Whilst some might be in a fluster, or perhaps have been in the last few days, I can confirm that I've not been under any stress because of Christmas looming. I have, however, noticed the completely annoying 'stress' that is so misplaced by various singers. Yes, as we all know, Christmas is a time for (and an excuse for) shit music. There are two varieties of shit.
1 - Songs that are inherently completely and utterly SHIT. It seems that under the banner of 'Christmas', any cunt can perform a song that's so appallingly shit and yet escape criticism. Well, not from this direction! Listening to the car radio, I have in the last week managed to avoid ramming the car in front while being distracted by bollocks from the speakers.
2 - Songs that may or may not be inherently shit, but which have their shitiness accentuated by the annoying habit of the singer to mess about with the timing. Yes, the 'stress' that is so misplaced (mentioned above) is the pathetic notion in the brains of singers whereby it's mandatory to wait an extra second here and there, and then rush the next lyrics to play catch-up. If this is their idea of "making it their own" then I wish the'd fucking lose it!
So, we have established that the "artistic licence" of singers under category 2 is annoying as fuck. What I have observed is that whilst songs suffer from this type of meddling, Christmas Carols seem exempt from such variations. This is possibly a good things, although the dirges that come our way are hardly entertaining. Also, there seems to be some sort of competition between the normal TV channels to out-carol each other, and the general obsession with singing is as annoying as the fucking Halifax adverts. As for Gareth Malone, I think he needs to take a Kit-Kat.
TODAY
5.15pm ITV The Nation's Favourite Christmas Song. Apparently this includes Mariah Carey, Wizzard and Slade - as if there was ever any fucking doubt!
6.15pm BBC2 Carols from King's. "Music and readings from the chapel of King's College, Cambridge, including Once in Royal David's City, O Little Town of Bethlehem and God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" - as if there was ever any fucking doubt!
8.05pm Channel 4 Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Carols and Caravans. Fucking madness and complete obsession, as ever, with gypsies, fatness and all things in poor taste.
10.15pm ITV Christmas Carols on ITV. "Aled Jones [who else could it possible be!] presents an evening of festive performances from St Michael the Archangel Church." O Joy to the world - not.
11.45pm BBC1 Westminster Abbey: The First Eucharist of Christmas. "Carols include O Come All Ye Faithful, Hark! The Herald Angels Sing and O Little Town of Bethlehem." - as if there was ever any fucking doubt!
Channel 5 has opted to avoid carols altogether, thankfully, but has undone its good work by thinking we would prefer: 7.00pm Eddie Stobart: 12 Days of Christmas followed by The Muppets and Lady Gaga.
Finally, I'd like to confirm to the overweight chav kid who thumped on the door and SAID, upon the door being answered, "We wish you a merry Christmas" the other night that this in no way constituted carol singing! It was more of a shake-down. Twat!
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