I am not referring to adverts on TV for sofas, but to the deplorable shite that's served up daily in the form of weather forecasts, and the appalling use of words and terms that mark out weather forecasters as complete nobs. I have no idea why they are generally on a joint mission to abuse the English language, or adopt pathetic ways of trying to 'spice up' their blurb, but this is truly the case. The latest word forced upon us is "Autumnal", as though we need to be told it's Autumn in some roundabout fucking way! Unsurprisingly, ALL fucking weather in Autumn is 'Autumnal" you donkeys! Does this mean it's going to be colder than Summer? Maybe a bit windy? Will it rain? Will there be sunshine? You're supposed to fucking tell us, you morons. Does the bloke reading out the football results tell us the details or does he simply say "it was exciting, with goal scoring occurring" - of course not, he is specific!
For the very reason that the failures are ubiquitous, there's no real merit in highlighting specific offenders, however tempting in one or two particular cases. Instead, here are just a few of the ludicrous ways in which information has been relayed to us, and the terminology used.
Sunshine
Clearly there is a severe deficiency in the understanding of most presenters, as why else would there be claims of the sunshine actually having a temperature? Sunshine is sunshine, and so is a measure of the brightness - the actual temperature is a rather different matter. So, it makes no sense for us to be told about:
Hot Sunshine, or Pools of Sunshine. Equally annoying is the childlike language that creeps into forecasts, such as: The sunshine should pop back out.
Temperatures
These are numerical values designed to give us all an idea of how hot or cold it feels, using a scale that we all recognise and can relate to. The higher numbers denote more warmth and the lower numbers help us all understand how cold it is. So, temperatures are either high or low. They most definitely are NOT fucking 'hot' or 'cold', as it is the WEATHER that is hot or cold. As an aside, the same is true regarding expensive prices and cheap prices, which of course do not exist - the price is the fucking price, and a number! The goods themselves are either cheap or expensive. Anyway, we are plagued with such shit as:
Warm Temperatures, or Cold Temperatures. Last week I learned that: Temperatures are going to drop off, whatever the fuck that means.
Showers
These are a significant feature of the British weather, and we are told about them is such silly ways:
The odd 'spit or spot'
'Sharp' showers
A whole 'raft' of showers
Showers tending to 'die back'
Showers, some of them quite 'Wintry'
The showers will 'dissipate away'
These all demonstrate the rubbish that's commonly flung at us while hand signals denote where the 'pepperings' and 'bits and pieces of rain' are likely to fall.
Other / General
Here are some more examples of weird phenomena and ways of telling us things:
The weather will be feeling more cheerful
We've got this high pressure building in
Shallow fog
A bit of a bumpy ride into the weekend
East Scotland, you're probably going to see the pick of the bunch
Turning a little Autumnal
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