Tonight, I watched what can only be described as appalling television, courtesy of Chris Tarrant and the tiredest programme on ITV. This complete disaster of a show featured a stream of contestants who managed to win just a thousand fucking quid. Only one, the woman from Liverpool, got anything decent - £20,000.
You know things are shite when the audience needs to be consulted about which has no port: Plymouth, Penzance, Poole or Peterborough. Is this really the level of awareness in this country?
Then a thick bloke had to ask the audience for guidance because he was unable to recognize which of these is a mountain in Brazil: Salt Loaf, Sugar Loaf, Milk Loaf or Flour Loaf. Twat! Worse was to come when he then had to say what was linked to number five, in the rhyme about magpies, which starts "one for sorrow, two for joy". Many will have known "three for a girl and four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told". He went 50/50 and was left with Silver and Hope. Then he asked a friend who hadn't a fucking clue. He chose the latter, and dropped to £1000.
The competition question was pathetic. "British people are often said to have a 'stiff upper' what?"
Tooth Thigh Arm Lip
This just shows what a dumbed down fucking world we live in. This was NOT a competition to win a car plus money plus a holiday worth £90,000 in all, but straightforward gambling. There was no relevance to the programme, just a chance to spend money entering a lottery for the prize.
Tarrant rambled on with the same shit phrases that he's always muttering, and asked the usual pointless questions. Having goaded the woman into saying how much she wanted to win and what she'd do with the money, she gave answers and said that she probably sounded greedy, and Tarrant fucking said she did!!! Don't ask useless and leading fucking questions and then insult people, you pillock. If she'd answered "mind your own fucking business and ask the next question" then I'd have applauded from my sofa, and howled with laughter.
What's the crack with "phone a friend" then? No phoning! Fucking Skype-style input that takes away what was once a lifeline that worked without dragging three people to a studio and making them sit in cupboards out the back with a camera on them just in case. I also don't like the amounts of money; just who exactly couldn't cope with the old levels based on the powers of 2 then? Some clown behind the scenes has picked round numbers for no good reason.
The accountant chap struggled like hell to get to £2000 or £5000, and at whichever of these points it was, he came a cropper. PSY's follow-up to 'Gangnam Style' was posed as a question, with options: Gentlemen, Lady, Girl and Boy. The bloke suggested it was going to be Lady or Girl, but went 50/50, seeing both those options disappear. Close call. The dozy bloke he consulted on a final lifeline of "Ask Chris To Bring Up A Moron On Screen In Lieu Of Actually Phoning A Friend" was unable to contribute. Accountant opted for 'Boy' and so another person (who didn't add up to much, ha!) departed with £1000.
Hayley came on and seemed to concentrate well, showing a determination not to make any silly slip-up. She got to £20,000 but then fucked up big time. This was despite the audience giving variable input on which football club has just scored its 1800th top flight goal. Even Tarrant's hint to her that "the audience hasn't really got a clue" did not stop her going 50/50 and then opting for Chelsea based on 42% from the audience. The answer was Liverpool and she lost £19,000 to leave with £1000. Tit.
Before the klaxon, we just had time to see a 21-year-old get to £1000. In summary, then, I was completely unimpressed with the show, the format, Tarrant and the contestants. Not much left then, eh? All I hope is that Tarrant stops fucking saying "The Great British public". There is no such thing as Great British. "British" means "of or relating to the people of Great Britain" so the 'Great' in front of 'British' is totally wrong. If he is trying to say "great" with a small 'g' (I very much doubt this is the case) then what's so cunting great about them if they can only win a thousand fucking quid? AND - 'British' excludes those in Northern Ireland, which is hardly helpful in trying to avoid discrimination let alone keeping the United Kingdom united!
I am British. I am not Great British, nor am I a great British citizen. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is Shit. It is not Great Shit, nor is it great Shit - it's just Shit, or Shite in some dialects.
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