As with previous posts, I think I will concentrate on logging some of the rather odd quotations. First, though, I must emphasise to the highest possible level (10 metres?) that Jo Brand has absolutely no business being on my TV screen. Can't she remain invisible, on some obscure radio show instead? She's not funny, has a stock of jokes that are pretty much of the same ilk, and manages to simply add one point to whatever Andy's score is, because she wants to be popular while knowing fuck all.
Vernon kicked us off with a shite introduction, saying what was lined up, and Gabby took over to complete the waffle with:
" . . and not one serious wardrobe malfunction."
Well, that's the important thing, eg? Fuck the diving, then. Anyway, that dress could have been wrapped around the neck a couple of times, for improvement, maybe. Just speculating.
This was the so-called semi-final. Now, in my mind, watching a semi-final requires there to be another one as well, so that someone or some people go through to the final from each programme. It seems that this week's semi-final (after 3 heats) is not going to be followed by three more heats and a semi-final. Instead, the finalists are simply a few of those competing tonight. This makes no sense.
Vernon: "Good dives from the heats count for absolutely nothing."
Thanks, Vernon; I could have told you that. And anyway, there were few dives in any of the heats that could be classed as 'good'.
Linda: "My heart rate is beating like a mad thing."
Thanks, Linda, for being so totally illiterate and displaying the grammar abilities of a peanut. Heart rates don't beat, and what sort of mad things beat?
Tom Daley proved that he is not above making basic errors in the formulation of useful contributions.
Tom: "They're doing harder dives from higher heights."
Anthony Ogogo (Go!)
The extended 'introduction' included the lame (ha!) update on Ogogo, who was still struggling after his injury last week. This is the chap whose "dive" was not a dive at all, despite the numerous references to it - "it" being a jump. Yes, he went into the water feet first, and hurt his foot. How did this 'Olympian' have the nerve to refer to it himself as a dive?
Ogogogo: "Diving in front of the country was scary."
Just as well he didn't then, eh? When he said; "I can't even dive now" I instantly though "you couldn't anyway". So we learned that oGogogogogog [isn't that a railway station in Wales?] was pulling out of the competition and I wondered why he was sitting with the divers, changed and ready. Seconds later the crowd for some pathetic reason gave a big cheer in recognition of his ability to stand up wearing small trunks, without pike, and feet-fucking-first again! As for his inane chatter, he made Joey Essex seem almost mute in comparison.
Omid Djalili
He dived from the top board again, this time moving his arms a bit, towards his knees for half a second, before hitting the water. Some of the input was pathetic; obviously Jo Brand was a waste of a lot of space.
Leon: "You stood there on the end of the board as if you owned it." [WTF?]
Leon: "I believe you've got short arms so you can only touch your knees."
Gabby: "Omid was the first celebrity to break the 10m board of course." [Carelessly or on purpose?]
Tom: "Tonight Omid jumped in the right direction." [What, downwards?]
With scores of 7, 8 and 7, we moved on. That was the end of interaction with Omid, for the time being, but in the lead up to the commercial break, Gabby Logan got rather smutty with a taste of what was to come:
"Coming up interior designer Linda Barker."
Linda Barker
The silly dance while disrobing was followed by the review of the week, and she came out with a couple of useful lines:
"The heat was incredible." [From what, exactly, we were not told]
"My big competition in the Semi will be from the boys." [Right, luv. Well considering that at the time of speaking, you were up against one other female and four blokes, this was an earth shattering revelation!]
Jo: "It was a beautiful dive and it was executed beautifully." [Sadly unlike you, Jo]
With 8, 9 and 8.5, Linda was hyped and chatty as ever, and pleased with 25.5/30.
Jake Canuso
Leon: "I'm so glad that I decided to put you through in the 'Splash Off'." [Leon, ensuring we think the judging is all about him]
Whatever Jo Brand said, trying to be funny about playing water polo and being on a horse was quite simply fucking painful. Jake scored 27, with a nine from all three judges. Jo obviously fucked up because in her own world, she needs to score out of 11, so that she can add one point and give a 10 without a dive being perfect. Gabby Logan then rounded off Jake's segment [no, that's not a euphemism] with a pathetic mention of attire.
Gabby: "Nobody's even mentioned your trunks - that's how good your dive was." [Twat]
Then, after this shite comment, she was at it again with the smut, with:
"Coming up television presenter Charlotte Jackson."
Charlotte Jackson
Vernon took the lead after the break, waffling about the show upholding the Olympic values of higher, longer, faster, after which Gabby chipped in with:
"Wetter, braver, tighter."
I wondered if she was becoming horny, daring and clenching her cunt muscles, but decided that was unlikely.
Vernon: "Charlotte, we've just seen that you hit a wall this week."
I looked at Charlotte, and I did think her jaw was just a touch squarer than normal, and that there was make up in place that was clearly trying to help her achieve good looks. It did seem rather cruel of Vernon to pass comment in this way though - certainly not the best chat-up line I've ever heard.
After Charlotte (still sporting a white plaster on her broken toe) fell head first into the water, the announcer announced (blimey, someone in a role who can fulfill it, unlike the fucking ball boy at Swansea!) "Charlotte Jackson can dive". The trouble was that he spoke in a way that made the 'v' seem rather silent. After Jo made a pointless utterance, we heard from Leon, who was emulating Gabby with dodgy, smutty input:
Leon: "I really do feel for you."
With a 6, 7 and 6, the 19/30 was a weak score, although not nearly as weak as the useless comment from Gabby, who's clearly been spending too much time with Jo Brand:
Gabby: "If you think Charlotte's drive was toe-tally terrific, then dial . . . blah blah."
Vernon was not a lot better, managing to make himself look dumb as fuck with each of two comments. He asked Tom in the round-up chat whether the broken toe had "hindered her journey". Journey! What the fuck? Then, when Charlotte arrived to join in, Vernon asked her about the mental block she'd had, regarding being able to dive. She said she'd managed to overcome it.
Vernon: "I'm still in the middle of mine." [You said it, you chump!]
Eddie The Eagle Edwards
I started to wonder if Eddie had taken a job as a scaffolder or had turned into a thug, what with all the comments about raising the bar, and:
"You ripped the roof off in your heats."
ETEE scored 29/30. It should have been more of course, not because the two chaps should have given more than 9.5, but because Jo should have been able to award more than 10. I don't know about being capped, but she surely should be gagged. ETEE is a nice bloke who seems genuine and quite humble, yet dedicated and eager. If there was any room for another 'E', then I think 'Eager' would suit.
Review and Results
Vernon: "Charlotte, you're at the bottom of the leader board; are you worried?"
This dumb-arse question of the day was met with the appropriate answer from Charlotte.
Charlotte: "Well, I'm at the bottom - so yes."
What riveting television and discourse, eh? This proves Vernon is worth every penny of his fee - if his fee is £7.99.
Gabby is no better, and the excited Linda was interrogated after getting through automatically.
Gabby: "Where can you go with your diving."
Linda was so desperate to maintain excitement, to talk and to be gushing that she completely missed the obvious response of:
"Towards the fucking water, you thick twat."
Jake made it through on the three-way 'Splash Off', and it was at this point I realised that he, Linda and ETEE would be the finalists, and that there would be no more heats and a second semi-final to find three more divers for a final.
...
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