The entrance of numerous flag-wielding performers/representatives was like the Olympics and took rather a long time, adding to the phenomenal length of the event. I considered that maybe fifteen years ago, there were probably about ten countries fewer than tonight, with so many having either been at war before splitting or simply dividing. These are the countries who vote for each other despite shooting at each other for years. As it turns out, none of the Balkan countries has got through to this final!
Petra Mede set the scene with 'authority' and clarity, and gave us all the rules. The 26 participants in this final will get votes from around Europe (and beyond, because as we all know, the Eurovision contest is in no way linked to 'Europe') although the UK is unable to manage text voting. How pathetic is that!
France - L'enfer Et Moi
Amandine Bourgeois sang something or other that was simply not very good. I think Graham said it meant "Hell and Me" and whilst it was not hellish, she got carried away with herself and descended into wailing out. Enthusiastic but just noisy.
Lithuania - Something
Graham: "The stylist should be sacked; to be honest you'd dress better to see the contest." Andrius Pjavis sang a load of drivel including information on shoes, using a non-tuneful approach. 'Because of my shoes I'm wearing today . . . ." WTF? "One is called love, the other is xxxx". Replace the xxx with 'pain' or 'suede' - could not hear for shit.
Moldova - O Mie
Aliona Moon in a fancy dress. Fuck knows what she was singing about, but there's no denying she is stunning. Easy enough of the ear (and eye) and the dress was a good twist. Her hair was rock solid with spray, and she could head-butt a rhino and win.
Finland - Marry Me
Krista Siegfrids saying "I do it for jew" because her inability to say "you" had an effect. I'd say that it spoilt the song, but that was actually impossible because it was utter crap. If this wins, I believe the UN should consider sanctions against Finland. Truly awful, and it has relied in the build up, on forced controversy because of the lesbian angle. How dire. Fuck off and revert to the hard rock. Pathetic bollocks! If her boyfriend hasn't proposed, then he's got some sense.
Spain - Contigo Hasta El Final
ESDN was the group, using a 'traditional Spanish bagpipe', according to Graham. The woman in yellow seemed sweet, even though she was off key for some of the performance. It picked up a bit half way through and became acceptable after the wobbly start. Pretty good.
Belgium - Love Kills
Graham: "If love doesn't kill us, the choreography will - it's quite woeful." Roberto Bellarosa singing while a couple of women prance about behind him, looking like twats. GN was totally correct with 'woeful'. The song was as average as it could possibly be.
Estonia - Et Uus Saaks Alguse
Birgit sang nicely. GN revealed she is five months pregnant, possibly explaining the dress. Good effort, and rather easy to listen to. Graham: "Charmingly retro; it could have been representing Luxembourg in 1978."
Belarus - Solayoh
Alyona singing a complete and utter rip off of Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance in the opening sequence and general styling. If the aim is to be memorable, then I suspect she'll manage that, and get a few votes, despite the song being rather weak. If the votes are for length of legs, she'll do well. Should be eliminated / sued.
Malta - Tomorrow
Gianluca ripping off Train (Hey, Soul Sister) with a twist of Ed Shearan in styling. This is out of order completely. WTF? Should be eliminated / sued.
Russia - What If
Dina Garipova singing a ballad. Almost Karen Carpenter in style even if no one on earth could match her. Sadly the ballad got noisy and generic in the end. Graham mentioned Ambrosia Creamed Rice when describing her frock.
Germany - Glorious
Cascada singing a dance anthem that never made the mark - sorry, made the euro. Sorry but this was shit, forgettable and awful - certainly not glorious at all.
Armenia - Lonely Planet
Dorians dressed in jeans provided a lacklustre version of a typical rock ballad with a bit of wailing and guitar music, singing about something pointless. Sorry, chaps, a no-go. The lead singer's eyebrows stole the show.
Petra's little section allowed her to play the crowd and lap up the attention, before she introduced more singers. At least she is managing on her own and not having to share shit banter with a greasy-haired smarmy bloke.
Netherlands - Birds
Anouk simply singing a song and looking particularly attractive. No gimmicks. Certainly individual even if not at all a catchy tune typical of eurotrash. Well done for not churning out the usual stuff and daring to try something original. Hope it does well.
Romania - It's My Life
Graham: "Small children and pets should probably be removed from the room." After warning us that this song was "very Eurovision" we got Cezar performing in a weird-as-fuck way. "Iteresting" was the word used by Mrs MWSC. There is no doubt that this effort was odd, novel and funny. His high voice was amazing seeing as he also sang so low at the start. This song sums up Eurovision and was weird. Graham: "That was Cezar proving that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should."
United Kingdom - Believe In Me
Bonnie Tyler proving that live performance is so much harder than we acknowledge because on the radio, this sounds okay. Tonight, the sound was rather poor. I don't see us doing that well.
Sweden - You
Robin Stjernberg singing something else that's a rip off but I cannot bring to mind the song it sounds like. What the other nobs were up to on the stage I've no idea. The song was catchy, but the 'dancers' should have been rounded up and caught, and locked up. Graham suggested that with his hair down, the singer looked so like Clare Balding it was extraordinary."
Hungary - Kedvesem
ByeAlex sang in a tone like a lullaby which would send any child to sleep - actually, any adult as well. This soft and comforting sound was not really a song at all, just a soothing sound. Graham introduced ByeAlex confirming the spelling 'Bye' not 'Buy' and saying he wouldn't want us to read anything into it, and he's a nice boy. This odd sound has a good chance.
Denmark - Only Teardrops
Emmelie de Forest trying to look like Joss Stone even if sounding rather different. This will do well. The flute sounds good and holds attention, while her singing is good. She looks good and so overall, a very strong contender.
Iceland - Eg A Lif
Graham: "If it was a singing competition this man would do very well indeed." That rather sums things up, and it's not about the singing, but to do with politics and geography. Eythor Ingi sang in Icelandic and so didn't help himself much. I think he's the Icelandic Michael Bolton.
Azerbaijan - Hold Me
Farid Mammadov was introduced by Graham, and he also mentioned a woman in the act, with a quote that made me laugh. Graham: "With a woman who should really have hemmed her dress." As for the bloke in the perspex box, I've no idea what that was all about. The song was pretty good and will do well.
Greece - Alcohol Is Free
As Graham pointed out, it's anything but free in Sweden, and you "have to sell your car to buy a pint". This effort for Greece by Koza Mostra featuring Agathon Iakovidis. Absolutely awful - fast paced rubbish.
Graham: "Not sure why they are dressed like a girls hockey team."
Ukraine - Gravity
Zlata Ognevic sang well enough and quite loudly, while looking good. Wailed a bit though, and I did struggle with hearing a couple of the words. I am sure I heard something that was either: "Why's it growing stronger" - or "Why's he grown a shonker".
Italy - L'Essenziale
Marco Mengoni singing, and being a bit boring, although he sang very well. Graham: "Should you appear with bed head?"
Norway - I Feed You My Love
Margaret Burger singing a strangely anthemic song that had a good beat and tried hard to be powerful. In actual fact she managed to deliver the usual tired lines in a way that with the backing music turned out to be catchy and put it in a very strong position.
Georgia - Waterfall
Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani proving they are not Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush. The formulaic effort was however the sort of thing that does well, and so the cheesy format will get votes even though it wasn't very good, just noisy and with two voices that did not quite go together. Graham: "I'm not sure about the dance move at the end; it looked like a dog cocking its leg."
Ireland - Only Love Survives
Far too much wailing by Ryan Dolan, for my liking. Graham liked it but not for me.
Phone lines are only open for 15 minutes, and then we'll spend an hour adding up points.
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