This palaver over two nights has seen the four judges each pick their top three from the seven still in. With just 80 seconds to warble well enough to be selected, the singers each bored the arse off us with their desperate pleas and the tired phrases that are trotted out in such circumstances. Yawn.
Kylie's rabble was up first, and it was clear that it was going to be difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. The overly theatrical (and totally pointless) banging of the big button before announcing the name of the one going through was laughable. All the acts wanted to go through to "The Lives", the appalling shorthand term used by all to refer to the live shows. Kylie picked Lee first, and then opted for Jamie, who'd wailed Sex On Fire which I found annoying. The slightest delay by Kylie allowed Marvin to press her for an answer, with: "Who's getting the last crucial place in your team?" I wondered, briefly, what constituted a "crucial place", and whether Marvin passed any GCSEs. Rachael got the last place, not based on having the best voice, heaven forbid, but no doubt because she's sweet and sixteen years old.
Tom had a much easier job of picking his final three acts, simply because the quality of his seven was poor. Celestine sang, but was nothing special at all. Melissa copied this format, telling us she wanted to "strip it back" which is another wayof saying "fuck up the song" that Joan Jett had made a worldwide hit. Gary was so mediocre it was forgettable. I started (very, very briefly) to sympathise with Tom, but then checked myself and let the twat carry on with his wooden approach to any form of interaction. Sally (the old dear) and Georgia were no-brainers, so it was simply a question of who would make up the number for the last slot. The very average 'Bizzi' was given the nod, mainly because of his gospel roots and style, which at least marked him out as slightly different, even if not really talented.
Ricky and his band of mainly women 'entertained' us next. Fuck knows what shite (La La La) Jessica was singing about, but I didn't like it. Chris sang Over The Rainbow and was different enough to get through. Jazz said in the preamble that she "Wanted to go all the way" which no doubt was exactly what Ricky wanted to hear. Her voice was good, though. Max, one of only two chaps in his seven, was fourth to perform, and sang a Gabrielle Aplin song (Home) and didn't just murder it, he buried it six fucking feet under fr good measure. "Make some noise for Max" said Marvin. Why would I want to copy Max, and just make noise? Emily managed to scream and warble while stomping around the stage. Hoping the song choice would allow her to show off her voice to Ricky was not the best policy, as again, the noise level was annoying. Christina, Jazz and Chris was Tom's view. Will.i.am opted for Chris and Christina as well, along with Jessica. Kylie didn't want to say anything. Ricky picked Chris first to go through. Next was Christina, who was excellent. Ricky was undecided about the third place, and told us it was "really tough". Apparently his basis for choosing was "what they can do, not what they have done". Oh, so no fucking point then in the performances, Ricky? What I like most was that Beth, his 16-year-old, who went out, managed to smile all the time, while others snivelled and wimpered.
Will: "Each and every single one of you guys are amazing". Ungrammatical ['are' instead of 'is'] Will presented us with James, first. His voice was clear and strong, although as with many performers, it turned into a bit of wailing. Iesher took to the stage, and Tom confirmed she is nineteen. I believe she will win, and should win. Excellent vocally. When I heard that first note she sang in the auditions, I thought she was super, as did Will, who turned immediately. My God, I am in synch with Will! Callum came on and made a complete racket, and Tom was right in looking nonplussed and confused - for once. Jermain wants to be the first black Prime Minister, as he never tires of telling us all. That, to me, is a basis for concentrating on others who want to sing. He told us he was going to pull out all the stops, and it was his moment to shine. Yawn. He sang well enough while boring the fucking arse off me. "Jermain, everybody", shouted Emma Willis, but no one seemed to know how to 'Jermain'. Anna McLuckie was next, and whilst she is sweet and individual, she is not very good vocally, other than having an individual tone. Borderline, even if quite faint, but nice as well. Nomakhosi is unique and positive. Sophie-May is also a one-off, and good. Hard choices for Will. Tom opted for Jermain (yawn). Will opted first for Iesher, then Jermain (yawn) and finally Sophie-May.
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