What a shitty week for television. I have picked out some of the 'low lights' for you, in case you're in need of warnings to keep away from the worst offerings. What's most notable about the week is the places that supposed celebrities get to in the name of entertainment. These are simply free breaks to be had if you're allegedly popular enough to get a presenting job.
Chris Tarrant Goes Fishing is hardly riveting as a title. It sounds like one in a series of children's books. However, this is hardly child's play because Tarrant is in the Maldives. Why the fuck is he given this benefit, or should that be 'work', if we suspend belief for a moment? Meanwhile, Robson Green is attempting the harder version on the east coast of America in his Extreme Fishing Challenge variety, though I notice it's a repeat. I say 'notice' because I see the (R) symbol against the Channel 5 entry, but I'd earlier clocked another new programme, so I know that in more recent times he's been in the north. He's in Northumberland, having a look around.
Portillo is on trains, both in this country (R) and on the continent for a second series of international gallivanting. James Nesbitt's Ireland is on again, with a hint of where the bloke is. I don't mean he's has a second trip, but his first tour is being show again, and the infuriating voice that drones on is enough to put anyone off going to Ireland except for Dublin to drink eight pints of Guinness very quickly. Poor old Ben Fogle has had to settle for Liverpool for the next eight weeks, in an animal clinic. Trevor McDonald is annoying me again, with a second showing of the second part of the Women Behind Bars entertainment that ITV thought appropriate for him to present. 'Sadly it's not Trevor Behind Bars and Staying There', which would of course have been a ratings winner. The ITV trailers were completely misleading: they promised "Women Behind Bars with Trevor McDonald", but he escaped!
ITV commits another faux pas this week, sending Laura Kuenssberg to high streets. That's right, the woman with no right to be seen or heard (due to strange looks, mannerisms, diction and general normality deficiency) has been plonked on a 30-minutes load of bollocks, Christmas Shopping Wars: Tonight. The woman I can't bear to see on the ITV News is fronting (no, not 'cunting' but 'fronting') the usual shit about retailers in the run up to Christmas - obviously a vital piece of reporting on Thu 31st October.
Here's something to avoid on Friday: Off The Beaten Track. My television guide includes a small piece on this new series, starting off with the following: "If you've been wondering what Christine Bleakley's been up to lately" and I had to stop reading because I clearly fucking haven't!
Some twats are watching autumn on BBC2 this week, while there's an excellent opportunity to catch Kirstie's Handmade Treasures if you missed it the first time. Yes, at 5.10am (early hours of Friday morning) there a chance to learn how to make Damson Jam. The programme lasts for five minutes.
Best Daytime TV Programme Description of the Week
This must surely go to the Monday edition of Bargain Hunt, based on the following: "Two teams compete at Wetherby Racecourse in West Yorkshire." Sadly, I fear this will not actually feature two teams competing on the racecourse itself, which would of course have been a fantastic alternative to antique hunting. Say that fast and you'll get anti cunting.
"A flat in Hove" is the description alongside the runner up. No, this is not anything to do with getting a flat tyre but the much less exciting content of a programme called Britain's Empty Homes.
Cookery
To finish with, I'd like to highlight the various offerings related to cooking on the four main channels this week. Having endured the poncy and pouting prock on Nigellissima last week (by accident, I'll have you know - I turned over within a minute) we have just a few programmes in this vein for the current week. Some are one-offs but many are on more than once in the schedules, and some are repeats.
Gordon Ramsay's Home Cooking
Jamie's 15 Minutes Meals
Come Dine With Me
James Martin's Food Map of Britain
The Great British Bake Off - The Final
Floyd On Britain and Ireland
The A-Z of TV Cooking
Saturday Cookbook
Saturday Kitchen Live
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Tom Kerridge's Proper Pub Food
Paul Hollywood's Bread
Hugh's 3 Good Things: Best Bites
The Great British Bake Off Masterclass
River Cottage to the Core
Great British Menu
I think you'll agree that with so fucking little on offer, we need more, more more!
...
No comments:
Post a Comment