After a ludicrous number of weeks, we've arrived at the 'grand final', which of course in the tradition on any TV show 'final' doesn't involve the last two. No, the final on this show's format allows for FOUR. Even X-Factor pisses about with only three over two days. The SCD producers think that after making us watch shows and dance-offs for what seems like 832 weeks, and seeing just one person ejected each time, it's appropriate now to hurry along with the 4-3-2-1 in a single evening. As for the annoying overuse and inappropriate use of the term "girl power", it's NOT about boys v girls, and use of that term shows intellectual bankruptcy. Anyway, let's have a look at what's on offer.
The Terrible Twats
Bruce Forsythe
A 'national institution', that's exactly where he ought to be. There must surely be a sanitarium with a spare cubicle for him? I expect to listen to his drivel and shit delivery of shit 'jokes' and general shit all fucking evening, while he moans about having to go up and down the stairs continually. The contrived and predictable nature of his presence and material is so awful that it defies further comment.
Tess Daly
Sad Style [anagram]
This monstrous being is close behind Bruce for annoyance quotient, and rather too full of herself. Someone must have convinced her at some time in the past that she had talent, and while doing so, must have hypnotised the entire workforce of the BBC. Talk about the empress's and no clothes. Actually, she's not wearing no clothes (thank God) but does manage to frighten the masses with what's inside them, and with what leaves her mouth. Foghorn Leghorn has the power to annoy.
Susanna Reid
Oops / Yuk
The most irritating contestant (now that Dave Myers and Mark Benton are gone) and one whose face-pulling is dire. I have seen more attractive totem poles. SR is a calculating career woman who is simply trying to encourage all the viewers of her breakfast show to pick up a phone. It is of course a distinct advantage to have a couple of millions pairs of eyes on you each morning, because sadly these viewers are probably more disposed to giving her votes than the more objective viewers. This machine-like woman is simply determined to win, and despite being the worst of the finalists, will probably have a decent chance of avoiding 4th place - and madly, could even win. This is, of course, primarily a popularity contest, with some dancing thrown in for good measure.
Natalie Gumede
Gosh
Unfortunately for Natalie she is not popular. I have no idea why, as I'm sure that her friends think she is wonderful. She dances well, and precisely, so what's the problem? Somehow there's no warmth and viewers are not going to spend money on her. The fact that she has in the past spent a fair amount of time dancing means that she's deemed to have had some sort of advantage over those new to the activity. Without any loyal following, she'll struggle.
Abbey Clancy
Perfection
She's the person that most people say 'should' win, but may not. She has proved a surprise after never dancing before, and it does of course help that she is fit as hell. It would be a travesty if the clumping, galumphing Susanna beats her because that would confirm no fucking justice. AC has every chance, so it will be down to the useless public to decide. We all know that the public as an entity is never to be relied upon to do the right thing, and the fickleness of voting means that talent is not always properly rewarded.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Super
What a totally lovely person, inside and out, who has a strange but stylish elegance, despite her height - something which is often a drawback. She deserves proper recognition, and maybe by striking a good balance, can attract enough votes to avoid 4th place, and maybe vie for top spot.
The Show - Part One
Susanna
She gurned her way around the dance floor, stomping and kicking and annoying the UK population who'd tuned in. No real interest generated in her or her dancing. TMWSC = 7 Judges' Scores: 8-9-10-10 = 37
Abbey
A totally beautiful dance. Natural, unpretentious and genuine. Winning performance. TMWSC = 10 Judges' Scores: 10-10-10-10 = 40
Natalie
As ever, she danced with precision and did very well. However, as normal, she managed not to draw us in and it was hard to warm to her. Excellently executed but nevertheless short on something. TMWSC = 9 Judges' Scores: 9-10-10-10 = 39
Bruce Forsythe
The TWAT went into a routine about how he walks up and down the stairs and thus works as hard as the dancers. This was just as I predicted, and was pathetic. You get fucking half a million quid for going up and down stairs, dishing out the odd non-joke, and generally being useless. TMWSC = 0
Sophie
Excellently done. Super. TMWSC= 9.5 Judges' Scores: 9-10-10-10 = 39
Susanna 2
Less gurning was appreciated (by me, certainly) and she managed to redeem herself with this effort. The main positive was seemingly Kevin's neck. TMWSC = 8 Judges' Scores: 9-9-9-9 = 36
Abbey 2
That was inventive and brave, and excellent. If that wasn't "going for it" then I give up. TMWSC = 10 Judges' Scores: 9-10-9-10 = 38
Natalie
Lots of difficulty, risks and bravery, including props. This deserved an 11. TMWSC = 10 Judges' Scores: 10-10-10-10 = 40 [Can't believe that Len said "Where's that 11 paddle?" after I'd typed my comments.]
Sophie
Totally natural and stylish performance. Very brave as well. Well done! TMWSC = 9 Judges' Scores: 8-9-9-9 = 35 [stingy]
TMWSC x 4 Table
Abbey & Aljaz = 80 (Judges 78)
Natalie & Artem = 76 (Judges 79)
Sophie& Brendan = 74 (Judges 74)
Susanna & Kevin = 60 (Judges 73)
Results to follow later on tonight; no idea what the public will do.
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