I haven't commented on the television schedules for a while now, but feel it's appropriate to provide a few highlights now. The first must be to rejoice in the departure of Mr Selfridge. It is not the actual programme that causes the main problem, because it is easy enough to find something else to do between 9pm and 10pm on a Sunday. The sheer agony came with the relentless touting of the programme by the cunts in charge at ITV. In fact, beyond the last episode, there were still adverts to watch the fucker, via ITV Player. Anyway, that's died down now, so we are safe until another series looms.
Another fairly recent departure was the last in the latest woodwork lesson from Stephen Tompkinson, in DCI Banks, whose acting is more like a plank than a plank is! Thankfully he's off screen for a while.
I was amused with last week's offering on BBC2, following the efforts of Kate Humble during the lambing season. Here are some of the listing details for Lambing Live:
Sunday - Kate Humble and Adam Henson revisit people featured in previous series. Yawn - or should that be "Baaaa" then?
Tuesday - Kate Humble and Adam Henson are in the Scottish Borders with the Dykes. Bit rude, eh? Oh, it's their name.
Wednesday - Kate humble discovers that performing ultrasounds on sheep can be a surprisingly mucky business, while Adam Henson goes in search of a rare and elusive wild sheep in Cyprus. WTF? Why's the BBC paying for him to go there? We've got sheep here!
Thursday - Kate Humble meets a very different kind of sheepdog, while Adam Henson learns there is much more to grass than meets the eye. Plus, a chance to catch up with all the lambs born today at the Dykes' farm. Fuck me, this is exciting!
Friday - Kate Humble learns about the dedication and attention to detail it takes to raise lambs for their meat, while Adam Henson looks at the future of breeding. Hmmm . . what's Adam going to breed with, I wonder?
Channel 5 has adopted what must be the poorest offering this morning, because a check of the schedules shows that last Saturday, at 1.30pm, it offered us the George Segal film, The Bridge at Remagen. Imagine my surprise when I saw today's listing had, at 10.35am, the George Segal film, The Bridge at Remagen. What a complete con! Last Sunday it showed, at 11.00pm, A Bridge Too Far. Following on today, at 12.55pm was A Bridge Too Far - yes indeed, a bridge too fucking many!
We are not allowed to see anything these days without being accompanied by some or other "celebrity" or "personality", because we are incapable of properly appreciating or understanding anything unless we are told about it by someone who has switched career, or is taking a sabbatical. This means we must endure Adrian Edmondson pissing about, as well as Griff Rhys Jones. Neither is watchable. Why do commissioning cunts think that we will be well disposed to accept someone who was once upon a time funny in a completely new role? For some strange reason there's been a decision at some fucking meeting that has rubber-stamped this approach because it was decided there's excessive goodwill to people who were funny in the past. 'Ade', as we are forced to call him now, is one of many people tootling about all over the place. Griff is at it, as is Caroline Quentin, Robson Green and Martin Clunes. Then we have the wandering efforts of Christine Bleakley, although I think there will be no further series, thankfully. Give these jobs to people who are presenters!
Back to Channel 5, well not if I can help it, but to the listings anyway, I see there's competition in how to name programmes. Surely the best/worst name is Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead for a programme, even if the content will be far from good television. Others that follow the theme but with less 'punch' are - Famous, Rich & Hungry and Booze, Bust-Ups & Brothels: Soho Blues [which apparently both gets an ampersand]. On Monday this week, you will have the chance to see Conned, Fleeced and Left for Broke, which moves away from the ampersand convention. What next? Hands, Knees and Boomps A Daisy, probably.
The Emma Willis overload continues, and I don't just refer to the wailing, booming loudness with which we all have to contend. Not only is she being dreadful on The Voice, she's appearing tomorrow on ITV in Catchphrase Mother's Day Special [who decides on this shit?] and over on Channel 5 at 6.10pm, she's hosting Mum of the Year 2014. Enough is enough - or actually, any is too much. Blimey, it's bad enough that she's on The Voice.
Incidentally, on BBC2, we are stuck with another manic Foghorn Leghorn, in the shape of Zoe Ball, who manages to outdo Emma Willis for decibels and manic verbal onslaught. The programme is so fucking aptly named that in this single respect, congratulations are due to the BBC. I refer to The Voice: Louder on Two [which it certainly is, as explained].
On ITV at 11.10pm on Tuesday, Trevor McDonald is back inside Death Row [the inspiringly named programme that's being repeated is Inside Death Row with Trevor McDonald] but the real shame is that they keep letting the fucking bloke out!
On ITV at 2.00pm on Tuesday, the awfully named offering Auf Wiedersehen My Pet features someone called Chiara who is looking to re-home her two guinea pigs as she no longer has the space to keep them. [WTF?] Any fucking programme that eats up an hour of life while depending on the witheringly shitty basis of finding two guinea-pig sized spaces in the home of someone other than the present owner is tragic!
The BBC serves up more fucking food. Mary Berry Cooks [as if we didn't fucking know!] is ploughing on, and is joined now by yet another helping of Masterchef. I am full up, and in fact as 'bloated' as the BBC on food programmes.
As if to give credence to my earlier moaning about presenters, Martin Clunes has been despatched to Africa to tell us about lions in a programme due to be shown on Friday at 9.00pm on ITV. I suspect it might be rather more bearable than Ade at Sea on Thursday at 8.30pm - again on ITV. Not too sure why this channel is keep to promote these non-presenters in presenting roles. Still, I am just as clueless about ITV News policy.
Apparently some cunt in charge decided that my potentially pressing need for a conservatory warranted the break in the early evening news the other day. Yes, I had to endure the interruption to the news so that for 30 seconds I could be forced to listen to how Pennine Conservatories can give me a 'home appointment' to discuss a conservatory or orangery. How the fuck is one advert for this shit a basis for cutting the fucking news in half? The only benefit that I can summon up is 30 seconds relief from the smug grin of Alistair Stewart, who must surely be the owner of the creepiest face on television.
Kirstie's Best of Both Worlds - no she's fucking not. Both in this life and the afterlife, I've no need of input from Kirstie Allsop on Channel 4.
If you're really desperate to kill an hour and learn nothing at all, try ITV tomorrow at 11.10am. River Monsters offers us "an investigation into the Loch Ness Monster."
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