It went wrong from the outset, what with Shayne Ward being introduced as a "Pop Star", and Christine Bleakley looking remarkably similar to a flexible plumbing connector. As soon as she explained the format and quipped, "The duel can be very cruel" I knew the show would be dire - and it was.
Gareth Thomas and Matt were instantly recognisable as characters in Brokeback Mountain, and Tony Gubba was given licence to mutter something about a "Saloon Bar Spin" in his summary, along with "Circling the Wagon Train".
I read in the paper that the producers had asked Jason and Ashley to get back to the UK asap, what with the weather affecting planes. Ashley rushed back from LA to ensure she appeared on tonight's show, although she may as well not have bothered. Her comment on the two blokes of the performance being "So fun" highlighted her pointless contributions.
The boxer (Luke) talked nonsense in the preamble to his duel with Samia, who'd struggled with injuries during the week. Luke was hardly eloquent or informative with his observation: "Because it's a duel, we both need to do it together." Thanks, Luke, you nob.
The comments afterwards were funny. I don't mean Gubba and his "Spirit of Ecstasy Lift" nonsense, but the onslaught from Jason, with "It was Olympically bad" and "You were dead in the face", directed at Luke. This was rather worse than his subsequent advice to Beth Tweddle: "You should be sick more often" following her improved performance over last time's effort, after a bout of illness in the week.
Oona Paloma Blanca smiled weirdly as usual, so was well matched with Tweddle. Shane moved so slowly I thought he'd take route. Anthea escaped the public vote by luck, but rest assured that the public will soon get a chance to confirm Anthea is not well liked.
The two laughable efforts at the end, from Joe Pasquale and Keith Chegwin, were amusing but at the same time annoying. As Jason later said to Joe, "You have the presentation and moves of Homer Simpson." Christine Bleakness was less useful, although remarkable astute, when she commented: "I loved that, but what do I know?" This is not the competition question, because it's too fucking easy to answer!
So, the public had a choice of five, and the dance-off was between Oona and Gareth - meaning that both were deemed worse than Joe Pasquale. Whilst he is quite funny, there is no place in a dancing and skating competition for someone who cannot dance and cannot skate. I fear that I may have to boycott DOI for a few weeks, to allow the pointless contenders to make their exits. A bit of drama at the end nearly brought some excitement to the show, and the possibility of no conclusion being possible was floating in the air for a minute or so. However, with a dislocated shoulder attended to (and 'popped back in') Oh No/Uno/Oona was able to skate much better than Joe, Keith, Anthea and Shane, yet go home.
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