Victoria Wood is a talented actress and writer, a good comedian and without doubt a one-off. Sadly she has associated herself with an advert for Dyson in which gobbledygook is relayed in her voice-over for the 'Hot & Cool' contraption. The dodgy science (bollocks) comes from the assertion that this cleaner works to do a fantastic job through "inducement and entrainment". The first of these is in fact a word, although it is misused in this instance. The second is not a word at all, and has been cooked up by some marketing twats to try and make us marvel at Dyson. As I said - bollocks.
Admiral
Sadly, and irritatingly, Admiral car insurance adverts have become more annoying. The company has succumbed to the stupid fucking obsession with singing, and has joined the likes of the Halifucks, Confucked.com and GoCuntPair. Yes, we are now forced to hear the stupid words of a song while trying to obliterate the shit being served up about multi-car insurance. Admiral, this is all bollocks!
Nivea
The latest bollocks is a supposed concept that will do wonders for skin, with the application of a moisturiser while we are still in the shower. Apparently this product, annoyingly described and labelled as "In-Shower Moisturiser" is to be applied when you're wet and then rinsed off. What complete shit we are fed by an industry that simply doesn't stop inventing stuff that we all of a sudden need and cannot do without. There is certainly no room in the English language let alone my world or my bathroom for "In-Shower" anything! Bollocks.
Wickes
It seems that it's not good enough these days to sell stuff and try to make a profit. All I want from a retailer of DIY products is a good/fair price, a reasonable choice, and for the good I want to be in stock. I have no real desire to get too involved in the retailer's own thoughts, aims, ambitions and claims. However, I cannot avoid having to concern myself with the pride which is floating in the air as a result of Wickes being so brilliant [sarcasm]. "At Wickes, we're proud to give you 25% off all flooring until 31st May". This is the line in the advert, and I am struggling to see why the fuck the company is "proud" because as far as I'm concerned, it's a straightforward offer where I either buy it or I don't. If Wickes wants to entice me by lowering the price of a product in the hope that sales will rise, then fine - that is commerce. However, I resent the fact that in trying to sell me shit, the company is somehow proud to do so! Bollocks.
Cash Converters
It is amazing how companies see themselves, and somehow pat themselves on the back. The latest 'champion of the consumer' is Cash Converters, which advertises using the slogan "Fighting back against unexpected bills". Let's just analyse this for a moment. Exactly where is the "fighting" in this supposed battle? Are we all being attacked by bills we didn't know were coming our way? No, of course not, and the bills we are getting and almost certainly NOT unexpected. There were always en route and we knew damn well we were going to get them. The amount of any bill may well be a bit higher than we expected, but the bills themselves were never unexpected. Now, if a bill that we get as part of normal life is slightly larger than we might have expected, and it is necessary to "fight back", then the last fucking thing in the world one should do is take out a high interest loan - one of the services offered by Cash Converters. Neither does it make sense to dispose of possessions at around 20% of their value. Finally, the phrase "fighting back" suggests innocence on the part of the one having to fight back. Well, a bill will arrive on the door mat for services or goods or fines, and the money owed will be appropriate for each individual. Anyone overspending or being a twat will no doubt be asked for more money than they have, after being unable to manage credit. There is no cause which justifies a "fighting back" approach. What bollocks.
Wether's
To pictures of a girl entering a 'shop', a woman on the voice over recalls: "The first time I went to my favourite caramel shop". What bollocks is this? I challenge anyone to declare that he or she has a favourite caramel shop. I've never fucking been in one, let alone compile a list and decide which one is my favourite! The high street is full of charity shops, and £1 or 99p shops, not pissing caramel shops. What's then more annoying than this fantasy we're exposed to is the caption at the bottom of the screen as the girl enters the 'shop' - in small writing it says: "Product Development Kitchen". So it's not a fucking shop, then, is it !!! I've known for a long time that any writing, whether small or large, at the bottom of any advert is where the offer being talked about is undermined and the whole thing's a lie or has many catches. The only real exception is where the nanny state demands that a retailer puts Gambleaware" or Drink Responsibly, because without such helpful (small print?) advice, we'd all drink like cunts and lose our houses in a hand of poker. By the way, where's the one for loans at 4000% interest - Beware Borrowing from Bastards. Werther's (in all its guises, Original or not) has lost the plot. Bollocks.
Right Guard
Please can someone explain to me why deodorant needs to last 72 hour? Even Eddie Murphy needed only 48hrs, although he later needed Another 48hrs. Anyone who buys 72-hour deodorant is advertising the fact that they're a dirty cunt; why else would there be a need for such a long lasting spray? If the purchasers of this product then proceed to test out the endurance of the product, they can fucking well steer clear of me. Even if they do not smell horrible, I will have a low opinion of them for not washing daily anyway! I reckon the product is bought by people with a body odour problem, or particularly fat/immobile people who think that the claimed extra length of protection is in some way a simultaneous upping of the power to mask. It cannot be any stronger unless it chemically fuses pores so one cannot sweat at all; yuk. There is no place for a 72hr deodorant in civilised society. The concept is bollocks.
L'Oreal Men Expert
With no real surprise, it's the French who've managed to go one better, with a ludicrous 96hr deodorant! I admit that I've not seen an advert for it on TV yet, but it's probably only a mater of time - and after slating Right Guard, there is no justification for not drawing to your attention the outrageous and disgusting product that suggests to men they might like to let L'Oreal take responsibility for their personal hygiene and avoid washing.This whole concept is bollocks.
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