24.1.13 Contactless Transactions

The world has gone fucking mad.  We are herded around like sheep by institutions and companies, and given ample evidence on a regular basis that this is not a free cunting country - it's a Cuntry.

My latest gripe is about 'Contactless', the system for making payments by doing fuck all other than holding up a plastic card near a sensor.  I was actually quite happy writing cheques, until every fucking retailer in the land decided to ban them as a means of taking money off me.  I was therefore forced to choose either a credit card, a debit card or use that old favourite, cash.  For a fair while, now, I've opted most commonly for the latter.  With this system, I have cash in my pocket and physically hand over whatever is required when I want something.  Fortunately we've moved on from the bartering system, so when I recently had my hair cut by Tony, he took seven pound coins off me.  Not a rabbit, or a promise to fix his fucking guttering, but some fucking coins.  Before I went to the barbers, I checked my pocket and made sure I was leaving the house with some money to pay him.  It all worked out rather well, and I got a 'Number 4'.

I do use a card, usually online, although from time to time, I enter my PIN for a card if I've less than enough cash on me.  The PIN has for a long time been the standard way of making sure it cannot be used by anyone but me.  So, in the scenario of a lost wallet, my card is not much use because there's no PIN to go with it.  I would of course report the card lost, or stolen if appropriate, to ensure I minimised the chance of fraudulent transactions going through - although without a PIN that's hard - and to get a replacement after blocking the lost one.

Now we have Contactless - not a word in the English language, but that doesn't stop the CIC from deciding it is now a term worthy of recognition.  My debit card runs out in February, and in today's post I received a replacement, along with a leaflet explaining the new function.  I read the leaflet, and saw the little symbol on the card to confirm its new powers.  I was not happy at all.  It was time to investigate.

My concern is that I do not want the responsibility of owning a card which in the wrong hands can be used to obtain goods (albeit up to only £20 on any one transaction) without any request for a PIN.  This seems a bizarre step in a world where security is more and more of a worry, fraud is on the increase, and risk is apparently something to be reduced whenever and wherever possible. Further, we are constantly told that CHOICE is the Holy Fucking Grail.  It seems not.  I called the Co-op.  The Co-op is itself a 'contactless' bank, because I have little chance of any real contact, what with there being no branch for 38 miles!  Sarah answered, after two barriers.  I skipped the first one with a quick press of the # button, but had to wait for the next four options to roll out before I could 'hold' for a human; alas, I got Sarah.

Sarah was chirpy enough for 10pm, but dim as fuck when it came to appreciation of my views and any ability to empathise, explain or provide peace of mind.  My first question, after explaining receipt of the new card, was to ask if it is possible to have a debit card that is NOT Contactless.  She said is was NOT possible to have a debit card that is NOT Contactless, and my disappointment was immediate and severe.  I therefore had little choice must to seek peace of mind regarding the outcome should I lose the card and it be used by some cunt in an unauthorised fashion - the only fashion if I've lost it and a cunt is using it!  Dim Sarah was not being obtuse for effect - she was simply dim.  She was struggling with the concept of a card being used by someone who didn't own it.  With some pain to my brain, I was forced to paint her a picture [Edvard Munch sprang to mind] whereby I lost the card, and before I could report it stolen, someone had used it three times and obtained £75 worth of goods.  I wanted to know whether I'd get my £75 back.  "Yes" was her answer, although it came with a caveat made of shite that included waffle involving 'fraudulent', 'reporting stolen' and 'PIN'.  The leaflet that came with the card specifically mentions how a PIN will be asked for from time to time, to improve security.  I translated that in my mind to: "A shop assistant will now and again ask for, or be prompted to ask for, a PIN to provide SOME CUNTING LEVEL OF SECURITY RATHER THAN NONE, so that here and there, the bank can 'stop the rot' if a cunt has got hold of a card."  I did not relay that word for word to Sarah, though.  I think they record these calls.

Sarah tried to tell me that all would be well because of this 'added security' and I suggested to her there was no 'addition', seeing as until now, a PIN was needed for every transaction.  She switched her approach to telling me of the £20 limit, so all would be okay, with such a low level.  I dared to suggest that because my cards are not the centre of my life, it could be a while before I noticed it missing, by which time someone could have cost me £20 . . . . six times!  I also dared to suggest that if the person using my card pretended to have forgotten the number (especially when the card is called 'Contactless') they'd be allowed to proceed, or at least walk away without being collared, because Hilda on checkouts at the local Cunt-op is NOT 'Good With Food', although she certainly IS 'Tetchy With Technology'.

Sarah listened to my suggestion that this was a bizarre approach by a bank in increasing security, reducing risk and helping customers, and she decided that this was her cue to let me know there is no evidence that fraudsters are targeting Contactless cards.  I considered that it will only be a matter of time before the CIC realise there's a loophole being exploited by criminals, but decided against arguing on this point with Sarah, who was struggling (mentally) with this conversation and the concept that everything would not simply work out fine all the time.  I finished by extracting one more affirmation that use of the card not by me before I report it lost or stolen will lead to reimbursement. After confirming this, she went back to breathing every five seconds, swimming around her bowl, and ignoring the trail of shit floating from her arse.

I logged on to the Co-op Bank's website.  At first glance I saw nothing to help me regarding Contactless, but the 'search' feature seemed a good starting point.  I entered 'Contactless Cards' and was presented with (in the style of Google) a query that said: "Did you actually mean Compactness cards?"  No, I fucking didn't!  I finally found what I needed - well, the section, anyway.  Talk about side-stepping the fucking question.  First up, on the FAQs:

Q: "Can I opt out of having Contactless?"

A: The Contactless payment option will be introduced on most of our card numbers over the next two years.  Contactless offers you a new way to pay although you will continue to have the option to pay using your PIN."

You thick twats - it's not me I am worried about; I want you not to give ME the option to use my own fucking card with a PIN if I'd like that, but to MAKE everyone use a PIN for security.  Seeing as you won't do that, I want a NonContactless card, please! Does that make it a Contact card?  If that's what I've got (that is valid for five more weeks) then yes!  Having a section for FAQs, and completely failing to answer the very first question, a closed question at that, is obscene.  Elsewhere, I noted that reimbursement would be forthcoming as long as I am not "negligent".  There is no definition of this, so I assume that if I accidentally leave my wallet on the back seat of a taxi because it falls out of my jacket pocket, I've been negligent in not looking after it properly.

I remain unconvinced, and wishing that the Co-op was Cuntless.

[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]