So, Piss On Normal went home last week, and promptly set about whinging. Apparently the X-Factor is . . . wait for it . . . "rigged". That's right, Lorna Simpson thinks there's a level of manipulation, staging, favouritism and cuntism [I made that last one up, but I know that's what she meant] in the show. The CIC are of course cunts; that's why they are called the CIC and are in charge! Sadly we won't see her performing any more, which would only be a shame if it denied us the chance to eject her mentor Sharon. Alas the judges cannot be voted off, which is a real pity, especially when one decides NOT to judge. Useless waste of time, you are, Burn A Horse Soon. A £1.8M package for horseshit.
I have no sympathy for Simpson, and anyone who read my last X-Factor post will understand why, I did have some sympathy for the chap who insisted on Yodelling in the earlier stages. Why he thought his 'talent' would be appreciated and appropriate I've no idea. But, for some reason he was egged on - not just by his friends and family, but by the fucking judges! Barclay Beales was put through to Boot Camp by the judges, who then had the cunting nerve to laugh at him and claim it was preposterous to yodel. The worst offender by far was Zero Screeching Nil, who came over all 'hot and bothered' by the singing. The prize idiots in the chairs allowed Barclay to go through and then were horrible. If that isn't a perfect example of manipulation (and cuntism) I don't know what is.
By now you'll have no doubt spotted the anagrams in play (all in orange type) and I hope you're able to identify the culprits. It's not very challenging really, but it amused me while typing, and it's alarming how 'flexible' some names are. I will thus be flexing my brain during this week's comments on the performances - which I will now get to.
Say I'm Able
The one-trick-pony, Sam Bailey, did her usual stuff with a ballad and bored me. Yes, she can sing, but boredom is not really the aim of X-Factor, is it?
Barlow: "Somehow you take the bar up another level. Stripped back." Yawn.
Shitsinger: "It left me luke warm." For once I agree with her.
U Is Shallow - "Blah Blah Blah - ScrewBo" and then he told us: "You made that song your own." Tit.
Sam: "I don't wanna be a one-trick-pony." FAIL !!!
Kids Groan Land
Lightweight shite delivered in a wimpish way by five chaps who are no doubt nice if you know them, but they can't really sing very well - and that's the point - even if they are just about in tune.
Nicole: "Good job, good job, you look super cute and the ladies were lovin' you."
Elf: "Gary and I know more about boy bands than anyone else on this panel." Ha!
One Sour Nob Rash: "Great energy." Shit comment.
Barlow: "Blah, Blah, work ethic." Yawn.
Scold Old Chinaman
Nicholas manages to be genuine and get on with the job in hand. Solid enough performance, although a bit predictable. Better than the others without really trying.
SO: She lost the plot, after the 9th Baccardi.
Warbly Argo: "Your voice is excellent."
Nicole: "Whenever you sing it melts my heart."
Elf: "You're what the show's all about. You're my baby Buble of the show." Thanks, Elf.
Not Labia
The most individual performer must surely be Abi Alton. No one can argue that her voice is good. Sometime she needs to be careful not to waver. The musical arrangements and twists on the records are the best aspects, but sometimes her voice isn't quite there.
Elf: "I don't think you were comfortable."
SO: "They're all nuts. You have got it all going on with those sexy feet." Twat.
Barlow: "A little bit sleepy for me tonight." Pot-kettle-black, Barlow: you're comatose for 90% of the time.
Smelly Shit, Eh?
Shelley: "The flash vote was hideous." Hmmm . . . good word. The VT included SO telling Shelley she ought to show her sassy side. Since when did the British public want or need "sassy". Come on you 'wurzel'. Try to pronounce your words properly, though.
Barlow: "What can I say about that? I'm not sure; it really wasn't for me."
Nicole: "I love your energy. It was a little Sch-weird. It was a Sch-no-no. You gave it your all." Fucking bonkers, Nicole - you are completely 'Mullered'.
Elf: "You deserve to be here." Liar.
No Arse Or No Bush: "You deserve to be here." Liar.
This was the honey monster wriggling horribly while making a noise.
Say Mix Minds
A bye to the next round, after SeSe (the pregnant one) was too ill to perform. Final Real Cock had a quick word with the other two backstage. Seems we will have to miss Miss Dynamix.
Am Anal Clash
What a drippy song, sung in a painful way that was more drab than flock wallpaper in a dimly lit basement. Dodgy vocals early on, before he started shouting instead, and a few prepubescent girls squealed. Jason Mraz he ain't. Still, better than last week.
SO: "Don't look so terrified."
Blag A Worry: "The first minute was too low for you." [Too long for me . . .]
Nicole: "I know hard hard you worked."
Elf: "You're the hardest working contestant. You're a ready made pop start." You twat, Elf.
Fearsome Tart
After her kick-boxing exploits [not in a sports arena of course, but at Gravesend station, with an accomplice, and an unwilling 16-year-old victim] and the various drug-related issues, I wondered what else might come to light. Well, I've not been let down this week, after learning that Tamera managed to lift some items from Boots a few weeks after her first audition for X-Factor. She escaped any prosecution for shoplifting after the manager took a lenient approach. Tamera Foster may well have a good voice, but she is anything BUT a role model and arguably she has got less of the X-Factor and more of the XXXX-Factor. Still, Tweedy's done okay.
Elf: "Keep your fee on the ground and work really hard."
SO: "That song was perfect for you."
Barlow: "Well done."
Chlorine Grees Zinc: "It was so controlled; less was more."
To be fair, it was indeed better than most, and rather more interesting to listen to than the average ones. Eat More Farts is still probably the favourite to win.
Lady Or Remote
Dermot's little bit of input this week involved a pathetic chat with audience members who were in fact relatives or supporters of the acts. It was all completely needless.
I Feel Drunk
His mum apparently phone him every ten minutes and so she is thus a pain, just like her son. Excellent song choice, but sadly this chap's voice just isn't up to scratch. No, it is NOT quirky/good, just forced and slightly off. Have a good cough, Luke Friend.
SO: "I have an awful soft spot for you."
Barlow: "I love the quirkiness you have." No, Thomas-The-Tank.
Nicole: "I felt a little bit of dreadlocks going into the performance. You took it to church." Arsehole, Nicole!
Elf: "You're Cool Hand Luke."
The pathetic competition to find out which judge gave "the best critique" was pathetic, and Dermot should have Motored Early.
Gory Pouch
This was weak at the outset and got no better until it finished. The vocals were off, and it was simply awful.
Nicole: She struggled to read the auto-cue with her pre-prepared comment.
Elf: "You took a pop song you tweaked it and made it your own." Thanks, Lulu.
SO: "Your performances are effortless." Yes, and talentless, luv.
Ropy Cough: "We brought it, you know what I mean."
Backstage, A One Fill Crack interviewed the acts pointlessly. Grabbing a useless couple of words with a useless couple of turds was simply avoidable.
The Bath Ran Ran
After learning she's always been insecure about the way she looks (on top of the other disabilities she carries - working in Greggs, crying a lot, and losing her dad a few years ago) we were treated to her doing some shopping on the VT. Da Doo Ron Ron was not the song choice - it was Beautiful, by Christina Aguilera.
Elf: "Hannah Barrett - I love the makeover. It's so hard to believe you're only 16. Oh, you're 17 are you?"
SO: You are beautiful inside and out.
Barlow: "This is when you're at your best, singing for your life. QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When you bend both knees and go for it, it's sensational."
Nicole: "This week has been quite a journey for you." [This is the gospel according to Shitsinger.]
Is Hannah on some sort of mission to sing for the world's disadvantaged? She apparently sang for all the people who feel they are not beautiful. Yawn. Next week she'll be campaigning for those with a sore verruca.
Flash Vote
Sad Anglo Drink
Kingsland (Middle Of The) Road were actually much better than Ouch Gropy but when has this contest ever been about the best and worst singers? Gary reminded us that James Arthur was once in the bottom two and came back to win. That's right, Gary, another travesty, that!
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