Oh dear me, what a feeble line up on TV. Close inspection reveals the following points.
BBC1
10.00am - Homes Under The Hammer. If they were being demolished, it might be more entertaining than the usual auction shit and doing-it-up story.
2.15pm - Escape To The Country. Properties in the New Forest area. In that case, surely it should be "Escape to the Forest"?
7.00pm - Celebrity Mastermind. As if we are in need of yet another 'celebrity' version of a programme.
7.30pm - A Question Of Sport. How on earth has the BBC decided that Joey Barton is worthy to be included on this programme. Surely a multiple offender and convicted thug, who has served time and seems to be permanently a hair's breadth away from violence and controversy, is not quite the right sort of person for a jovial quiz. There are hundreds of other sports stars who go about their business with a touch of decorum, honesty and without nastiness who could have been invited to the show.
BBC2
3.45pm - Flog It! Auction show. Well fuck me, I'd never have coped without this advice on the content.
6.30pm - Great British Railway Journeys. Michael Portillo is still pissing about on trains. For the last two years, he's been backwards and forwards, waving a Victorian guide to the railways, and padding the BBC schedules. First at tea-time on BBC2, then repeated late on BBC1, and then again on BBC2 and then with British Sign Language late at night. He's back again, but as there's no "R" in brackets, it cannot be a repeat. He must have found some more stations to move between.
8.00pm - Mastermind. This is a double bill; yes, back-to-back half hour programmes, which seems a bit mad considering over on BBC1 there was the 'celebrity' version at 7.00pm. Talk about overkill.
ITV1
2.00pm - Dickinson's Real Deal. Visit to Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset, where an old necklace and earrings fetch a good price in the salesroom. Fucking riveting stuff, David! I cannot contain myself.
8.00pm - Safari Vet School. Veterinary students from the UK treat wild animals in South Africa. I cannot wait to see the 'exchange trip', where "veterinary students from South Africa treat wild animals in the UK". Maybe they can put down some rioters, or thugs (?)
2.30am - Deliverance. Excellent film, put on at half-past-two in the morning! Twats.
Channel 4
5.00pm - Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Non-celebrities eat each other's foods and eat away at the edges of our lives with inane chatter and crap entertainment.
6.30pm - Hollyoaks. Cheryl, Lynsey, Jacqui and Nancy worry about Cindy's disappearance. What a fucking story line that is! Tripe.
7.30pm - Come Dine With Me: Celebrity Special. How exactly does this differ from the shit served to us at 5.00pm? - and how does Channel 4 justify another helping? If I'd wanted seconds, I'd have gone and got more custard, not tuned in to this shit.
8.30pm - New Girl. Ms Deschanel may be pretty, but spelling your first name "Zooey" is not acceptable, and is possibly reason enough for a boycott of the programme.
Channel 5
5.30pm - Chinese Food In Minutes. Ching-He Huang teaches two taxi drivers to cook oriental food. Perhaps they'd be better served if shown how to take the shortest route to a destination, rather than how to handle a wok.
6.00pm - Eddie Stobart: Trucks And Trailers. The company invests in an airline. Well, if that's the case, I think the programme ought to be fucking renamed! How about "Trucks, Trailers and Planes" then?
8.00pm - World's Toughest Trucker. More stuff to prove Channel 5 is obsessed with truckers.
9.00pm - Celebrity Big Brother. Complete Shit
10.00pm - Celebrity Wedding Planner. More Shite
11.00pm - Celebrity Big Brother's Bit On The Side. Protracted Shit
12.00 Midnight - Nothing to do with 'Celebrity' - just shitty Casino.
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