18.4.12 Confucius Say

• Why are the pillows in a Travelodge flatter than a squashed vol au vent?
• Why is the stress so different in 'Patrol' from the stress in pronouncing 'Petrol'?
• Is Thai Cheese fitter and more agile than other cheeses?
• How many people have ever actually killed two birds with a stone?
• Football managers should be banned from chewing gum.
• Who at Victoria Plumb decided the best advertising strategy was to use the sides of abandoned trailers in fields alongside motorways?
• The Euro is a currency with Parkinson's Disease.
• No songs should ever be allowed a reference to the 'DJ' in the lyrics.
• Travelodge soap is second in hardness only to diamonds.
• Use of the words "kind of" and "kinda" should be outlawed in civilised society.
• The Co-op should be liquidised in a giant blender, and all/any profits given back to Dividend Card holders.
• Ashley Young should be tied to a post as part of his training, so that he manages rather better at staying upright and not falling over when the breath of a sparrow performing the 'Birdie Song' can ordinarily topple him.
• Ken Livingstone should move to the Polish salt mines and remain underground.

• Why do Mars Bars taste like shit now?
• Lenny Henry has not been funny this century.
• Why do belts have to be removed at airports?
• Goal line technology is a fucking must, so sort it!
• Green taxes are a cuntin con!
• The EU is a bloated, mad, fucked-up, and pointless institution that demonstrates on a rolling basis that it will never ever serve the collected 'community' nor be anything other than a cuntin catastrophe.
• Tom Jones should retire and/or hibernate.
• Why oh why does this series of the 'Great British Menu' need to have forty-fuckin-five episodes?
• Only an idiot would expect the estimate (in 2005) of £2.37billion as the cost of the 2012 Olympics not to end up being ten times that figure.
• What if your brother is heavy, though, Mr & Mr Righteous.
• Is there anywhere that I can go to escape news and pictures of Rihanna?
• Why does Pippa associate with guns?
• With so many benefits available, why should people in the UK work?
• With such useless border control in the UK, why should people not flock here?
• After Labour fucked the UK to within an inch of its life, why is the Coalition being a collective 'twat'?
• Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, Play a Song For Me.

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