I managed to avoid all but a few minutes of the horrendous Take Me Out which followed, and nabbed 75 minutes out of the peak-time schedule, treating viewers to mind numbing shite from Paddy McGuinness. Why this bloke is in favour I've no fucking idea. As for the antics of the participants on the dire show, I can only summarise by confirming a complete lack of decorum by all, let alone talent or any notions regarding standards of behaviour. As for Paddy, why the hell does everything have to rhyme? How about a new one - "Let the bloke out front, see the cunt"?
Before we leave Paddy and Take Me Out, I should draw to your attention his other TV effort that's currently airing on Channel 4. Yes, I was fortunate enough to miss it myself, but some may have noticed a listing for Paddy's TV Guide at 10pm on Friday night. The rather flawed write-up was as follows:
"Paddy takes a comic look at the world of television, searching the archives to highlight the good and bad as well as airing clips of rarely seen shows from the past and present."
Well, as far as the 'bad' goes, he need not waste too much time in the archives, as he could concentrate his efforts a bit nearer to home. I'd applaud some honesty, should he decide to air clips from Take Me Out to illustrate dire television. As for taking a 'comic look', that'll be difficult seeing as he's simply NOT funny.
Sunday
Perhaps the programme with the most promising title and description was scheduled for 9.15am on BBC2. At the risk of sounding like Michael Portillo and his constant references to his Bradshaw's Guide, my TV Guide confirmed the following:
9.15 A to Z of TV Gardening Carol Kirkwood's journey through the world of TV gardening reaches the letter C.
I think we all know what that stands for, and there are lots of them about. The rest of Sunday was anticlimactic, apart from the skating that's on later.
Mon-Thu BBC2 The Great Comic Relief Bake Off
My problem with this programme is the so-called celebrities dragged into the baking. Comic Relief, as the fucking name suggests, is linked to comedy. Why then have we got participation from Stephen K Amos (the most unfunny man the BBC keeps touting) and the Watson & Oliver duo - 'weak' at best? As for Jo Brand, I suppose she'll be at home around cakes, but sadly all she uses for material (based on academic research of her performances over the last decade) is jokes about cakes, chocolate, and obesity. Sadly she did not submerge and stay there on yesterday's edition of Splash!
Further amazement must surely come from the inclusion of Duncan Bannatyne! What the fuck has he got to do with ANYTHING! He was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire a couple of weeks ago and was pathetic - I think he knew the answer to just one question. He was uncuntinqualified to be on that show because he is already a millionaire, and he is most certainly uncuntinqualified to be on this baking show - not because he cannot cook, or because he's not really a celebrity (just well off) but because he is NOT IN ANY FUCKING WAY 'FUNNY'. What bollocks! With perhaps less vehemence I will add that Claudia Winkleman ought to be elsewhere, along with explorer Simon Reeve and the token Blue Peter presenter. The obligatory 'Olympian' participation is by Helen Glover (who rowed a boat) as well as Ellie Simmonds for the Paralympians. Just for the record, the other non-funny participants are Kirsty Wark (who ought to be reading the news in a nasal tone) Martha Kearney (who should be on the radio) Julia Bradbury (who should be off walking somewhere). The only other non-funny person in the line up is Bob Mortimer.
All Week BBC2 Bowls
My TV Guide includes entries for 'Bowls' and 'Live Bowls' and the informative detail of the event: "The World Indoor Championships from the 'Potters Leisure Resort' in Norfolk." Sounds riveting.
Monday Night Double Bill
9.00pm Channel 4: Embarrassing Fat Bodies Digestive disorders and toilet habits.
10.00pm Channel 5: Botched Up Bodies A woman left with 10lb of excess skin after losing 15st.
That's a line up to whet your appetites, eh?
Tuesday - ITV 10.35pm River Monsters
"Jeremy Wade visits the Parana River in Argentina to search for the 'river dog', a deadly creature armed with a razor-sharp blade tipped with tissue-destroying venom." Let's all keep out fingers crossed, then, that he finds one - an irate one would be nice.
Wednesday - Channel 4 8.00pm Gok's Style Secrets
As ever, he is pissing about with woman (sometimes mauling them, but it's okay - apparently - because he's gay) and telling them they ought to have confidence, even if they are ugly or overweight or both. Does anyone know why he does nothing (style-wise) with men? This programme is not technically a repeat, but in real terms, it's the same old tosh as he puts out every time. NB There will doubtless be some 'recaps' and 'summarising', before and after each break, and nothing will be learnt by humanity about anything at all.
The rest of the week is just bland. As a result, I have looked to see what programmes might be improved if they were renamed, through losing just one letter. See if you can recognise the original programmes, and see how the revised name might provide a better basis for entertainment.
Cuntdown
Lose Women
Come Die With Me
Fur in a Bed
Rude Tub
This Wee
Celebrity Big Bother
Live Owls
Face the Cock
The missing letters, in order, are of course O O N O E K R B L.
Until next week, I'll leave you with a final pair of questions:
"What the fuck is Tim Brook-Taylor doing hosting a show (Animal Antics) on Saturdays?"
"What the fuck is Tim Brook-Taylor doing on television?"
...
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