Preliminary Shit
The group performance which included input from all of the finalists was a useful demonstration of why some of them simply didn't deserve to get anywhere! Only when they all sang together did the weak ones get away with anything - a bit like a school assembly and mumbling along with a dirge about "ploughing the fields and fucking scattering". The start by Rough Copy was woeful.
So, what have we learned? Tamera didn't forget her words, Rough Copy are still crap, Shelley looks manic, Sam Callahan's hard work isn't yet paying off, and Sam Bailey still doesn't suit jumpsuits.
The review of last night was rather long, ending with Nicole saying "bad ass shits unite" for some strange reason, while walking off stage separate from Sam; all rather odd - but then again it's all about Shitslinger, isn't it!
One Direction
A performance that satisfied all females aged 8-19, and of course the Osbourne woman who was watching on TV from Madame Tussauds while her waxwork counterpart was sitting with the other judges.
Pathetic Questions of the Night
Dermot: "What are you doing for Christmas, Harry - are you a turkey guy?"
Dermot: "Louis, what are you doing?"
The highlight chat included Shitslinger saying she enjoyed sharing the stage with Sam, although "hogging the stage" would have been rather more accurate.
Nicholas McDonald
Mrs Mop: "Good luck little boy."
Barlow: "You've got a pretty good chance."
Shitslinger: "You have the voice of an angel with butter wings; your tone is like butter and so weightless." [Complete Muller-Tosser!]
Sam Bailey
Mrs O has aged rather badly, turning to RUST - what's with the colour, eh? Then she decided to use the NON-WORD "bestest" and despite me thinking it impossible, went down even further in my estimation. Then we had the preparation for hearing Sam sing 'The Power of Love'. How boring. Good, but boring.
I have a real problem in hearing a perfect copy of someone's song. So, Jennifer Rush will get my money if I decide I need a copy of this song. Excellent 'copy', but not much 'X'.
Shitslinger: "You were born to do two things - a sher-mazing mum and to be a star on this stage."
Mrs Rust: "Please, please keep voting for Sam."
During the extended break, at the beginning of which there was the boring competition information delivered by JLS, I learned that part of the prize was tickets to the "X-Factor inspired musical, I Can't Sing" and can think of no better title for such shite.
Katy Perry
If ever proof were needed that one excellent pop song is not followed by another, this was it. The last one ('Roar') was very good and very successful. This one ('Unconditionally') is an AWFUL song with no musical credence and far too many letters/syllables to work. Against this backdrop Katy delivered a noise that had the most shit vocals of the night! I rather wish there had been some fucking conditions imposed - ie. radio silence. 1/10. The idiots in the audience were ready to clap anything.
Nicholas - Again
A rather good performance, chap.
Mrs Rust: "That song was amazing."
Barlow: "Well done."
Shitslinger spoke like she was giving a sermon from the Mount.
Flack introduced his mum who told us he's only seventeen.
Sam - Again
Rather wobbly vocals (?) and proof that she can indeed struggle on some (low) notes, until she gets to the belting bits at a higher level. No doubt she's already one, and the wobbles will be overlooked because she is certainly good. Why do I feel so bored, though?
Shitslinger - more shit about time and timing.
Elf: "That's going to be a number one record."
Rust - tears.
Flack introduced her family, well, her kid and her mum, but NOT her husband?
Barlow & Elton
Average, chaps.
Result
The winner was revealed by Dermot after the usual ten-second wait, as Sam Bailey.
X-Factor: Series Epilogue
So, with departures from Sharon Osbourne and Gary Barlow, possibly from Louis and sadly probably not from Scherzinger, it's thank God for the end of an era, or as the Americans might say (a whole lot more accurately once, in terms of pronunciation) the end of an error. The whole thing needs a bit more than refreshment - overhaul sounds a whole lot more appropriate.
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