Michael Portillo is still on a fucking train, while Caroline Quntin is still pissing about in Cornwall. Meanwhile, later in the evening, there's a chance to see Embarrassing Fat Bodies at 9pm on Channel 4, before flicking over to Botched Up Bodies at 10pm on Channel 5. As ever, the quality of TV is poor.
Tuesday 15th January
On ITV, there's another episode of the awful River Monsters. The programme details in my guide are as follows: Jeremy Wade sets out to unmask the mysterious predatory creature in the Zambesi river - an animal that is said to swallow children and drag fishermen to their deaths (HD). Let's fucking hope so, eh? I'd like nothing better than watching in High Definition the demise of Mr Wade; fingers crossed for Tuesday, then.
On BBC2 at 9pm Dan Snow is doing something about the history of railways. Surely Portillo could have made notes on the way round and done this, saving the BBC all of Dan's wages. I suspect though that the BBC's weird and unexplained obligation to find Dan something to do is likely to outweigh the desire to get Portillo mentioning 'Bradshaw' any more than is necessary.
At 11.30pm on Channel 4, there's some more drama in Kavos. "A 19-year-old falls off a podium while drunk and suffers a suspected fracture, while a builder is told he may lose a finger after a drunken night out." The antics of these arseholes are pathetic and I find myself already feeling disappointed that the first guy might not get a fracture, and the second might keep his fucking finger. Far from being critical of these cunts on holiday, Channel 4 is glamourising the atrocious behaviour by filming it and suggesting we might give a flying fuck about drunken cunts annoying locals.
Wednesday 16th January
At 8pm on BBC1, my TV guide gives details of The Food Inspectors. Details given include: "An animal lover discovers how much bacteria is lurking in her kitchen as a result of giving her pets the run of the home." Now, "how much bactieria" is dire English considering bacteria is not a mass noun. This appalling grammar is sadly all too common. If I were a friend of this person, I think I'd never set foot again in the house, let alone the kitchen - and clearly eating anything would be suicidal. Still, I'd suggest watching this programme over the option on Channel 4, where Go Wank is divulging style secrets. Yes, Gok Wan is helping a 53-year-old who's not had a date for nearly twenty years.
Thursday 17th January
Yet another fucking serving of Winterwatch. Yes, following the Autumnwatch and Springwatch supposed 'successes', the BBC has racked its metaphorical brain to try and come up with another winner. Does anyone, like me, suspect the cunts will produce Summerwatch in the near future? Avoid this programme at all costs.
Over on ITV at 9pm, Trevor McDonald is visiting Death Row at Indiana State Prison. Unless someone can give me inside information that Trevor is going to remain there for the next 17 years, I'll not be watching.
Friday 18th January
On ITV, Ray Mears is still surviving, and is "teaming up with researchers from Leeds University to survey the bat population". I somehow think that doesn't involve a clipboard and asking the bats dumb-arsed questions.
In Room 101 on BBC1 at 8.30pm, Janet Street-Porter is the last of three guests - assuming, that is, that neither Greg Davies nor Ben Fogle has the sense and foresight to save us all by putting Janet in Room 101.
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