The worse mistake on TV in recent times was the ludicrous decision by Channel 5 to "save" Big Brother, after it died on Channel 4. I was so pleased to learn of its demise, and subsequently so annoyed that Channel 5 stepped in to add this programme to its existing portfolio of shit, utter crap, bollocks, cuntin' repeats, mind-numbing trash, relentless adverts and CSI.
Now we are treated to an array of "celebrities" for the latest offering. I will not of course be watching this shit, but I cannot let it go by without comment, because the line-up is a joke and begs input.
Natalie Cassidy - most probably a very nice person if you know her. But, how does she qualify as a celebrity, exactly? She used to appear in Eastenders a long time ago, and that's it. The only other outing in which she's featured was Strictly Come Dancing, another vehicle for fading 'personalities' to try and plant themselves back into the minds of the general public.
Andrew Stone - never heard of him but apparently he is a dance teacher at Pineapple Studios. Well, of course, that qualifies him as a celebrity, doesn't it! Bollocks. Desperate measures, Channel 5.
Kristina & Karissa Shannon - oh dear, oh dear. Two of Hugh Hefner's live-in girlfriends - are you serious? It would appear so; Channel 5 has landed a massive coup here, and secured the input of two pointless 'models' who may just (between them) have an ounce of something worthwhile to listen to for 5 seconds. Laughable selection.
Frankie Cocozza - I have said all I need to say about Co-cunt and the fact that he counts as a celebrity tells the whole planet what being a 'celebrity' now involves, and counts for. It does though seem to qualify him for a £30,000 fee. Appalling.
Gareth Thomas - apparently a rugby player. It seems that whatever shaped ball you throw, hit or kick now, you're a 'celebrity'. Every sportsperson is by some weird default setting a 'celebrity', as is anyone who's ever been on TV, radio, or played blind-man's-buff within 3 miles of a velodrome or sailing club. Sorry Gareth, you've transitioned from unknown to forgotten in one sentence. Who?
Michael Madson - an actor, from the USA. I reckon he does count as a celebrity. One down so far, then.
Nicola Mclean - airhead unattractive 'model' who just doesn't cut it. Dire addition to any house.
Kirk Norcross - another TOWIE TWAT. Let's all reward talentless people, please.
Georgia Salpa - an ex-girlfriend of someone-or-other and a model (who isn't, these days?) from Ireland. Another one with a massive contribution to the world - yeah right.
Romeo Dunn - or 'Dun Roamin' as might be a better name. Singer, possibly a 'celebrity' but I can't say his profile has ever surfaced anywhere within a square mile of me.
Denise Welch - is there anything she hasn't done? Coronation Street, Benidorm, SCS adverts, Waterloo Road, Loose Women, Dancing on Ice. She's a professional 'always on the TV' type person. Does that mean celebrity? Probably.
Natasha Giggs - saving the 'best' till last, here's the biggest joke of the lot. The woman who shagged her brother-in-law, fucked up the whole family, and has done nothing else, or anything good at all. The inclusion of this completely pointless individual is embarrassing - but not to Channel 5 for some perverted reason. Ryan Giggs may well have proved himself a bit of a cunt with his actions, and Natasha has certainly offered hers, but Channel 5 is a bigger one. Left with nothing, she's now apparently worthy of our attention and a fat fee for having screwed Ryan behind her brother's back (not literally - I don't think) for years.
Summary
Let us rewards the no-hopers, the has-beens and the never-was's. Let's give airtime to the airheads. Lets pay the twats loads of money to be twats on screen. Let's stretch the classification of "celebrity" to beyond the reaches of intellect and reasonable interpretation. Let's endure (worse than any Endurance episode from Japan) the excruciatingly awful saga to the point where we want to scream. No, actually, let's not !!!
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