As If the World Depended on a Couch
What we need for Christmas is a corner sofa, white
And leather would be good for keeping clean
I know we need a sofa as I’m brainwashed every night
Bombarded by the adverts on my screen.
I sit and watch the telly but I cannot quite relax
Unless I stick to watching BBC
Commercial breaks are full of people spelling out the facts
A four-year deal, completely interest-free.
Celebrities employed to tell me how amazed they are
Invade my space with rather stupid grins
They sit around and pose in ways so overly bizarre
And tell me when the season’s sale begins.
They tell the viewers (yet again) to come on down and buy
Before the brilliant offers disappear
Our lives depend on sofas is the message they imply
Though payment won’t be needed for a year.
Of course, there isn’t any point in rushing to the store
With ‘Sales’ extended every single time
So ‘Ends On Sunday’ means of course another week or more
Before the prices might begin to climb.
And even then, another range is worthy of a tout
Designer sofas with reclining seats
And so we are reminded what the world is all about
Four years to pay for bloody three-piece suites.
With Christmas gone there’s no relief from sofas in your face
The January silly season kills
For every slot available in advertising space
Is one more slot that sofa-madness fills.
The double discount mania invades and batters lives
Convincing us of needs we haven’t got
And if we make it through to Spring, the Easter Sale arrives
To drive us mad until we lose the plot .
There’s much to do in Summer time, but ‘sofa makers’ pray
For cloud and rain to keep us all inside
So as we watch the telly we can dream our lives away
On comfort that a sofa would provide.
For those of us who last the Summer, those who still resist
The Autumn brings another strong campaign
Another round of offers and of deals that can’t be missed
To drive the public even more insane.
And so it’s nearly Christmas as my palms begin to bleed
The adverts start again with no remorse
If ordered now, delivery in time is guaranteed
I look at what celebrities endorse.
A load of crappy furniture, just dodgy wooden frames
All covered with material and foam
A pile of tacky merchandise to which they lend their names
Yet much of it does not deserve a home.
Please save me from insanity, from Courts and SCS
From World of Leather, please, I need a break
And worst of all I crave escape from fucking DFS
And all the false reductions that they make!
Epilogue
I never turn my telly on, I sit and read instead
I thought that was enough, well wouldn’t you?
But still they found me, through the post, the invitation read:
‘There’s cheese and wine in-store, please come and view’.
...
©TMWSC
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