18.1.13 Walnuts, Wales & Belgium

It would seem that the universally acknowledged units of measurement are in fact a weird collection of random things.

Raft

This means 'a lot'.  The term is used irrespective of the type of goods or items being discussed and whether they need a means of conveyance that caters for crossing water.  So, for example: "We have introduced a raft of measures to tackle crime."  The end result is of course that the culprit spewing this nonsense is dim and probably ignorant of the bollocks being spoken.

Wales

The principality is most often mentioned to demonstrate the size of something else, with a comparison to help thick people who would not otherwise be able to take in facts and figures.  For example: "The Amazon rain forest is disappearing at an alarming rate; every week we are losing an area the size of Wales."

Belgium

This is another unit of measurement, but more flexible.  Belgium tends to be used as a benchmark for all sorts of things, ranging from area, population and chocolate and anything deemed uninteresting.  Belgians themselves are often mentioned if blandness is called for - in much the same way as Germans are specified when there's a lack of humour.

Half a Yard

This is now set to replace the metric system, and its most common usage is related to sport, and most particularly to football.  No attacking player can score a goal without first "making half a yard for himself".  Commentary is frequently littered with players "grabbing half a yard" or, when unsuccessful in any attempt on goal, being offside by "half a yard".  The greatest advocate of this unit of measurement is of course Andy Townsend.

Walnuts

Historically, it's been brain size that has brought the walnut into common usage.  For example: "The stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut."  I am not sure that walnuts provide such a good benchmark these days.  I cannot say with any confidence what the volume of a walnut actually is, having not seen one for years.

Cooking Measures

No fucker over the age of fifteen even knows what half the measurements in cooking are.  "Add 75g of flour" becomes a nightmare; 75 millilitres of coconut milk is simply a nuisance.  A cupful of oats?  What size cuntin' cup?  As for a Tablespoon - no one uses tablespoons anymore!  "Cook at 175 degrees Fahrenheit for 17-20 minutes on the top shelf of a fan-assisted oven, turning occasionally, without using a baking tray" is the first half of an impossible maths question that asks the equivalent cooking time, if the temperature is 'Mark 5', the middle shelf is used instead, and there is no turning at all in a gas oven with no fucking fan to assist anything!

...