6.1.13 Making A Big Splash!

Yes, folks, instead of entering the water vertically and creating as little disturbance as possible, the contenders did indeed each make a big splash.  I refer, of course, to the new ITV programme for Saturday nights, Splash!, which started yesterday.  This is the programme that's been touted as "action packed" for a few weeks, and which is most definitely NOT packed with action.  Yes, after witnessing this apology of a format for a whole 90 minutes, I can honestly say it's as weak as a homeopathic remedy.

It would have been entertaining if the offering had followed the following approach.

1. It was given a slot of 30 minutes, with, if absolutely necessary, a ten-minute follow on for the results
2. There was just one presenter, instead of the formulaic and unnecessary one male + one female
3. There was no padding with pathetic attempts to make diving boards like a ballroom venue
4. Jo Brand stayed at home to eat cake
5. Contestants did not perform staged 'high five' manoeuvres with selected crowd members
6. The programme was not littered with excuses for each diver
7. The last two did not go head to head in something terms a "Splash Off"

1  Alas these guidelines were not followed.  The major drawback was the outrageous 90 minutes allocated for what amounted to 7 dives - five, to establish the winner, plus two more to decide the extra person going through.  What I can do for you now is help you avoid padding on future shows, should you be desperate enough to see more diving.  The five dives took just over an hour of the programme to complete, so that at the 65minute mark, viewers were invited to waste 35p voting on a favourite.  It was at this point we got the recap with the numbers to call.  Unlike a singing contest, diving takes a couple of seconds, so the recaps for each of the contestants involved three views of the dive.  In other words, in no more than a minute, I was able to see everything that was releveant in the whole of the preceding 65 minutes!!!

2  Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan were not entertaining, nor were they both needed.  However, TV channels seem to think we need two presenters for everything.  Vernon in knee-length trousers was just silly, and Gabby in a red dress, grinning, added nothing to the plot.  The pair tried unsuccessfully to relay excitement, as though diving is suddenly the new craze of the century.  Vernon's most awful line of the night was: "Oh, I do love a Daly", which for the unaware was a reference to his other half, Tess Daly, who shares a sound-a-like surname with Tom Daley.

3  For some strange reason, the CIC reached a decision to dress people up and have them piss about on diving boards, pretending to be performing stunts and goings-on linked to James Bond.  How completely shite.  Words fail me.

4  Jo Brand was so totally out of place that it was laughable - sadly more laughable than her contributions.  To be fair, there was little she could have done or said that would have made her participation viable, which therefore begs the questions: a) "Why the fuck was she asked to be on the programme?" and b) "Why the fuck did she accept?".  Sorry, but having done a bit of diving as a teenager at school is hardly a sound basis for her joining in now, decades later and with no knowledge of the sport.

5  I sensed that the crowd had been stirred by the programme makers, and encouraged to whoop and cheer pointlessly, on cue.  It was also blatantly apparent that some squealing girls had been seconded to make a noise at every mention of the name 'Tom Daley' and for a selected few to give high-fives to the divers making their way to the boards.  Tacky as fuck.

6  The whole basis for our being impressed seemed to rely on sympathy for the contestants, and in our being glad it was not us on the boards.  Sorry, but that is most definitely NOT a reason to be impressed, let alone be entertained.  We heard of the various issues the divers had; fear of water (and of Tsunamis), fear of heights, damaged shoulder, can't swim, a verruca. [Made that last one up, sorry]

7  The format for progress followed the usual judges' scores being added to a phone vote, and after the winner is put through, 2nd and 3rd places go to a dive off - or a 'Spalsh Off' as some useless twat decided to label it.  This is a contest where there's not supposed to be a splash!

So then, here's the summary of this 90-minute non-action packed non-extravaganza:

Jade Ewen - we watched her make her way to the 5metre board to the noise of Rihanna (bad move) and then fall off it into the water with a near belly flop.  Then she went home.

Jake Canuso - he did okay after a lot of poncing about in the ritual to prepare, managing to attempt a one-and-a-half tumble before hitting the water a bit later. 

Helen Lederer - after being totally weird and unfunny (as usual) she fell off the 3metre board like a sack of spuds.  After one of the judges subsequently said: "I'm in tears" it was no surprise that she went home.

Jenni Falconer - manager to enter the water on her back, after the one-and-a-half turns ended up as 1.8 turns after the leap from the 3metre springboard.

Omid Djalili - his amazing freefall was fearless from the 10metre board.

The phone lines were open for just six minutes, to allow the ninety seven-people to vote.  Omid won, of course, and the Splash Off shit was contested by Jake and Jenni, with the former going through.  The real highlights were the comments/quotes, as follows:

1st - "These seemingly meaningless Saturday night shows . . . ."  [Omid's reference to Splash was class, during an interview with Vernon]

2nd - "You cannot go any higher than that."  [Leon, the tossy judge at the end, explaining the obvious after Omid's jump from 10 metres]

3rd - "You did fantastic."  [Vernon using poor grammar in his lie to Helen Lederer]

Gabby Logan signed off with the news (threat) that next week "five new celebrities will take the plunge".  Thankfully it's not going to be these five again, but remember what  said - you can miss the first hour without missing anything at all, if that makes sense.

[CIC = Cunts In Charge]

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