Dear, oh dear, oh dear; this show is degenerating rapidly. What makes everthing so much worse, though are the following two facts:
a) The judges take this whole thing far too seriously and believe that 'The Voice UK' is some fantastic phenomenon with the four of them inhabiting the centre of everyone's universe.
b) This shit cost licence fee payers £24million!
What does this ludicrous amount of money get? Well, let's have a closer look at exactly what we are getting for our money.
Reggie Yates
He is completely and utterly pointless. I will not waste a third sentence on him.
Holly Willoughby
She dispenses hugs to each of the singers after his/her performance, and then talks shit, prompting unresponsive judges just as an explorer might prod a small creature with a stick out in the wild. This is mixed in with sudden outbusts, where she hollers like fuck - so, 'Hollery Willoughby'. I reckon this woman (who's apparently a 'national treasure') could hail a taxi in Oxford Street while standing in the car park at Watford Gap services.
Will.i.am
Jesus Christ! No, this is not an exultation directed at the new Messiah, but an exclamation of complete disbelief at the condoned weirdness of someone paid half a million quid to be 'away with the fairies'. Now, I know that the £500k was not enough to keep his attention on the job, because we've heard that he keeps going back to the States because of 'other commitments'. [Sorry, but who the fuck gave him that much on the basis that it was part-cuntin-time?] But when he is in his chair, it's quite clear his mind is elsewhere.
"I just wanna watch the performers perform so that with my team, we can, er, strategise."
"You did your thing on that one; not much I can say but wowsers."
"I make myself laugh sometimes."
"Straight from the gate, you were, like, zoom."
"Like, like, you know, like, you're an artist."
It's fair to say that i.am.a.nikon is one messed up bloke who seems to court people and convince them he's a genius. I suspect he's going to end up as a cult leader, convincing people to join him on his spaceship, for a journey to Disc World (or perhaps Box World - you know, the fucked-up place inhabited by Noel Edmonds, where everything revolves around a box and a wanker on the phone).
Danny, Oh
Please can someone tell him to control his features, as I'm fed up with the pained expressions. Then there's his constant fidgeting in that chair. He must have been a handful for his parents when being told to sit still on an aeroplane. As for worthwhile comment? No, not a chance of anything worth shit.
"This is a great show, representing this beautiful country of yours; you, Bo, are an incredible artist, all around the world there is a Voice, but the UK has something special."
Jessie J
Sorry, luv - you may be arguably the sanest person in the chairs and you do claim to be 'honest' but when someone is shit, you're as bad as the other twats, and avoid at all costs giving straightforward input. Gain some respect and be the first to say to someone that "it was not good" or "you were flat" or "even Danny sing's better than that!"
Tom
It's hard to know what to say to someone who's been there, done that, and knows every cunt on the planet from Abraham Lincoln to Ghandi, and Muddy Waters to Captain Beefheart. This guy could name-drop for a living; hmmm . . . . actually, isn't that what he's doing right now? It seems so, apart from the occasional useless comment.
"Sometimes it's good to be 18. I remember when I was 18, some good things came out. All in all, you did a great job."
The Singers
Toni - Awful, horrible, shit. She "made it her own" and will hopefully fucking keep it.
Max - Despite Will's insistence (like, like) that he's an artist, he was trumped by Hollery's input, when she enquired of Danny: "It must make your job very easily." Tom said: "You did a great job." Thanks, Tom, I don't know how we'd manage without you.
Ruth - Absolutely shit as fuck. When in the run-up to the actual singing, Ruth mentioned the 'Blind Audition' I think she should have expanded on the phrase and used 'Senseless Audition'. Danny shut his eyes and nodded, and apart from having to see him do so, it was his most prophetic input this series. Meanwhile I cut off both my ears and took up post-impressionist painting, and even though I'm not Dutch, I felt I was in a better place than Van Gogh because I had removed Ruth's noise from my life. Jessie said "It wasn't perfect" which was the closest she came all night to speaking the truth. I.am.an.Iams.cat went on about a lower register and wobbling. Will is the only one wobbling. I was thinking that I wish when the register was called, Will was absent.
Hannah - Okay
Vince - He sang "Always On My Mind" and it was so high pitched I had to turn away 17 stray dogs from my front door. Afterwards, he told Hollery: "I enjoyed every single minute of that." I thought the opposite, but was thankful that the 'every single minute' actually amounted to 'two', thank God. Tom = "You made it your own." Danny = "You made it your own." Will = "You did your thing on that one." ???
Aleks - 'Dream a Little Dream' - yawn (with a slight lisp) but bearable. Apparently he "made it his own".
Cassius - This was truly awful. He started off with his hood resting on top of his bald head, and I had two visions. One was of Brian Friedman a few years ago when he was on the X-Factor, and taped his hood to his shaven head, and the other was of 'Scream'.
This warbling and strained nonsense was typical of everything that's shit about today's chart music. Danny I Did A Poo said it was a 'bit pitchy'. No, dodo, it wasn't even 'a bit patchy' unless you're allowed to have 'patchy' everywhere (?) Will.u.just.politely.say.goodnight managed to visit the fairies and talk gibberish. As Casio Scientific Calculat left, Hollery bellowed: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cassius Henry." From my sofa I wailed back: "No fucking thanks, I don't want him - have him back!"
David - Tom came out with "You made it your own" of course, along with "Long live curly hair." Tom, you are worth your fee six times over - I DON'T THINK! As for i.am.a.drip I am lost for words, and it's a shame he wasn't! He came out with a load of shit that a baby of 22 months would manage - a load of made up words and gibberish, and then stated he'd just made words up. This, from a supposed songwriter!
Becky - She was all right, and at the end, three judges stood, and eventually will.i.stand.up stood up as well, almost begrudgingly. Jessie enlightened us all by saying: "You made it your own", and Tom mentioned Janis Joplin (well, why wouldn't he!). Will just mentioned the length of her cord, and I wondered if Becky was having to resist the urge to wrap it around his neck.
Bo - Tom told us: "We are learning about their voices but learning about their lives as well." Tit. Bo reminded me (with her eye make-up) that haven't yet seen the Pandas in Edinburgh Zoo. Jessie joined in that The Voice UK is a great show. All in all, everyone patted each other on the back for being swell, sound and an artist.
Organised lunacy, this show! I expect the results will be riveting . . . . . yawn.
...
THE RESULTS
6th May
Well, we've just been served up the second helping - The Results - seemingly filmed straight after yesterday's show, because everyone is in the same clothes 24hr on (?)
What the hell is it with this "Artist" shit. Apparently everyone on the show was ordained one and it's now the default description of everyone on the show! Bollocks - none has yet earned the right to be called an artist; most will never be heard of again, when they get kicked off.
So, we had the small talk at the beginning, where everyone said they were proud of everyone and anyone they could be proud of. Will revealed: " I am still studying, you know." Tom congratulated everyone and especially his fellow judges, and for a moment, smoke (or was it dry ice) found its way up a few arses.
Then we moved on to the recap of the 'performances'. I heard Jessie say: "This show's about the voice" and as said earlier, she does not tell the truth, despite claiming to do so. We heard that Ruth has "grown so much" although she was "a bit pitchy". WTF?
Jessie's acts were up first, and the two left were Toni and Ruth. Hollery asked Jessie if she was surprised, and got a "Yeak". Why, for fuck's sake? The two worst acts were up for eviction! We couldn't learn any more on who was going, as "Here come four artists . . . " came out of Holly's gob at 97mph and 117db. Tom's team sang something that was okay.
Danny's acts (no, they're not fucking 'artists') were next, and Hannah and Max were left to the mercy of Danny. We flicked over to Reggie in the "V-Room" to waste two-and-a-half minutes of life before finding that Jessie was saving Toni. No surprise, because Ruth was shit. "You've come such a long way" means little, other than it's a long way back again. Apparently "it's not the end" (but of course, it is).
Danny saved Max and Hannah had to go. This shows what a fucking mess these competitions are, and why no one should let himself or herself be bothered. Both of Jessie's acts were worst than Danny's, and should have gone home.
The Farce continues next week.
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