Sickly As Fuck - licious
The usual floods of tears were provided at the "Judges' Houses" stage of X-Factor, with the Boys and the Over 25s categories being dealt with first. As ever, it was not all about the singing, but instead the contamination factors that included who might be likeable, and who might give viewers reason enough to pick up the phone and vote. Dermot O'Dreary was on hand to hug people, which is no more interesting to see than his voice-over on the Muller Light yoghurt advert is to hear. Still, at least he doesn't say, "Muller-licious" like fucking ShitSinger.
Elf
Louis Walsh displayed complete uselessness by seconding help - and third-ing it, and fourth-ing it! Yes, the dill-dally merchant needed assistance from three others. The line-up of four on the sofa made for pathetic television. Louis Walsh (aka the Elf) had brought along Shane Filan from Westlife (is there ever a time when Elf manages without him?) but this year he was not enough. Elf for some reason needed Sinitta to join in - I think this may have been a result of Simon Cowell telling Elf to find a way of including her. Whatever the basis for Sinitta being present, it was flawed. Is it an annual ritual to have to watch her parading in a bikini? Worse, though, was the inexplicable inclusion of an Appleton. I would be pleased to receive from any source on the fucking planet input to explain what the fuck Nicole Appleton has to offer anyone let alone in terms of judging.
All this judging input reduced not one iota the dragging out of the verdicts on the last six boys, and it did not stop Elf from asking the usual pathetic questions, such as: "What would it mean to you to get through?" Twat!
Nicholas McDonald deservedly got through. For some reason the scruffy-haired other youngster scrambled through (Luke Friend) despite not being particularly good. I rather think there's an agenda here that his image might be deemed useful in helping Elf to do well. This is the mentor who disposed of Alejandro at Boot Camp, though, so really there's probably no plan at all in the vacuum between Elf-like ears. Why Sam Callahan got through is anybody's guess. This chap is so average and indistinct, and can only be through because Elf thinks he'll appeal to the girls who squeal and scream. So basically Elf has one chance, with Nicholas.
Old Holborn
Sharon Osbourne managed to fair rather worse, and so perhaps needed more input than the single contribution from Robbie Williams, who managed to say nothing specific that warranted attendance at all. There was never any doubt that Sam Bailey was going to get through. This is the woman who's been a prison officer for the last three years, and who claimed not to have sung before to a large audience during the auditions - before it became known that she had in fact performed many times in the past, supporting some rather well know names. I therefore have a slight problem with someone who lied for no reason. Anyway, she can certainly sing and was never a contender for ejection. The other two places, though, went to Lorna Simpson (totally baffling) and Shelley Smith (simply fucking outrageous). Why on earth Zoe Devlin wasn't given a chance I've no idea; she was different, and stood a chance. So, OH, you basically have one chance, with Sam. Stop whinging about Dannii Minogue, OH, and sort your own life out.
Thomas The Tank
Gary Barlow, alias TTT, was joined by Olly Murs and the pair of them managed to chat about the groups with no real outcome. Apparently TTT really 'enjoyed it', as he confirmed to Olly after the singing had finished. I really haven't had the inclination to comment on the succession of groups appearing, most of which were mediocre at very best. Yawn. Oh, another 'visa issue' meant that one member convicted of conspiracy to rob, and theft. I failed to notice if there was a name change from 'Code 4' to 'Code 3'.
I reckon that rather than create groups out of leftovers early in the series, the groups should be created out of the rejects from Judges' Houses. Surely that would mean a chance of better quality groups? Maybe then we wouldn't have to hear the bleating and the pleas about how "we've worked so hard". TTT delivered verdicts to the rabbles, and I paid little attention. Apparently the "four who were three" group was "on point" whatever that means. They went home, though Then, the "two who were three" got through.
TTT lectured the three solo singers whom he'd cobbled together, prolonging agony. Eventually he said the three were through. "You deserve it so much" said Thomas. I have no idea why groups are included in X-Factor as whatever TTT might say or claim, they are always pretty shit.
Nicole Scherzinger
The anagram of "Screeching Nil Zero" feigned concern in all the right places, just in a nauseating way. Telling people "sing your heart out" is tiresome, Zero. "What would it mean to you to be in my top three?" is a a pointless and shit question, luv! Asking that of Tamera, a 16-year-old, is simply silly. Abi apparently wanted it "so bad" rather than "so badly" which would of course have been the correct comment. Again Nil asked "what it would mean to be in my top three?" and pissed me off. Jade came and went.
The Brummie came on next and mispronounced every word. The wailing elicited crap comments from Mary J Blige (should be 'Bilge') and Screeching. Melanie came on and caused Nil Zero and Blige to frown like fuck. "She opened up and let us in" said Blige. WTF? But then she said she was "looking for more". What, exactly? Bilge was simply a malcontent with a sour expression.
Hannah Barrett (aka Sob Story) was next up, wobbling and whinging and causing consternation in the faces of the two judges. "What does that song mean to you? asked Shitsinger, and we got sobsobsob before Blige gave her a hug.
The results were dispensed by Screeching in the shit way I expected. The cuts between takes meant we had no idea whom she was patronising. Abi was put through, so maybe Shitsinger has got something right. Jade and the Brummie went home, and Tamera was whispered to by Nil By Mouth, before having to answer more shit questions - fucking bollocks. Up-her-arse Shitsinger tortured Tamera needlessly before putting her out of hermisery with a "yes". Cuntish. Hannah and Melanie were left to fight for the last place, and Hannah started sobbing immediately. Zero said to Sbby that she had the Voice, Soul, Spirit and Attitude but that there was a lot of work to do. Yep - GCSE Technical Drawing is still a necessity. Shitsinger got rid of Melanie and then announced "That sucked". Yep, it cunting well did! The sobbing was atrocious when Hannah was told she was going through. I will not be able to stomach much more sniveling. Fuck off. I just hope Nicole does not win.
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