Police
Many thousands of leaflets have been printed (most of which go in the bin without being read at all) and so I thought I'd take a look at the content. The first appalling aspect is the front cover of the thing. It's basically an A4 sheet of paper folded in half, to give four sides of A5. On the front, below the logo of the local force (yes I know, a logo for the police! However, I've have posted enough shit about straplines and logos and bollocks from the police already) is a wonderful statement:
We're working to keep crime falling
. . .
and to protect your police service...
How on earth did some arsehole decide this was a useful and appropriate statement? Fucking incredible. The first part is nothing less than I'd expect. I do not need to be fucking told what the police force is supposed to be doing, thank you! "Catching Cunts" would have been catchier, in my book. The second part, though, is quite frankly unbelievable - although I am looking at it now, and so have proof of some twat's pathetic attempt at being a clever. If the police force is working to protect MY police service, then it's not doing its fucking job. The police should be protecting me, not itself! Further, the fucking cheek of using the word "YOUR" is amazing. This is not a pissing M&S advert. When will companies and institutions get a grip, and stop being lulled into making crappy statements using the latest buzz words and phrases. Which "touchy feely cunt' dreamed this up?
The first bit on the inside page states "The Authority's key responsibilities are to:
It then lists a few thing in bullet point form, starting each one with "To . . . . " which renders the "to" in the leading line, or every "To" in the points as superfluous. Illiterate nobs.
The next bit is headed "Reducing Crime - And Boosting Confidence" but it's not immediately clear why the police should be boosting confidence. Does that mean boosting their own confidence, because let's face it, their never confident about catching people. If you've been burgled or had your car/property damaged, you'll know full well that the police input (three days after the event) is to turn up and go "there, there" after first saying, "I'm sorry to say that the chances of catching anyone are rather slim." Slim! Slimmer than a washing line prop, I reckon! The police could certainly do with a confidence boost. Or, does the statement suggest that the police force is now undertaking a role of helping morale in place of social services, or under a new offshoot called Training & Help For the Timid (THEFT). I'm sure there are others who could do with some confidence building, just as there are others whose confidence in the economic climate could do with pepping up! I then read on to see that the force is talking about people's confidence in the police. The comment that in the whole force's area, there are 30,000 fewer crimes 'recorded' than 20 years ago means fuck all to me - I wasn't living in the area twenty years ago, and in anither twenty years I'll not be comparing results, as I'll be elsewhere, or dead. It seems the local force "remains top of the confidence figures issued nationally" and over 85% of those questioned are confident. Hmmmm, so let's see; 15% of, say, a million people is 150,000. I wonder if this is the same figure as people who are pissed off with the police, and think that the police force is underperforming, based on actual experience ie. victims of crime, or those who have seen the odd police car drive by with two blokes in it, but haven't seen a beat policeman for 17 years - and I do not count the CP3O bods who aren't really given anything to work with but a similar uniform.
Under "Meeting The Financial Challenges" there's a chance for a further display of poor English, with the misuse of an apostrophe, and a missing comma.
"In a service where the vast majority of resources are spent on employee's reductions in the number of Officers and staff are inevitable."
The table on page 3 tells me fuck all of value, and at the bottom I can see that this year I'm paying the police £9.50 more to do whatever it is that this entity claims to do.
On the back page, under "The Future - Police and Crime Commissioners" there is a lot of small print. The very first line contains a howler:
"In September last year the Police Reform and Social Responsibility Act received Royal Ascent."
I think the twat producing this was thinking of Royal Ascot, or is generally devoid of thought. Either way, he or she is a nob. It's Royal ASSENT !!!
This balls-up makes the bullet point - "Ensuring the Chief Constable fulfills their duties . . ." seem almost (but NOT) acceptable.
Fire
This leaflet starts off with a moan about budget cuts and how "We have to look at more innovative ways of delivering our services in the future." You don't deliver services, you put out fires and cut people from wreckages - that's not delivering. "We have restructued to ensure that more of our services are delivered directly to you from our local fire stations." What the fuck does this mean? More services are now 'delivered' from a fire station locally? That's your pissing job; come to my house, and if it's on fire, put the cunt out! If you want to call dousing my house with 28,000 gallons of water via hosepipes "delivering water" then so be it, but I'm not happy with the term because you're hardly going to knock and wait for an answer, or direct everything through the letterbox, are you!
The priorities for 2012/13 seem rather obvious and not really worth detailing. I'm not sure on the merits of including this tosh.
We will continually work to achieve our vision just get some specs, then by focusing on the following priority areas:
- continuing to provide an excellent emergency response provision So, you're going to carry on doing your job then, eh? By the way, providing a provision is mumbo jumbo!
- improving domestic, industrial and road safety within out communities So, "Improving safety" then. Why embellish it with nothing of value?
- improve our neighbourhoods by tackling arson and anti-social behaviour Since when did you take over from the police in tackling behaviour, and I'd expect you to "tackle" arson, because I call that "Putting a fire out", where I come from.
- continuing to support the health, safety and wellbeing All sounds a bit "spiritual" to me - do you use crystals? of our communities and provide opportunities for young people Hang on, I thought the job centre was where young people go to get opportunities; can't you just put out fires, and left opportunities to others?
- helping the environment through improving our buildings, fleet and reducing our carbon footprint Sorry, this all sounds a bit shite to me, because I'm not that fussed about your buildings, or whether your dart board is a Winmau or not - and as for carbon footprints, if your treading in the stuff all the time, wipe your feet / fleet!
"Our achievements in the last five years" comes next, with a claim to have reduced vehicle arson by 67%. Excuse me, but unless the Fire Service was lighting its own fires, I think that it's the arsonists' change of vocation that has led to the reduction! Deliberate house fire have been reduced by 49%. That's got everything to do with people not deciding to torch their homes, so I'm not sure of the basis for the Fire Service taking credit (?)
On the last page, some stuff about the 'vision' confirms intent to "support the wider agenda of social inclusion and cohesion, neighbourhood renewal, health and crime reduction." "WIDER AGENDA?" Wide of the cuntin mark, I'd say! This extra shit is shit on top of shit. Leave cohesion to Evo Stik, social inclusion to the government and the social services, neighbourhood renewal to the council, government and developers, health to the fucking NHS, and leave crime reduction to the pissing police! Just play darts, pool and cards, and put out the odd fire - or tip a cat off a branch.
Then, we have an apostrophe fuck-up. A woman describing herself as "The Chair" (I'd have said the Wooden Top") signs off just after some further waffle about "achieving this vision whilst addressing it's financial challenges." ITS IS NEVER POSSESSIVE !!! A 4% increase on the back of this drivel is a liberty!
Lastly, there's a bit of blurb at the bottom, which starts: "If you require this document translated into another language, please . . . . ." Yes please, luv - how about English!
Council
The Council leaflet is of slightly higher quality, with a glossy finish. Obviously the cost-cutting hasn't stretched to the paper used to tell people about increased bills. The content is of no real interest - it's the usual stuff. However, I must mention a few things that the Council is going to be spending money on, under various catgories noted as 'Priority Objectives'.
Gross Expenditure £8,053,000 Net Expenditure £2,478,000
To reduce the prevalence of obesity through increased participation in physical activity and improve diet and nutrition. Two-and-a-half million quid to tell fat people to eat less, and/or fewer pies and cakes.
Gross Expenditure £ 676,000 Net Expenditure £ 125,000
To reduce alcohol related harm To stop people drinking themselves to oblivion.
Gross Expenditure £ 676,000 Net Expenditure £ 125,000
To reduce smoking prevalence with a particular focus on supporting maternal smokers and their families. To stop people smoking, especially young mums, as they sit collecting benefits in their paid-for homes, hopefully not drinking themselves to oblivion as well.
Gross Expenditure £143,780,000 Net Expenditure £16,771,000
To raise aspiration and achievement and narrow the achievement gap across all age groups.
I am not sure exactly how the council 'raises aspirations' but at a hundred and forty three million quid, I think I'd like to know!
Gross Expenditure £12,802,000 Net Expenditure £9,645,000
To develop more Council and pertner services locally through the expansion of neighbourhood working. That's a lot of money to allocate to chewing the fat over getting stuff done in neighbourhoods!
All in all, then, a thoroughly pointless and disappointing level of input by the Council. It may as well have said: "3.5% increase on last year for the same crappy service, bins not emptied weekly, and no cunt to feign interest when you call us."
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