The first of ten programmes was put out on ITV1 tonight, and was rather uninspiring. The main thing I learned was that nice as Ashley Roberts was on I'm A Celebrity, she is not really an asset on DOI. Sadly her inputs amounted to over use of the phrase "having fun" (something which contestants should never do as a replacement for the task in hand) and the word "sassy". I suspect that unless someone has a word with her, she'll be a pointless addition to the panel.
As well as the above, I was reminded of a few other things, things that I already knew. For example, that Christine Bleakley is a complete waste of space/money/time/teeth and managed to annoy me as usual. As for that dress, WTF? I was reminded that Torvill & Dean never have anything useful to say at all, and manage to sit on the fence always. I was reminded that Philip Schofield is boring. I was reminded that Brianne if fit.
Samia Ghadi
She made a mistake straight away by dancing to Rihanna, and 'Shite Like a Diamond'. Never was I more pleased to find the skating was limited to 90 seconds, saving me from insanity through exposure to earache. We had Tony Gubba confirming Samia did a "Floating Teapot with Splits", although I never saw that. Stupid references to diamonds, sparkling eyes, rocks and cubic zirconia followed.
Keith Chegwin
Before we saw what he'd been up to, Bleakness rattled off a list of injuries that had befallen stars in the past, and sadly this did not include a wrung neck for herself. Instead, we learned of the broken shoulder and cracked ribs that Cheggers suffered a year ago. He chuckled, grinned and skated for a bit, and as Gubba later siad, included a manoeuvre called "The Hoover". Technically, this should of course have been referred to as "The Vacuum" because 'Hoover' is a brand name. However, I suspect he opted for this description so as not to confuse Keith's 'Hoover' with the 'Vacuum' between Bleakley's ears.
Beth Tweddle
Well, never graceful but clearly athletic and agile, she did some stuff that was good, but was certainly "robotic" as stated by Jason, much to the annoyance of Karen Barber.
Matt Lapinskas
I don't watch Eastenders, so was not aware of this chap. To learn that he has been a dancer for seven years was a surprise, and in my opinion a slight advantage considering the show is called Dancing On Ice. It was therefore no surprise at all to see him clear at the top of the table after they'd all danced.
Shayne Ward
I have no idea why he's been invited to participate, but he did move around, even if it was tentative and unentertaining. As Tony Gubba included in his round up, via the line: " . . followed by some arm choregraphy and a lunge . . ." there was nothing dynamic about the routine.
Pamela Anderson
For the second time tonight, I was disappointed at the music, because Emeli Sande hardly needs any more exposure, and I most certainly do not need to hear "Read All bout It" ever again. Apparently she was involved in a "Rotating Fish Lift" according to Gubba, and Ashley mentioned "sassy" yet again in her trivial round-up. All the others concentrated on 'bigging up' Ms Anderson for no worthwhile reason.
That was the first week's skating completed, although I must also mention that Bleakest updated us on a couple of tweets from Keith Lemon and Chris Moyles. I had no idea that people not invloved in the programme at all were allowed to get special mention and a chance to log their favourites on air. Do I give a fuck what Lemon and Moyles think about DOI performances? NO. I do not follow them on twitter for a fucking good reason - I don't want to know anything they might have to tweet, so I do not appreciate them getting through to me via IT-cuntin-V1.
Results
No great surprise to see the final three as Samia, Pamela and Keith, although I was surprised that Shayne was the first one saved. Anyway, Samia will get votes from Corrie viewers each week. So Pamela and Keith in the skate-off. When Keith said he'd picked the Omen theme to dance to, I thought it was a joke, but madly it was true. Pamela stumbled and had to hold in her tits, and before her dance finished, she'd pushed them around a couple of times more. It reminded me of someone on a Jet2.com flight stuffing her back into the overhead locker. She had to go.
So, Keith got through because Pamela's boobs tried to escape. Comedy gold !!!!!
Until next week, then, and here's one to think about: who the fuck is going to vote for Anthea Turner?
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