Another portion of this dire format was served up by Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan this evening. As ever, some of the one-liners were excellent at exemplifying just how awful the programme is. This week's effort was more of the same.
Gabby: "What a competition it's been." Hmmm . . I am not quite sure how to respond to that one, but I suppose I cannot argue with that simple statement.
Gabby: "Charlotte - the only girl through - good on ya." Yes, I recall now how the atrocious judging that basically manipulated the second place qualifier last week so that Charlotte was put through instead of the TOWIE tit. For some weird reason, there's a certain view that this is all about male versus female, or as is too commonly expressed, "Girls versus Boys" when there isn't a fucking girl or boy in sight, just older versions.
Tom: "When you stand on the end of the board it's one of the most lonely experiences of your life. It's just you and the board." Thanks for that, Tom.
Gabby: "What are the judges looking for in this competition?" Thanks, Gabby, for this shit question, allowing the same old shit to be trotted out about difficulty, movement through the air, entry into the - yes, you've guessed it - water.
Linda Barker
Linda: "That is obviously ten metres then." Linda Barker did herself proud with this comment, while pointing at the 10m board, which is rather high, as we've previously learned, and of course we've learned that "you can't go higher" from numerous twats. Linda was not in need of any microphone because as ever, she was able to project her voice (via the Suez Canal) to listeners in Malaysia!
Andy: "It would be fantastic to have another girl in there." Fuck off with this girl shit, and supposed male v female bollocks/labia. But, no, on he went.
Leon: "If you wanted to beat the boys tonight, they're going to have to come out all guns blazing." This is complete gibberish, and as far away from a sensible sentence in the English language as Leon could get.
Vernon: "Twenty-five-and-a-half; good for the girls, then." Arrrgh!
Gabby: "A barrel of superlative to choose from." Arrrgh! Arrrgh! Arrrgh! Morons!
Dom Joly
Gabby: "You look like a prisoner; have you captured the judges' hearts?" Yawn.
Donna Air
Over-rotation / brave / lines / potential / brave / Freya / blah. 17/30.
Vernon: "If you want to give Donna more air time . . . vote . .blah blah"
Tina Malone
Dom: "Tina Malone - drops like a stone." Funny, Mr Joly; funnier than fucking Vernon!
Tina: "I'm gonna give it as good as I can." Heaven help us all.
Gabby: "You did a lot of gymnastics as a girl and you could see that with your legs which were beautifully together." I want to be sick; what complete shite, and it's a pitty that Tina's lips were not as 'beautifully together' as her bloody legs.
Andy: "You had great body tension." What?!?! Twat!
Leon: "It doesn't get any easier than that but the journey you've been on . . . blah blah . . . what a performer." This, about a woman who we apparently "know best as an actress playing Mimi in Shameless", although I'm pleased to admit I've never clocked her before. To claim she's been on a fucking journey after a dive from three metres - I say 'dive' but mean falling in, in the style of Helen Lederer - is madness.
Tina: "If I go through, I'll do five." (ie. dive from 5 metres) At this point, I confirmed to anyone who could hear me:
TMWSC: "If she goes through, I'll eat my cunting hat!"
Tom: "That's the best one I've seen her do." This, about a dive that scored 13/30, even with Jo Brand being her pathetic self, and giving everyone more marks than could be justified.
In the closing moments of Tina's shameless performance, whereby she would not shut the fuck up, I decided I'd like no to see her again.
Anthony Ogogo
Anthony: "You probably best know me as a boxer from the Olympic Games, where I got a Bronze medal." Actually, Anthony (is it?) I didn't know you in any capacity at all let alone choose the 'best' option of boxing, and now that you bring up the (yawn) Olympics again, I can't say I'd have been able to place you at all. Thanks for clarifying boxing and bronze, as I'd never have guessed.
Gabby: "Wake me up before I go go." Wanker. Please be advised (and pass it on to Vernon in the break) that neither of you is fucking funny at all, so steer clear of lame efforts at comedy. As for waking you up, I'd prefer an approach involving a pillow and the verb 'To Smother'.
Gabby announced, after a pointless chat on the board, that Anthony (pronounced as Ansony by someone with a lisp) was going to "dive off this board". We then watched him . . . . jump???
That's right, he did a jump! Okay, he fell off the board slowly, backwards so he turned once in the air, but he still went in feet fuckin' first. There were numerous references to a 'dive' but I never saw one. Only Leon was prepared to say it how it was - that Ogogo had 'wimped out' by going in feet first. As for the other two judges using the word 'brave' to describe his efforts, I beg to differ. 22/30
Vernon: "If you thought Anthony's dive (???) was a knockout, then dial . . . blah blah."
Review
So, we needed a round up and heard from Linda, with: "It's a tough, tough journey." Oh, right. Vernon was able to help us understand that Linda is female. "Hopefully you'll represent the ladies in the semis." Idiot, Vernon. Ogogo: "I've hurt my foot." Vernon: "But are you pleased with your dive?" The correct (but unspoken) answer would have been - "I didn't cunting dive you twat, I just jumped in.
Andy: "We're looking at pushing boundaries." Yawn.
Gabby: "Jo, in the battle of the sexes, who's cracked it?" A better question might have been:
A: "Jo, what the fuck are you doing here?"
B: "Jo, are you here for the crack?"
C: "Jo, in the battle of the sexes, who's crack are you looking at?"
Leon: "I'd like to see him (Anthony) go in hands first; this is a diving competition." Well said.
Result
What a fucking fucking fucking cunting farce. Ogogogog got through immediately, after the public vote lifted him to first place. Yes, the jumper won the diving heat. Donna and Dom then were announced as going home. So, unbefuckinglievably, Tina Malone (drops like a stone) was threatening to make me eat my hat!
Seriously, though, there was never a chance of her going through in the most pointless 'Splash Off' there could ever be. Who are these morons with phones who decided that a flat dive from 3 metres by Tina, which scored 13/30, was somehow on a par with Linda's effort which was from 7.5 metres and scored 22.5/30.
At the end, the noise levels were agonising, as "girl Power" outdid anything that Duracell could have devised. Tina just would not shut up, Linda scared off pigeons on the roof at Luton as well as seagulls from the dockside in Grimsby, while Gabby gabbled like a giddy girl on speed. Shame no one could fill the pool with concrete and effect three nudges.
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