There are a few variations that are probably more suitable to accurately describe the goings on at Halloween, as things have moved on from tricks and treats over the last few years. I considered some of the options a week or two ago, while pondering whether there might be a case for renaming this awful ritual. Some of the options I noted were as follows:
Cough Up or Penalty
Cash or Coronary
Kit-Kat or Knutted
Cunt or Smile
Abuse of Let-off
Criminal Damage or Reward
Deal / Ordeal
Blackmail
I got bored then, and decided that seeing as I'd be away when the twats came a-callin', I would escape the turmoil. Although I was indeed away on the night, TMWSC Junior was indoors with his fiancee. He recounted the events of Halloween to me this morning.
It turns out that our house was paid a visit by two persistent idiots. They were intent on getting some attention but their exertions were matched by Junior and Mrs Junior, whose own efforts were to avoid detection. The house is fairly large, and is in the shape of a square. The front small gate is permanently shut (in fact it is impossible to open for reasons I will not go into) and the side gate is locked. This leaves the back door, and the main front door (to one side - confusing, eh?) which is in fact inaccessible because there's a wooden gate stopping access from the drive area. The wooden gate serves to keep the dogs in their designated area.
Anyway, the main door used is in fact a back door, and two blackmailers decided to ring the bell on Monday night. Junior and Mrs Junior decided not to participate in Cunt or Crunchie, and so ignored the bell, and the knocking. The callers were two women, apparently about 20 years old. They were dressed as chavs (which seems an odd look to go for?) although they each matched that attire with a set of devil horns, fully entering into the spirit of the night.
They would not be deterred by the lack of response. Junior and Mrs Junior kept a low profile, and heard the two women muttering, confirming to each other that there was definitely someone in the house. Rather than leave, they escalated their efforts to rouse someone, all for the sake of a fun-size Bounty!
The wooden gate opens inwards, so away from those entering the side area to gain access to the main door. There is no light on the wall, as we have never found the need to piss about at night trying to get to large double doors that are rarely used other than to let the dogs in and out. The two idiots could not operate a garden gate, and pulled it towards them, against the fucking hinge. They squeezed through, and banged on the window of a downstairs room, before arriving at the main doors, to bang some more. Mrs Junior looked down from an upstairs room (without the light on) and observed the two twats. The lack of light in the room turned out to be a slightly flawed approach by Mrs Junior, as she bruised her leg leaving the room in the darkness.
The two marauders left the vicinity treatless, and their inadvertent trick had been along the 'criminal damage' lines, breaking the gate. Junior confirmed he'd fixed it, as he recounted the story this morning. I joked that in the darkness, wandering where they shouldn't have been, and in the area used by our dogs, it was quite probable that the twats had stood in dog shit. The laughter circulated as I learnt that there were indeed some 'scuff marks' in a couple of dollops positioned just by the gate. Ha!
Serves them right. What is so amazing though is the lengths to which some people will go, trespassing and delving and pestering, all for a 'treat'.
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