For the avoidance of doubt, I will provide a small key to help with the understanding of my abbreviated comments. I was disappointed with the show tonight, and of course all the tired phases found a place into Dermot's microphone. Of course everyone 'worked so hard'. Fucking mind-numbing bollocks.
DOD = Dermot O'Dreary
TTT = Thomas The Tank (Gary Barlow)
GJ = Nicole 'Good Job' ShitSinger
FL = Face Lift Osbourne
Elf = Louis Walsh
TMWSC - Me
The format is simple, with an Excellent / Average / Awful system, and tonight there were some definite vocal problems.
Hannah Barrett =
Elf - "Hannah Barrett, you're 16 years old." Thanks for that, Louis.
FL - "I just want to give your big titties a hug." What the fuck????
TTT - "I'm so impressed you got from one end of the show to the other without crying."
GJ - "You've got so much soul."
TMWSC - "Average."
Nicholas McDonald =
FL - "How old are you?" [Patronising old trout]
TTT - "You really nailed it." [Never heard that one before]
GJ - Some general shallow naff comment or other, with that pained expression.
Elf - "You're what this show is all about; finding and unknown little kid." Hmmm, not sure about that, Louis.
TMWSC - "Excellent."
Miss Dynamix =
GJ -"I just wanted you to have more fun." [With an awful drawl]
Elf - "You were working on the dance moves a little too much."
FL - "You're chemistry is definitely there."
TTT - "We're just starting to see how good you could be."
TMWSC - "Yes, Gary - not very. Nicole, I just wanted them to actually sing in tune."
Sam Bailey =
TTT - "That was totally off the clock." [Said Thomas ??]
GJ - "I am speechless." [Wish you were !!]
Elf - "You hit every single note." [That's the general idea, Louis !!]
FL - "You nailed it, Mrs; I've got goosebumps all over." [Get some more botox then.]
TMWSC - "Excellent."
Sam Callahan =
Elf -"Nobody works harder than Sam." [Not interested, Louis.]
TMWSC - "Dodgy vocals."
Kingsland Road =
GJ - "I was very impressed. I'm going to call you 'Hairland' not Kingsland." [Twat.]
Elf -"You've got great energy, guys, and that's what the show is all about." [No it's not, you idiot.]
TMWSC - "Middle of the (Kingsland) road."
Shelley Smith =
Shelley during intro - "We're going to totally strip back Shelley." [Heaven forbid!]
TTT- "You are a character and the competition needs characters. [Not this much, Thomas.]
GJ - "You stripped it all back; good job."
Elf - "Hey, Shelley, you gave it Wellie; you're a belter." [Yeah, belt 'er please.]
FL - "You owned it." [Lame as hell, Sharon.]
TMWSC - "So affected and so cabaret/karaoke, as ever.]
Abi Alton =
GJ - "Good job."
TMWSC - "Whilst they all liked it a lot, there were some wobbly moments vocally."
Lorna Simpson =
TTT - "The first 30 seconds it was all over the place, then you knocked it out of the park." [What ??]
GJ - "Watch your pitch." [Watch your own, luv, and that horrible American affected drawl.]
Elf - "You've got a very powerful disco voice - you hit every single note." [Elf, stop congratulating people on hitting the fucking notes; that's the minimum we should fucking expect!]
TMWSC - "Too brash and too much 'growling' with the throaty affected delivery, which in itself was enough to demote you to 'average', although your posing with a shotgun is hardly good publicity either."
Tamera Foster =
GJ - "You are a forced to be reckoned with; good job." [This is not a typo, but what she said.]
TMWSC - "Weird song arrangement and timing issues resulted. She has a good voice but this song did nothing to help her demonstrate that."
Luke Friend =
FL - "You gave it your all and performance value was bang on." [Not the voice, though, eh?]
GJ - "I love your tone; good job."
Elf - "It's 80s week; you made it your own; you brought it." [Shut up, Louis.]
TMWSC - "Style (alleged) over substance, with weak vocals and some shouting.
Rough Copy =
Rough Copy in intro - "We just wanna kill it, smash it."
Kaz - " . . . my visa issue . . . [Hmmm . . another time, mate, but for now let's ignore this.]
GJ - "You might be the best band I've ever seen on this show . . and I mean internationally. [You twat, Nicole; 'band' is not the correct term, and they were most definitely NOT the best of anything.]
Elf - "Surprise of the evening for me."
TMWSC - "Totally average, with some wobbly vocals. What was everyone listening to?"
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