Shut the fuck up, Sherzinger, you're pissing me off with your bollocks.
My Shazza is supposed to be the fucking loopy one, not you!
This week it was Elton John and Beyonce providing the songs. I've always struggled to understand why a final doesn't have just two contestants in it rather than three, so really two should be eliminated this weekend.
Look Pal
Louis 'Elf' Walsh: "It's the little boy from Devon, Luke Friend."
There was too much straining (and/or desperation) in his voice. Maybe he's spent some time in the presence of James Arthur - that would explain it. The performance was too 'shouty' for me, and shouting doesn't mask a limited singing ability.
Osbourne: "My darling little hair ball. The song's a bit wishy nothing of a song."
Barlow: "I would love to see you on the stage at Wembley Arena next week. Good job."
Shitsinger: "You Lukified it."
Elf: "Everybody in this studio were on deir feet."
Nicholas McDonald
Louis 'Elf' Walsh: "Beyonce's not an easy thing to do." [Should that be 'Bouncing' instead?]
It was indeed a hard song to sing, but that doesn't excuse the very wobbly start and flat notes at the beginning, and in general he struggles with many of the notes, especially lower ones. Sadly it was pretty awful and I've no idea why he was singing this particular song - probably because he had no choice.
Osbourne: "Tell the mother everything; why are you crying?" [Because he fucked up]
Barlow: "That wasn't like you, pitching (?) at the beginning and your voice cracked a few times at the end."
Shitsinger just talked complete shit.
Elf: "It was a big song for a little guy from Glasgow. Scotland are behind you."
Dermot: "He ain't happy with that."
Sam Bailey
She was a bit wobbly on the low notes at the start before her normal voice kicked in. The rest was in line with normal service and her ballad abilities prevailed.
Barlow: "Good job, Sam." [Change the record, Gary]
Shitsinger: "Saaaaam. You took it back to the Sam roots, cajunas, balls. You did this 'hunkering down' thing that I love; exceptional job." [She meant 'cojones']
Elf: "You tick every single box."
Rough Copy
Indeed it was a 'rough copy' and I considered renaming the group Endos-Copy, as the three need to take a look at themselves. They did not manage to produce an acceptable version of the Bouncy song, and half way through, as they repeated "Oh, Oh" a few times, I thought "Uh-oh!" The song was "I'm a Survivor", and I am hoping for some irony come the result.
Shitsinger made some weird and loud noises.
Elf: "Every week you bring something. Nobody works harder than Rough Copy. [Hang on, Louis, you've been telling us for two months that Sam Callahan was the hardest worker?] I would have toned it down a bit, though."
Shitsinger then lost the plot completely and started wailing and arguing.
Osbourne: "It's all overload for me - people humping the floor, all that skipping, hopping, bopping."
Dermot announced that the phone lines were open, and I rushed . . . . . . . for a swig of tea.
Scores on the doors:
Luke 2/5
Nicholas 1/5
Sam 4/5
Rough Copy 1.5/10
Nicholas - 2nd Song
Barlow: "Good job."
Shitsinger: "Good job, honey."
Elf: "You nailed that song; your first song was a bit weak but you were emotional. We forget you're only 17." [No we don't, Louis, because you never shut the fuck up on this topic.]
Luke - 2nd Song
This song (Something About The Way You Look/Luke) was slower than the first one, and required more singing than shouting during the first part. This showed him to be okay but distinctly average. Towards the end of the song, the usual shouting was required and delivered.
Barlow: "Good job." [Yawn, Gary.]
Shitsinger: "You have this ginormous heart and it shines through. You stripped it all back." [Bollocks]
Elf: "People of Devon, lift the phones." [Not quite 'Winston Churchill']
Luke: "I wanted to show my versatility." [Well you didn't]
Intermission - with Caroline Flack
During this pointless ninety-second segment, Flack asked Alexandra Burke how the contestants were feeling and then who impressed her. The answer was the person next to her - Sam. Then, after confirming she had a soft spot for Luke, Flack asked Sam another pointless question. We returned to Dermot none the wiser about anything, but with proof that ITV is showing a bias towards Sam.
Rough - 2nd Song
A Rough Copy Bod: "Elton John is one of the best singer songwriters in the industry." [Thanks for that wonderful piece of news]
Another Rough Bod: "If one of us mucks up, there's nowhere to hide." [What about when all three of you fuck up?]
I was not impressed with this version. It started off okay, although it was hard to accept the revised lyrics. Elton wrote and sang "What have I got to do to make you love me?" whereas Rough Copy opted for the erroneous "What I gotta do to make you love me?" and thus failed. As the song went on, it basically got worse, with questionable harmonies and a dubious arrangement. Some sounds were acceptable, though.
Shitsinger: "Pack your bags, y'all deserve to be in the final." [Sadly you'll be included, Nicole] "Each one of you are so strong." [Wrong in terms of grammar and wrong in terms of being fucking wrong]
Osbourne: "You three were naked; you nailed it." [Lessons off Louis, Sharon? 'Nailed it' for God's sake]
Sam - 2nd Song
This was sung in too high a register, and needed dropping an octave. She sang it very well but it started too high and stayed there. It was appreciated by all the judges, although Nicole lost the plot. I am quite sure I heard her say:
"Shit talking mushrooms" but there were scrambled efforts to restate it as 'shiitake mushrooms'. Either way, the woman is deranged.
Scores on the doors - 2nd Song:
Luke 2.5/5
Nicholas 4/5
Sam 4.5/5
Rough Copy 2/10
...
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