31.5.13 Britain's Got Talent - 4th Semi Final

Club Town Freaks

This collection of odd bods is a pointless inclusion in tonight's show.  Let's see what mess arrives.  The fucked up start was not actually a surprise!!!  This is SHIT already, and I've listened to 24 seconds!  Sad or what.

TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams:  "You remind me a lot of the judging panel."
Alesha:  "You've opened the show in such a colourful way."  Bollocks, Alesha!
Amanda:  "I feel like I've had too many sherries already."  I need a whisky - now!
Cowell:  "You've summed up this week - weird and unpredictable."

Shit.

Alex Keirl

The guy with the funny haircut was accused of being 'too high' with his singing. He pissed me off with his rendition of "The First Time Ever I saw Your face". Affected and not actually enjoyable at all.  If some cunt says "you made it your own" I will be annoyed.

TMWSC Verdict: 5/10
Walliams:  "It was fantastic."  No, it was 'okay'.
Alesha:  "I really found that moving."  No, it was 'okay'.
Amanda:  "It was faultless."  No, it was 'okay'.
Cowell:  "I wasn't expecting that.  Am I looking at a star?  Nice guy, good voice, but something is missing."  Yep, Simon - the X-Factor.  Oops, sorry, 'talent'.  It was 'okay'.

"It means so much to me."  Less to me though, Alex.  This is the best song of all time and alas you did not add to my life in any respect.

The Shockarellas

"Next up are a street dancing girl group."  Ant - you are grammatically fucked! This will be uneventful.  Mark my words.  I am bored fucking rigid.  Shit music and clap-along bollocks on stage!

TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams:  "Fantastic."  Liar.
Alesha:  "Genuine flavour, genuine soul."  What the fuck does that mean?  This is not a social experiment for kids in this country but an entertainment programme!
Amanda:  "So slick, so cool."  So not the case!
Cowell:  "It was wicked.  Innit.  You did better this time than the first time."

It was uneventful - did you mark my words?  Older version of Pre Skool?

Popin' Ron

This is NOT "Britain's Got Immigrants From Syria With A Hard Luck Story". Nice chap but the back story is irrelevant!  He was quirky on the auditions, with the body popping, but this is all too 'produced' and polished at the beginning. No raw enough to grab attention with the "how can he do that?" view.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "It wasn't shiny, clappy and happy, and you can't see that Simon." Bollocks.
Alesha:  "I love your story and I love you."  Is that the criteria, now?
Amanda:  "Ron, you have been on an incredible journey."  His life story is FUCK ALL to do with anything, Amanda, so stop patronising the fuck out of the country!  "I'm glad you're safe now." ??? Get real, woman!
Cowell:  "Indulgent."  Correct.

Sorry, but not very good.

James More

Very clever, although I was bored a bit with the OTT showmanship.

TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams:  "It was a terrific trick.  The fresh young sexy face of magic"
Alesha:  "Unbelievable."
Amanda:  "We've never had a reaction like that for a magic act.  There was a point when I thought I might have to start using Tenor Ladies."  Yes, as per Simon's comment - too much information.
Cowell:  "Congratlations."

Very clever and a great trick, no doubt.  I don't think he'll get enough votes, though.

Chasing The Dream

I have no idea why these people are even here, in the competition, and using up my hours on this earth.  After ten seconds, I HATE it!  Well done, Alesha, for buzzing!  Well done, Simon, for buzzing!

TMWSC Verdict: 1.1/10
Walliams:  "It's enjoyable - especially if you have a box of Maltesers, as I have under the table."
Alesha:  "A bit too much of a cheese fest - I just didn't like it."  Correct.
Amanda:  "If this was an advert on telly, it would be something I would want to see."  Not me.
Cowell:  "I found it so corny."  Agreed, plus shite.

These twats wanted a 'platform' to promote their own musical.  Fuck off!

Francine Lewis

Fucking EXCELLENT!

TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams:  "Absolutely fantastic."
Alesha:  "I can't wait to see your own TV show."
Amanda:  "You were the best act of the night."
Cowell:  "This was better than your first audition."

Winner.

Asanda Jezile

This girl is actually an impressionist.  She sings in the style of either Rihanna, or tonight, Beyonce.  An 11-year-old copying an established singer is not right.

TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams:  "You really owned that song."
Alesha:  "You are unbelievable."
Amanda:  "It's ridiculous; I've no doubt you'll be going through to the final."
Cowell:  "OMG."

I am not sure what to think.  Yes, she is very good - no doubt.  But I am still struggling with the whole concept of copying people.  It this "Stars In Their Eyes" or a different show?

AJ & Chloe

These two are definitely talented, although strangely that seems not to matter much in this competition.

TMWSC Verdict: 6/10
Walliams:  "A fantastic end to the show."
Alesha:  "Excellent."
Amanda:  "Congratulations."
Cowell:  "Faultless.  You're both great."

Very good but it's rather hard to believe that the public vote will reward this sort of act.

So, Francine and the kid.

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30.5.13 Britain's Got Talent - 3rd Semi Final

It seems that there were numerous complaints about Jennifer Lopez on Tuesday's show.  Whilst I agree that her 'antics' and 'attire' were not at all suitable for a family show, surely the complaints should have centred on her actual singing and the song - both of which were fucking dire!  Tonight's show will hopefully avoid too much alliteration, especially after the other noteworthy point of Tuesday's show being the prevalence of the letter 'M', what with contestants Martin & Marielle, MckNasty, Meat Diva, Modupe and MD.

Bruce Forsythe has shown himself to be a twat - not with his suggestion that there should be a BGT for children, separate from the main version, but by calling it "Britain's Children Got Talent".  This is an illiterate jumble of shit, Bruce, that is hardly setting an example to youngsters!  Why not go the whole way down the pan, and suggest:  "Them Kids In Britain's Got Talent, Innit."

Freelusion

These Hungarians danced in front of a screen and I was bored rigid.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "You really moved it on from the first audition."  Yep, in the wrong direction!
Alesha:  "A colourful spectacle but I preferred the first audition. It was a great start to the show."
Amanda:  "It just looked like a dance routine."  Well done for buzzing, Amanda.
Cowell:  "Apologies that Amanda buzzed just before the end."  Simon managed to be conceited and a know all.

Lots of effort went into this, but sadly the end result was clever yet not very entertaining.  Shame.  Still, it was a whole lot better than the fucking Morrisons adverts that are blighting this year's BGT.

Robbie Kennedy

A nice chap but talk about over-hyped!  His affected and strained voice is apparently brilliant (me neither) but he forces out the sounds and words in an unnatural way.  Just because he gargles with sand and pea shingle does NOT mean he's a good singer.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "That was fantastic.  You made that song completely your own." Yawn, David . . .
Alesha:  "You've got a unique voice, it's gritty and raw and powerful."  No it's not unique, and why not add 'sand-blasted', 'annoying' and 'strained' to the list, Alesha?
Amanda:  "Started off a bit pitchy, but then got going.  I could have listed to you all night."  More fool you.
Cowell:  "I didn't like that choice of song.  It was a little bit copycat, a little bit karaoke."  Yes, Simon, but not "a little bit" but "a LOT".

Will do quite well because of squealing women / girls.  Sad but true.

Steve Pink

Too much pink, I think.  A really tacky start, or what?  Mincing and being a twat; the delivery of this is weak as hell, and annoying.  Overdoing the chat to the point that I'd rather be listening to Robbie Kennedy!  Well done for the three buzzers.

TMWSC Verdict: 1/10
Walliams:  "It was a bit of fun
Alesha:  "I like the pink and the bike, but otherwise it was crap."  Well done, Alesha.
Amanda:  "The ending is always good but the lead up was rubbish."  Well done, Amanda.
Cowell:  "The opening was horrendous.  It took you too long to get there.  Your talking was awful; the act was awful."  Well done, Simon.

A disaster and a half!

Pre Skool

"Next up are a dance group" - Ant, you grammar fiend!  This group is shit.  I do not care that the members are all 5 - 8 years old because they should be judged on the performance and not age.  Simply tame, twee, annoying, fidgeting shit.  Trained mice.

TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams:  "Brilliant."  No, no,no.
Alesha:  "I can see you've worked so hard."  Working hard is something altogether different from showing talent.
Amanda:  "Best act of the night so far. If you're not in the final I will kiss Simon Cowell."  Crap, and I reckon you should blow him if they come last, as they should!
Cowell:  "By far the best act of the night so far."  Crap.

Dec: "How long did it take you to put that together?"
Kid: "A year."
Dec: "Are you sure?  Was it a week?"
Kid: "Yeah."

These kids can't spell (Skool!) and can't answer a simple question about how long the chief mouse took to train them to move around and display not talent, but typical attributes of kids who are not disabled.  Please do not confuse this tripe with 'talent'.

Thomas Bounce

This is clever, the bouncing/juggling, but not very interesting.  He says he hasn't got a girlfriend - no surprise there.  Started off shit, carried on being shit, and stayed shit.  After two buzzers, I willed the third and fourth. Sadly they didn't come.

TMWSC Verdict: 0.5/10
Walliams:  "I was absolutely mesmerised by your balls."
Alesha:  "It's unfashionable boring and not cool."  Correct, Alesha.
Amanda:  "You span it well with the pretty girls and the funky music."  What a shit comment.
Cowell:  "It's a juggling act.  I think it's something you should do at home." Correct, Simon.

Lame jokes about balls aside, it was complete BOLLOCKS.  To congratulate himself for "nailing the stair trick" was rather inappropriate as I hadn't thought of that as a trick at all.  The funniest part of this section was the fabulous laughing by Alesha and Amanda.

Rosie O'Sullivan

'When A Man Loves A Woman' is a boring choice of song!  Safe, and sung well enough.

TMWSC Verdict: 7.5/10
Walliams:  "You were born to sing.  All of us in the room were hanging on your every word."  Actually, David, I wasn't.
Alesha:  "You can sing.  You nailed that perfectly - well done."  As opposed to nailing it imperfectly?
Amanda:  "I can see you standing now and filling the Albert Hall."  She's not that fat, Amanda!
Cowell:  "A very, very good vocal performance.  You could be a little dark horse here."

Blah, blah, blah.  Nothing was said of any interest at all during the exchange with Ant and Dec.  The competition so far tonight has been so shit that surely she'll be going through.

Joseph Hall

All very dated and clever and good, but not entertaining for me at all.  Being a lovely chap is irrelevant, because I was bored - as much as I was on the first act of the night.

TMWSC Verdict: 3.5/10
Walliams:  "It was sick."  So was I, David.
Alesha:  "You came out all fired up; it just felt classic.  To fill the stage on your own is not easy and you did it."
Amanda:  "You are my favourite act of the night."  Do you have to keep saying this, Amanda?
Cowell:  "It was one of the best we saw tonight."  No it was not.

He summarised by listing his life ambitions.  He showed himself to be a great guy, but I don't want to watch him dance though, so it makes it all rather pointless.

MC Boy

This was shit.  WTF?  He cannot sing, and can't rap either.  Crappy bollocks.  Amanda and Simon buzzed, but the other sadly didn't.  The backing music on its own would have been tolerable, but his presence ruined it.

TMWSC Verdict: 1/10
Walliams:  "Fantastic.  How can anyone not like it - you'd have to have a very dark soul."  Nob.
Alesha:  "It was a bit of fun."  No from where I was sitting.
Amanda:  "It was very out of tune, but good fun."  Er, right and wrong in that order, Amanda.
Cowell:  "It got arguably worse since the first time we heard it.  You kind of summed up what is a very strange evening."  Simply no talent on display.

I can hardly be bothered to type.

Luminites

Very interesting, and certainly original.  Excellent, after the shit served up in big dollops so far tonight.  Absolutely must get through to the final.

TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams:  "You could be the ones to watch."
Alesha:  "The blend is fantastic."
Amanda:  "I could watch all of you all night."
Cowell:  "Most of tonight was like watching a second rate talent contest and karaoke at a holiday camp."  Well it's your show, Simon!

Totally great performance.  So will it be Rosie or Robbie (please no, because the whining would encourage me to put my head in the oven) going through with them?  It had better not be those fucking kids.


Demi Lovato

After Jennifer Lopez managed a poor and tacky performance on Tuesday, I didn't think it was possible for a so-called 'star' to serve up anything worse - until this load of bollocks.  This was truly awful, awful, awful shit.

TMWSC Verdict: 0.5/10


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30.5.13 Undercutting

There seems to be a move to 'go one better' in a number of areas.  Ordinarily, one might expect healthy competition, a feature of any free market.  However, I am perplexed by the odd approaches in a couple of areas, and I am struggling to understand the logic behind some of the moves.

First, let's take the 'pound shop', whether Poundland, Poundworld or any other independent retailer deciding that £1 is the way forward.  This concept was fine until 99p Stores arrived, to undercut the competition.  As if the public would ditch a £1 shop to save a fucking penny!

However, things are hotting up now, because 98p is the new pound.  I remember B&Q pissing about with prices more than a decade ago, to buck the trend of prices all ending with 99p, and I wasn't impressed.

Poundland has apparently "slashed prices" in four of its stores, to compete with 99p Stores.  Poundland has in these locations become "97p Land", which doesn't have a proper ring to it.  As if these pennies make any fucking difference, when the pack sizes for many commodities sold inside are all tampered with so that they are not anything bu products designed to be sold in such establishments.

How long before we see a 96p Shop ???

Meanwhile, on a totally different subject (but linked to the theme above) I recall the reporting of the Oklahoma tornado disaster a couple of weeks ago, and the efforts of rescuers.  It was stated at one stage that they were 98% certain there would be no one else found, and rescue work was completed.  Just how on earth did they arrive at this figure?

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30.5.13 News Update & Cornish Cuntism

Litter Fine

Can this really have happened?  Has the country become so fucked up that this is what is regarded as normal these days?  In Cornwall, it seems that the ever vigilant inspectors have turned into vigilantes on a mission, and that their employer (the Council) is worse in its outlook than the Stasi ever was.  Dave Jode, a Burger King manager in Truro, was 'spotted' putting a  cigarette end down a storm drain.  He refused to pay a £50 on-the-spot fine and in court, the magistrates fined him £100 plus he was ordered to pay a further £100 towards costs.  He did not create any litter by disposing of the butt this way.  In the news we see all sorts of actions going unpunished, or under-punished.  What the fuck has gone wrong, and what are the priorities now?  If these twats with an attitude (I mean the appointed vigilantes) want to target something in the litter world that's a bit more harmful than Mr Jode's single cigarette butt, perhaps they would like to go to the various takeaways dotted around towns and service centres, where they'll find fucking great pizza boxes and polystyrene cartons lobbed out of car windows and blowing across car parks on to grass verges.  That would be a good start to prioritisation, I think. However, the CIC have defended the Council's actions, unsurprisingly, and the pathetic pettiness evident to anyone reading and assessing this story.  Finally, does anyone know if a litter-spotter is a step up from a traffic warden, or a role into which traffic wardens move when they achieve heightened pettiness and anger with life?

Morrisons

This week I have been annoyed as fuck by the stupid adverts (masquerading as 'sponsorship') by Morrisons at the start and end of commercial breaks in Britain's Got Talent.  I thought that the annoyance was at a steady level, even if rather high, but today I see a blip upwards after seeing the stupidity displayed in respect of the poppy badge fiasco.  Adam Austin is on suspension and is being dealt with under disciplinary procedures that now threaten his job because he wore a poppy badge at work, to remember the soldier murdered in Woolwich - Lee Rigby.  This is yet another example of complete stupidity.  The priorities are now all over the place in modern Britain.  Get real, Morissons!

Irish Fags

It seems that the Irish are going down the path of plain packaging for cigarettes, as a measure to reduce smoking.  Dr James Reilly says that this initiative will stop cigarette companies from using marketing tactics to attract young smokers, particularly girls.  Oh, I see, James.  Having all cigarettes in Ireland contained within the same type of box will mean that girls won't be able to 'accessorize' anymore?  What bollocks.  I actually think there's a brilliant marketing opportunity available immediately the change comes about. Individual designs, adornments and stickers.  Yes, I guarantee you that people will either design their own covers or there will be special stickers available online.  The novelty factor alone will encourage added attention to smoking, "particularly" for girls who will colour co-ordinate things.  As for the attack on tobacco companies making it difficult for them to adopt marketing tactics, what about the fact that illicit traders selling black-market fags will have a field day, especially as one in four cigarettes smoked is 'illegal' in Ireland.  I think I need to go and design some funny, fashionable and spoof versions of cigarette packet covers asap.

Sun Cream

It seems that one in five of the nation's six-year-olds refuses to wear sun cream.  That will of course be a concern to some of the over-fussy mothers who insist on smothering their offspring with dollops of the stuff and turning them into sticky people ready to polluted water, attract sand and develop rickets through lack of vitamin D.  The obsession with FFF if simply weird and parents swallow the shit fed to them by retailers who need us all to do what we're told.  This overkill is daft, and against all the actions of a society where common sense prevailed - it's been gone a few decades now though.  These days, if you're a mum and you don't smear chemicals and shit on to a kid's skin before he runs off and plays (unless it's night-time, and he can safely mess about in or near a tower block, practising mugging old ladies) then you are an awful parent who doesn't deserve kids at all.

BBC Bias

here can surely be no surprise at all at the findings of Ed West, who's conducted a study of the BBC which concludes: "In its coverage of the topic of immigration, the BBC has given overwhelmingly greater weight to pro-migration voices even though they represent a minority (even elitist) viewpoint."  This is just one subject that the BBC has treated with bias because we all know that leftism prevails.  Even Mark Thompson (the Director General in 2010) accepted the BBC had once been guilty of a massive left-wing bias, with weak coverage of immigration.  In political matters generally, the bias is acknowledged.


Key
CIC = Cunts In Charge
FFF = Factor Fucking Fifty

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28.5.13 Britain's Got Talent - 2nd Semi Final

So after yesterday's first semi-final, the culling of everyone who doesn't sing has got underway.  Out went Aaron Crow and Philip Green, both of whom were rather strange and original.  The two Welsh singers were a certainty, and instead of either Aaron or Philip getting a chance, Cowell sidestepped a vote and allowed the public to choose a singer who got through because she is 11 years old, and not because it was fantastic (even though her being 11 years old is irrelevant, as we were repeatedly told by people who marvelled at her voice "for an 11-year-old).  With loads of singers in the show, the others won't get a look in, except the young comedian.

Martin & Marielle

These two were very interesting in the auditions, and deserve the airtime. However, they are not likely to get through whatever they do.

TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams:  "It was an incredible start to the show."  Nicely predictable, David.
Alesha:  "A great performance."  That's inventive, Alesha.
Amanda:  More congratulations and telling them to stop worrying about a small blip.
Cowell:  "I do want one of you, though."  I think Simon fancies her.

This act was original and deserves applause for that.  At least there was no singing involved, for a change, and there is most definitely skill in abundance from these two performers.

MckNasty

A 'Drummer DJ' act is not something I think can win BGT.  As soon as it started I was bored to fuck.  He is simply playing the drums, with backing music.  Sorry, mate, I'm sure you're a nice guy but that counts for nothing at all in this competition.  Did I say I was bored?  Oh, yes, I did.  This is not very good.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "It was fresh, it was funky; brilliant."  Er, no!
Alesha:  "You got the party started; you're never going to be out of work."  Oh, so that makes him a winner then, eh?
Amanda:  "You've reinvented it.  I'm lovin' your boots."  How silly is that!
Cowell:  "You got the party started.  It's not easy when you're behind a drum kit to make this entertaining."  You said it, Simon - and he failed because it wasn't.

Sadly this was simply a drummer who had noisy music playing in the background.  That's not really entertaining, and his brother being Labrinth is completely and utterly irrelevant!

Jack & Cormac

Two likeable young chaps who will one day be pretty good.  At the moment though, this is rather low key stuff even if they're deemed 'cute' by the judges. Unfortunately the singing isn't up to scratch - it's that simple.  Let's see if they're patronised.

TMWSC Verdict: 5/10
Walliams:  "What is not to love about you guys?"
Alesha:  "You two are adorable.  When you winked at your friend it was so sweet."
Amanda:  "You are infectious.  You sound like kids when you're singing."
Cowell:  "We would need to work more on the vocals."

Right, so 'cute' and a dollop of guff from the judges who seemed to be looking for another Ant & Dec.  Nice boys, natural, but certain not yet a real talent.

Modupe

I thought her audition was good, but her style is slightly 'affected' and not quite genuine.  For this song, she ditched the small guitar (thankfully) and sang a mediocre song in a mediocre way, with a few dodgy notes.  The production was OTT and she was lost, as was her voice.  Rather poor.

TMWSC Verdict: 1/10
Walliams:  "That is the biggest change we've ever seen on a show."  Yes, David - for the worse.
Alesha:  "Well done for coming out and giving it a go.  I like Modupe stripped back with a guitar, organic." Alesha, you're talking bollocks - and this is the second mention of 'organic', so what's that all about?
Amanda:  "I thought it was brilliant."  Well stop fucking thinking, then, because it was crap.
Cowell:  "Very generic and no individual personality."  Well done for buzzing, Simon.

She said she wanted to show she was an 'artist' who's not just a one trick pony.  Wake up, luv - you're not an artist and you haven't done any tricks yet, not even the one that you mention!  Don't be calling yourself an 'artist' when you're going home.  Walk before you run.

Meat Diva

This was never going anywhere at all.  Nice people, but that is NOT one of the criteria for becoming a finalist let alone a winner.  This started off and I wished I was cutting the lawn with nail scissors.  She can't sing - the Cher bit was horrible.  How is this representative of the best Britain has got to offer?  As a 'spoof', though, it was okay.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "There's one thing this show is about and that is fun."  No, David, it's Britain's Got Talent (not fun).
Alesha:  She liked it even though she didn't want to
Amanda:  Thought it was camp and entertaining
Cowell:  "It's not the best thing I've ever seen or heard.  You did give it 100%." Oh well, in that case they should be headlining at the Royal Variety Performance, then!

As Simon said, maybe at Butlins this might have fitted in.  That's hardly an endorsement, though.  I can't say I ever want to see them again, even if this performance was not horrendous.

MD

"Our next act are a dance company."  Now it's your turn, Dec, to be a grammatical arse!  This is not going to be that good - I can tell.  Well, I've watched the last minute and decided this is pants.  There is absolutely nothing at all unique or special about this act.  Tame as fuck, to put it bluntly.

TMWSC Verdict: 4/10
Walliams:  "In a word - fierce.  You really showed us something special."  Liar, David!
Alesha:  "The best workout routine I've seen in my life.  An explosion of energy."  Yes, that's right, a workout routine -that is all!
Amanda:  "You're all mentalists.  You're so intense."
Cowell:  "I liked the costumes.  I wouldn't have all of you in the group; there are too many weak members.  I'm not jumping out of my chair."  I am jumping into the waste disposal unit where being shredded is more enjoyable than watching MD dancing.

A spokeswoman for the dancers said: "Taking all the comments, we took then on the shoulder."  This girl then proceeded to warble on about shite in a shit accent that meant I hadn't a clue what she was saying.

Alice Fredenham

I love the voice - simple as that

TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams:  "You are every inch the star.  Truly stunning."
Alesha:  "Majestical and hypnotising."
Amanda:  "Old Hollywood thirties."
Cowell:  "Liquid platinum."

Her voice is wonderful.  Aside from the usual hype and controversy, she at least displayed a talent, something that has not been on display so far tonight.

Jack Carroll

There's a benevolence on the part of the audience, and an appreciation of his disability, even if it does dominate the humour.  He is certainly funny, although it's so hard to compare his act with others.  I like him and I reckon he'll get the public vote.

TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams:  "You are the next Peter Kay."
Alesha:  "That was fantastic."
Amanda:  "Extraordinary."
Cowell:  "I absolutely love you; a wicked sense of humour."

"It were all right" said Jack.  It were.

Gabz Gardiner

Sadly she decided to sing the same song as the audition a couple of days ago. It's a catchy song, and with the extra backing track, and the backing singers it sounded rather more polished.  Fair play, and it will give the two main acts a run for their money.

TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams:  "Get that song on to i-tunes."
Alesha:  "You have an amazing future ahead of you."
Amanda:  "Amazing."
Cowell:  "The kids have taken over this show.  The song is a hit."

She has the most engaging smile of the competition.  It's going to be a close run thing tonight.


Jennifer Lopez

Sadly this was of rather poor quality, and the applause was simply because she is Jennifer Lopez and NOT because it was any good!  What an embarrassingly crappy performance of an embarrassingly crappy song.

TMWSC Verdict: 2/10


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28.5.13 Silly Things

John Terry

John Terry regularly changing into Chelsea kit, despite not having played at all, so that at the end of the game he can lap up the applause along with players who've just run around to win a game.  Nob head.

Apple Carts

I have never even seen a fucking apple cart, yet I am accused on a regular basis of having upset one, or I at least acknowledge that I've metaphorically upset one.  Do they exist anymore?

Pear Shaped

What the hell is wrong with pears that they get such a bad press (other than when being squeezed for cider)?  In fact, there is no excuse for this bullying of pears when cider is in fact rather tasty!  Describing something as 'pear shaped' should not be derogatory.

Dale Winton

Dale Winton's posture is most definitely silly.  This peculiar hunched position and lack of neck mobility means we have to watch him turning like a puppet, rather than a human.  Does he want me to take that as my final answer?  Yes! Hopefully that's 'locked in' now.

Ashley Cole

Quite simply a silly twat by all accounts.  The confusion on whether he will be captain of the team tomorrow was typical of Hodgson and the FA, who couldn't organised a shoot-out on a rifle range.  Cole leading the England team is rather a worrying thought, and I wondered whether the players would all prance around in their underpants, shoot someone or simply try to pull a female.  If the cap fits, Ashley, then at least she'll not get pregnant!

Samia Ghadie

Does she really think that anyone gives a toss about her new breasts?  Or her day-to-day life with Sylvain Longchambonbonbon?  Sorry, luv, but there's no reason for you to be disclosing trivia to the media about the three tits involved - four, counting you!  "I'm definitely happy about them" is not the quote I wanted to hear today by a Longchambon shot!

Liberace

The people who decided that a film about Liberace starring Michael Douglas and Matt Damon were deluded and confused.  The end result is a film that I would not watch even if I was invited to a premiere, or was posted a free DVD. What a totally unattractive spectacle is Michael Douglas mincing around a set with Damon in tow.  Surely there must have been something else to do with a few million dollars?

Will.i.am

Enough said.

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27.5.13 BGT - The First Semi Final

Martin Healey

Dancing whilst holding a mop to "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music" is a shit way to start the show.  The fact that Martin Healey has dressed the mop as a nun is sadder than sad, and so embarrassing - surely?  The dancers behind him highlight just how shit he is, and how little was on offer by way of entertainment.  We switched music a couple of times, and I recognised 'Le Freak' - indeed!

TMWSC Verdict: 0/10
Walliams:  "I think we've found the winner of Britain's Got Talent."  Nob.
Alesha:  "Barking Mad".  Too right.
Amanda:  "I don't think we've had such entertainment from a man with a load of stiffs."  Wicked.
Cowell:  "As a piece of entertainment, taking you out, it was okay.  It's not a proper act."

The judges have a lot to answer for - they put this bloke through!  Absolute shit, and it deprived a worthy semi-finalist a slot on the show.

Band of Voices

This was disappointing, considering the audition showed them to be rather talented.  Not a good song choice, and it was okay rather than amazing.  Not so bad that the group should be renamed "Banned Voices" but nowhere near as good as the first time I saw them.

TMWSC Verdict: 6/10
Walliams:  "Haunting."
Alesha:  "Serious business."
Amanda:  "Vocally brilliant."
Cowell:  "When you started I thought you'd really ballsed this one up."

Very impressed with Simon Cowell's use of language, especially before the watershed!  He went on to say that they got  bit better and it picked up, but I was with him on the concern.  NB: Alesha's comment about a 'brilliant song choice' was not brilliant.

Youth Creation

Next up ARE a dance act from Essex - poor grammar, Ant.  Get with it!  I was not looking forward to fidgeting and screaming kids who've been taught how to perform, just like performing seals.  This was simply 'assembly' with the kids wearing bright colours and moving around.  Bollocks.  I have no reservation about upsetting parents, teachers, judges or the public; it was shit, and kids are not talented, even if they are deemed 'cute' - a term that's shit and patronises.

TMWSC Verdict: 5/10
Walliams:  He lied.
Alesha:  She lied.
Amanda:  She patronised them, and annoyed the fuck out of me.  "Good crimping???"
Cowell:  "Best act of the night so far."  Liar!  Twat.

Patronising kids is apparently now a legitimate sport - fucking atrocious and simply wrong!

J-Unity

A stupid name for a band if ever I've heard one.  It started and I wished it hadn't. This was the sort of stuff that they'd dish out as banter in their front room, and that's where it should have stayed!  I suspect it was better live than at home. Nevertheless, this was a cliche and trying too hard to be cool.  A jamming session is not a good substitute for a performance on BGT, chaps.

TMWSC Verdict: 4/10
Walliams: "Such a special chemistry between you, an infectious sense of fun," Yeah, hmmmmm.
Alesha:  "You are special."  Too right.
Amanda:  "It's really relaxing watching you."  Yep, I was comatose.
Cowell:  " You are related, yeah?  You had fun."  I didn't.

This was below par, and I am not looking for an act where the contributors "feel comfortable" on stage.  This is not proper talent at all.  Time for a third commercial break, after the obligatory shit competition info.

Bosom Buddies

Brenda and Bernie - oh fuck.  Are we seriously saying that BGT is going to be won by this duo?  Yes, they each have a voice that can pass as okay, and they are novel . . . but that's as far as it goes because this is never ever going to be a winner of anything.  The drag aspect of this act is pathetic, and these two obviously want an excuse to don dresses - pink ones tonight.  Only Cowell buzzed, sadly.

TMWSC Verdict: 2/10
Walliams:  "It defies categorisation."  You're right,there, David.
Alesha:  "I felt like I was at a wedding."
Amanda:  "One of the most understated, subtle performances we've had on the show."  Crap.
Cowell:  "In the real world this is just too mad."  Exactly!

Alesha, is your feeling like you're at a wedding the benchmark for the nation's enjoyment now?  This was not good - just mildly odd.  If this is all the talent that Britain's got, then we're fucked.

Philip Green

This guy was funny as fuck, just being himself, at the auditions, without any of the actual impressions.  Tonight, we had Stacey Soloman overdose before Louie Spencer kicked in to save the day.  Too much

TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams:  "You're very bendy, aren't you."
Alesha:  "You are so adorable.  You are gonna have a career whatever happens."
Amanda:  "I prefer you when you're loose and mental."  Yes, correct!
Cowell:  "Naturally likeable, but like a dog who needs training.  Not as good as the first audition."  Correct, Simon, but he's still naturally talented, entertaining and odd as fuck.

Arisxandra

The stereo-typical child prodigy doing a ballad as though she's 20 instead of 11 years old.  False, and not quite right, even though she can undoubtedly sing. Is this how to determine talent these days?  I have nothing against her but have serous doubts about applauding an 11-year-old who can portray a rendition of a song as though she were 20.  Hmmmm.

TMWSC Verdict: 6/10
Walliams:  "I've no doubt one day you'll be sharing your talent with the world."
Alesha:  "You sing a song like you've had all these life experiences."  Er, no, Alesha - my point exactly!
Amanda:  No proper comment, just a couple of lame questions.
Cowell:  "I'd like to dedicate this one to Greece."  WTF???

She can sing, even though tonight she was rather nervous.  So, do we go with her because she can sing, or reject the whole concept because she should be doing something that 11-year-olds do?  I was not at all enthralled or entertained because if her age is irrelevant (as Simon was keen to point out) then she was an average singer singing a song that I actually didn't want to hear.

Aaron Crow

A person who's enigmatic - that's a nice change.  His audition was fantastic.  I have been warned by Ant not to try this at home, and I am somewhat disappointed because I was planning to decapitate Mrs MWSC!  Dec was shitting himself on this act, as he tried to work out what was going to happen. An excellent performance and act!  Rather obvious, because the ring was never in the apple, but still excellent, especially as the audition was superb.

TMWSC Verdict: 7/10
Walliams:  Can't remember him saying anything worthwhile.
Alesha:  "Women are gonna love you."
Amanda:  "You are international man of mystery."
Cowell:  "It was good, not as good as the first audition."

As per Simon's comment, not as good as the audition, but nevertheless this chap is intriguing.

Richard & Adam

I like these two, because they are normal chaps with an undoubted talent, even if  am not a fan of this type f music.

TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams:  "You made an impression."
Alesha:  "You've gone to another level."  What a tired line, Alesha.
Amanda:  "Spine tingling."
Cowell:  "You will not be back in the sandwich shop."

Apart from Walliams hoping for an affair with the boys' gran, this was a straightforward judging session which confirmed the two singers were rather good.

Let's see what the voting produces.

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27.5.13 Double Gloucester Police

Is this what it's come to in the UK?  Policing has now sunk to an all time low, where an 86-year-old is threatened.  How the cuntin fuck does the police force decide that three policemen are needed to deliver a message that amounts to fucking harassment when the woman has done nothing wrong.  If she wants to make a round of cheese so that some people can chase it down a steep hill, then that's her right.

Diana Smart has made the cheese for this event for 25 years. Cooper's Hill near Brockworth is the site of this amusing event where people decide to try their hand at running downhill after a lump of cheese.  Yes, there are casualties from time to time, but so fucking what!  Health & Safety concerns are supposed to be considered in circumstances where health and/or safety are compromised without the victims knowing.  The protection of the general public and employees is a reasonable endeavour, but there is a difference between a plug socket in a marquee, at a fair, that might explode and kill a passer-by, and the rather more obvious risk that running down  a steep hill entails.

In summary, then, the policemen who tried to intimidate Mrs Smart should be ashamed of themselves, and the senior person sending them to do so wants a kick up the backside.  This "Treble Gloucester" incident shows just how fucking screwed up the UK is.  Meanwhile, people are being attacked and beaten up, mugged, burgled and worse.  Nice to know what the priorities are; in case you're in any doubt whatsoever, the priorities for police are:

1 - Catch out motorists and fine the fuck out of them
2 - Avoid doing anything quickly, especially in response to burglary
3 - Find something to do - anything - so that real policing is left to unqualified 'support officers'.
4 - Spend a fortune protecting celebrities, or investigating some numb fuck who's pissed off about phone-tapping of chewing gum stuck to the sole of his wife's Jimmy Choo shoe.

Madness

..

27.5.13 Britain's Got Talent 2013 - Get Ready

At last we've got to the semi-finals of Britain's Got Talent.  This is the week where the TV schedules get mucked up because of the daily input, with BGT hogging prime time.  It would be more accurate to call the programme BATROTWINIGT.  Britain and the rest of the world (including Northern Ireland)'s Got Talent.  At last we can avoid the pathetic attempts of pointless individuals who get a few minutes of infamy.  I have been annoyed when the judges have declared that someone has got potential.  Unfortunately this is not a show where people can develop and be worked with (eg. X-Factor) but rather a show where the acts are supposed to be entertaining, and not a work-in-progress.

The semi-finalists include the mad and wacky as well as the good and very good.  What a complete wind up though, when the judges have such an ina-fucking-bility to put through a suitable number of acts.  I know the whittling down process means that many who got put through to the semi-finals will in fact be rejected, but to have such disparity in the numbers is pathetic. People's lives have been unduly tampered with, and to be the subject of a wind-up is hardly nice, especially when you have to get yourself to London to be told you're out.

175 acts were 'put through'; or, more correctly, put into a holding bay pending the annual game whereby the judges undo the 'yes' votes and admit they were lying.  When BGT started, there was not such a great difference in numbers. This time, 130 acts who were told 'yes' and were elated in the last few weeks, were not dispensed with, to leave 45 filling the live shows.

As ever, there are numerous singers, and we'll all be debating the merits of a competition where singing dominates while 'variety' struggles to actually get the votes.  For most of the non-singers, it's an outing and hopefully exposure enough that they then are able to enhance earning a living on the back of TV airtime.  As for the younger singers, I am not sure it's really what we need.  An 11-year-old girl singing "One Night Only" has an unsavoury ring to it. Arisxandra Libantino warbled:

You've got one night only, one night only
That's all you have to spare
One night only
Let's not pretend to care
One night only, one night only
Come on, big baby, come on
One night only
We only have 'til dawn.

Hmmm - what do you think?  As for Asandra Jezile, another 11-year-old, I would argue that Rihanna is most definitely NOT any sort of role model. Singing Shite Like A Diamond was hardly a good call, and that was actually reason enough to have led to disqualification.  This girl should be singing something else.

One unattractive prospect is the further forced viewing of dance troops boring the arse off me.  The auditions were littered with run-of-the-mill hoards all (well most) moving in time to background noise.  The judges still manage to talk shit and pronounce that they "had great energy".  They fucking should have; for two minutes, these young people ought to be able to dance and fidget in some sort of prescribed way!  This is not talent, but learned behaviour.  A mouse managing to negotiate a small maze to get to the cheese in the middle is hardly fucking talent.  QED.  [PS: the worst kind of dance group is the one comprising girls in the 5-12 age range, who squeal like fuck, and do my head in.  NO, Amanda, they are not 'cute' at all - just aggravating to eardrums, and offensive to the genre of entertainment, let alone talent.  The mums and dads are deluded if they think that little Winifred (and her half-Canadian sister, Winnipeg?) are in any way talented because a teacher at the primary school drags them into the school hall in the lunch hour and suggests that if they all do what they are told, they might be winners on BGT.  Sad but fucking true.

I shudder to think of how many times I will hear during the next week "What would it mean to you to win?" and the lame responses that will basically be "Everything" along with the occasional affirmation that "This is my last chance", even from 11-year-olds.

I am sure the semis will throw up some incidents upon which I can comment, so let's see later.

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27.5.12 TV Adverts & Bollocks

Dyson

Victoria Wood is a talented actress and writer, a good comedian and without doubt a one-off.  Sadly she has associated herself with an advert for Dyson in which gobbledygook is relayed in her voice-over for the 'Hot & Cool' contraption. The dodgy science (bollocks) comes from the assertion that this cleaner works to do a fantastic job through "inducement and entrainment".  The first of these is in fact a word, although it is misused in this instance.  The second is not a word at all, and has been cooked up by some marketing twats to try and make us marvel at Dyson.  As I said - bollocks.

Admiral

Sadly, and irritatingly, Admiral car insurance adverts have become more annoying.  The company has succumbed to the stupid fucking obsession with singing, and has joined the likes of the Halifucks, Confucked.com and GoCuntPair.  Yes, we are now forced to hear the stupid words of a song while trying to obliterate the shit being served up about multi-car insurance.  Admiral, this is all bollocks!

Nivea

The latest bollocks is a supposed concept that will do wonders for skin, with the application of a moisturiser while we are still in the shower.  Apparently this product, annoyingly described and labelled as "In-Shower Moisturiser" is to be applied when you're wet and then rinsed off.  What complete shit we are fed by an industry that simply doesn't stop inventing stuff that we all of a sudden need and cannot do without.  There is certainly no room in the English language let alone my world or my bathroom for "In-Shower" anything!  Bollocks.

Wickes

It seems that it's not good enough these days to sell stuff and try to make a profit.  All I want from a retailer of DIY products is a good/fair price, a reasonable choice, and for the good I want to be in stock.  I have no real desire to get too involved in the retailer's own thoughts, aims, ambitions and claims. However, I cannot avoid having to concern myself with the pride which is floating in the air as a result of Wickes being so brilliant [sarcasm].  "At Wickes, we're proud to give you 25% off all flooring until 31st May".  This is the line in the advert, and I am struggling to see why the fuck the company is "proud" because as far as I'm concerned, it's a straightforward offer where I either buy it or I don't.  If Wickes wants to entice me by lowering the price of a product in the hope that sales will rise, then fine - that is commerce.  However, I resent the fact that in trying to sell me shit, the company is somehow proud to do so!  Bollocks.

Cash Converters

It is amazing how companies see themselves, and somehow pat themselves on the back.  The latest 'champion of the consumer' is Cash Converters, which advertises using the slogan "Fighting back against unexpected bills".  Let's just analyse this for a moment.  Exactly where is the "fighting" in this supposed battle?  Are we all being attacked by bills we didn't know were coming our way?  No, of course not, and the bills we are getting and almost certainly NOT unexpected.  There were always en route and we knew damn well we were going to get them.  The amount of any bill may well be a bit higher than we expected, but the bills themselves were never unexpected.  Now, if a bill that we get as part of normal life is slightly larger than we might have expected, and it is necessary to "fight back", then the last fucking thing in the world one should do is take out a high interest loan - one of the services offered by Cash Converters.  Neither does it make sense to dispose of possessions at around 20% of their value.  Finally, the phrase "fighting back" suggests innocence on the part of the one having to fight back.  Well, a bill will arrive on the door mat for services or goods or fines, and the money owed will be appropriate for each individual.  Anyone overspending or being a twat will no doubt be asked for more money than they have, after being unable to manage credit.  There is no cause which justifies a "fighting back" approach.  What bollocks.

Wether's

To pictures of a girl entering a 'shop', a woman on the voice over recalls: "The first time I went to my favourite caramel shop".  What bollocks is this?  I challenge anyone to declare that he or she has a favourite caramel shop.  I've never fucking been in one, let alone compile a list and decide which one is my favourite! The high street is full of charity shops, and £1 or 99p shops, not pissing caramel shops.  What's then more annoying than this fantasy we're exposed to is the caption at the bottom of the screen as the girl enters the 'shop' - in small writing it says: "Product Development Kitchen". So it's not a fucking shop, then, is it !!!  I've known for a long time that any writing, whether small or large, at the bottom of any advert is where the offer being talked about is undermined and the whole thing's a lie or has many catches.  The only real exception is where the nanny state demands that a retailer puts Gambleaware" or Drink Responsibly, because without such helpful (small print?) advice, we'd all drink like cunts and lose our houses in a hand of poker.  By the way, where's the one for loans at 4000% interest - Beware Borrowing from Bastards. Werther's (in all its guises, Original or not) has lost the plot.  Bollocks.

Right Guard

Please can someone explain to me why deodorant needs to last 72 hour? Even Eddie Murphy needed only 48hrs, although he later needed Another 48hrs.  Anyone who buys 72-hour deodorant is advertising the fact that they're a dirty cunt; why else would there be a need for such a long lasting spray?  If the purchasers of this product then proceed to test out the endurance of the product, they can fucking well steer clear of me.  Even if they do not smell horrible, I will have a low opinion of them for not washing daily anyway!  I reckon the product is bought by people with a body odour problem, or particularly fat/immobile people who think that the claimed extra length of protection is in some way a simultaneous upping of the power to mask.  It cannot be any stronger unless it chemically fuses pores so one cannot sweat at all; yuk.  There is no place for a 72hr deodorant in civilised society.  The concept is bollocks.

L'Oreal Men Expert

With no real surprise, it's the French who've managed to go one better, with a ludicrous 96hr deodorant!  I admit that I've not seen an advert for it on TV yet, but it's probably only a mater of time - and after slating Right Guard, there is no justification for not drawing to your attention the outrageous and disgusting product that suggests to men they might like to let L'Oreal take responsibility for their personal hygiene and avoid washing.This whole concept is bollocks.

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24.5.13 Dear Deidre Page

In recent weeks, there have been some laughable and ludicrous problems and responses on the problem page of The Sun.  Here are some examples for your amusement.

Dear Deidre
My family mock my boyfriend's accent and call him "sheep shagger" because he's Welsh.  I'm 22 and at Uni and he's the best thing about being away from home.  I'm from a pokey English village where everyone knows everyone's business and my family think I should go out with somebody from home.  I took my boyfriend to visit them but they mocked him all weekend and made jokes about him.  

TMWSC Says: 
Tell them all they are cunts, and to fuck off.  Don't bother taking him there again.

Dear Deidre
I fancy my teenage niece, even though she could be my biological child.  I am 43 and started a long-term affair with my brother's girlfriend who's now his wife, 22 years ago.  I stopped seeing her about a year after their marriage but I didn't stop loving her.  When she announced she was pregnant after their wedding, I wished she could have been with me.  I went on to meet a girl and get married but we've never had children and our marriage is run-of-the-mill.  I often wondered whether my niece is actually my daughter; the dates add up and she looks a bit like me.  She's started at Uni now and lives close by, so we see quite a bit of her. She's 19, a stunning woman and I cannot help but be attracted.  She was at our house the other day and I wanted to take her in my arms but I know it's wrong to feel this way.  If she were my niece, could we have a relationship?

TMWSC Says:
You thick, sick, deranged cunt!  Leave her alone and get help.  I feel sorry for your run-of-the-mill wife!

Dear Deidre
I keep dreaming that my boyfriend's cheating on me.  I'm 28, he's 29 and we've been together for four years; he's wonderful and I'm sure he'd never really cheat. He tells me he loves me and he'd never hurt me.  But I'm always catching him cheating in dreams; it all feels so real.  I wake up in the night or in the morning and I feel so angry with him for cheating on me.  I tell him and he gets upset that I could even think that.  My ex cheated on me and I don't want that again.

Deidre Says:
Dreams don't reflect what is really happening.

TMWSC Says:
You are a pain in the arse - give the guy a break and stop being a twat, or he'll have reason to look elsewhere.  As for you, Deidre, you're as bad as she is, with pathetic comments.  "Dreams don't reflect what is really happening" is the most pathetic response I could have imagined!

Here is an abbreviated 'problem' just so I can relay the funniest line:

Dear Deidre
My husband has chosen our dogs over me.  He says I should leave if I don't like it.

Deidre Says:
It's not surprising that you're at the end of your tether.

Dear Deidre
I can't stop ringing phone-sex TV shows.  I have spent hundreds of pounds on this expensive habit.  I'm 22 and live alone, and the phone sex is something to do.  I'm an outgoing guy and get on well with my male mates, but when I'm in a large group I go silent and don't know what to say.  Even in clubs, if I see a girl I like I don't have the confidence to say anything.

Deidre Says:
When you get the urge to phone one of these lines, ring a friend instead or go out.  Replace your expensive, embarrassing habit with one that's okay.

TMWSC Says:
Deidre, talk about advice that a cunting chimp could dole out!  Fucking amazing input! Sarcasm, of course!

Dear Deidre
My daughter cleans obsessively and I'm worried how she'll cope when she goes to Uni.  She's 18 and looking for her own flat, but she's developed all these cleaning rituals and gets upset if anyone disturbs her.  It got a grip when we were infested with mice, and her grandma and our pet dog died.

Deidre Says:
She needs proper help for her obsessive compulsive disorder.  Tell her GP she badly needs referral for therapy.

TMWSC Says:
Thanks, Deidre - I haven't a fucking clue what we'd do without you !!!!!

Dear Deidre
I am attached to an escort girl and I treat her like a girlfriend.  I've been seeing her at least twice a week for a year.  I take her to expensive restaurants and often buy her flowers and presents.  She often cancels at short notice, probably because she has another punter.  Lately she's started refusing me sex, saying she's tired.  Is she taking me for granted and messing with my emotions?  Is it time I stopped seeing her?

Deidre Says:
Yes.  The truth is she's not a real girlfriend and you're paying a hgh price.

TMWSC Says:
Well done, Deidre, you're so fucking switched on!
...

24.5.13 More Than Gets My Goat

Danniella Westbrook

In the Sunday paper, I was forced to see her stupid grin, and a feature that accompanied the headline: "I've gone from Gucci-furnished mansion to dole queue and 99p Store".  The blurb that filled the reast of the double page spread gave a detailed account of how she has managed over recent years to waste a ludicrous amount of money, and be a total twat.  The wastefulness and extravagance was obscene, and confirmed an attitude that was not nice.  What fucking cunting got my goat was the fact that having fucked up her life by blowing hundreds of thousands of pounds, she then proceeded to get housing benefit and child maintenance, before signing on.  She seemed oblivious to the appalling approach she's taken, saying that she is not proud and had to sign on to support her children.  This crassness is simply horrible.  The welfare state is supposed to be there to help people who need it.  Stupid arseholes who blow a fortune and expect money from the taxpayer are not worthy at all, and why she's so smug and pleased with herself over this story is beyond me. Spoilt does not begin to describe her.

Stan Collymore

Another arse in the papers this week.  Not for the first time, Stan Collymore's activities with women have been the centre of attention for some tabloids, and the unsavoury goings on have been disclosed by an equally stupid arse by the name of Hayley Wilson.  The atrocious behaviour is undoubted, on both sides. It seems that Stan wants nothing to do with her, or the twins she is apparently carrying, which she claims are his.  He's washed his hands of her, and even if the DNA test shows he's the father, he wants nothing to do with it all.  Nice! On the other side, she was quite happy to be picked up by Stan, and have sex immediately with the ex-footballer.  Nice, luv; very nice!  As for protection, neither mentioned it.  Ha!  Are these people fucking stupid or what?  She didn't know he already had a girlfriend, she claims, and neither discussed protection - but they were happy on the night to fuck like mad.  These two idiots are as bad as each other.  As for Ms Wilson feeling the need to expose all in a newspaper, typical and pathetic, but not actually surprising.  It gets my goat that I have to see this sort of Jeremy Kyle rubbish served up as news when it is little more than people with no morals shagging within an hour of meeting and not giving a shit about the consequences.  Deplorable.  I fear for the twins.

Nick Buckles

The head of G4S presided over a fiasco in the run to the Olympics in 2012, and yet despite the fiasco which caused the goverment to call in the armed forces to assist, he leaves the company with a package worth £16million.  This is unbelievable and simply awful.  There is no fucking accountability in this world anymore.  Disgusting.

David Nicholson

Another big payout for someone who should have been sacked came this week - with the announcement that David Nicholson will retire next year.  Oh yes, that's right, he will retire and collect a £2million pension pot.  The disgusting scenario whereby he will continue to collect his £211,000 per year salary before leaving next year is despite the complete shambles in the NHS and more specifically at Stafford Hospital, where many received poor care and/or died unnecessarily.  This bloke's got a fucking knighthood!  The standards of high office are a joke in the UK.  There is no fucking accountability at all. People just collect money and praise, while denying all knowledge of anything for which taking responsibility would be detrimental to their image or pockets. Whenever there's any sort of investigation, the people concerned generally "cannot recall" anything.  Disgusting.

New Homes in the UK

Non-UK residents from both Europe and from the rest of the world can now claim public money to subsidise their purchase of a new home.  The 'Help To Buy' scheme lets families put down just 5% as a deposit, with the government contributing 20% on a five-year interest free loan.  This is simply another benefit that will encourage people to arrive in the UK.  I understand the need to get house-building going, but how can we ever deter people from arriving from abroad to take advantage of numerous benefits, whether immediate or after a few months of working, if we do things like this.  People will simply arrive, and clean up.  It would be no surprise if someone managed to arrive here, buy a house with the government chipping in, and then end up on the dole, with housing benefit, tax credits and who knows what else.  What a mess.

Payday Loans

These loans should be called something else (how about Rip-Off Loans?) because many people have no job at all when they take out a loan.  Anyway, it turns out that 37% of those taking out a loan are on wages of less than £15,000 per year.  This rather proves that the poorest people in the UK are the ones targeted by the cunts who run these companies, and rip off the most vulnerable.  At the same time, they fuel the problems of society, and fuel the discontent.  The victims don't stand a chance, and some even thrive on not giving a shit, and playing the system.  Meanwhile, the government has done fuck all to stop the growth of the rip-off society.  Elsewhere, we can all be proud of the UK's new heritage - we are a nation of gamblers and drinkers, as uncontrolled growth in bingo, phone/text competitions, lotteries and straightforward gambling is phenomenal.  Still, that's all fine because each mercenary cunt-of-a-company puts "gamble-aware" or "drink responsibly" in small print somewhere.

This country is fucked up beyond all recognition.  I noticed this week a quote from Peter Tutton of the StepChange Debt charity: "What is needed is action to ensure lenders are conducting affordability checks, identifying those in financial difficulty and protecting consumers." Well, thanks for the politically correct nonsense, Peter.  I know you're trying to help, but my statement would be more appropriate, I think: "What's needed is instant reduction in the rip-off interest rates and other charges applied in relation to charges for letters and repeated payment requests these fuckers rack up; we need the government to get off its backside and stop this fucking disaster and force the greedy cunts running these companies to stop wrecking lives."  There.

Teachers Who Hide

All most walks of like, and in most jobs, one expects to have to demonstrate an adeptness for actually doing the fucking job.  It is far from uncommon for people to have to go on training courses, or to be assessed while performing whatever task it is that they perform, and for which they collect money.  It is therefore a shame that some people who have far from the worst existence in working life are now upset at having to be assessed, despite the importance of their roles.

I refer to teachers in Westwood Girls College who have no spunk at all, let alone confidence in themselves.  Why else would they object to someone watching them teach?  Chris Everitt was put in charge of the school (which was failing) and as is his right, decided that sitting in on some lessons to see what the teachers were doing would be a good way to see what action might be needed to improve things.  However, he's facing strike action after teachers claimed this would put them under intolerable pressure.  What the fucking fuck?  This school in south east London was placed in 'special measures' and it cannot be any coincidence that this happened when some teachers were not performing and having things suit them rather than pupils.  For teachers to threaten strikes, especially during exam season, is disgusting when there should NEVER be any issue with a teacher being observed in class.  Any teacher who objects must surely be hiding something - probably ineffectiveness, uselessness or some form of inadequacy - maybe just laziness.

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20.5.13 Bargain Cunt

I have no idea why the BBC thinks that it is entertaining for viewers to watch an inordinate number of programmes where amateurs and dealers buy shit and sell it to someone.  I had the misfortune to see the tail end of Bargain Hunt yesterday, and was dumbfounded.  It seems that to appear in this programme you need to have the ability to lose money.  Let's analyse some of the shit goings-n from yesterday.

A table was purchased for £125.  Tim Wannacock got the auctioneer's views and they included an expectation of £50 - £80 as a sale price.  It sold for £55 and so the team immediately made a loss of £70.  Don't forget, that's without commission which have taken nearly another £10 from the deal.  What a fuck-up.

Next, the two in the red team flogged a radio for £20 that cost them £15, so rather pathetic, eh?  I then marvelled as the poker stand which set them back £36 was duly disposed of at auction for £28.  Finally, the item bought by their dealer for £20 sold for £18.  This brought their overall efforts to a loss of £75 from the buying and selling of four items.  With commission that would have taken the actual loss to around £96.

The muppets on the blue team were next to show their skill.  A silver cruet set was likely to go for £50 - £80, said the auctioneer, on what was obtained for £70.  It in fact did go in that range, for £55, so a loss of £15.  A teapot bought for £75 was valued at £30 - £50 and went for £40.  I was seriously thinking, by this stage, that the only person worth listening to (and perhaps suitable for buying this fucking stuff in the first place) was the auctioneer!

The blue team faired no better with a large pot for which £150 was paid.  The auctioneer indicated £50 - £70 and it went for £75.  So, this was another £75 down the toilet.  The dealer (smug twat Mark) bought some old light bulbs in a small box for a fiver, and they sold for £22, unbelievably.  The end result, a £108 loss (with commission, it would have been £141, for fuck's sake).

The summing up led to some minor cheering because the reds lost less money, and Wannacock said goodbye.

What utter dross.

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19.5.13 Rihanna - Yawn

So, it seems Rihanna feels "exploited" following Topshop's selling of T-shirts bearing her picture without her authorisation.  WTF?  This is the woman who posts more pictures of herself on Twitter than anyone could ever want to see, many of them not only distasteful simply because they are of her, but also showing her in poses wearing little.  How can she be that annoyed while being so fucking annoying herself?

I read that the shirts were provided to Topshop by a third party, and the matter is not one that needs to be dealt with by the retailer.  This explains the continued selling of them, and lack of an apology to Rihanna that was demanded by her lawyers.  Apparently Topshop offered a goodwill and without prejudice payment of just over £3000.  I am not sure why  the bother was gone to.  Rihanna was offended, although nowhere near as much as I've been by her nauseating noise and annoying antics - plus the overload of pictures of her in the media.

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19.5.13 Britain's Got Talent Goes Wrong

This weekend's edition of BGT was evidence of the plot being lost.  I am sorry but the ability to do something sporty does NOT mean qualification for a 'talent' contest.  The many thousands of pounds spent to set up a diving pool and high board, viewing gallery and a load of H&S provision was money NOT well spent. These bods represented the UK at diving; right, but on that basis, the extras in 'Splash!' would be eligible for our attention!  What next?  Shall we set up a velodrome and get the judges to give four yeses to anyone who doesn't fall off? Lets get all the entrants to the 2012 Olympics to turn up and demand applause for having 'talent'.  It does not work, does it!

In summary, then - just because you can do something well does not mean it counts as 'talent' or is appropriate for BGT !

And so to donkeys.  I am confident they cannot paint.  In fact, I was fairly sure they couldn't paint before the one that appeared on stage was presented as an artist.  The animal was brought on and through no fault of its own, wasted five minutes of my life. Donkeys have no fucking place on BGT, unless they are providing rides for children.  Maybe that now counts as a talent?  Let's face it, divers can dive and supposedly qualify.  Maybe because I can drive a car I ought to turn up on stage with a small vehicle and drive it.  On second thoughts, I would like to see a donkey diving!  Donkey diving, donkey diving, hey ho!

The magician was good, and this was a good act to have on a talent contest, and took away the stupidity of the outside escapade to watch some diving. The donkey 'act' was a farce, but so too were the useless twats who wheeled out their talentless pets to match their talentless selves.  The face painting on the sides of dogs was the most useless attempt at entertaining anyone with multiple brain cells that I've ever seen.  To have decided upon a name - The League of Extraordinary Groomers - was overkill for a start, considering there was no basis for any name being needed, let alone one with 'extraordinary' in it. This shows that the three twattish women had no clue at all.  Then another dog act proved things can get worse, as a woman sat on stage and called the dog on - and it duly ambled on to the stage.  Dire shit indeed!  Then of course we had a racoon - proving surrealism exists.

The dancer was good, as was the ventriloquist, bringing the number of acts worth watching to THREE, after thirty-five minutes!

Then came the singers - the five excellent voices singing perfectly together.  What talent.  Then we finally got a few singing acts that were fine, plus the excellent guy moving his body weirdly.  Finally the sob story - it reminded me of Simon Bates on the radio years ago.  She could bloody sing though!!!!!!!!  NB: Better than Katharine Jenkins!

It's not surprising therefore that there's a bias towards singing overall.

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19.5.13 Soap Awards

I think the summary is quite simple - Eastenders has had its day, and is now a spent force.  What a feeble effort this time around.  The sixteen awards were spread out among the contenders as follows:

Coronation Street     8
Hollyoaks                5
Emmerdale              2
Eastenders              1
Doctors                   0

Let's be honest, Doctors is never going to win anything, considering it's shown in the afternoons and can never compete with the evening soaps.  I am not really sure why the cast members even bother to attend the ceremony at all, unless they simply like a night out to clap other people.  Eastenders, though, is the BBC's flagship soap opera, and always goes head-to-head with Corrie. What a failure then for the show to get just one award, and even that was the Lifetime Achievement gong - something given to someone who's stuck around a long time.  In this case, it was Adam Woodyatt who's spent 28 years being Ian Beale.  That's not really an award for Eastenders, but recognition of endurance by him, and the viewers for having to watch him.  So, well done to Corrie and to Hollyoaks.

Sadly Corrie is also a record breaker in that it's currently able to 'boast' four counts of stars past and present on charges of indecency/abuse/rape.

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19.5.13 Clarkson On Form Again

What's the fucking problem?  There are moans and groans because Jeremy Clarkson has added to his long list of outbursts with one on kids on planes. He's suggested that they should not be allowed to fly until they learn to behave, and so belong in the hold.

He has got a valid point.  When I get on to a plane, there are just three things on my mind.

1 Can I find the required number of seats together (if travelling in a group)?
2 Is there space to put my case in the overhead compartment?
3 Will I be lucky enough not to have to endure a flight contaminated with a nauseating and/or noisy fucking kid?

On my last flight, the kid in the row in front was travelling with two fucking useless parents, and it managed to climb under its seat and up on to Mrs MWSC's lap in our row - without the parents noticing.  Fucking nuisance needy kid, and parents not fit to have a kid.  Their reaction was pathetic as well.  They were totally ineffective, pandered to the little runt, and were drippy as fuck.

So, Clarkson is on the money with this one - kids should be well behaved or keep off planes.  Sadly he did not go far enough.  Parents who are as bad as the kids should be stuck in the fucking hold!

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18.5.13 Eurovision Song Contest - The Voting

The Results

Petra: Malmo, are you ready for the final countdown?"  I though we'd be getting Bon Jovi but no, the lines were closing.

Bonnie Tyler was not up to scratch, I'm afraid, because her voice just was not strong enough - what's happened to it?  Total eclipse of the voice!  After the clip of Bonnie Tyler in the run up to the final tonight, we returned to the venue with Petra murdering something or other.  Who commissions bollocks like this?  I know that the votes have to be added up, but surely to God there's a better way of filling time than watching what was worse than something a class at junior school would put on to entertain doting parents.  The 'Swedish Smorgasbord' was decidedly unappetising.

Eric was introduced to us from the 'green room', and Graham Norton quickly got into the piss-taking mode.  Sarcasm oozed.  "There can only be one winner" was mumbled by some adjudicator bloke, and GN said: "Unless it's a four-way tie".  The Winner Takes It All was sung by Sarah Dawn Finer, and then we got to the votes.


San Marino - Greece gets 12 points: What the fuck?
Sweden - Weirdly dressed chap.  Graham: "His real name's Kevin - he's big in Japan".  12 pts to Norway; what a surprise!
Albania - 12 pts to Italy from the Alexei Sayle lookalike
The Netherlands - 12 pts to Belgium (keep it local, eh?)
Austria - 12 pts to Azerbaijan
United Kingdom - How the fuck has the UK given 8 pts to Greece?  12 pts to Denmark.  Snap.
Israel - Graham: "This is Offal".  Actually, I think I misheard that.  12 pts to Azerbaijan
Serbia - 12 pts to Denmark. Snap.
Ukraine - The result-giver was dressed as a clown (?)  Weird as fuck!  12 pts to Belarus
Hungary - Graham: "She's always hanging out by that bridge, every year."  12 pts to Azerbaijan
Romania - The first points for the UK (they're coming here next year).  12 pts to Moldova
Moldova - 12 pts Ukraine
Azerbaijan - She took fucking ages to get on with it!  12 pts to Ukraine
Norway - 12 pts to Sweden (next door neighbour)  Graham: "The Clare Balding lookalike not doing as well as he'd like".
Armenia - 12 pts to Ukraine
Italy - 12 pts to Denmark.  Snap.
Finland - 12 pts to Norway (next door neighbour)
Spain - 12 pts to Italy
Belarus - 12 pts to Ukraine (what a surprise)
Latvia - 10 to Estonia, hmmmm, and 12 pts to Russia
Bulgaria - "Malmoo" ?? 12 pts to Azerbaijan
Belgium - 12 pts to Netherlands (next door)
Russia - 12 pts to Azerbaijan

With the Balkans not in the competition, but still voting, the real issues here are all surrounding the ex-soviet bloc.

Malta - 12 pts to Azerbaijan
Estonia - 12 pts to Russia
Germany - 12 pts to Hungary
Iceland - 12 pts to Denmark.  Snap.  As if there was ever any doubt about that!
France - 12 pts to Denmark.  Snap.
Greece - Graham: "There's a dress-and-a-half."  12 pts to Azerbaijan
Ireland - 12pts to Denmark.  Snap.
Denmark - 12 pts to Norway (surprise).
Montenegro - 12 pts to Azerbaijan
Slovenia - Graham: "Andreas has dressed well; looks like he's just left a science fiction convention."  12 pts to Denmark.  Snap.
Georgia - 12 pts to Azerbaijan
Macedonia - Graham: "Is he standing outside a prison?"  12 pts to Denmark. Snap.

How weird - for the first time the winner was announced before the voting was completed.  Then voting continued . . what a silly piece of organisation by the Swedes!

Cyprus - 12 pts to Greece (no surprise of course)
Croatia - 12 pts to Ukraine
Switzerland - 12 pts to Italy
Lithuania - "I love you Bonnie Tyler".  Nice chap.  12 pts to Azerbaijan

So Denmark is victorious and I must say that this was no great surprise to me.

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18.5.13 Eurovision Song Contest - The Singing

The 58th contest got underway at 8.00pm, with Graham Norton confirming he was glad to see the back of Baku, last year's venue.  A caterpillar wandered around Scandinavia as Norton commentated on its progress, which included a journey in a vehicle to cross the bridge to Malmo.  The two Bs in ABBA wrote an anthem that was sung by a choir to open proceedings, and it was a long way short of Riverdance.  Instead it was more like the soundtrack to a corny Disney film.

The entrance of numerous flag-wielding performers/representatives was like the Olympics and took rather a long time, adding to the phenomenal length of the event.  I considered that maybe fifteen years ago, there were probably about ten countries fewer than tonight, with so many having either been at war before splitting or simply dividing.  These are the countries who vote for each other despite shooting at each other for years. As it turns out, none of the Balkan countries has got through to this final!

Petra Mede set the scene with 'authority' and clarity, and gave us all the rules. The 26 participants in this final will get votes from around Europe (and beyond, because as we all know, the Eurovision contest is in no way linked to 'Europe') although the UK is unable to manage text voting.  How pathetic is that!

France - L'enfer Et Moi

Amandine Bourgeois sang something or other that was simply not very good.  I think Graham said it meant "Hell and Me" and whilst it was not hellish, she got carried away with herself and descended into wailing out. Enthusiastic but just noisy.

Lithuania - Something

Graham: "The stylist should be sacked; to be honest you'd dress better to see the contest."  Andrius Pjavis sang a load of drivel including information on shoes, using a non-tuneful approach.  'Because of my shoes I'm wearing today . . . ." WTF?  "One is called love, the other is xxxx".  Replace the xxx with 'pain' or 'suede' - could not hear for shit.

Moldova - O Mie

Aliona Moon in a fancy dress.  Fuck knows what she was singing about, but there's no denying she is stunning.  Easy enough of the ear (and eye) and the dress was a good twist.  Her hair was rock solid with spray, and she could head-butt a rhino and win.

Finland - Marry Me

Krista Siegfrids saying "I do it for jew" because her inability to say "you" had an effect.  I'd say that it spoilt the song, but that was actually impossible because it was utter crap.  If this wins, I believe the UN should consider sanctions against Finland.  Truly awful, and it has relied in the build up, on forced controversy because of the lesbian angle.  How dire.  Fuck off and revert to the hard rock.  Pathetic bollocks!  If her boyfriend hasn't proposed, then he's got some sense.

Spain - Contigo Hasta El Final

ESDN was the group, using a 'traditional Spanish bagpipe', according to Graham.  The woman in yellow seemed sweet, even though she was off key for some of the performance.  It picked up a bit half way through and became acceptable after the wobbly start.  Pretty good.

Belgium - Love Kills

Graham: "If love doesn't kill us, the choreography will - it's quite woeful." Roberto Bellarosa singing while a couple of women prance about behind him, looking like twats.  GN was totally correct with 'woeful'.  The song was as average as it could possibly be.

Estonia - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Birgit sang nicely.  GN revealed she is five months pregnant, possibly explaining the dress.  Good effort, and rather easy to listen to.  Graham: "Charmingly retro; it could have been representing Luxembourg in 1978."

Belarus - Solayoh

Alyona singing a complete and utter rip off of Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance in the opening sequence and general styling.  If the aim is to be memorable, then I suspect she'll manage that, and get a few votes, despite the song being rather weak.  If the votes are for length of legs, she'll do well.  Should be eliminated / sued.

Malta - Tomorrow

Gianluca ripping off Train (Hey, Soul Sister) with a twist of Ed Shearan in styling.  This is out of order completely.  WTF?  Should be eliminated / sued.

Russia - What If

Dina Garipova singing a ballad.  Almost Karen Carpenter in style even if no one on earth could match her.  Sadly the ballad got noisy and generic in the end. Graham mentioned Ambrosia Creamed Rice when describing her frock.

Germany - Glorious

Cascada singing a dance anthem that never made the mark - sorry, made the euro.  Sorry but this was shit, forgettable and awful - certainly not glorious at all.

Armenia - Lonely Planet

Dorians dressed in jeans provided a lacklustre version of a typical rock ballad with a bit of wailing and guitar music, singing about something pointless. Sorry, chaps, a no-go.  The lead singer's eyebrows stole the show.


Petra's little section allowed her to play the crowd and lap up the attention, before she introduced more singers.  At least she is managing on her own and not having to share shit banter with a greasy-haired smarmy bloke.

Netherlands - Birds

Anouk simply singing a song and looking particularly attractive.  No gimmicks. Certainly individual even if not at all a catchy tune typical of eurotrash.  Well done for not churning out the usual stuff and daring to try something original. Hope it does well.

Romania - It's My Life

Graham: "Small children and pets should probably be removed from the room." After warning us that this song was "very Eurovision" we got Cezar performing in a weird-as-fuck way.  "Iteresting" was the word used by Mrs MWSC.  There is no doubt that this effort was odd, novel and funny.  His high voice was amazing seeing as he also sang so low at the start.  This song sums up Eurovision and was weird.  Graham: "That was Cezar proving that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should."

United Kingdom - Believe In Me

Bonnie Tyler proving that live performance is so much harder than we acknowledge because on the radio, this sounds okay.  Tonight, the sound was rather poor.  I don't see us doing that well.

Sweden - You

Robin Stjernberg singing something else that's a rip off but I cannot bring to mind the song it sounds like.  What the other nobs were up to on the stage I've no idea.  The song was catchy, but the 'dancers' should have been rounded up and caught, and locked up.  Graham suggested that with his hair down, the singer looked so like Clare Balding it was extraordinary."

Hungary - Kedvesem

ByeAlex sang in a tone like a lullaby which would send any child to sleep - actually, any adult as well.  This soft and comforting sound was not really a song at all, just a soothing sound.  Graham introduced ByeAlex confirming the spelling 'Bye' not 'Buy' and saying he wouldn't want us to read anything into it, and he's a nice boy.  This odd sound has a good chance.

Denmark - Only Teardrops

Emmelie de Forest trying to look like Joss Stone even if sounding rather different.  This will do well.  The flute sounds good and holds attention, while her singing is good.  She looks good and so overall, a very strong contender.

Iceland - Eg A Lif

Graham: "If it was a singing competition this man would do very well indeed." That rather sums things up, and it's not about the singing, but to do with politics and geography.  Eythor Ingi sang in Icelandic and so didn't help himself much.  I think he's the Icelandic Michael Bolton.

Azerbaijan - Hold Me

Farid Mammadov was introduced by Graham, and he also mentioned a woman in the act, with a quote that made me laugh.  Graham: "With a woman who should really have hemmed her dress."  As for the bloke in the perspex box, I've no idea what that was all about.  The song was pretty good and will do well.

Greece - Alcohol Is Free

As Graham pointed out, it's anything but free in Sweden, and you "have to sell your car to buy a pint".  This effort for Greece by Koza Mostra featuring Agathon Iakovidis.  Absolutely awful - fast paced rubbish.
Graham: "Not sure why they are dressed like a girls hockey team."

Ukraine - Gravity

Zlata Ognevic sang well enough and quite loudly, while looking good.  Wailed a bit though, and I did struggle with hearing a couple of the words.  I am sure I heard something that was either: "Why's it growing stronger" - or "Why's he grown a shonker".

Italy - L'Essenziale

Marco Mengoni singing, and being a bit boring, although he sang very well. Graham: "Should you appear with bed head?"

Norway - I Feed You My Love

Margaret Burger singing a strangely anthemic song that had a good beat and tried hard to be powerful.  In actual fact she managed to deliver the usual tired lines in a way that with the backing music turned out to be catchy and put it in a very strong position.

Georgia - Waterfall

Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani proving they are not Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.  The formulaic effort was however the sort of thing that does well, and so the cheesy format will get votes even though it wasn't very good, just noisy and with two voices that did not quite go together.  Graham: "I'm not sure about the dance move at the end; it looked like a dog cocking its leg."

Ireland - Only Love Survives

Far too much wailing by Ryan Dolan, for my liking.  Graham liked it but not for me.


Phone lines are only open for 15 minutes, and then we'll spend an hour adding up points.

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