It seems that there were numerous complaints about Jennifer Lopez on Tuesday's show. Whilst I agree that her 'antics' and 'attire' were not at all suitable for a family show, surely the complaints should have centred on her actual singing and the song - both of which were fucking dire! Tonight's show will hopefully avoid too much alliteration, especially after the other noteworthy point of Tuesday's show being the prevalence of the letter 'M', what with contestants Martin & Marielle, MckNasty, Meat Diva, Modupe and MD.
Bruce Forsythe has shown himself to be a twat - not with his suggestion that there should be a BGT for children, separate from the main version, but by calling it "Britain's Children Got Talent". This is an illiterate jumble of shit, Bruce, that is hardly setting an example to youngsters! Why not go the whole way down the pan, and suggest: "Them Kids In Britain's Got Talent, Innit."
Freelusion
These Hungarians danced in front of a screen and I was bored rigid.
TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams: "You really moved it on from the first audition." Yep, in the wrong direction!
Alesha: "A colourful spectacle but I preferred the first audition. It was a great start to the show."
Amanda: "It just looked like a dance routine." Well done for buzzing, Amanda.
Cowell: "Apologies that Amanda buzzed just before the end." Simon managed to be conceited and a know all.
Lots of effort went into this, but sadly the end result was clever yet not very entertaining. Shame. Still, it was a whole lot better than the fucking Morrisons adverts that are blighting this year's BGT.
Robbie Kennedy
A nice chap but talk about over-hyped! His affected and strained voice is apparently brilliant (me neither) but he forces out the sounds and words in an unnatural way. Just because he gargles with sand and pea shingle does NOT mean he's a good singer.
TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams: "That was fantastic. You made that song completely your own." Yawn, David . . .
Alesha: "You've got a unique voice, it's gritty and raw and powerful." No it's not unique, and why not add 'sand-blasted', 'annoying' and 'strained' to the list, Alesha?
Amanda: "Started off a bit pitchy, but then got going. I could have listed to you all night." More fool you.
Cowell: "I didn't like that choice of song. It was a little bit copycat, a little bit karaoke." Yes, Simon, but not "a little bit" but "a LOT".
Will do quite well because of squealing women / girls. Sad but true.
Steve Pink
Too much pink, I think. A really tacky start, or what? Mincing and being a twat; the delivery of this is weak as hell, and annoying. Overdoing the chat to the point that I'd rather be listening to Robbie Kennedy! Well done for the three buzzers.
TMWSC Verdict: 1/10
Walliams: "It was a bit of fun
Alesha: "I like the pink and the bike, but otherwise it was crap." Well done, Alesha.
Amanda: "The ending is always good but the lead up was rubbish." Well done, Amanda.
Cowell: "The opening was horrendous. It took you too long to get there. Your talking was awful; the act was awful." Well done, Simon.
A disaster and a half!
Pre Skool
"Next up are a dance group" - Ant, you grammar fiend! This group is shit. I do not care that the members are all 5 - 8 years old because they should be judged on the performance and not age. Simply tame, twee, annoying, fidgeting shit. Trained mice.
TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams: "Brilliant." No, no,no.
Alesha: "I can see you've worked so hard." Working hard is something altogether different from showing talent.
Amanda: "Best act of the night so far. If you're not in the final I will kiss Simon Cowell." Crap, and I reckon you should blow him if they come last, as they should!
Cowell: "By far the best act of the night so far." Crap.
Dec: "How long did it take you to put that together?"
Kid: "A year."
Dec: "Are you sure? Was it a week?"
Kid: "Yeah."
These kids can't spell (Skool!) and can't answer a simple question about how long the chief mouse took to train them to move around and display not talent, but typical attributes of kids who are not disabled. Please do not confuse this tripe with 'talent'.
Thomas Bounce
This is clever, the bouncing/juggling, but not very interesting. He says he hasn't got a girlfriend - no surprise there. Started off shit, carried on being shit, and stayed shit. After two buzzers, I willed the third and fourth. Sadly they didn't come.
TMWSC Verdict: 0.5/10
Walliams: "I was absolutely mesmerised by your balls."
Alesha: "It's unfashionable boring and not cool." Correct, Alesha.
Amanda: "You span it well with the pretty girls and the funky music." What a shit comment.
Cowell: "It's a juggling act. I think it's something you should do at home." Correct, Simon.
Lame jokes about balls aside, it was complete BOLLOCKS. To congratulate himself for "nailing the stair trick" was rather inappropriate as I hadn't thought of that as a trick at all. The funniest part of this section was the fabulous laughing by Alesha and Amanda.
Rosie O'Sullivan
'When A Man Loves A Woman' is a boring choice of song! Safe, and sung well enough.
TMWSC Verdict: 7.5/10
Walliams: "You were born to sing. All of us in the room were hanging on your every word." Actually, David, I wasn't.
Alesha: "You can sing. You nailed that perfectly - well done." As opposed to nailing it imperfectly?
Amanda: "I can see you standing now and filling the Albert Hall." She's not that fat, Amanda!
Cowell: "A very, very good vocal performance. You could be a little dark horse here."
Blah, blah, blah. Nothing was said of any interest at all during the exchange with Ant and Dec. The competition so far tonight has been so shit that surely she'll be going through.
Joseph Hall
All very dated and clever and good, but not entertaining for me at all. Being a lovely chap is irrelevant, because I was bored - as much as I was on the first act of the night.
TMWSC Verdict: 3.5/10
Walliams: "It was sick." So was I, David.
Alesha: "You came out all fired up; it just felt classic. To fill the stage on your own is not easy and you did it."
Amanda: "You are my favourite act of the night." Do you have to keep saying this, Amanda?
Cowell: "It was one of the best we saw tonight." No it was not.
He summarised by listing his life ambitions. He showed himself to be a great guy, but I don't want to watch him dance though, so it makes it all rather pointless.
MC Boy
This was shit. WTF? He cannot sing, and can't rap either. Crappy bollocks. Amanda and Simon buzzed, but the other sadly didn't. The backing music on its own would have been tolerable, but his presence ruined it.
TMWSC Verdict: 1/10
Walliams: "Fantastic. How can anyone not like it - you'd have to have a very dark soul." Nob.
Alesha: "It was a bit of fun." No from where I was sitting.
Amanda: "It was very out of tune, but good fun." Er, right and wrong in that order, Amanda.
Cowell: "It got arguably worse since the first time we heard it. You kind of summed up what is a very strange evening." Simply no talent on display.
I can hardly be bothered to type.
Luminites
Very interesting, and certainly original. Excellent, after the shit served up in big dollops so far tonight. Absolutely must get through to the final.
TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams: "You could be the ones to watch."
Alesha: "The blend is fantastic."
Amanda: "I could watch all of you all night."
Cowell: "Most of tonight was like watching a second rate talent contest and karaoke at a holiday camp." Well it's your show, Simon!
Totally great performance. So will it be Rosie or Robbie (please no, because the whining would encourage me to put my head in the oven) going through with them? It had better not be those fucking kids.
Demi Lovato
After Jennifer Lopez managed a poor and tacky performance on Tuesday, I didn't think it was possible for a so-called 'star' to serve up anything worse - until this load of bollocks. This was truly awful, awful, awful shit.
TMWSC Verdict: 0.5/10
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