7.1.13 People In The News This Last Week

Naomi Campbell

I read in Saturday's paper of the plight of Ms Campbell, and found it rather hard to have any sympathy whatsoever.  Two blokes tried to grab her bag in Paris, and she suffered a leg injury.  It turns out she had a torn ligament - something established by specialist and top surgeon, J Richard Steadman, based in Colorado.  This assessment was made after Ms Campbell had returned there via private jet.  I suppose having a billionaire boyfriend allows that sort of thing to be totally normal.  I suspect that her choice of boyfriend may just have taken into consideration his financial status.  The picture of her in a wheelchair revealed in me a nasty trait because I actually found it amusing.  On reflection, I think this is probably quite normal considering the last news about her included her dubious links with blood diamonds, and with physical attacks on women who have been on the wrong side of her temper.

Paul Mason

I cannot be alone in being rather revolted by pictures of Mr Mason, both before his weight loss, when he was 70 stone, and now, at 24 stone.  I've heard of the term 'bingo wings' of course, but I've never had to consider what the next massive step up might have to be known as.  The flaps of skin are like the wings of a Vulcan bomber.  Yes, it's commendable to lose lots of weight, but why was he so fucking big in the first place?  The taxpayer has paid for the operation for the gastric band, and there's further work to be done - in terms of removing the 8 stone of excess flab and skin.  The total cost of trying to get him to lead a normal life has been estimated at around £1million.  Obscenity of the highest order to match obesity of the highest order.  I despair at this country's inability to prioritise, and to properly administer funds obtained through taxation.  Meanwhile there will be some poor cunt who needs a new knee or hip, but who will be told to wait five years in the hope that death will come sooner, thus saving the NHS money.  Madness.

Melanie Sykes

Apart from the annoyance of inane and insincere chat on the TV adverts for "Take A Break" magazine [having driven us all mad for two years by uttering the word "shoes" in the Wynsors adverts], I am forced to see her trying to look sexy on the magazine cover of Fabulous that comes free with The Sun.  I am also tired of hearing that this 42-year-old has a 26-year-old toyboy fiance.  There is so very much more that is newsworthy in the world, and so many more interesting people on whom we could concentrate our attentions.  I thought Mel was safely contained in a dead slot on ITV just before lunchtime (a zone that I can and do successfully avoid every day of my life) with an excited bloke called Gino.  Can someone please put her back there.

Richard Bacon

The Clarkson column was missing from this Saturday's paper, so Richard Bacon stepped in.  He said a few things that were okay, and highlighted the horrendous over-exposure of Emeli Sande in an amusing way.  I endorse his views, but would have been more impressed if during the over-exposure, he'd at least managed to glean how her name is spelt.  He kept referring to her as Emile Sande, and all 'Emile' demands as the next word is Heskey.  I believe he's now rather under-exposed, and it's not easy to read all about it.

Paloma Faith

She is most definitely entertaining and talented, and in my opinion very interesting.  It was a 'comedy gold' moment when she was sitting at a table as Jules Holland interviewed E.L.James, author of 50 Shades of Grey, during his New Year's Eve show.  Why on a music show Ms James was given air time I am not sure, but when Jules announced who she was, and referred to the book, Paloma giggled and revealed to someone alongside her that she'd just put the book in Room 101.  Fantastic!

Mario Balotelli & Luis Suarez

Mario is simply a waste of space, never worth his wages.  He sets a poor example and has an awful attitude to everything.  Suarez, on the other hand, is massively more talented and an asset on the pitch when behaving himself.  Alas, he manages to cheat and behave like a complete twat on a regular basis, and display traits that make him unlikeable.  Deportation has never been more appropriate.

Cristina Kirchner

Oh dear, luv . . . . you've come a cropper with your new efforts to draw attention to the Falklands and the dubious Argentinian claim on them has any substance.  This is a tactic on her part to deflect attention from the mess that her country is in.  Yet again, she is being a fucking nuisance and hoping to escape respnsibility for her government's disasterous efforts.

Helen Flanagan

Please will someone (not her parents, as they clearly don't keep her in check) tell her that she needs to stop courting public attention, and stop pouting.  I have no idea who these men are that apparently find her and those like her in any way attractive.  Am I alone in finding her no more than average to look at, but totally deficient in anything of interest in all other departments?  As for her getting a couple of A Levels, I suspect that she'll not manage such a feat, considering blow-drying her own hair is beyond her.  The benefit to mankind of her passing exams in History, Psychology and Religious Studies is obviously nil.  I sincerely hope that we are not going to be force fed pictures of her in the same way that Kelly Brook is plastered all over the papers.

Sylvain Longchambon

Does anyone really care what he gets up to?  It seems we're forced to know the ins and outs of his split with Jennifer Metcalfe whether we like it or not, and how he's besotted with Samia Ghadie.  This will all end in tears, and I am already bored to death of the denials, explanations and excuses that are coming my way in future reports.  Get back to Corrie, 'Maria' and Mr Longchambon, maybe you might want to exercise your skills with women back in La France?

Adele

Well done.  However, I am bored of all your songs, now, so it would be nice to get a new set of them this year.  I am afraid I could not stand a third year of '21' being top of the pops.  Now that the Olympics is gone, and Emeli Sande has had a go, please come back with something new asap.  Thanks.

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