Last night I had the misfortune to see 'River Monsters' on the television. This hour-long offering was painful to watch, and involved Catfish being pestered to fuck for ages before being yanked out of rivers and taken off to be weighed as part of a shite competition.
The River Monster (on the right in the photo above) was none other than Jeremy Wade. This pain-in-the-arse managed to bore me to death with his pathetic tales, both in the egocentric footage, AND via the nauseating narrative. His monotonous voice droned on as he relayed his prowess, somehow thinking he was better than Chuck Norris! Permanently 'bigging himself up', the monster tried (but failed) to introduce drama, tension and danger to the scenarios. It was all about him. His inflated ego is simply embarrassing.
I have seen him once before, and I subsequently included his fish-pestering on a blog post. On that occasion, he had identified a fish that was supposedly rather dangerous, and was in the process of tracking it down. The fish was illusive, and so, not actually the threat that Mr Wade was trying to make out. In fact, it took him almost the whole programme to find the 'nuisance' fish. Any passing mind reader or fish whisperer would have found that the fish wanted to keep out of the way.
FISH - "I wish this cunt would stop chasing after me; I am quite happy keeping out of the way, despite my sharp teeth, but if this fucker insists on winding me up, then I'll have no choice but to prove that I can indeed bite off a bloke's cock in one nibble."
Anyway, last night, the monster managed to piss off three fish and take them to a field in the USA, where like-minded individuals all watched while fish were weighed. Wade's weighed the most and he won - just after he said, as narrator, that he was a bit nervous because his reputation had preceded him. Ha! Twat.
Yes, folks, there are lots of amazing creatures in the rivers of the world, all generally minding their own business, but the real 'monster' is Jeremy.
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Colossal bellend is Jeremy...though me and my wife cant help watching to see what level of macho sh*te he comes up with next....as I type he is narrating a tale of him nearly (its always something sensational: "nearly fatal" or "the results could be deadly") breaking his pelvis wrestling a fish..., our fave episode (ok - we have seen three) is when he is off chasing a myth from south America (he gets paid for these holidays!) where a river 'monster' has devoured three fishermen....of course its all bull and the 'monster' has claimed zero casualties (though it had left a small scar on someone) - what on earth will the next generation do when the only nature programs being churned out are in this sensationalist, tabloid TV format and there is no Sir David Attenbrough around? #doomedtoafutureofshitTV
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