was seemingly enough for the magistrates to adopt a pathetic approach.  All this will clearly be of no interest to Brian Gallagher, who was left unconscious from the assault and could probably have died.  Lucky for the cunt who kicked him that he didn't, or he might have got more of a telling off! This bloke should be in jail - simple as!  Still, in the UK, there's little justice anymore.

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21.1.14 Random Rants

• Medicine has got a fucking 'i' in the middle, so it isn't (as the pretentious would have it) pronounced "medson".
• Ken Bruce should stick to radio.  His role is that of Terry-Wogan-Type-Person, and he should NOT be engaging in voice-over work for BBC1 on "Reflex".  He gabbles, tries far too hard to be witty, and is irritating as fuck!
• Bernie Madoff is recovering from a heart attack while fighting kidney cancer.  Hmmm . . . . the crooked cuntin crook gets no sympathy from me.
• If I'd had the nerve, resources and reason to fuck off to the Dominican Republic with a girl I loved when I was 16, then I'd have done so.  For fuck's sake, media - give them a break.  Life's too short, and when your parents are rich fuckers, you're likely to be brought up weirdly, so some escapism is probably rather useful.
• Cornwall Council erects 63 signs stating no parking in a one-mile stretch of road.  Stupid cunts.
• If this is not deemed to be racist . . . .

• Why is this deemed racist?

• Maybe footballers might, in light of the mess Anelka has got himself mixed up in, stop fucking about after scoring a goal, and simply get back to their own cuntin half, ready to try and score another one.  The pathetic rituals and gestures are unwelcome - period!
• There's a pub at motorway services - heaven help us!  What a fuckin' fuss over nothing.  Drivers have for decades been able to get drunk at a Little Chef is they so wished.  There are pubs just off motorways, and drink driving is hardly going to be commonplace because the new-fangled invention of 'alcohol' can now be purchased in a service station!  Some cunt will be telling me 63 times in a mile that I can't park my car in a Cornish road next!
• Fucking LibDems are completely useless cunts.
• A grown woman had her knee squeezed many years ago.  Oh dear . . . . but not quite Jimmy Savile.
• Health campaigners want to ban a doll that refuses to eat from a spoon - because it allegedly encourages anorexia.  Stupid fucking cunts.
• Susanna Reid needs to get a life, and stop trying to invade mine.  I have no interest in what she says, how much weight SCD allowed her to lose (weight that she obviously could do without) and I would only ever have voted on this programme if the voting regime were to place a vote for the one to be EJECTED.  Instead, we're supposed to vote for saving whichever cretin takes our fancy, but that is less productive, and not value for money.  Please go away, Susanna.
• Naomi Campbell is quite simply surplus to requirements.

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21.1.14 The Car In Front

The car in front is not, in my opinion, the real problem - well, most of the time anyway.  No, the car in front (when you catch it up) is simply there, and a mild nuisance if it's not moving very fast.  The thing is, even if it is happy to piss about slowly and prevent any possibility of speedier progress, it was there first. So, on that basis, it has the benefit of the doubt.

The car in front is only a problem if it was previously the car from the left or the car from the right.  I will explain what I mean.

The Car From The Left

When a car is waiting to pull out from a side road, or is hoping to join the main road at a roundabout, usually without slowing, let alone stopping, then the driver is duty-bound to make sure he/she hits the accelerator, and does NOT slow me down.  I have no objection to anyone pulling out if this policy is adopted.  However, when a fucker sees me, but pulls out anyway, without trying to match my speed asap, then he/she is a cunt.

The Car From The Right

This is a potentially disastrous situation - if the car from the right gets on to the roundabout first, and I cannot nip in front, then I will have to slow and possibly stop.  I am then forced to endure the long/slow build-up as the vehicle gathers speeds (or doesn't!).  I will then spend the next few minutes annoyed that for the sake of three seconds, I've been trapped behind a pain-in-the-arse for no good reason.

As a consequence, cunts from the right force actions in others that risks those others becoming, by default, a cunt from the left.  Only once someone has adopted the role of 'cunt from the left' can the driver behind establish whether indeed that name is appropriate.  If the 'cunt from the left-elect' becomes a 'cunt from the left' because the speed of the car behind is not matched quickly enough, then the car behind will have the moral high ground.  If the car behind is in fact a slow cunt, and the car pulling out from the left is fast, then the 'cunt from the left-elect' will automatically relinquish any claim to be a cunt, and will become the car in front.  As the car in front, it is not a problem because it got there first.

When the 'car from the right' gets on to a roundabout first so that it prevents another car from moving forward, a car that otherwise would have been faster and would have adopted the 'car on front' mode, causing no problem for anyone, then that 'car from the right' is a cunt.  The car behind can't possibly know whether the 'car from the right' is a cunt until a few second later.  For those few seconds, the 'car from the right' is a 'cunt-elect'.  He will either speed up and be a 'non-cunt', (save for the fact that he was a temporary cunt for causing the slow or stop) or dither, and be a 'proper cunt'.

Today

Today I had the displeasure of encountering a 'cunt from the right'.  Initially, the Mitsubishi Shogun Warrior was a 'car from the right' (even though it was a cuntin 4x4 rather than a 'car') but it got on to the roundabout just in time to make me stop, and it then dithered, proving itself to be a cunt.  I followed the cunt in front until it reached a flatbed lorry travelling slowly along the bypass. The cunt became a cuntish cunt by not only refusing to overtake, but by preventing me from overtaking the joint obstacle.  The misnamed vehicle [for I've seem more fighting spirit in an arthritic, disabled pensioner than in this 'Warrior'] kept me behind it while travelling at 38mph on the excellent road that was a 'National Speed Limit' one.  If the cunt hadn't been a cunt, I'd have got on to the roundabout first, and would so easily have passed the lorry. Unfortunately when the lorry turned right, the speed limit dropped to 30mph (in which Genghis Fucking Khan did 38mph!) and at the next lights (on red) we came upon another lorry, which turned out to travel at 38 - 40mph.


If you've followed all of that, you're a clever cunt.

Just for general interest, I thought I'd add a helpful image to end this rant.

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20.1.14 Today's Generic News Stories

In the Generic news today (any day at all) will be:

A Touch of Indecency
An update on a 'celebrity' court case involving a bloke allegedly assaulting a female years ago.  There could be variations that include a 'fumble' or 'rape' and there will be no real evidence (other than possible weak circumstantial evidence) except the victim's word.  Public opinion will be divided.

Weight Loss
A man or woman who was, once upon a time, fucking huge, but who has now slimmed to simply 'medium' or 'large' after shedding enough blubber to fill a small shed, will be grinning at us from a newspaper or computer screen.  The motivation to do this (lose weight, not grin) will have been: a) an embarrassing incident, or b) the likelihood of a speedy death.  We will all be expected to marvel at how wonderful the remaining 1/3 of a human is, after he/she ditched the 2/3.  Note: There will, every day, be mention of "gastric band".

Footballers
A footballer will have done something illegal, typically car-related.  This could be driving with no insurance, crashing, not having a work permit, getting into a fight at a nightclub, or placing a bet that was against the rules.  If there is no such story on any one day, then there will (in line with Hodgson's Law of Cuntishness) be the release of a photograph showing a footballer in an inappropriate situation, or state of dress.  Accompanying all of this will be a story that shows footballers to be in a world of their own, and undeserving of the attention, money and fame they seem to have stumbled upon eg. Anelka.

Fitness & Tips
A female will have launched: a) A fitness DVD, or b) A range of something-we-don't-need.  Should this not be a day on which either of these things happened, then a daft 'celebrity' who doesn't live in the real world will come up with something daft to confirm that she/he is daft.  Gwyneth Paltrow is a good example of such a creature.

Benefits
A minimum of 17 people will be exposed as cunts, for claiming benefits to which they were/are not entitled.  There will be outrage at the scale of the lies and the amounts of money involved, although little comment about how the cunts were allowed to get away with it for so long.  The greatest outrage will be reserved for the consequences for the guilty parties - usually woefully short of what is appropriate and in no way any deterrent for the many many thousands of similar cunts who are ripping off taxpayers.

Immigration
There will be an alarming statistic and accompanying story screaming in large print, proving that immigration is out of control.

Too Much Money
A very rich cunt will have spent a stupid amount of money on something, proving that he/she is indeed a cunt and rich.  Crass and shit.  Our noses will have been well and truly rubbed in it.

Research
A piece of research (usually costing a lot of money) will be announced by 'scientists' (probably linked to a university) and the findings will be in line with either: a) Whatever a random man in the street would have said or guessed, or b) Fucking cunting obvious.

Weather
There will be a story about appalling weather somewhere or other, and we will all feel sorry for the people affected (for 6.5 seconds).

Property Values
A property what comprises a litter tray, a garden or yard big enough for a circular washing line, and enough space to swing the cat (when it's not using the litter tray) will be on sale for either 87 times its purchase price, or £1.2million, whichever is the higher.  It will of course be in London, or Sandbanks.

Schools
A school will be the setting for yet another pathetic approach.  It could be a story about school uniform, hair colour, food, obesity of health & Safety, but at the core will likely be a decision (with accompanying official statement) that defies logic or common sense, and makes parents annoyed.

Politics
Politicians will strive to prove they are in most cases complete wankers.  The vast majority will succeed.  Labour politicians will strive more vigorously and succeed more easily, although UKIP is trying hard to oust the LibDems from second place.

Virus
There will be without doubt a photograph of one, some or all of the following, every day without fail: Rihanna, Beyonce, Rita Ora, Cheryl Cole, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kelly Brook, Kate Moss, a Beckham, Carla Delevingne, Miley Cyrus, a Kardashian.

BBC
The Beeb will prove itself to be out of touch, or worse.  There will be a story related to either: a) A pay-off of some kind to a useless shite, b) A story about money being squandered, c) A fuck-up of great magnitude, or d) A further update on how it turned a blind eye to something - eg. Jimmy Savile being a cunt.  The result of each and every story will cause resentment among licence payers and will highlight how the corporation was as guilty as Savile himself!

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19.1.14 This Week's Television Lowlights

Saturday

There's a lot of murder available.  10.30 ITV - Murder She Wrote, then at 12.45 it's Columbo: The Murder of a Rock Star.  You may wish to stick with ITV at 2.45pm for Midsomer Murders, or flick over to Channel 5 for Columbo: Murder Under Glass, which is followed by a double bill of Diagnosis Murder, and finally at 6.10pm, Mr & Mrs Murder.

The Johnathan Ross Show was one to miss, and I managed superbly.  I was rewarded by avoiding both Jonathan Ross AND Russell Brand, an even greater wanker.

The Taste: "Contestants make a prawn cocktail."  Blimey, it all happens on Channel 4, eh?  Does it get much better than this?  No!

Cornwall: Walking Through History was showing on More4 at 9.00pm.  "Tony Robinson treks along the coastline, learning about the smuggling trade." Surely the irritating Robinson will have bumped into Neil Oliver walking along the coast from the other direction?  And when they stopped for a cream tea, wouldn't Caroline Quentin have been hogging a bench seat?

Sunday

More afternoon repeats of fucking baking programmes, with The Great Sport Relief Bake Off.  I'd rather some cunt made a programme called "What A Relief - No More Fucking Baking".  The double episode swallowed two hours of the lives of anyone watching, and featured Victoria 'Sponge' Pendleton, and others who had no business being associated with anything linked to 'Great'.

River Monsters (a repeat) at 11.45pm features Jeremy Wade still not being eaten by a dangerous fish, sadly.

Mr Selfridge is on at 9.00pm, but anyone who's not been in a coma for the last three weeks will know this, from the incessant trailers that ITV insists on showing, and contaminating the world with.  Fuck off, ITV!

At 3.05am, on Channel 5, theres Living With ADHD: Louis Smith.  Any idea why Louis is involved?  I get why it's on at such a silly time - obviously the viewers are up and about!

Monday

The Alan Titchmarsh Show features Paul Hollywood and Mark Benton.  WTF? We've had complete overkill from Hollywood for what seems life 'forever', and Benton has only jest been (belatedly) ejected from the "Strictly Come Dancing" set.  Get someone on the show who deserves the attention, Alan!

Channel 5 is showing a repeat of Gibraltar: Britain in the Sun, with the alluring description: "The marine police go on a high-speed chase in pursuit of smugglers."  Oh, so they do their fucking job then, do they?  Wonderful.

The Great Interior Design Challenge on BBC2 deserves some attention on a separate post, so I will not now go into detail.  However, I am not at all surprised that the BBC has decided to show another variation on the tired theme of tarting things up and having 'Great' in a programme title, went 'Damp' or 'Shite' would be more appropriate.

Channel 4 at 8.30pm offers a wondrous programme called Food Unwrapped. The TV guide made me laugh: "Matt Tebbutt investigates the risk of consuming reheated rice, and Kate Quilton looks at vanilla extract."  I know that rice is safe for no more than 24hrs, ever, so the investigation Matt's doing will not quite be on a par with a Columbo film.  As for Kate, are we seriously going to be entertained by her as she "looks at vanilla extract"?

New Tricks on BBC1 - "The team reinvestigate [sic] the 15-year-old murder of a boxer after the gun used to kill him is discovered at the scene of an armed robbery."  This is a repeat, and so NOT to be confused with what might be named "All New New Tricks" if the Beeb didn't continually shaft us with repeats.  Please note that it's not a 15-year-old programme of a murder being repeated.

Tuesday

River Monsters at 7.30 is not a repeat.  Here's the listing detail - "Jeremy Wade re-evaluates everything he knows about fishing as he visits Central America to track down a feared creature believed to reach 8ft in length and weight up to 300lbs."  Well, aside from the first 16 seconds of the programme [Jeremy re-evaluating everything he knows about fishing] I see no reason to include the cast of the Channel 4 programme 'Fat Fucking Cunts Waiting For Surgery' in a game of hide and seek!

House of Fools on BBC2 is a "Reeves and Mortimer" programme, and so will be idiotic and cuntin awful.

Wednesday

A very strange offering on BBC2 at 10.30am caught my eye.  See Hear - "The effects of the Nazi holocaust on the deaf community.  With voiceover. (BSL)"  I must say that I'd never really considered the 'deaf community' as one affected particularly badly by the Nazis.

Thursday

Britain's Best Bakery - "A baker finds himself in a sticky situation with his caramel apple tart."  Riveting, eh?

Friday

Live International Bowls.  This is bowls, not bowels, although some might argue there's little difference.  Potters Leisure Resort in Hopton-on-Sea is the place to be!

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18.1.14 Splash! Week 3 Pish

There was a distinct lowering of standards this week ("Is that even possible?" I hear you ask) with the quotes and input being at times pathetic.

Vernon managed a pointless and dire question, when he asked Penny Mordaunt:

"How does this experience differ to the House of Commons?"

Obviously it was grammatically shit, and he should have said, "differ from", although wholly better would have been to say fuck all.  Sadly he didn't shut up.  In reference to Dan Osborne's small leopard skin trunks, he announced:

"Tess, I am not buying those trunks."

Gabby: was not immune from talking shit, and with a stupid grin on her face, told us:

"The atmosphere is red hot tonight."  No it fucking isn't, luv.

Danielle Lloyd introduced herself, not as "the one who abused Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother, but luckily got away with it and Jade Goody took 95% of the flack", but with the rather more considered (if erroneous and up-her-own-arse):

"My name is Danielle Lloyd; I'm a model and TV personality."

WTF?  TV personality?  After a weak dive, all I could hear from all fucking directions was how brave she was.  Yawn.

Gabby came up with a couple more helpings of crap.

"It's the middle of the weekend; what better way to celebrate than with the Splash Dive Team."  [I can think of 49, 326, off the top of my head]

"We are building to a tense climax."  [What you and Vernon do in the break is YOUR business!]

Vernon then introduced a pathetic comment towards the end, in his question to Jo Brand:

"In the battle of the sexes, who do you think has come up trumps tonight?"  [It's NOT a male versus female competition you twat.]

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18.1.14 The Voice (Yawn)

Another installment of the chair-swivelling show that brings us . . . well, not a lot.  Will.i.am says very little (thank goodness) and when he does speak, it is usually to say something of little value or sense.  Ricky Wilson smiles and frequency looks doe-eyed.  Tom simply sits and laps up the comments and status that he's apparently got - that of 'legend'.  Emma Willis is simply not needed on this programme.  As for Marvin, why? - period!

Jamie Johnson, 19

This self-confessed "mummy's boy" seemed intent on giggling stupidly and sang with no great level of competence.  Ricky grinned stupidly, but that revealed nothing, as it was his usual state.  For some reason, Ricky, Tom and Kylie all turned around, to the completely mad and over-the-top screaming from his mother.  Tom's comments confirmed he'd thought Jamie was a girl.  Ricky offered to get T-shits printed, and so Kylie won.  However, I rather thank that Kylie lost.

Mairead, 31

The woman with the scary eyeliner was a non-stop talker, and I wondered whether she was in fact 13 rather than 31.  For the second time in a row, Will.i.am showed more sense than the other three, who all turned around. Mairead asked Will: "You didn't think it was mega dope?"  No, Mairead, he has, though, probably just realised you are a dope!  Tom waffled on in his usual way, making the obligatory reference to 'power', with: "Iconic song; you were hitting some powerful notes."  The dopy woman opted for Tom on the basis of: "You remind me of my dad."  Pathetic.  She left the stage still talking at 120 words per minute.

Lewis Clay, 31

No one turned.  He did sound to me a bit desperate.  Will raised the issue of "consistent flatness" followed by the provision of a silly analogy with riding a horse (!?!?)

Jimmy Weston, 39

The painter and decorator was pretty good, even if he was a cross between Bryan Adams and Don Henley.  He opted for Kylie because . . well, why wouldn't he?

Kelsey-Beth, 21

I am not sure what sort of a name that is.  The ex-soap actor told us she was serious about being a musician, and I considered this erroneous, considering that she is singing and not creating music via any instrument.  I thought she was rather dodgy and some of the notes were off.  Kylie wanted her but Ricky was victorious after an impassioned plea.

Bob Blakeley, 55

Here was someone to buck the trend.  The chilled warehouse worker (he works in a chilled warehouse, rather than being a warehouse worker who is 'chilled'). Everyone thought Tom would turn, but he didn't.  No one turned, for some reason.  I've no idea why he was shunned.

Miles Anthony, 21

I considered what I'd tuned in to watch - The Voice.  I reminded myself of the claim by the BBC - "It's all about the voice" and then compared this aspirational statement with reality, and the sob story being presented.  I am sorry that his niece has an illness and a short life expectancy, but this has absolutely no place on the show ahead of a contestant singing.  He sang.  It was okay; that's about it.  Emma Willis was with the family, shouting along: "Push the button."  A Sugarbabe you ain't, Emma.  Afterwards, Kylie told him they'd messed up by not pushing the button.  Tom said he should have pressed, and Ricky also said he should have pressed.  Oh well.

Sophie May Williams, 17

Will.i.am woke up and pressed, and the others just listened.  She was interesting, and suited Will, if that's not an insult to Sophie.

Jermain Jackman, 18

Very good, and again, Will waited till the very end and bagged another good singer.

...

18.1.14 TMWSC NEWS

Nicolas Anelka

It's typical of the FA to do rather too little (well fuck all, actually) and to do it very slowly.  The Anelka situation is a case in point.  His actions on the field were hardly sensible, and he used his prominence and the fact that the match was being televised to promote the 'quenelle' gesture.  

What is perhaps rather more newsworthy than the uselessness of the FA is the rather more direct action of the West Bromwich Albion shirt sponsor, which happen to be the property firm Zoopla.  With Zoopla being Jewish-owned, there's some clout associated with the company, and the threat of sponsorship withdrawal could see an end to the £3million income for WBA.  I suspect that rather than the sport's governing body leading the way and doing the right thing, it will be the free market and the money-men who'll get something done about Anelka's unwise and unwelcome promotion of an unnecessary aspect of life.

Zara Phillips

When did the resumption of normal life and normal activities after childbirth become a competitive sport?  The papers are full of amazement, praise and congratulations, following Zara's drinking of tea at home, just six hours after giving birth.  You may have got a Silver medal in 2012, luv, but this latest effort doesn't get you a Gold medal for that.  I'm pleased for you that it all went well, but what's the rush?

Paul Daniels

How does this horrible little man get to appear in my newspaper?  He s truly odious, and I've no sympathy for any issues he's got trying to protect his £2.5million house from the swollen river.  I resent the fact that he is in the paper touting his story along with reference to past liaisons with "300 groupies" back in the day when it was apparently 'allowed' - and by 'it' I am not sure what I mean.  I think that at a time when Bill Roache, Rolf Harris and Dave Lee Travis are all in the news for alleged offences, Daniels has been advised not to say much at all.  I find the notion that he could have had 300 groupies quite sad; it shows the delinquency that applied among young females all those years ago.

O'Shit

I can't see Barack Obama's face, but I suspect it's less than a grin that's in place.  Michelle Obama was always was a scary beast, and this picture demonstrates her fierceness.  I reckon there's a lot of grief behind closed doors.  She reminds me of another beast whose qualities (physical and mental) ensured she reached the top - Serena Williams.

Ed Miliband

In the news again for being a complete fucking twat.  I think he should have a daily cartoon strip, with guest appearances by Nick Clegg.  Both UTTERLY DISPENSABLE.

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18.1.14 School Farce

School Farce - Number 642

The latest 'health and safety' silliness has arisen, with a Wallsend primary school banning running in the playground.  Obviously society has (via playground directives) dispensed with the pastime of 'conkers', and it seems that vigorous movement is now another evil that has to be stopped.  The head teacher came out with a bizarre and annoying load of guff:

"We are working hard with the children to change the focus of their physical activity at play times and lunchtimes to make it more purposeful, whilst allowing them to run off excess energy and take plenty of exercise."

This load of carefully constructed tosh is undermining common sense, and normal practice.  Not being allowed to play 'Bulldog' or 'tag' in the playground is deprivation.  I'd rather the school concentrated on some rather more straightforward tasks, like educating the children.  This is not something that's being done, based on the further comment from the head teacher:

"I suspect that the "play safe, play sensible" work we are doing with our children to help them understand that they need to think of others when they are playing boisterously has been misinterpreted."

Hmmm . . . "play safe, play sensible" is completely wrong!  How about teaching the kids what a fucking adverb is, rather than fucking off the kids and parents with dictatorial bollocks about playground activities?

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17.1.14 Names For Babies

So called 'celebrities' are renowned for picking stupid names for their offspring, and so it's no great surprise that we've had a few howlers recently.

The latest one to catch my eye is the daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.  Obviously this pairing having KKK in the mix is somewhat unfortunate, but I'll move on from that.  Instead of Kanye (Kan't Ya?) being the 'funny' name in the family, the kid has stolen the prize, albeit with no knowledge of her success in having a dumb name for the rest of her life.  North West is, I suggest, a stupid name to saddle a kid with.  I suppose if I'm honest the 'name' North is not in itself awful.  Okay, it isn't a name at all, but making it one is not horrendous - until it is paired with 'East' or 'West'.  So, the people who can't get away with giving 'North' as a first name are really only those with a surname of 'East' or W'est'.  Hmm . . . Oops.  Twats.

Equally stupid are parents Kate Winslet and Ned Rocknroll.  Again it's the daddy whose name stands out as the silly one.  However, I do wonder if he'll be around that long, seeing as he's the third one that Kate's paired with to have a kid.  Kate recently said that 'of course' she wasn't letting her kid have Rocknroll for a surname - and underlined her affirmation with another, to announce: "I'm an adult".  That's rather debatable, I reckon (rock on) because surely only a delinquent would call the son 'Bear'.  So, the bare-faced cheek of KW claiming adulthood and good parenting is backed up by the third child from the third bloke being named Bear Winslet.  Hmm . . . If you go down to the woods today.

I suppose the other recent funny one was Cricket, given to the daughter of Busy Philipps and Marc Silverstein.  Howzatt possible?  I'm stumped.  There are loads she'll have to put up with - boundaries, yorkers, a quick single, having the runs, bowled over.

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16.1.14 Kids and Cunts - What a Life

Abortions are okay, it seems, when some parents decide that they do not want girls.  Getting rid of girls after scans to check the sex of a baby in the womb is commonplace, especially among those of certain religions and cultures.  In fact, according to the latest news on this matter, only in 46% of cases does the fucking doctor see the 'patient'.  WTF?  Kill a kid because it's the wrong sex, and you'll be looked after, not charged, and your actions will in effect be condoned, and only half those opting for this course of action will need to see the doctor sanctioning the abortion.

Meanwhile, take your kid out of school for a day, and that'll be £60.  While that's still not as expensive as parking a car in London for five hours, it's a fucking disgrace in many cases.  Who makes up the rules?  Cunts, that's who!

Elsewhere, two sixth-formers abscond (elope?) on a mad journey to the Dominican Republic via France, from their private boarding school in Clitheroe, Lancs.  I must say that anyone unfortunate enough to be locked up in a Catholic boarding school has my utmost sympathy, and my full understanding on why fucking off in the dead of night was wholly (not holy) appropriate.  Do they get a rebate on time away from the school with £29,400 per year fees, I wonder?  No chance.  Nor is there any chance whatsoever that the costs associated with police efforts to investigate and track them down will be passed to the rich fuckers who sent their children to Clitheroe.

Meanwhile in Scarborough, an interfering cunt of an onlooker decided to call the police after seeing a mother walking her child on the seafront - a child who "looked cold".  The police (allegedly overworked, and never cunting available to respond to crime, burglary, threats, ant-social behaviour etc) were on the scene quickly and grilled the mother for an hour.  Fucking cunting pathetic!  I cannot work out who is the bigger cunt or the most pathetic.  The nosy person for making a 999 call, or the stupid police officers who devoted so much time to nothing, and giving the mother a hard time.  Maybe I will settle on the twat who issued a statement afterwards, to confirm: "All reports concerning the safety of children are taken very seriously."  Hmm, I can think of hundreds of examples where you clearly fucking don't take things seriously.

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