12.1.13 Splash! Kerplunk!

This has instantly become the programme that's so awful in just about every respect that it's in fact perversely quite addictive.  This week's offering and crowd-whooping nonsense was packed with interest, cliches, naffness and drippiness, as well as some good quotes, as shown below.

We were presented with two presenters whose attire was simply laughable. Vernon chose a navy blue shirt, brown shorts, black shoes and black belt (just beating Gabby's brown belt, although this is Diving not Judo) while Gabby's yellow dress was bright as hell.  As a pair they were simply odd.

Vernon: "It's really all to dive for."
Vernon: "They've each been on a journey and we want to see how they've coped with that"
Gabby asked Leon about over-rotation: "What is it, and why does it matter?" Well, to most of us, it really doesn't matter, but in terms of watching a diving programme, it does, and surely any cunt can work out what over-rotation means?

Joey Essex

"My name is Joey Essex and you might know me best from The Only Way Is Essex."  Thanks for that, Joey, as I'd never have guessed.

Joey can't talk intelligently or at a reasonable speed; he's simply hard work to listen to.

Gabby: "So Joey's problem is he over thinks - who'd have thought?" Excellent, Gabby!

Caprice

"I'm Caprice and you know me as a model."  Thanks, luv; not sure if you're being helpful, conceited or assumptive.

She was fine on the diving.

Tom: "Caprice for me is just the bravest thing I've ever met."
Leon: "To get back on the horse in such fine style with such tenacity is amazing."
Vernon: "It's paired off."  [This was northern for "It's paid off."]
Caprice: "It's been a real journey and real tough for me and uuurrrggghhhhh!"

Diarmuid Gavin

This was the Irish chap whose name is 'Dermot' but spelled weirdly, as is the convention in Ireland.

It wasn't good, so he'll no doubt be categorised in the Helen Lederer pot.

Andy: "We went a little bit soggy at the end."

Charlotte

The close-up of her feet revealed a broken toe in white bandaging, although all her other toes seemed deformed as well???  Still, her dive was rather good despite the simplicity.

Eddie the Eagle

Well done.  Gabby said: "Get ready for Eddie" and it was indeed worth the wait.

The padding, while votes were cast and counted, was provided by some people doing a variety of things.  Synchronised swimming is fine, and diving is fine, but dancing in a shite way on a diving board is hardly entertaining.  The inclusion of Robbie Williams (singing Candy) was a poor decision by someone and saw standards of entertainment dive even more.  Yet another break followed the 'music'.

The Result

Eddie was obviously the winner, and 'Dermairuidotte' was out immediately. The 'Splash Off' was thus Charlotte v Joey.

Joey's ritual was again odd, but the dive was fine - and better than Charlotte's. Gabby asked him some questions, and Joey gabbled at 90mph at her - not sure what he said.  Andy quite rightly said Joey's dive was better but Jo and Leon proceeded to give the nod to Charlotte.  To be honest, I do not give a diving fuck who went through, but it was a complete travesty that the gabbling Joey did not win.  It is beyond doubt that Jo and Leon voted NOT on what they saw in the Splash Off but on either what they perceived as potential for the next rounds or on personal preference for her rather than Joey.  Maybe they were intent on getting a woman into the final.  Either way, this was blatant manipulation and disgraceful.

...