"Where's my sausage roll, oh Lord?"
After some mild protestation from Spain, I have decided not only to abandon any future 'anagram theme' for my reports, but to offer a belated translation for the contingent that apparently cannot cope with this form of presentation. Thus, here are the details from yesterday's post so that there is no lingering confusion for any viewers (even though I think they are hardly very challenging) ahead of my comments today on the Results Show.
Piss On Normal = Lorna Simpson
Say I'm Able = Sam Bailey
Kids Groan Land = Kingsland Road
Sad Anglo Drink = Kingsland Road
Scold Old Chinaman = Nicholas McDonald
Not Labia = Abi Alton
Smelly Shit, Eh? = Shelly Smith
Say Mix Minds = Miss Dynamix
Am Anal Clash = Sam Callahan
Fearsome Tart = Tamera Foster
Eat More Farts = Tamera Foster
I Feel Drunk - Luke Friend
Gory Pouch = Rough Copy
Ouch Gropy = Rough Copy
The Bath Ran Ran = Hannah Barrett
A One Fill Crack = Caroline Flack
Final Real Cock = Caroline Flack
Lady Or Remote = Dermot O'Leary
Motored Early = Dermot O'Leary
Chlorine Grees Zinc = Nicole Scherzinger
Zero Screeching Nil = Nicole Scherzinger
Blag A Worry = Gary Barlow
Warbly Argo = Gary Barlow
U Is Shallow = Louis Walsh
No Arse Or No Bush = Sharon Osbourne
Burn A Horse Soon = Sharon Osbourne
One Sour Nob Rash = Sharon Osbourne
Sunday's Show
I find that Sharon's contribution and demeanour are alien to me. I wonder if that's in any way linked to my further concerns over her chemical composition. What planet is she on? Is she recyclable, because I now have a blue bin from the council?
Robin Thicke looks like a cross between Simon Cowell and Roy Keene. Wholly weird attire for the women around him considering the target audience for X-Factor is "eleven years old with access to a mobile". So much for the 'setting an example' argument. Basically this tosh was a nursery rhyme, Mr Thicke.
Scores on the doors -
Robin - Thicke, Louis - Away With the Fairies
Katie - Perry, Sharon - Vodka
Nicole - Schit, Barlow - Slow
Nicole should "sch-fuck off" with this pathetic' sch' prefix when she comes out with useless comments. She has become more nauseating than I thought possible. Muller-horrendous.
The Katie song was suspect in terms of sound quality. I'm sure the backing track that got louder for the choruses was carrying her, because at times the vocals were weak and faint (?) No idea what the dozen prancing tossers were doing with her on the stage, though. Katie is good, though.
Hannah (the monk fish) Barrett's reaction to getting through was laughable! So, Shelley is in the sing-off with the Middle of the Road rabble. Bye, Shelley. Oh, hang on, it's the break - better wait till they actually sing before I wave her off. The TV advert for a compilation called 'Twerk It' highlighted just what a shit world I live in.
Kingsland Road
Sorry, but commercial as they may be, they cannot sing properly, only sporadically. Very average.
Shelley Smith
Oh my God - more affected than a swatted fly, or a diplomat with tourette's syndrome.
"You have the most scher-mazing personality. Nicole, you are a tosser with your shit chitchat." Sharon, you disgusting tart; wholly inappropriate conduct and worth 2 pence out of your 2 million quid fee! Sharon, you should be sent home now.
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