The following feature was recently unearthed in TMWSC's records, and relates to a reporter's experience of an International Travel & Freight Conference at the end of 1998. It is quite apparent that the style of reporting has made much of word play opportunities, and puns are everywhere. In fact, it's sometimes hard to follow all of the intended word games; some are blatant but others are rather subtle. Anyway, here's the text, relaying details of the organisation's annual gathering, which featured in an industry journal of the day.
The conference was attended by over 250 delegates from around the world, and the diversity of the attendees and their backgrounds was amazing. Many had risen to great heights within their own countries, and I will attempt to provide the fullest report of events.
The delegate from Cyprus was an Irishman by the name of Nick O'Sear and his curious accent gave his stream of jokes a unique quality. Two guests who hit it off at once were the "Monty's", Video from Uruguay and Carlo from Monaco. Two women joined them to make a foursome during the latter part of the evening; Anne Dorra and Liz Bonne both got the "Full Monty" is you ask me.
The award for the best service was the highlight of the evening. Barry Island took the stage holding a manilla envelope and announced the results in reverse order. Third was Zambia, and Lou Sarka collected his awrd with his dopey looking girlfriend, Ann Twerp. Second place went to Iceland, and the splendid trophy was received by Ray Kavick and his fiancee Sue Donym (not her real name). A hush crept over the auditorium as Barry announced the overall winner. "First place goes to Turkey, and here to collect the cup is Stan Bull."
A short presentation on insurance and the risks from terrorism was given by a man from Zurich. Basil said that Switzerland was the leading player in the insurance market and the Swiss role was now on the table for all to sea. Nick Aragua's wife, Libby, caused a ripple by heckling at this point, saying the Swiss were only good at making chocolate. Basil accused her of muddling the issue and pointed the finger of fudge at Stan Bull for inviting them. There was genuine Turkish delight when Stan responded by taking a bow. Basil changed tictacs by offering Libby an Aero (plain) and said he always had the advantage of knowing the secret of the black flight box. After 8 years in the insurance business he declared it wasn't a picnic, and said he knew exactly which buttons to press on this topic.
The food was truly international and the Americans went for the Indian dishes in a big way. Mary Land wanted Balti more than most; Minnie Sota was close behind her along with Carol Liner. Harry Zona was feeling a bit dry and had a glass of white wine with Mrs Sippy from Georgia. Unfortunately he tried it on with a couple of ladies but did not get far. He couldn't understand why O'Ming (the Chinese Interpreter) did not want a drink, and then got annoyed when the Frenchman, Beau Jolais, told him to leave Frau Milch alone. The Paris agent, Mrs Veaux, caught the Frenchman's eye and they recognised each other at once. Beau Jolais knew Veaux from college and reminiscing made him and Yves Veaux stick together like glue all night. Glen Livet had too much to drink and was soon singing with Ness and Dorma from Rome. Not to be outdone, Carrie Oki and Philip Eanes joined in, but Abbey Sinya said she was too old and could only sing a poor song.
Bella Ruse from Minsk was feeling a bit chilly, so Heidi Hi (the ex-Blue Coat now working on the Cote D'Azur) offered her a Red Stripe. Al Bania and his wife, Govina, started a debate on passport control in Europe. The wars in their part of the world had caused too many splits and they thought the UN should keep in check republics' claims for full recognition. Al said the new UN arrangements after the war saw convention go to the wall. He proceeded to get tanked up and annoyed his wife; however, having the foresight to travel separately, he had hired a car from Hertz so Govina could go alone if she wanted to. Panic broke out temporarily when Jack Arta joined the debate. Mal Vinas from the Falklands shouted "Hi Jack," and Bella Grano hit the deck just as Donna Kebab was serving Johan his burger.
The international executive, Bill Board, advertised the fact that flight attendants had to be slim and rudely noted that Ann Baggage had been too bulky to be let on the plane. The way bill handled this didn't go down too well with Aaron Autiks, her American boyfriend. Lou Pole had found Ann a job at the Cairo flight desk of Blocked Airlines where she and Arty Choke both worked on computer terminals with Cath O'Dray. Local customs dictated that there was much paperwork to deal with, but the supervisor, Pru Former, eased things most of the time. C.Ferry expressed concern about Duty Free sales. He produced a list, and ticks and crosses against various product lines showed a ruthless streamlining, especially on the perfumes. Miss Du Vet (single) looked at the list and complained angrily. Eventually, after agreeing not to cross Channel, Ferry won her over.
The ownership of various islands caused a further flashpoint and the dispute soon got out of hand. Calvin Ipso from South America (Calypso to his friends) was discussing the Maldives with Ben Gaul over tea and cake. Cal cut a slice while announcing that he enjoyed visiting the Ballearics. After tea more islands were mentioned, and Leon Solent upset the man from Le Havre, almost provoking a fight. After taking his jersey off, Norman de Coast challenged Leon to a duel. The Romanian delegate instantly started to take bets on the outcome and Dan Air said he'd bet a tenner if the odds were in favour of Norman. After 2 to 1 was offered, many people went for it, though some had to think about it carefully first - especially the man from Moldova. Frank Furter told the Romanian to give his book a rest as he found gambling unacceptable. This feeling was heightened after his recent visits to Christmas Island, the Ascension Islands and Easter Island. The anti-christian activity left Frank incensed and murmurs of agreement circulated. Fortunately Frank's compatriot, Herr Traffik, controlled the situation well.
The event was deemed a success by members of the Board and there are plans to stage a similar event next year. I managed to speak to a number of Board members, including Una Seff (who does much work for charity) and the philosophy professor, Y. B. Koz. Both were positive about the future and had enjoyed the event.
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