Martin Healey
Dancing whilst holding a mop to "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music" is a shit way to start the show. The fact that Martin Healey has dressed the mop as a nun is sadder than sad, and so embarrassing - surely? The dancers behind him highlight just how shit he is, and how little was on offer by way of entertainment. We switched music a couple of times, and I recognised 'Le Freak' - indeed!
TMWSC Verdict: 0/10
Walliams: "I think we've found the winner of Britain's Got Talent." Nob.
Alesha: "Barking Mad". Too right.
Amanda: "I don't think we've had such entertainment from a man with a load of stiffs." Wicked.
Cowell: "As a piece of entertainment, taking you out, it was okay. It's not a proper act."
The judges have a lot to answer for - they put this bloke through! Absolute shit, and it deprived a worthy semi-finalist a slot on the show.
Band of Voices
This was disappointing, considering the audition showed them to be rather talented. Not a good song choice, and it was okay rather than amazing. Not so bad that the group should be renamed "Banned Voices" but nowhere near as good as the first time I saw them.
TMWSC Verdict: 6/10
Walliams: "Haunting."
Alesha: "Serious business."
Amanda: "Vocally brilliant."
Cowell: "When you started I thought you'd really ballsed this one up."
Very impressed with Simon Cowell's use of language, especially before the watershed! He went on to say that they got bit better and it picked up, but I was with him on the concern. NB: Alesha's comment about a 'brilliant song choice' was not brilliant.
Youth Creation
Next up ARE a dance act from Essex - poor grammar, Ant. Get with it! I was not looking forward to fidgeting and screaming kids who've been taught how to perform, just like performing seals. This was simply 'assembly' with the kids wearing bright colours and moving around. Bollocks. I have no reservation about upsetting parents, teachers, judges or the public; it was shit, and kids are not talented, even if they are deemed 'cute' - a term that's shit and patronises.
TMWSC Verdict: 5/10
Walliams: He lied.
Alesha: She lied.
Amanda: She patronised them, and annoyed the fuck out of me. "Good crimping???"
Cowell: "Best act of the night so far." Liar! Twat.
Patronising kids is apparently now a legitimate sport - fucking atrocious and simply wrong!
J-Unity
A stupid name for a band if ever I've heard one. It started and I wished it hadn't. This was the sort of stuff that they'd dish out as banter in their front room, and that's where it should have stayed! I suspect it was better live than at home. Nevertheless, this was a cliche and trying too hard to be cool. A jamming session is not a good substitute for a performance on BGT, chaps.
TMWSC Verdict: 4/10
Walliams: "Such a special chemistry between you, an infectious sense of fun," Yeah, hmmmmm.
Alesha: "You are special." Too right.
Amanda: "It's really relaxing watching you." Yep, I was comatose.
Cowell: " You are related, yeah? You had fun." I didn't.
This was below par, and I am not looking for an act where the contributors "feel comfortable" on stage. This is not proper talent at all. Time for a third commercial break, after the obligatory shit competition info.
Bosom Buddies
Brenda and Bernie - oh fuck. Are we seriously saying that BGT is going to be won by this duo? Yes, they each have a voice that can pass as okay, and they are novel . . . but that's as far as it goes because this is never ever going to be a winner of anything. The drag aspect of this act is pathetic, and these two obviously want an excuse to don dresses - pink ones tonight. Only Cowell buzzed, sadly.
TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams: "It defies categorisation." You're right,there, David.
Alesha: "I felt like I was at a wedding."
Amanda: "One of the most understated, subtle performances we've had on the show." Crap.
Cowell: "In the real world this is just too mad." Exactly!
Alesha, is your feeling like you're at a wedding the benchmark for the nation's enjoyment now? This was not good - just mildly odd. If this is all the talent that Britain's got, then we're fucked.
Philip Green
This guy was funny as fuck, just being himself, at the auditions, without any of the actual impressions. Tonight, we had Stacey Soloman overdose before Louie Spencer kicked in to save the day. Too much
TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams: "You're very bendy, aren't you."
Alesha: "You are so adorable. You are gonna have a career whatever happens."
Amanda: "I prefer you when you're loose and mental." Yes, correct!
Cowell: "Naturally likeable, but like a dog who needs training. Not as good as the first audition." Correct, Simon, but he's still naturally talented, entertaining and odd as fuck.
Arisxandra
The stereo-typical child prodigy doing a ballad as though she's 20 instead of 11 years old. False, and not quite right, even though she can undoubtedly sing. Is this how to determine talent these days? I have nothing against her but have serous doubts about applauding an 11-year-old who can portray a rendition of a song as though she were 20. Hmmmm.
TMWSC Verdict: 6/10
Walliams: "I've no doubt one day you'll be sharing your talent with the world."
Alesha: "You sing a song like you've had all these life experiences." Er, no, Alesha - my point exactly!
Amanda: No proper comment, just a couple of lame questions.
Cowell: "I'd like to dedicate this one to Greece." WTF???
She can sing, even though tonight she was rather nervous. So, do we go with her because she can sing, or reject the whole concept because she should be doing something that 11-year-olds do? I was not at all enthralled or entertained because if her age is irrelevant (as Simon was keen to point out) then she was an average singer singing a song that I actually didn't want to hear.
Aaron Crow
A person who's enigmatic - that's a nice change. His audition was fantastic. I have been warned by Ant not to try this at home, and I am somewhat disappointed because I was planning to decapitate Mrs MWSC! Dec was shitting himself on this act, as he tried to work out what was going to happen. An excellent performance and act! Rather obvious, because the ring was never in the apple, but still excellent, especially as the audition was superb.
TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams: Can't remember him saying anything worthwhile.
Alesha: "Women are gonna love you."
Amanda: "You are international man of mystery."
Cowell: "It was good, not as good as the first audition."
As per Simon's comment, not as good as the audition, but nevertheless this chap is intriguing.
Richard & Adam
I like these two, because they are normal chaps with an undoubted talent, even if am not a fan of this type f music.
TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams: "You made an impression."
Alesha: "You've gone to another level." What a tired line, Alesha.
Amanda: "Spine tingling."
Cowell: "You will not be back in the sandwich shop."
Apart from Walliams hoping for an affair with the boys' gran, this was a straightforward judging session which confirmed the two singers were rather good.
Let's see what the voting produces.
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