A week ago, the Morrisons display of Walker's Crisps at the end of the aisle was tempting enough for me to grab a multipack, containing 18 bags. Now, I am quite used to seeing two types of multipack; one with a bias towards meaty flavours, so that it includes as well as Ready Salted, Salt & Vinegar and Cheese & Onion, a few Chicken, Bacon and Beef bags, and the other with a bias that means the inclusion of Prawn Cocktail, Worcester Sauce and something else. [NB: Whatever happened to Sausage & Tomato?] So, I picked up the large bag of the Meat ones, added it to my shopping, and away I went.
A short while later, while in the car, I thought I might have some crisps. To my disgust, I learned that the 18 bags comprised Roast Chicken, Steak & Onion and Smokey Bacon flavours - six bags of each. Meaty! Too fucking right, Meaty !!! There was indeed a bias, but the 'bias' was 100 per-fucking-cent. "All Meat" would have been a better and fairer way to have described the contents of the multipack. Fucking Walker's, and fucking Morrisons. I don't go for Bacon, and Steak is 'okay'. Being that I can't stand the Worcester Sauce and Prawn flavours, the 'meat variant' is preferable - but not 'all meat'. The mainstay varieties are essential to maintain balance.
This weekend, again at Morissons, I have come a cropper for a second time. I picked up some multipacks of Fruit-tella, which were at half price. Now, 5 tubes of Fruit-tella in a multipack for 62p is a right result, so I spent £2.48. What was not made clear at all was that the contents had been tampered with. They were not in fact the 'Fruit-tella' that we have all come to know over the last few decades. No - some cunt has fucked about with the packaging, design, colours, flavours and the taste.
On the car journey on Saturday, I discovered to my horror that there was something not quite right. Having put a sweet in my mouth, I pulled a face that might have been suitable if seeing the 'achilles heel' scene in Hostel for the first time. A check of the packaging revealed the problem.
Raspberry & Peach? Peach has no business at all being included in sweet flavourings! It has basically contaminated the rather straightforward Raspberry - Yuk! Next, I saw another option that seemed slightly more reasonable - Blackberry & Apple. Unfortunately this not uncommon combination did not work on the chemical level that was clearly so vital in the preparation of this sweet. Fucking rank! The third option was (and still is) Strawberry & Banana. These tasted of something akin to Banana, and so were 'passable'. The problem was that I was in my mind expecting the tasty, fruity, Fruit-tella that I've always known, and thirsts are not quenched by 'banana'.
So take this blog post as a warning. Be vigilant when shopping, and do not trust historical facts, because the bastards out there are keen to fleece us with inferior goods/products. What next? I'll tell you. Do not be surprised if when you next look at flavours, some cunt isn't trying to sneak in new flavour combinations, and nothing is 'out of bounds'. I predict Fruit-tellas will soon be available in:
Grapefruit & Starfish
Trout & Biscuit
Bamboo & Clothes Horse
...
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