Here are some questions that might feature in this year's GCSE paper.
- Which cunt decided that Jonathan Ross was funny enough (I know, how preposterous is that!) to feature in the Channel 4 benefit comedy gig, in aid of Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital?
- Is there nothing that Gok Wan won't do on TV?
- "Carmen Electra is devoid of personality, talent and screen presence." Discuss.
- Who is the more annoying - David Tennant or Stephen Tompkinson? [Extra marks will be awarded for identifying useless traits, such as shit accents, use of raised eyebrows, nauseating delivery of speech and general woodenness. [Comments on bulging eyes or use of the phrase "Dup/Dupe" will not attract extra marks, as these facets are fucking obviously flaws and recognisable by a blind toad.]
- Explain why The Voice is not actually all about 'The Voice'.
- Danny O'Donoghue could gurn for Ireland. Discuss, making reference to Les Dawson, and potatoes.
- TV Cooking is prevalent, but does not feature enough transvestites. Explore the opposing views on the benefits of cunts in the kitchen, versus wankers in wigs with willies and woks.
- "Antiques are old hat." Discuss, within the context of Flog It! and Bargain Hunt.
- The BBC favours the Labour Party. Discuss this fact.
- "River Cottage Bites, Carol is Smillie, but Barkley Gnarls." Discuss the linguistics and possible advertising endorsement by Knorr.
- Why is the fucker in the corner on 'Sign Zone' so big?
- Is Clare Balding? Discuss.
- Which cunt thought roulette was the way forward for late night and early hours television?
- Explain the rationale behind ITV's decision to show highlights of the Champions League final, after a 45 minute lead up, 90 minutes of football plus a half time 'analysis' and then a further half hour of play followed by fucking penalties. For clarity, please include suggestions on why the three-and-a-half hours was not enough, and despite running massively late and having a fucked-up schedule, ITV needed to air, straight after the News At Whatever Fucking Time It Was, another dose of football!
- Is there anything that Richard Hammond can do without annoying the fuck out of viewers? [Advice Note: Do not allocate more than 10% of your answer to highlighting that his input on Total Wipeout is shit, because it will most likely be scrapped after Argentina's deplorable actions in recent weeks]
- Should Will.i.am be allowed on TV, or should common sense prevail and he be erased? Discuss.
- Katie Price and Amy Childs. Why? How?
- Discuss how the world of insurance has been fucked up by excessive advertising, leading to increased premia for every policy under the sun.
- Discuss (money aside) whether comparing 'Take Me Out' to a 'red light district' is fair.
- A single (30 minute) Eggheads programme could be speeded up, and thus condensed into a slot of just ten minutes. Whilst this is a known fact, discuss (a) whether this woud devalue the entertainment value, and (b) whether it might not be worth condensing by a further eight minutes.
- Robert Peston should be banned from television, unless there is no sound. Highlight just fifty of the benefits that such a policy would bring to the UK.
- Was Katie Price's box overvalued at £50,000? [For clarity, this refers to the Celebrity Deal or No Deal 'box' and is not a euphemistic term.]
- Is Kate Humble? Discuss.
- Explain the absence of anything being found in an attic (apart from Adrian Gurvitz) in Cash In The Attic.
- Explain why TV weather forecasters induce rage in the average viewer through use of poor grammar, a weird turn of phrase every 7.2 seconds, inappropriate winking, and complete ignorance of meteorological matters. Examples of 'forced chuminess' and 'faux familiarity' will gain extra marks.
- All programmes including "Big Fat" in the title are complete bollocks. Discuss, with reference to gypsies and at least one other group.
- Is it right to give Caroline Flack? Discuss.
- Which should be permamently removed from TV first - The Apprentice, or Barbara Windsor? Give your reasoning.
- How do millionaires being followed by a Channel 4 film crew maintain their 'secret' status? Explain how you think twats don't cotton on to the set-up, or how they maintain a front if you think they are aware and want to keep quiet to get something.
- Suggest how many more cunting miles of coastline there are to be explored and aired on 'Coast', with your expectations of how many TV-hours this will involve.
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