29.10.13 Aghast At Gaga

I am struggling to understand the argument following the complaints about Lady Gaga on Sunday's X-Factor show.  The level of 'outrage' has been logged, apparently, at around 200.  This is the number of complaints made to the combined forces of ITV and Ofcom, on approximately a one-third / two-thirds split. Ofcom is said to being considering whether to launch a full scale investigation. Obviously thus far its efforts have been little more than the provision of a logging facility for people who love to complain.

The real issues here are not just about the style of the performance before the 9.00pm watershed, and the consequent moral corruption of children.  We all know that the little blighters are all sweetness and light, sugar and spice, and so sheltered that a writhing cunt will decimate them and fuck them up for life.  I am of course being sarcastic, and most youngsters watching the 'performance' will have seen far worse in just about every walk of life.  If they are in fact so young that they've not been exposed to worse, then they are of an age where the parents shouldn't be either surprised, or letting their offspring watch in the first place.

Let's be clear here; Lady Gaga is a fruitcake who craves attention, acts strangely and purposefully controversially, and loves nudity.  As a parent of a youngster likely to be corrupted and sent gaga by Gaga, what the fuck led you to allow any viewing of the five-minute section?

The stats suggest that 200 or so people have registered their annoyance, from a viewing pool of around 10.3 million.  Hmmm . . . "democracy rules" is a slogan that no longer applies, I fear.  So, 0.002% of the viewers have complained.  Should we give a fuck?  No.  The near-nudity, the song lyrics and the airing of it before the watershed were all possible reasons for a certain element within the UK population to grab phones and complain rather than vote - that's right, I suspect none of the complainers are voters.  It is of course true that Gaga is hardly the ideal person to entertain youngsters.  HOWEVER, the most appalling part of the whole shebang is the misguided line of attack, and the weakened reasoning behind complaints.  Let's be clear on this.

The main reason that the complaints should have been made, and the one reason that would lead to the complaints being upheld, is that Lady Gaga was quite simply fucking shit!  Fuck the watershed moaning, fuck to near nudity, and fuck the shit and demeaning lyrical content.  Instead, let's just agree to take a broad view and evaluate the whole performance.  It was simply diabolical.  The wailing that got the mess started was followed by some tired pop and some wriggling in time to a regurgitated beat.  Pretentious?  Too Cuntin Right!

[PS: There is just one thing slightly in her favour - the Archbishop of Canterbury does somehow manage to make her look almost sane.]

...

28.10.13 Joe Hart - Losing His Head & Shoulders

Is this Joe's best position?

I said a while back that Joe Hart was well short of being a great goalkeeper. Along with many keepers, he managers to fail in making judgements, and is woefully short of the ability to actually catch a ball!  For far too long, all keepers have been allowed to adopt the "pat it away" approach rather than the "catch the fucking ball" approach that was the mainstay of a keeper's armoury in decades gone by.  Being able to catch and hold the ball is a rather useful ability in a game where outfield players cannot do that.  The distinctiveness of the role would suggest someone in that role might seek to use all facilities open to them in stopping the opposition from scoring.  Alas, many keepers punch, pat, palm and piss about in preference to catching the ball.  To continue the 'p' alliteration, "positioning" is a vital element of goalkeeping, and this is one of the areas of concern for Joe Hart, as demonstrated so perfectly yesterday, when he decided to do everything in his power to fuck up (again) and he was successful.

I wonder if Procter & Gamble realised the gamble it was taking when it chose Joe to endorse Head & Shoulders in the UK.  I suspect that in believing Joe was 'head and shoulders' above the rest (in a metaphorical sense) the marketing people might have hoped he'd be that high when trying to clear a ball from a corner, in the goal mouth, though not that high when fucking up on the edge of his box.

Yet again there was a mix-up that was clearly Hart's fault, after he came out from the 6-yard box unnecessarily.  Worse, after allowing Torres to nip in and score, he seemed intent on swearing and not accepting the blame.  I am sure he's a nice guy if you know him, but based on the TV commercial, his general level of play in 2013, and the attitude he seems to display, I'd say that he's lucky to have his place in the Manchester City squad, let alone the England team.  I suggest that Roy Hodgson tries out some other keepers rather quickly, or the Brazil trip will be a short one.  Meanwhile, I suggest Joe considers a rather different strategy in the advertising world, perhaps with a move away from Head & Shoulders.  Perhaps he could help with an advert for Lemsip, as I'm sure he'd at least be able to catch a cold.

If he doesn't get better, he could become a model; he's had plenty of practice in showing off what could be his next goalkeeping strip, to confirm he's getting a reputation as a bit of a clown.

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26.10.13 X-Factor Wk3 - The Result

• I think the 'Flash Vote' should include some flashing - it might make it more entertaining.
• I think Sharon should get a Saturday job in a shoe shop for minimum wage, not £1.8M cuntin quid for fuck all.
• Dermot should be less predictable and a lot less Dreary.
• James Arthur should stay off the radio - I heard him wailing on Dermot's Saturday Radio 2 show and it was painful.
• Sharon should be put in front of an electric fire, two bars should be turned on, and Bet365.com should offer live odds on how quickly she will melt.
• Nicole Sch-Schite sch-ould stop being a pain in the arse.
• Skyfall should be banned from being sung by anyone on Earth.
• The age of any contestant should be irrelevant and never mentioned at all, not least because it is used either as an excuse for something shite or a reason to be amazed at someone.  Fuck off.
• The Wanted [aka The Unnecessary] managed to make twats of themselves via their spokesperson, who answered O'Dreary's questions.  "We couldn't resist not being here."  An absolutely classic linguistic fuck up.  "We are leaving tonight and going to Mexico."  Should have taken a direct flight, chaps!
• Lady Gaga was utter shit - she really is 'gaga', I reckon.  As Mrs MWSC said, "This is like musical movement at school" and she was right, other than there was no "singing" at school, just background music.  "Do what you want with my body" (as an alternative to the mind and heart that are not available) is not the best basis for a song.  Actually, luv, I wouldn't want it - you're all right.
• The four chipmunks (the judges) stood and gave a standing ovation ???  See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and think no evil. Nobs. As for 'Loopy' (sorry, 'Gaga') she spilled out some nonsense about being an artist and her songwriting abilities - oxymoron for you there.

Hannah Barrett v Miss Dynamix 

"Dermot, this is extremely beyond shocking to me."  No, Nicole, that's not introducing your act.  As for Hannah, "High wanna sing" is not the same as "I wanna sing".  Will people stop pandering to this drab shite.

Miss Dynamix managed rather better than Hannah, surprisingly.  They also looked 99% less glum than Hannah.  I will never be buying an album from either, so it's all irrelevant.

Gary managed to tell Hannah that she was brilliant, yet said fuck all about his own act.  He then saved his own act.  So, no objective voting on this show - nothing new.

They were gracious in defeat with no tears.  Nice change, and I don't think Hannah would have managed that.

... 

27.10.13 This Week's TV Guide

What a shitty week for television.  I have picked out some of the 'low lights' for you, in case you're in need of warnings to keep away from the worst offerings. What's most notable about the week is the places that supposed celebrities get to in the name of entertainment.  These are simply free breaks to be had if you're allegedly popular enough to get a presenting job.

Chris Tarrant Goes Fishing is hardly riveting as a title.  It sounds like one in a series of children's books. However, this is hardly child's play because Tarrant is in the Maldives.  Why the fuck is he given this benefit, or should that be 'work', if we suspend belief for a moment?  Meanwhile, Robson Green is attempting the harder version on the east coast of America in his Extreme Fishing Challenge variety, though I notice it's a repeat.  I say 'notice' because I see the (R) symbol against the Channel 5 entry, but I'd earlier clocked another new programme, so I know that in more recent times he's been in the north. He's in Northumberland, having a look around.

Portillo is on trains, both in this country (R) and on the continent for a second series of international gallivanting.  James Nesbitt's Ireland is on again, with a hint of where the bloke is.  I don't mean he's has a second trip, but his first tour is being show again, and the infuriating voice that drones on is enough to put anyone off going to Ireland except for Dublin to drink eight pints of Guinness very quickly.  Poor old Ben Fogle has had to settle for Liverpool for the next eight weeks, in an animal clinic.  Trevor McDonald is annoying me again, with a second showing of the second part of the Women Behind Bars entertainment that ITV thought appropriate for him to present. 'Sadly it's not Trevor Behind Bars and Staying There', which would of course have been a ratings winner. The ITV trailers were completely misleading: they promised "Women Behind Bars with Trevor McDonald", but he escaped!

ITV commits another faux pas this week, sending Laura Kuenssberg to high streets.  That's right, the woman with no right to be seen or heard (due to strange looks, mannerisms, diction and general normality deficiency) has been plonked on a 30-minutes load of bollocks, Christmas Shopping Wars: Tonight. The woman I can't bear to see on the ITV News is fronting (no, not 'cunting' but 'fronting') the usual shit about retailers in the run up to Christmas - obviously a vital piece of reporting on Thu 31st October.

Here's something to avoid on Friday: Off The Beaten Track.  My television guide includes a small piece on this new series, starting off with the following: "If you've been wondering what Christine Bleakley's been up to lately" and I had to stop reading because I clearly fucking haven't!

Some twats are watching autumn on BBC2 this week, while there's an excellent opportunity to catch Kirstie's Handmade Treasures if you missed it the first time.  Yes, at 5.10am (early hours of Friday morning) there a chance to learn how to make Damson Jam.  The programme lasts for five minutes.

Best Daytime TV Programme Description of the Week

This must surely go to the Monday edition of Bargain Hunt, based on the following: "Two teams compete at Wetherby Racecourse in West Yorkshire." Sadly, I fear this will not actually feature two teams competing on the racecourse itself, which would of course have been a fantastic alternative to antique hunting.  Say that fast and you'll get anti cunting.

"A flat in Hove" is the description alongside the runner up.  No, this is not anything to do with getting a flat tyre but the much less exciting content of a programme called Britain's Empty Homes.


Cookery

To finish with, I'd like to highlight the various offerings related to cooking on the four main channels this week.  Having endured the poncy and pouting prock on Nigellissima last week (by accident, I'll have you know - I turned over within a minute) we have just a few programmes in this vein for the current week. Some are one-offs but many are on more than once in the schedules, and some are repeats.

Gordon Ramsay's Home Cooking
Jamie's 15 Minutes Meals
Come Dine With Me
James Martin's Food Map of Britain
The Great British Bake Off - The Final
Floyd On Britain and Ireland
The A-Z of TV Cooking
Saturday Cookbook
Saturday Kitchen Live
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Tom Kerridge's Proper Pub Food
Paul Hollywood's Bread
Hugh's 3 Good Things: Best Bites
The Great British Bake Off Masterclass
River Cottage to the Core
Great British Menu

I think you'll agree that with so fucking little on offer, we need more, more more!

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26.10.13 X-Factor Live Finals - Wk3

Sharon Osbourne

It is quite simple this week, red for fail and green for pass.  Scores are 1-5 points.

Rough Copy     2     

I missed the performance, bar a few seconds, while channel hopping, as I was catching the last dance on Strictly Come Dancing which was massively more important and more entertaining by a mile.  The drippy threesome seems to get more accolades than are deserved for some strange reason.  I believe I missed nothing at all.

Osbourne - She made some pointless comments including reference to the wonderful outfits for some pathetic reason.


Sam Callahan     2  

The into VT was hilarious, and we heard Louis Walsh telling Sam: "You're going to the world premier of "Tor Too".  He of course meant "Thor Two".  The performance from Sam was completely and utterly average, at very best, with wobbly vocals.

Osbourne - "I'd like to see more edge to you next week".  I'd like to see you go over the edge, Sharon!
Walsh - "I've never had a more hard working contestant than Sam."  Irrelevant, Elf!
Gary - "Weak vocal performance."  Correct
Nicole - "I agree with Gary."  Not worth paying you for that, luv.


Hannah Barrett      4  

The intro VT was hilarious when Nicole and Hannah were in Greggs:
Nicole - "What's in the chicken bake?"
Hannah - "Chicken."
Unfortunately for Hannah she is totally unlikeable, with a sour face that needs invigorating with a slap from a cold haddock.
Elf - "You were born to sing; 10 out of 10."
Osbourne - "Magnificent; out of 10 it was 30."  Arsehole.
Gary - "Sensational."
Nicole - "I need to shut up right now.  Even though you're 17, you're a queen, a vision."  No, Schitsinger, she's a glum sourpuss.


Nicholas McDonald     5   

Osbourne - "Remind me one more time; how old are you?" You TWAT, Sharon!  "Your emotion was spectacular; you look like a big boy tonight." Patronising cunt!
Gary - "Brilliant vocal performance.  Remember you're sixteen years old; celebrate being sixteen years old."
Nicole - Some general and pointless shite delivered in a drawl that was nauseating, followed by: "I just wanna lay with you."  Fucking madness, considering the monotonous references to his age, woman!
Dermot - "Can we all get over the fact that he's sixteen?"  Well said, O'Dreary!


Abi Alton     2  

Rather wobbly and a bit weak, luv.  You are better than this and somehow Nicole has allowed you to fuck up.

Elf - "That was fantastic; you've put yourself back in da race."
Osbourne - "People are going to put on the kettle when you start singing. You've got the voice, we just need to not put the kettle on."
Gary - "Somewhere we've lost this girl."
Nicole - "We will come out daisies and daffodils."  WTF you stupid drawling nob!


Caroline Flack     1  

A completely pointless and utterly NOT entertaining 45 seconds of Flack talking shit with Sam Callahan.


Miss Dynamix     2  

More nasal by SeSe than Ronan Keating, and I didn't think that was possible!

Nicole - "I know y'all been through a lot this week."  This was followed by drawling shite and patronising bollocks.
Elf - "I expect more."
Sharon - "When you started off, SeSe, you were singing through your nose. That's what we need, more clicking."  Twat.
SeSe - "The public do not understand how much we want this."  Fuck off, luv.


Sam Bailey     5  

Gary - "You sang that song better than
Nicole - "One word, honey: Machestical."  Fucking arse.


Kingsland Road      3  

Fucking Beatles shite.  Will someone tell them to do something that is better than 'average at best'.

Nicole - "Finally this week we have lead vocals.  At times it's raining a little bit of cheese."  WTF?  Stick to Muller-fucking-licious, you twat!
Elf - "A little bit lazy."
Osbourne - "You tick all the right boxes."  You should be in one, Sharon.
Gary - "We needed you on this show tonight."  Hmmm . . . doubt that, Gary.
KR - "We come back fighting."  No, attempting to sing, and failing at a level equivalent to The Beatles on the original version.


Luke Friend     4  

Brave and very good choice of song, with a few wobbly vocals in the mix, just so we couldn't really get comfortable.

Osbourne - "You definitely have an edge; you're definitely dirty and I like that about you."
Gary - "That was the surprise of the night for me."
Nicole - "Next time I give you a hug I'm gonna bury my face in your hair.  Good job, Luke."


Caroline Flack     1  

Twenty seconds with Tamera before there was no time for the answer! Switch to Abi for ten seconds before she asked her parents whether they were proud of their daughter.  What a searching question, worthy of Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, eh?  Pointless, Flack.


Tamera Foster    3   

It was good but actually too much wailing without any real emotion/feeling. Bound to get good comments.

Elf - "Tamera Tamera Tamera.  You stole the show."  I suppose he could have said '
Sharon - "Tamara: little young gorgeous pop star.  You've got it all going on, Tamara."  Sharon, you waste of space, you can't even get her name right. Too many vodkas, I reckon.
Gary - "There were elements of Stars In Their Eyes."  Well said, Gary.
Nicole - "She's sixteen."  Fuck off you arse.


FLASH VOTE

Sharon's input at one day per week can be maintained with her one remaining act.  The ones in the firing line are \Miss Dynamix (one week behind schedule). I like the one who clicks - seems lovely, and she confirmed they are going to rehearse for 24 hours.  Not sure that will be enough, though.

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26.10.13 Lotto Winners & Other News

Does the above photo in any way capture the excitement one might expect at having each won £125,000? 'Not quite' would be an understatement.  This group of glum-looking individuals consists of 5 of the 12 in a syndicate which won on the National Lottery, and I cannot think of a more pointless and drab photo.  If the five are 'posing' at the request of the photographer, to look glum on purpose, then they are surely idiots.  If they are looking this way through choice, then that's even worse.  The 'problem' is that a mistake by Camelot meant they had initially thought the prize they would each win was £160,000, and so rather than winning £125k, they are miffed at having 'lost' £35k.  All about perspective, eh?


In the Kitchen

At last it's finished.  However, as soon as one cookery programme finishes, another starts.  Some contestants are such 'hard work' to put up with, it's a turn off.  The OTT approach to 'feeding' us with lame television is now out of all control, and disproportionate in the TV schedules.  I vote for a final series in which cunts are locked in a kitchen and then left to their own devices, with no review of the results.  It will be called Cook Off, Bake Off, Fuck Off !


Alex Ferguson

Will you please shut up and fuck off.  Your views and pathetic attempts to whip up a storm while selling more books are not wanted; it's not all about you. Hearing what you've got to say on anything is only one tiny notch above hearing what the ghastly Cherie Blair has to say on any subject.


Collective Nouns

Yet more developments in the investigations of underhandedness by certain male celebrities, as Stuart Hall is under the spotlight again.  We've all heard of a 'Murder of Crows' and a 'Pride of Lions'. I wonder will police establish while interviewing Stuart Hall that his own contribution to the language has been a "Touch of Indecent Assault".


No Holding Back

Meanwhile, Amanda Holden gets in on the act while publicising her latest book.  It seems that Jimmy Savile asked her (while she was in Leeds General Infirmary) if she had a gynaecological problem before offering to "give her one". To suggest that this was JS trying to "seduce her" is rather pathetic.  Shut up Amanda; you do very little for a lot of money and surely don't need to try and find a lower level on which to operate?

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26.10.13 Small, Medium or XXXXing Large

Everyone knows that when going to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, there will be people of all sizes and all appetites gorging and picking at food.  The whole concept is for there to be an evenness in pricing, and that going with anything other than an empty stomach is perhaps rather silly.  Clearly there are those whose stomachs have a greater capacity than others, so to a degree, there is unfairness in the whole set-up.  Still, there is at the same time a fairness because the details are known beforehand, and the up-front information allows people to opt for such an establishment is they want.  The only real unfairness in everything is the ludicrous price of drinks, and so in a way, the 'subsidy' (if there is one) to those who push up the average consumption of food comes from the general consumption of drinks to wash down the good value food.

Having explained in general terms the above, I feel entitled now to move on a tangent to the approach adopted in the retail world, and more particularly in 'fashion', where there is no such logic employed in the pricing of things.  Take the case of a company called Bonprix, which has recently been advertising that its prices are excellent and that sizes range from 6 to 32.  The concept of charging a flat price for all sizes is wholly unfair. Yes, I know there are many factors that determine the sale price of an item, and that the ancillary costs are possibly no greater in some cases for a larger rather than a smaller item. Nevertheless, my contention is that there's no way on this earth that a small pair of women's shorts in a size 6 should cost the same as a similar (in the loosest sense of the word) pair in a size 32.  To have fourteen different sizes from tiny to fucking large is noble in catering for the general public, but a complete and utter tax on small people because they are subsidising the fat fuckers.

In the restaurant analogy, it is the case that to a small degree there is some flexibility because a thin/small person could make sure of a completely empty stomach and then eat a lot, while a fat fucker could decide on an amount of food smaller than normal.  This introduces a sense of tailoring (forgive the pun) that sees some minor balance to the 'one price feeds all' approach.  The tailoring in the fashion world is rather less fair because you are the size you are at the point of sale - you cannot just 'get a bit more' for a change.  The woman who picks up a size 6 pair of shorts could most probably get three pairs out of the size 32 variant. But in the fashion world, fat fuckers are subsidised.  Until there is a proper and fair deterrent then fat people will continue to dress at the expense of others, and the 'others' who are most unfairly affected are the smallest and skinniest in society.  It's no wonder that average weights are growing as they are.

Moving sideways within the retail world, I notice that it is only clothing where retailers rarely feel they need to charge by the size of clothes or the amount of material or work that went into making the product.  In almost every other department, 'big' costs more.  In a range of suitcases, you will always find that the larger the case, the higher the price - logical of course, but not a principle that transfers to fashion.  Take a better example, something material and closer to people - bed sheets.  If anything, the work involved in creating bed sheets of different sizes varies hardly at all, and so the only real difference is the amount of material needed to cover the different sizes of mattress.  But the 'king size' sheet will cost a lot more than the 'double' and more still than the 'single'.  Why?  Cotton sheets are sold in a fair way, with a correct pricing model, while cotton shirts are not.  How silly.

QED

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23.10.13 Parking and The School Run

The story this week about an inconsiderate mother who caused an obstruction with her car at the school gates was hardly something that shocked.  What I struggled with, though, was the pontificating and sanctimony that accompanied the criticism of the mother.  By all accounts she was an odious twat, but having said that, I have some sympathy because there are far too many obstacles to children being able to get to school - unless they go on a school bus.

If there is the option of a school bus for a child, and it is affordable, then I dare say that offspring will make it to the classroom without undue difficulty.  If, however, there's no such option, or it is so expensive it's a joke, or public transport is inappropriate (almost always the case) or if the parent passes the school on the way to work, then it is quite likely that offspring will be given a lift.  This is where it gets silly, because many schools have no way of receiving kids who arrive by any other means than on foot on on a school bus.

Schools typically have no proper access, turning area, drop off zone or space to accommodate vehicles.  In collusion with the council and local residents, they add to this deficiency by participating in a system that sees local roads smeared with double yellow lines.  Then, the local council and the school collude further to patrol the fucking vicinity at the start and end of the school day, trying to catch parents whose vehicles are necessarily stationary for a minute while kids are dropped off or collected.  Fines are dished out, and pathetic excuses are given as 'reasons' for this action - rather than the money making bollocks, it's about the safety of children.  There are schools in this country where is is nigh on impossible to deliver a kid to or collect a kid from.

Residents are always moaning, but why did they fucking move next to a school?  Probably (initially) for the proximity to the cunt, and the ease with which 'little johnny' could limp to class after getting up ten minutes before the bell.  To moan about cars stopping outside or near their homes is something I suggest they might have envisaged, unless of course they never went to school themselves, and are as thick as the kerbs that cars bump up to let out kids.

Schools have a duty to consider properly and adequately how parents are expected to function and bring children or collect them.  It is no use at all denying any responsibility; obfuscation of the issue is simply not sensible or acceptable.

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23.10.13 Sinking To A New Low

It is hard to see a day go by (let alone a week) without there being a new 'low' to be dismayed at.  The newspapers are full of stories that prove beyond doubt how fucked up society is.  Today's example is a sad one, involving an old chap who has done nothing wrong, but has fallen foul of pathetic bureaucracy and cuntism of the highest order.

Mr George Lomas is 77 years old, and this year he lost his wife.  East Cheshire Council had for five years been paying for a carer until Rose, who had Parkinson's Disease, died.  Jayne Wakefield was working for 30 hours per week as a carer, employed by the council, and was - according to Mr Lomas - treated like a daughter.  When Rose died on 4th March, George was hardly in a great state.  Wakefield's hours were cut to 16 per week, and she demanded redundancy money from George Lomas on 14th March, the day after the funeral.  George offered to pay for the reduced hours.  On 20th March, Wakefield resigned.

Jayne Wakefield has won £3569 after pursuing a claim for constructive dismissal!  Yes, you read this correctly; she was constructively dismissed.

The council denies it has anything to do with the matter.  As Mr Lomas paid the carer from 4th March to 20th March [for 16 days from the day his wife died] then he apparently became Jayne Wakefield's employer.  Without anything being put in writing, the claimant decided she had to resign, and act in what most decent people will consider to be a disgusting manner.  The council simply stopped paying on 4th March because it could.  Jayne Wakefield is arguably not the best 'carer' in the world, considering she told people at the funeral she would help George, before telling him she was suing him the next day.

The law is an ass/arse/cunt when is aids and abets people with no sense of morality or decency.  The council is of course useless and equally despicable, but will argue that it has rules in place to safeguard taxpayers' money - while giving 1 in 10 houses to migrants [based on national average stats].  Has Jayne Wakefield taken advantage of a grieving man within days of his 76-year-old wife dying?  Has she played the system in a callous manner without any conscience?  Has the tribunal fucked up?  Do you think it is outrageous that this woman has won her claim and that Mr Lomas has to find the money?  Is the world now far too full of greed and disgusting behaviour?  Is cuntism prevalent?  Are you outraged?  Is it asking too much for a 77-year-old to give proper written notice to a supposed carer (who'd been 'caring' for 5 years) in advance of his wife dying so that he did not fall foul of shitty fucking rules?  If your answers to these questions are: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, then you are normal and human.

If George had told MsWakefield to 'fuck off' on the day his wife died, then she would never have been classed as her employer.  However, aside from his grief and other priorities, he is clearly a man with a good heart who offered to pay her; he was being nice and doing what he thought was the right thing.  Some might say that Ms Wakefield was being a cunt.

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23.10.13 Bad News & Other Comments

Bad News

• Cilla Black has resurfaced
• Paul McCartney is still singing
• Jonathan Ross has a news series on ITV
• Naomi Campbell
• Wonga is doing well and expanding

Other Comments

• There is generally a severe overuse and/or inappropriate use of  the word 'iconic'
• The word 'auction' is NOT pronounced as if it were spelled with an 'o' [only pretentious people create the word 'oction']
• Rita Ora is getting more unwarranted and annoying exposure in papers than fucking Rihanna!
• There is NO 'joy' in hearing about Jackpot Joy from Barbara Bloody Windsor and as for seeing her, well that's just grief
• Sally Bercow is simply a breathing disaster
• Bruce Forsythe is not liked or admired to anywhere near the level the BBC insists is the case
• Baby On Board signs (and similarly offensive ones) should be illegal
• When will the world wake up to the fact that Tony Blair is vile, inhuman and immoral?
• Why is the own-brand version of a Deep Pan pizza £2 and the Thin Crust £3 in the Co-op?
• When will Cherie Blair get the message that we don't give a fuck what she thinks?

...

22.10.13 Disgraceful Policing in Lincolnshire

Another post in the "This Country Is Fucked" series

If you are going to be the victim of crime, then you'd better hope that the perpetrator is not someone committing a first offence, or you will no get justice. In fact, you will most likely feel fucked off as well as fucked over - and I mean by the police and 'the system' more than any result of anything your assailant did.

Take the case of Hayley Clayton, who was assaulted by a Lithuanian woman (not that nationality is relevant at all) and received the injury shown in this photo.  Being battered unconscious is hardly something that can or should be shrugged off.  If some cunt did this to me, then I would expect the cunting police to want to find the culprit.  The initial police input was okay, and after three weeks, they'd found the person responsible.  It was at this point that Lincolnshire Police became useless fuckers.

The force has adopted (as all forces now seem compelled to do) a slogan, and if you Google the force you'll find that "Serving With Pride" and "Policing With Pride" are the strap lines.  I wonder how proud the Chief Constable is now, after mulling over the injury and the action taken.  It would of course be rather more difficult for him if the slogan of Cleveland Police was in play here - "Putting People First" - but this is the danger for all police forces using pathetic little explanations of what they are trying to do.  Catch Cunting Criminals is the rather simple directive that I'd advocate for all of them!

So, Lincolnshire Police has (proudly?) decided not to do a lot, having found the assailant of Hayley Clayton, who turned out to be a first offender.  The approach was therefore to offer Hayley a choice; the thug could receive a caution, or Hayley could get £100, later upped to £150.  This was all in a bid to reduce the workload for the police, and has subsequently defended by an Inspector, who said: "The aim of the adult caution scheme is to offer a proportionate response where the offender has admitted the offence." Sorry, but WTF?  The idea of justice is that if you break the law you are dealt with.  In what way does the system arrive at the conclusion of what is proportionate?  As far as I am concerned, I'd have no issue with the offender being given the same treatment as she dished out to Hayley Clayton.  I think that would be wonderfully proportionate.  I think someone has beaten me to it as for as this being a solution goes - something about an eye for an eye, if I'm not mistaken.

So, as per my opening comment, don't expect justice in the UK.  The system is fucked, and there is great bitterness growing daily from so many quarters that it is no wonder the police get no support in many instances.  I am amazed how so many people do still come forward to testify (when the police and the CPS do bother to prosecute) and then see offenders get off.  The pointlessness is simply awful.

British justice does not really exist any more, there is just a system in place that lacks morality, is inefficient and costly, and leaves everyone bar those who commit crime with a feeling of disappointment.  However, travel at 50mph on a dual carriageway that has a 40mph limit and you'll find that there are police enough and resources enough to fine you and add some points to your licence. Priorities are piss poor now.

Where is The Equalizer when you need him, eh?

...

21.10.13 The UK is Fucked - Here's the Proof

I was looking at the news and was astounded to see a photograph of a site in Marseille that has just been vacated by 90 Roma families (just before the police were set to move in).  During the night, the hoards of travellers apparently disappeared into thin air, leaving behind them a mess.

This rather proves that there is/was an equivalent in France of the 'Dale Farm' site in the United Kingdom. What a complete fucking mess, and an insult to everyone who pays taxes and lives according to the laws of the land - and the laws of decency.

Then I read a story that highlights how a load of travellers from France have camped out in the car park of a Welsh hospital, meaning that staff are unable to function.  Perhaps the travellers have left Marseille are arrived in Cardiff. Allegedly there's been some sort of comment that means an expectation they'll move on in a few days.  But move on to where?  This country is the target for thousands upon thousands of illegal immigrants, as is the target of thousands upon thousands of EU citizens who will shortly (if they haven't already) be legally bombarding this country.  With the travellers for Europe adding to the complete mess, and the travellers already here, is there any possible way maters could get worse?

'Yes' is the answer to that question.  On top of all the various factions that would sink the UK completely if left unchecked [and will certainly do so seeing as we check fuck all, do fuck all to protect the country, and do fuck all once we've been fucked] there are the useless cunts that already inhabit the UK, and have the cunting nerve to believe they are 'entitled'.  Cunting disgrace! There are literally thousands upon thousands of lazy cunts who seem to think that they are entitled to do fuck all with no comeback while receiving money for their trouble in breathing.

One example has coincidentally landed today, in news items alongside the stories about travellers, here and in France.  I refer to the horrendous example of humanity displayed by Heather Frost.

This is the family that was expecting a £500,000 house, but has been denied such after the story leaked and the furore led to the council rethinking its policy. Nevertheless, the housing provision already in place is nothing short of ludicrous.  But the worse aspect of today's story is not the regurgitated and appalling details of how this sponging waste-of-space clan milks the system and revels in the absurdity of the UK's tax and benefits arrangements, but the utter cuntism displayed in a recent airing on Channel 5 of a programme called: "On Benefits and Proud".  This has shown just how deplorable things can be.

In the programme the twat boasts how she enlists the help of local shoplifters. Her grounds for being a cunt seem to revolve around an apparent right to expect cheap goods. "Everybody has to get stuff off shoplifters, don't they; wouldn't have enough to live on otherwise."  The Aladdin's Cave of knocked-ff goods was on view, and the survival of her and eleven fucking kids obviously depend on, amongst other things, air fresheners!

Here's another choice quote: "I'd be lost without my shoplifters because they bring all my washing powder. They do it for half the price of what the shop does."  What a disillusioned cunt.  If you are reading this and not getting annoyed, you are not human.  The eleven kids will grow up with no morals, and will (apart from fueling crime) ensure they are a drain on the state, and that the virus spreads.  The eldest two (19 and 21) are of course on benefits, leading the way by example.

What will happen next?  Well, fuck all of any significance or relevance.  The police have issued a (pointless) caution and investigations are apparently being undertaken.  BUT, we all know that there will be no jail sentence for receiving stolen goods, despite the 100% proof of this.  There 'mother' will escape confinement to 'care for' her rats.  There will be a paltry fine that will be paid at 20p per week out of the taxpayers' money.  As I have said many times before, no one on benefits should be fined, as it's the states money coming back to the state at the lowest and slowest level possible (assuming no default, and that's a mad assumption.)  Community service will be an impossibility, as the 'mother' has responsibilities that deny her time to do anything useful.  What's the result?  Fuck all.  The UK is completely fucking fucked.

Meanwhile, in Lancashire, villagers have clubbed together to pay the £100,000 costs to evict travellers who are blighting the picturesque village.  The European Courts have endorsed a decision to evict the travellers, who have until 3rd January (why so fucking long?) to piss off.  I rather suspect that the pointless escalation of legal action brought about by the travellers was at the taxpayers' expense and certainly not from the profits of living a tax-free and sponging life!

So, it's not just the immigrants, legal or illegal, who threaten society, finances, resources and space, but the useless home-grown shits who breathe and waste oxygen.  Until such time as there is any leadership, or a government with ball, then we are all doomed.  It's a shame that the worse elements in society are the ones that breed the quickest and most vehemently.

...

20.10.13 X-Factor Results (Wk2)

"Where's my sausage roll, oh Lord?"

After some mild protestation from Spain, I have decided not only to abandon any future 'anagram theme' for my reports, but to offer a belated translation for the contingent that apparently cannot cope with this form of presentation. Thus, here are the details from yesterday's post so that there is no lingering confusion for any viewers (even though I think they are hardly very challenging) ahead of my comments today on the Results Show.

Piss On Normal = Lorna Simpson
Say I'm Able = Sam Bailey
Kids Groan Land = Kingsland Road
Sad Anglo Drink = Kingsland Road
Scold Old Chinaman = Nicholas McDonald
Not Labia = Abi Alton
Smelly Shit, Eh? = Shelly Smith
Say Mix Minds = Miss Dynamix
Am Anal Clash = Sam Callahan
Fearsome Tart = Tamera Foster
Eat More Farts = Tamera Foster
I Feel Drunk - Luke Friend
Gory Pouch = Rough Copy
Ouch Gropy = Rough Copy
The Bath Ran Ran = Hannah Barrett
A One Fill Crack = Caroline Flack
Final Real Cock = Caroline Flack
Lady Or Remote = Dermot O'Leary
Motored Early = Dermot O'Leary
Chlorine Grees Zinc = Nicole Scherzinger
Zero Screeching Nil = Nicole Scherzinger
Blag A Worry = Gary Barlow
Warbly Argo = Gary Barlow
U Is Shallow = Louis Walsh
No Arse Or No Bush = Sharon Osbourne
Burn A Horse Soon = Sharon Osbourne
One Sour Nob Rash = Sharon Osbourne


Sunday's Show


I find that Sharon's contribution and demeanour are alien to me.  I wonder if that's in any way linked to my further concerns over her chemical composition. What planet is she on?  Is she recyclable, because I now have a blue bin from the council?

Robin Thicke looks like a cross between Simon Cowell and Roy Keene. Wholly weird attire for the women around him considering the target audience for X-Factor is "eleven years old with access to a mobile".  So much for the 'setting an example' argument.  Basically this tosh was a nursery rhyme, Mr Thicke.

Scores on the doors -
Robin - Thicke, Louis - Away With the Fairies
Katie - Perry, Sharon - Vodka
Nicole - Schit, Barlow - Slow

Nicole should "sch-fuck off" with this pathetic' sch' prefix when she comes out with useless comments.  She has become more nauseating than I thought possible.  Muller-horrendous.

The Katie song was suspect in terms of sound quality.  I'm sure the backing track that got louder for the choruses was carrying her, because at times the vocals were weak and faint (?)  No idea what the dozen prancing tossers were doing with her on the stage, though.  Katie is good, though.

Hannah (the monk fish) Barrett's reaction to getting through was laughable! So, Shelley is in the sing-off with the Middle of the Road rabble.  Bye, Shelley. Oh, hang on, it's the break - better wait till they actually sing before I wave her off. The TV advert for a compilation called 'Twerk It' highlighted just what a shit world I live in.

Kingsland Road

Sorry, but commercial as they may be, they cannot sing properly, only sporadically.  Very average.

Shelley Smith

Oh my God - more affected than a swatted fly, or a diplomat with tourette's syndrome.

"You have the most scher-mazing personality.  Nicole, you are a tosser with your shit chitchat."  Sharon, you disgusting tart; wholly inappropriate conduct and worth 2 pence out of your 2 million quid fee!  Sharon, you should be sent home now.

...

20.10.13 Asda World - Total Wipeout

There have been more developments in AsdaWorld in the last week.  After the global rise in yoghurt prices (obviously brought about through the supplies being compromised) which saw Asda own label pots rise from £1.00 to £1.20 overnight, there has been turmoil in the supply chain that's affected paper supplies.  I talk not of writing paper or photocopying paper, but of toilet paper. Yes, the 'Shades' product, Asda's own version, has suddenly jumped from £3.00 for a nine-roll pack (a price that's been in place for absolutely ages) to £3.40.  Yes, an instant rise of 13.3% means that Asda will not be caught short by this possible squeeze on profits.  Instead, it is the consumer who has to put up with the shit deal.

The aisles in the local Asda have been declared the new location for the satellite version of Total Wipeout, the show axed by the BBC.  No trips to Argentina are now needed for contestants, who will instead be offered overnight accommodation is the nearest Travelodge ahead of Asda Wipeout heats and a final at one of the many retail establishments that qualify in offering a suitable course.  All of this is possible because of the awful fucking layouts now in place at most of the smaller stores, which choose as a standard tactic the strategic positioning of goods that serve to impede progress.  This is topped up by further input from the workers who have adopted the company's revised schedules and rotas.  Gone are the days when shelf-stacking was predominantly an evening or nighttime activity.  It seems now that shoppers are expected to negotiate trolleys filled with more shit to go on shelves, plus great big bins on wheels which carry the waste plastic and cardboard.

As a result, one has to make one's way from one end of an aisle to the other while negotiating:

1. Pillars
2. Random fucking baskets of shit on offer
3. Stock waiting to be put on shelves
4. Rubbish trolleys/containers
5. Cunts milling about, deciding how to make shelves look pretty
6. Supervisors watching cunts milling about
7. Inconvenient displays of goods at the ends of aisles that intentionally reduce the width, and fuck everyone off
8. People coming the other way
9. Complete cunts who are friends of the other cunts they are talking to while blocking the fucking aisle
10. Fat fuckers

This all assumes that it is worth the bother, and that the store you're in has got on sale what you want.  This is never a given in anything but the largest stores. Once you've collected 60% of what you intended to buy, the next phase is to negotiate the tail-ends of queues, looking for one that's shorter than a diplodocus's tail. Ideally it will be at a checkout that is NOT operated by the talkative person who is in fancy dress for some un-fucking-known reason, who is daring you to ask what the dressing up is in aid of.  Then there are the people loitering at the end of the checkouts, cramping everyone's style, and guarding a bucket at the end of the chute, which has sellotaped to it a piece of paper noting the unworthy cause for which the loiterers are collecting money.  I say 'collecting' but they are allegedly 'working' to raise money, through helping to pack. When they do this, they are of little or no help, but often have a detrimental effect because they simply fuck up the packing while working against every convention of common sense.  If you don't want them to help, they just stand there getting in the fucking way!

Saturday

My most recent visit involved my experiencing nearly all of the aforesaid, and the game of Asda Wipeout claimed me.  At the end of the fruit and vegetable aisle, I rounded the corner and had to stop.  Ordinarily the space between the end display of onions and peppers and the cabinet opposite would have been sufficient for just two shoppers to pass.  However, the width was such that a single trolley could move by, on account of a plastic tray of potatoes inhabiting floor space in the most obstructive position possible.  Eyes of shoppers met across the crowded and gridlocked area until I dragged the cunting tray and slid it towards the anoraks.  That's right, everyone knows that there should be a rack of anoraks opposite the "three-packs" of peppers!

Past the vegetables, I passed a fat woman who was at first not easily recognisable as an Asda employee. This was on account of her attire - not strictly a uniform, but then XXXXL might have been out of stock. She was speaking to a young chap and I distinctly heard [for there was no 'doppler' effect, what with me travelling forcibly at 'fucking slowly' and her waddling necessarily at 'fucking slowly] her comment:

"You'll have to carry on here; I'm on pizzas."

There was, in my humble opinion, never any doubt she was 'on pizzas' - about sever per day by the look of it.  I think she was trying to get out of lifting trays of vegetable.  So far, she'd managed to put one on the floor to try and obstruct me, and leave the other six on a tower that was still sitting in the middle of the aisle (well, just off-centre) meaning single file traffic.

Eggs are of course the obstacle of choice for most store managers.  The mini-pallets of eggs are fantastic for sticking to one side at the ends of aisles, just to impede people while at the same time teasing shoppers who will be toying with the idea of an omelette for tea.  Round the corner, cunts were standing opposite other cunts, talking rather than shopping, adding to the mayhem.  I resisted the urge to play curling with the basket of biscuits that was ahead of me.  

The DVD selection was dire and overpriced.  The token gestures on sale were at higher prices than other stores let alone other retailers.  I decided I didn't need a ceramic frying pan or any duvet covers, and moved on towards the beer. The horrendous speakers were churning out tinny music and generally robbing the nation of hearing abilities that would become noticeable in later life.  The noise pollution was even worse when I clocked The Wanted singing "She Walks Like Rihanna", and then I smiled when a passing chav was singing along, and came out with "she walks like me nanna".

The lager was £12, two quid more than Morrisons, so I struggled to understand how "Rolling Back The Prices" worked.  I doubled back to get some mince before leaving, but pork mince was simply not on sale; there wasn't even an empty shelf that I could find - there must be a world shortage of pigs then.

The checkouts were mobbed, but at least fancy dress was not visible.  Still, with Halloween coming up, I dare say I'd be greeted by a cunting witch next week.  The shopping packers were in attendance, and I let one of them do something, as she wouldn't have moved out of the way if I'd not involved her. Eighty pounds lighter (monetarily, NOT weight-wise) I left AsdaWorld with a sense of frustration, annoyance and dismay.  I was wiped out.

...

20.10.13 Footballs Do Indeed Bounce

Whether the goal should have been disallowed or not, I have no sympathy.  If the rules state that the ball is still in the control of the goalkeeper if he bounces it, then the rule is over generous.  Samuel Eto'o managed to nick the ball from the Cardiff keeper when it was mid bounce.  I think that if the keeper had possession, then why the fuck did he need to bounce it.

NOTICE TO ALL GOALKEEPERS: The ball does indeed bounce - no need to test that.

So, the strange obsession that leads goalkeepers to bounce the ball has led to one in their ranks losing out. As far as I am concerned, the rule should be changed.  If the keeper has the ball three inches from his foot as he walks towards the edge of the box, then it is perfectly okay for an opponent to try and kick it away. How on earth is the keeper in any less control of such a ball than a ball that he has thrown to the ground, hoping that it will obey the laws of physics and bounce back up?

Feeling hard done by is something that could so easily have been avoided.  In my day, the keeper would religiously, after gathering the ball, clutch it to his chest and look left and right.  Only when opponents had moved away would he decide it was appropriate to loosen his grip.

Those who quote the rules say that "the ball is considered under the goalkeeper's control when he bounces it" now have categorical proof that this is a fallacy, because clearly it was NOT under the control of keeper David Marshall!

...

20.10.13 Channel of the Year My Arse

Let's look at the evidence, and then decide whether ITV in any way qualifies for nomination as 'Channel of the Year' let alone being worthy as the supposed winner of this lame accolade.  The television schedule for Sunday makes for awful reading, and provides no more than a smattering of programmes which are not in fact repeats.  There are nine of them, as follows:

SUNDAY 20TH OCT

Ade In Britain - 55 minutes of yawn factor to kick off the morning.
Columbo - don't get me wrong, it's classic; but 2 hours of padding
X-Factor - 125 minutes; yesterday's programme again
Fool Britannia - 30 minutes of another repeat from yesterday
All Star Family Fortunes - 60 minutes and it cannot get worse
Downton Abbey - 60 minutes with last week's offering repeated
You've Been Framed - 25 mins of repeated clips - dire and tired
Women Behind Bars - 60 mins; another showing of Trevor McDonald's programme just a week or two after it was first aired!  Pathetic, ITV.
The Cube - 55 minutes of repeat; it did get worse

This amounts to 10 hours of regurgitated stuff!  The truth is quite simple; all of the above is complete bollocks, leaving Sunday's on ITV a bleak place to be, and the only reason for the channel's existence is the showing of two programmes.  Yes, X-Factor - The Results followed by Downton Abbey are the only two non-repeated offerings that count. The rest of the day is SHIT.  How, then, does ITV have the cunting nerve to put "Channel of the Year" next to its crappy logo?

...

19.10.13 X-Factor Live Finals (Wk2)

So, Piss On Normal went home last week, and promptly set about whinging. Apparently the X-Factor is . . . wait for it . . . "rigged".  That's right, Lorna Simpson thinks there's a level of manipulation, staging, favouritism and cuntism [I made that last one up, but I know that's what she meant] in the show.  The CIC are of course cunts; that's why they are called the CIC and are in charge! Sadly we won't see her performing any more, which would only be a shame if it denied us the chance to eject her mentor Sharon.  Alas the judges cannot be voted off, which is a real pity, especially when one decides NOT to judge. Useless waste of time, you are, Burn A Horse Soon.  A £1.8M package for horseshit.

I have no sympathy for Simpson, and anyone who read my last X-Factor post will understand why, I did have some sympathy for the chap who insisted on Yodelling in the earlier stages.  Why he thought his 'talent' would be appreciated and appropriate I've no idea.  But, for some reason he was egged on - not just by his friends and family, but by the fucking judges!  Barclay Beales was put through to Boot Camp by the judges, who then had the cunting nerve to laugh at him and claim it was preposterous to yodel.  The worst offender by far was Zero Screeching Nil, who came over all 'hot and bothered' by the singing.  The prize idiots in the chairs allowed Barclay to go through and then were horrible.  If that isn't a perfect example of manipulation (and cuntism) I don't know what is.

By now you'll have no doubt spotted the anagrams in play (all in orange type) and I hope you're able to identify the culprits.  It's not very challenging really, but it amused me while typing, and it's alarming how 'flexible' some names are. I will thus be flexing my brain during this week's comments on the performances - which I will now get to.

Say I'm Able

The one-trick-pony, Sam Bailey, did her usual stuff with a ballad and bored me. Yes, she can sing, but boredom is not really the aim of X-Factor, is it?

Barlow: "Somehow you take the bar up another level.  Stripped back."  Yawn.
Shitsinger: "It left me luke warm."  For once I agree with her.
U Is Shallow - "Blah Blah Blah - ScrewBo" and then he told us: "You made that song your own."  Tit.
Sam: "I don't wanna be a one-trick-pony."  FAIL !!!

Kids Groan Land

Lightweight shite delivered in a wimpish way by five chaps who are no doubt nice if you know them, but they can't really sing very well  - and that's the point - even if they are just about in tune.

Nicole: "Good job, good job, you look super cute and the ladies were lovin' you."
Elf: "Gary and I know more about boy bands than anyone else on this panel." Ha!
One Sour Nob Rash: "Great energy."  Shit comment.
Barlow: "Blah, Blah, work ethic."  Yawn.

Scold Old Chinaman

Nicholas manages to be genuine and get on with the job in hand.  Solid enough performance, although a bit predictable.  Better than the others without really trying.

SO: She lost the plot, after the 9th Baccardi.
Warbly Argo: "Your voice is excellent."
Nicole: "Whenever you sing it melts my heart."
Elf: "You're what the show's all about.  You're my baby Buble of the show." Thanks, Elf.

Not Labia

The most individual performer must surely be Abi Alton.  No one can argue that her voice is good. Sometime she needs to be careful not to waver.  The musical arrangements and twists on the records are the best aspects, but sometimes her voice isn't quite there.

Elf: "I don't think you were comfortable."
SO: "They're all nuts.  You have got it all going on with those sexy feet."  Twat.
Barlow: "A little bit sleepy for me tonight."  Pot-kettle-black, Barlow: you're comatose for 90% of the time.

Smelly Shit, Eh?

Shelley: "The flash vote was hideous."  Hmmm . . . good word.  The VT included SO telling Shelley she ought to show her sassy side.  Since when did the British public want or need "sassy".  Come on you 'wurzel'.  Try to pronounce your words properly, though.

Barlow: "What can I say about that?  I'm not sure; it really wasn't for me."
Nicole: "I love your energy.  It was a little Sch-weird.  It was a Sch-no-no.  You gave it your all."  Fucking bonkers, Nicole - you are completely 'Mullered'.
Elf: "You deserve to be here."  Liar.
No Arse Or No Bush: "You deserve to be here."  Liar.

This was the honey monster wriggling horribly while making a noise.

Say Mix Minds

A bye to the next round, after SeSe (the pregnant one) was too ill to perform. Final Real Cock had a quick word with the other two backstage.  Seems we will have to miss Miss Dynamix.

Am Anal Clash

What a drippy song, sung in a painful way that was more drab than flock wallpaper in a dimly lit basement. Dodgy vocals early on, before he started shouting instead, and a few prepubescent girls squealed.  Jason Mraz he ain't. Still, better than last week.

SO: "Don't look so terrified."
Blag A Worry: "The first minute was too low for you."  [Too long for me . . .]
Nicole: "I know hard hard you worked."
Elf: "You're the hardest working contestant. You're a ready made pop start." You twat, Elf.

Fearsome Tart

After her kick-boxing exploits [not in a sports arena of course, but at Gravesend station, with an accomplice, and an unwilling 16-year-old victim] and the various drug-related issues, I wondered what else might come to light. Well, I've not been let down this week, after learning that Tamera managed to lift some items from Boots a few weeks after her first audition for X-Factor. She escaped any prosecution for shoplifting after the manager took a lenient approach.  Tamera Foster may well have a good voice, but she is anything BUT a role model and arguably she has got less of the X-Factor and more of the XXXX-Factor.  Still, Tweedy's done okay.

Elf: "Keep your fee on the ground and work really hard."
SO: "That song was perfect for you."
Barlow: "Well done."
Chlorine Grees Zinc: "It was so controlled; less was more."

To be fair, it was indeed better than most, and rather more interesting to listen to than the average ones.  Eat More Farts is still probably the favourite to win.

Lady Or Remote

Dermot's little bit of input this week involved a pathetic chat with audience members who were in fact relatives or supporters of the acts.  It was all completely needless.

I Feel Drunk

His mum apparently phone him every ten minutes and so she is thus a pain, just like her son.  Excellent song choice, but sadly this chap's voice just isn't up to scratch.  No, it is NOT quirky/good, just forced and slightly off.  Have a good cough, Luke Friend.

SO: "I have an awful soft spot for you."
Barlow: "I love the quirkiness you have."  No, Thomas-The-Tank.
Nicole: "I felt a little bit of dreadlocks going into the performance.  You took it to church."  Arsehole, Nicole!
Elf: "You're Cool Hand Luke."

The pathetic competition to find out which judge gave "the best critique" was pathetic, and Dermot should have Motored Early.

Gory Pouch

This was weak at the outset and got no better until it finished.  The vocals were off, and it was simply awful.

Nicole: She struggled to read the auto-cue with her pre-prepared comment.
Elf: "You took a pop song you tweaked it and made it your own."  Thanks, Lulu.
SO: "Your performances are effortless."  Yes, and talentless, luv.
Ropy Cough: "We brought it, you know what I mean."

Backstage, A One Fill Crack interviewed the acts pointlessly.  Grabbing a useless couple of words with a useless couple of turds was simply avoidable.

The Bath Ran Ran

After learning she's always been insecure about the way she looks (on top of the other disabilities she carries - working in Greggs, crying a lot, and losing her dad a few years ago) we were treated to her doing some shopping on the VT.  Da Doo Ron Ron was not the song choice - it was Beautiful, by Christina Aguilera.

Elf: "Hannah Barrett - I love the makeover. It's so hard to believe you're only 16. Oh, you're 17 are you?"
SO: You are beautiful inside and out.
Barlow: "This is when you're at your best, singing for your life.  QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When you bend both knees and go for it, it's sensational."
Nicole: "This week has been quite a journey for you."  [This is the gospel according to Shitsinger.]

Is Hannah on some sort of mission to sing for the world's disadvantaged?  She apparently sang for all the people who feel they are not beautiful.  Yawn.  Next week she'll be campaigning for those with a sore verruca.

Flash Vote

Sad Anglo Drink

Kingsland (Middle Of The) Road were actually much better than Ouch Gropy but when has this contest ever been about the best and worst singers?  Gary reminded us that James Arthur was once in the bottom two and came back to win.  That's right, Gary, another travesty, that!

...

19.10.13 Strictly - Darcey Bussell Loses The Plot

What the fuck?  It's not just Bruce Forsythe who's lost marbles - Darcey managed to do it.  Somehow she managed to drag Len into it as well.  I willed Craig to vote properly, and of course he did, when judging Mark Benton.  It was a 5 at very best, but I predicted a 3 from Craig.  Craig voted with a 3, then Darcey gave him an 8 !!!  Len did the same, and Bruno give a 7.  What the fucking fuck?  A joke.  Mark scored 26 after stomping around like a nob, pulling silly faces.  I like him, but that doesn't mean he should be patronised by the muppet gallery.

Deborah Meaden was awful and got 23.  Hearing about her smile was NOT relevant.  It's the same as 'energy' and 'commitment' and 'hard work' - all are irrelevant, and any reference by anyone to the 'fun' or 'hard work' is completely superfluous.

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19.10.13 No Justice At All & No Responsibility Anymore

Beverley Concannon is not sent to jail.  There is no justice in the UK, and certainly no level of responsibility at all.  It's bad enough that the dumbing down of society means thick cunts who knowingly took out various insurances can now claim to have been victims of misselling.  That bandwagon allows Cunt-Public to take no responsibility for anything.  How much worse to read the story of how 14-year-old Jade was mauled to death, only for the owner of four dogs to escape prison through 'lack of evidence'.  The dogs were kept in horrendous conditions to the point where they were psychologically fucked. The abuse and deprivation meant they were growling time-bombs.  Where is the fucking responsibility?  Ownership of a dog means a responsibility to treat it appropriately.  However, the legal system in the UK is so fucking 'wet' that as with so many other areas in society, there is little or no real responsibility apportioned.  A suspended sentence of only 16 weeks is pathetic for someone whose actions caused the hyper-aggressive dogs to maul jade to death.  As for her having to pay costs and a 'victim surcharge' of £165, well that's just appalling - not least because this cunt is on benefits, so really we are all paying her fine for her.  How can the relatives ever believe in fairness or justice again?  How can they begin to live or ever feel that Jade was a victim not once but twice, after the courts then compound the tragedy?

Keeping a dog should mean the owner is fully responsible for any outcome from its actions, and whether there is physical injury that results or the effects of intimidation, owners should be dealt with.

Anyone being fined should not be on benefits, or the taxpayers is in effect on the receiving end.  Those on benefits should always be jailed.

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13.10.13 X-Factor Result (Wk1)

Can someone please explain the following to me, as I am struggling to understand what sort of standards are now in place (any?) and the CIC are sending out a strange message - not to mention the US government.

Lorna Simpson

Like many, I've read the papers and have seen the photo showing Lorna posing with a shotgun.  Sure, it was "when she was a teenager in Jamaica" [which probably means 19 and 10 months], so does that mean it doesn't count then? When she was married to a cocaine dealer, was she really dreaming of singing and of votes arriving via text from other teenagers looking up to her? Maybe not, which could thus explain her appearance in a low budget 'porn' film in May. None of this really changes her singing ability, but the programme title suggests the winner needs something just a bit more - the X-Factor - and maybe there's been a shift in what we want the 'X' to stand for.  The CIC certainly think so.

Rough Copy

Kazeem Ajobe is no stranger to controversy, having had a trial run last year and pulled out of X-Factor. This time around, as part of the trio, he again came unstuck because of "visa issues" - a slightly damage limitation phrase put out by the CIC to explain his inability to travel to the USA for the Judges' Houses stage of the competition.  It turns out that the USA has rather more rigid (and many would argue more appropriate) control of its borders than the limp-brained and limp-wristed Britain.  As a result, the USA is of the opinion that someone with a conviction for assault, and then affray a year later after another fight/brawl.  I am not sure if the 2010 caution for cannabis possession was relevant but I suspect that didn't help much.

It seems standards have dropped sufficiently for him to be invited back to the competition by Gary Barlow (or the CIC) and I don't see how that makes any sense.  The duo warbled enough to get through to the live finals [easier than managing a Rubiks Cube, if you're a 'group' in X-Factor] and so according to Barlow's criteria, didn't need to have back the bloke that will stop them going to the USA next time as well. However, let's hope there's no deviation from one of the other two, Sterling; it would be a shame if he was in any way influenced by two cousins who are serving life for gangland execution.  It's not his fault he's related to them - however, having a father who is in jail for a string of burglaries is a bit too close for comfort though.  Still, the CIC are prepared to overlook so much these days.

Tamera Foster

So the apparent favourite has made some headline for the wrong reasons.  As already posted by me, there are some rather unsavoury elements to this girl's make-up, and I don't mean the mascara.  A police caution last year for attacking someone at a train station was surely something that should have led the CIC to be rather careful about promoting and endorsing her?  Is Tamera lucky that the Judges' Houses stage didn't involve flying to the USA (and the resultant 'visa issues') or was she simply lucky to have been only fifteen when caught?  Rather luckier, I suggest, than the poor girl who was on the receiving end.  Tamera has apparently never apologised to Holly Wilks, the sixteen-year-old victim who was kicked and punched. Tamera has of course said she's sorry to the newspapers, no doubt encouraged to do so by the CIC. Apparently responsibility for the attack was not full, as Tamera claims she was 'high'.  Oh, that's all right then, is it?  WTF!

All this came to light after the boasting on Twitter and Facebook about smoking cannabis and 'zoom'.  I am quite sure that she really does "want to move on".  After ruining Holly's chances of living a normal life after the beating, it seems awful that Holly has to watch Tamera parading on TV, and coming out with: "I don't want anything to get in the way of me achieving my dream."  I'm sure you don't.  And it seems that the CIC are prepared to overlook your past.

Cheryl Tweedy

How does Cheryl manage to come and go as she pleases, then?  Surely her conviction for assault has caused some 'visa issues' then?  We all know she punched a toilet attendant in the face in 2003, so surely the criminal record had consequences?  Seems not.  Maybe Cheryl's example has been noted by Tamera, who sees her as a role model.  Meanwhile, we are all supposed to forget that the CIC make exceptions whenever they want to.

[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

The Results

I can now move on to other things, as the criminality amongst the rest of the hopefuls extends to little more than OTT crying (Hannah Barrett) assuming that serving pies is not yet illegal.  I refrain from counting some of yesterday's singing performances as 'criminal' because it's the first week, and they are allowed to be nervous and shit.  In my comments yesterday, there was little that was complimentary for very good reason. The "averageness" was ubiquitous, with only Sam (Bailey, NOT Callahan) and Nicholas truly standing out from the pack, with quirky Abi toying with that notion.

Shelly Smith should of course never have got through to the live finals, and it's only because there are four judges that twelve make it.  I think the CIC should switch to picking a couple each, giving us eight in the finals - and saving us Xtra pain.  So, making it to be one of the dregs, via the "Flash Vote" was inevitable for the karaoke singer who surely no one took seriously.

The recap was painful, after O'Dreary introduced the 'highlights' of last night. Ellie Goulding managed to provide a wimpish performance, and what must surely be her most formulaic load of tosh ever.  Burn - yep, that would be good, or should that be 'gould'.  With a good voice, she should be singing something better than this. A let-down, luv. Don't believe anything that Dermot O'Dreary might say.  The backing music was reminiscent of Olive - far better than this effort.  He gave the 5-minute warning, and I wondered whether to boil an egg with time to spare, or eat my own brain.  I opted for finding another lager and wishing that we were all five weeks further on in this agonising process.

Cher arrived, and I was instantly demoted to a lower register.  Why does she sing like a bloke sucking a gobstopper?  She has the legs of a tranny and the charisma of a squirrel - not sure whether she has any nuts but I have suspicions.  Truly awful, and a saddle would disappear if she sat on a horse.

So, after yet another advert break (after news of the pathetic competition) it is 37 minutes into the results programme before we get a sniff of any fucking progress towards a result!    'In no particular order' was another way of confirming 'no one gives a shit' and we were fed the ones saved.  Hannah gesticulated as though she was about to enter the ring for tag-team wrestling! Nicole Shitsinger just looked pissed off for most of the ordeal.  Fuck knows how Ropy Cough were saved.  Luke got through last, to leave Lorna Simpson to sing against Shelley in the sing-off.  Both ought to be going, so no preference here.

Shelley managed not to pronounce properly a single fucking syllable in the head-to-head warble.  The pain was severe, and I at least reveled in Sharon Osbourne's loss of a contestant.  One Night Only was one cunting night too many for Shelley Smith!  Dire; go home.

Bazooka Joe, aka Lorna Simpson, was up next wearing slacks and a Christmas jumper, singing a slow ballad about 'in my dreams' and other such bollocks.  I have no idea what it was called, but it was impossible for it to have been worse than Shelley's shite.

Sharon Osbourne looked uglier than a moose's turd as she deliberated for one quarter of a  second before abstaining.  Waste of fucking space!  Elf said: "Dermot, two brilliant singers."  What a nob you are, Louis, and you insist on proving it time and time again.  Sending home Lorna was a mad choice, as if I give a shit. TTT opted to send home Shelley.  'Good Job' waffled like a twat for a while before sending home Lorna.

What a load of bollocks; the 'X' is looking like standing for 'Cunt'.  This is so bad it's wonderful.

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